Relishing ten days in the league
December 20, 2008
Last night sometime around 6pm, we locked picture. This means we are done with editing the film part. Next is digital and sound editing, but what’s going on screen is set. The movie is what the movie is.
I came home and read through this blog again after we finished. The whole thing, start to finish. It was a strange experience. God I wish I could go back and talk to the guy who wrote this and tell him everything I learned since then. Even though that was me eight months ago, I am such a different person now than I was then. This process taught me so much, not only about making movies, but about myself.
I haven’t talked a lot about that in this blog; I’ve tried to keep it as much about the movie and the process as possible, and not about me. I will probably write about it more when I can get more distance from the events and perspective, but I will say this: No experience has ever been harder, more humbling, and forced more honest and authentic self-evaluation than making this movie. It was the ultimate test of who I am as a person.
It brought out every strength I have, as well as every weakness. I did things with this movie that no one else in the world could pull off. I literally laid the foundation for a new vision and organization of the entertainment business. Shit, the fact that this thing even got made is a testament to the force of my will. But on on the other hand, negative behavior patterns I thought I had beat, I found I hadn’t. Demons I thought I had slain, I found were still there. There were moments in this process I have been so proud of myself I didn’t know what to do with the emotion. There have been other times when I flat out failed everyone around me, and that sucked.
There is no question, I put too much of myself into this. I don’t mean the finished product, like the movie you’ll see on screen, but more on a personal level into this project. It meant so much to me, it ended up emotionally paralyzing me. For the last two years, nothing has mattered more to me than this movie, in fact, nothing else mattered AT ALL except the movie. I let my obsession with the success of this movie overshadow and impair my relationships with almost everyone in my life. That was a mistake. Of course it’s important to me that this is done well, but if that’s the only thing I care about, it creates an imbalance. What good is it to win the race if the kingdom is lost to do it? The goods news is that the first step in fixing a problem is identifying it, and I know what I did wrong.
That being said, I am really proud of this movie. Because of me in many cases, and in spite of me in others, we made something special. Today I am going to appreciate what has been done. I may never get another shot at this, or this movie may make me one of the biggest stars in the world. Who knows what’s going to happen in the future, so instead of worrying about what this movie will make or how it will be seen, today I am going to take my own advice, and instead of thinking about the future, I’ll relish the ten days in the league I already have.
