Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Tucker Max Cliffs Notes


Somewhere in Chicago, Illinois, lives an amazingly talented writer, storyteller and internet persona who goes by the name Tucker Max. Tucker has made a name for himself with his series of HILARIOUS online stories, recounting the wacky adventures he's had while getting drunk, bro-ing down with his boys, making fun of people, and trying to nail chicks. His eloquently written tales have garnered him millions of readers, a major book deal, and a bunch of meetings with film and TV executives that never really seem to pan out.

Tucker also travels around the country, sharing his wit and wisdom at colleges and fraternities, then meeting up with fans who can find a detailed scheduled of his travels on his site, or going on dates with young women who've applied and been accepted to "hook up" with him.

Tucker's is something of a male contemporary to amazing, uber-talented female writers like Stephanie Klein and Jessica Cutler. I would be remiss to let a talent like Max's slip through the cracks, and not share his gifts with all of you, my dear readers. However, as Tucker can be a bit wordy, for your convenience, I've provided the following "Cliffs Notes" summaries of some of his most famous stories, to give you just a little idea of what sort of literary master we've all been blessed with:

"The Famous Sushi Pants Story"

Premise: In this most famous of all Tucker's many famous stories, our young protagonist's night out with a portable alcohol breathalyzer goes horribly awry.

What happens: Tucker gets really wasted, which he proves by repeatedly blowing into a portable breathalyzer. Tucker hits on chicks, then acts like an asshole to them. Tucker goes to a sushi restaurant, insults some people, takes his pants off, does a bunch of dumb shit, then pukes. THE END

HAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious!!!

Summary of Themes: This story, which is Max's most famous (seriously, it's really famous - like Mel Gibson famous), is much more than a mere tale of a man and his breathalizer. As Max recounts EACH drink he consumed, the reader is left wondering, "Dear God, how many more drinks can he possibly consume?" The suspense is gripping, and each new drink exhilirating. This story establishes Tucker as a unique being far beyond human comprehension - what other man could get drunk, puke in front of a South Florida sushi bar, and live to tell about it?

The UT Weekend

Premise: Tucker ventures to the University of Tennesse one weekend to go to a football game and party.

What Happens: Tucker goes to UT. Tucker gets really wasted. Tucker hits on chicks, then acts like asshole to them. Tucker goes to some bars, does a bunch of dumb shit, insults some people, gets more drunk, sleeps with some moron and eats a pizza. THE END

Holy Fucking Shit, THAT is what you call HILARITY!!!

Summary of Themes: One of Max's more "high concept" stories, The UT Weekend features the exotic locale of a college football game and showcases Tucker's blazing wit, allowing him to utilize his measureable talents in insulting people with such gems as, "Holy crap, looks like God screwed up. Don't worry you'll find an ugly girl that'll love you", which he claims to have yelled at a somewhat homely gentleman he encountered. Max throws some real curves in this story - especially the surprise twist ending where he doesn't get drunk one night! Isn't that insane!?! It was like the end of the Sixth Sense, only way better.

The Austin Road Trip

Premise: Tucker and friends take a road trip to visit a strip club.

What happens: Tucker goest to Texas. Tucker gets really wasted. Tucker hits on chicks, then acts like an asshole to them. Tucker goes to a strip club, insults some people, does a bunch of dumb shit, fucks a hooker, then continues drinking and acting like an asshole until he gets home, at which point he briefly stops drinking. THE END

LOL! OMG! ROFL! JDAOFDJAkDNFEOEQNFENF!!!

Summary of Themes: Thank God we have a writer like Tucker Max to venture to such mysterious and unknown places, like Baby Dolls strip club, and dutifully report back to us the wonders he found there. This story is a real doozy, featuring an interesting examination of male bonding dynamics, the immediate effects of dangerous binge drinking, the courage to pay for sex, and of course, lots and lots of disrespecting women. A true Max classic, and a literary-comedic achievement that far surpasses anything Oscar Wilde could ever have conjured.

Be sure to read all of Max's hysterical stories about getting drunk and being an ass in his forthcoming book "Do They Serve Beer In Hell?" Get it? Cause he likes to drink, and he's going to hell for being such an ass to chicks and stuff. HAHAHA! The joke just never gets old.

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