How can I get my parents to spank me?
Since this website was created, a number of young
readers have asked this question: "I sometimes feel like I should get a
spanking for something I've done. How can I get my parents to spank me?"
Some teenagers wrote they don't really get punished for anything at home.
And they were unsatisfied with it. They often had the feeling they
needed to be justly punished for a wrong they had committed. The unpunished
offense left them with feelings of guilt. They never felt truly forgiven.
To them, the cycle: offense - punishment - repentance/forgiveness -
Other teenagers wrote that their parents use non-corporal punishments
(such as grounding), but they would prefer getting a spanking instead.
They said they hated groundings because this form of punishment lasts for
days or weeks, and there is no forgiveness during all that time.
A spanking, in contrast, would mean an immediate, short, intense
punishment - and after that the slate were clean again.
Some teenagers and young adults wrote they have certain behavior-related
problems (e.g. bad grades or smoking) they would like to get rid of, but can't
bring up the willpower to make that change. They believe a
stricter regime at home, including spankings when rules
were broken, could help them.
Here is a table that compares some of the pro's and con's of grounding
takes long time
time to think
little time to think
no physical risks
risk of abuse/injury
risk of frustration
instead of remorse
might be more
How can teenagers convince their parents to spank them?
In practice, this will most often prove an impossible task.
Some parents just believe in spanking, others don't. Many people
today consider spanking an outdated punishment method which is
primitive, cruel, and ineffective at that. There will be hardly
any way to convince them of the opposite. Other parents believe in
spanking, but consider teenagers too old for this kind of
If there is any chance at all for a teenager to change his/her parent's
minds in this respect, it must be through discussing the issue with
Give your best to explain calmy and rationally why you believe
spankings would be good for you. Reasonable arguments could be, e.g.:
In addition, consider showing your parents this website. In particular, the
"Reader's feedback" pages
could prove helpful.
- It would help you to cope with guilty feelings.
- It would help you to feel the gravity of your offense.
- It would help you to "pay" for your offense.
- It would help you to make a firm resolution not to repeat the offense.
- It would help you to improve your future behavior.
- It would help you to feel forgiven and re-accepted.
July 2003: A few words of warning. There are some dangers
connected with asking your parents to spank you:
So be warned. It is probably best to approach the discussion very
carefully. Try to find out your parent's opinions regarding other
parents spanking their children/teenagers before sharing your own thoughts
on this question. Only if you come to some agreement at this
point, it may be the right time to suggest that you think you might
prefer spankings to other punishments, and ask if they'd agree
on a trial period or something like that. Consider making a written
agreement if you think such a thing might be helpful to determine the new
rules and responsibilities you and your parents will agree on.
- Your parents may take you to a psychologist, thinking there
must be something mentally wrong with you (see Reader's Feedback,
July 18, 2003 for an example)
- Your parents may think you have masochistic leanings
- Your parents may spank you harder and/or more often
than you'd like them to (see Reader's Feedback,
May 4, 2003 for an example)
Dec 2004: This is a reader's advice on this topic (see also Reader's Feedback, December 14, 2004):
"Before asking for a spanking, remember that, if it is going to be effective, a
spanking is going to hurt and is meant to hurt.
OK! You want to be spanked: what do you do next? It is clear that many find
the next step very difficult to take. But remember that, if you do not
communicate your desire to your parent, nothing is likely to happen.
By far the best way is to mention spanking in conversation. It might be that
you could say that a friend has been spanked. There might be an item in a
newspaper or magazine. At this stage, you are not talking about being
spanked yourself: you are talking about others. But, once the conversation
is started, it is much easier to ask, "Why don’t you spank me?"
Another way is to say, particularly after another sanction has been imposed,
"I wish that you would let me choose my punishment". If you know that a
friend of your parents spanks teenagers, you could ask him or her to raise
the topic with your folks. A relative, who believes in spanking, would be an
If none of these work, you could write a letter or ask your parents to look
at an appropriate web page.
However, you must remember that once you have asked, the matter is probably
out of your hands. Unless discussions on "How? Who? What? Where? When?"
arise, you may not have many choices. You may not be able insist that, say,
"Mum spanks me, but Dad doesn’t". Whether or not your bottom is bare, what
you are spanked with, how many whacks, etc - these may be decided for you.
If you have strong views on these matters, try to make sure that they are
discussed as soon as your parents have agreed to spank you when necessary.
To wait until you are in trouble is almost certainly too late!
Be very careful if you are thinking of asking someone else to spank. There
are some people who really enjoy spanking teenagers. They are a real danger:
avoid them! If you feel that you have no alternative but to go down the road
of being spanked by someone other than a parent, then choose someone you
know very well and trust absolutely. For instance, if you were sleeping at a
friend’s house, their Mum or Dad might be regarded as being "in loco
parentis" and, to some extent, authority may have been delegated. But
‘someone else’ is, and always will be, second best to your own parents."
Dec 2001: Another reader's advice:
"So much depends on your total relationship with your parents.
Basically, I would suggest sitting down with your parents
and telling them that you realize that you have certain
behavior patterns that are interfering with your life, and
making your relationship with your parents less fulfilling
than it should be. Tell them honestly that the methods of
punishment they are currently using with you do not seem to
be working, and that you feel that spankings, administered
by the parent of the same gender, would be more helpful.
Dec 2001: Some further suggestions for teenagers wanting to
persuade their parents to spank them, from another reader:
Ask them to try this as an experiment: For a set period of
time, perhaps six months to a year, you would be punished
by being spanked. If, after the time is up, there has not
been a significant improvement in your behavior and attitudes,
your parents will revert to the disciplinary methods they
had been using in the past. Or they might agree to
this: They would continue to ground you for certain offenses,
and spank you for other. You would discuss in advance which
offenses are groundable, and which are spankable. This would
show which method really works better, by showing which
offenses are more greatly decreased.
If you are currently under punishment, try going to your
parents and asking them whether the remaining time of your
sentence could be erased with a spanking.
If your parents are totally opposed to spanking, respect
their decision. If, however, they agree to try this form
of punishment, I would suggest drawing up a contract, which
shall be kept hidden from prying eyes. We, the
undersigned, do hereby agree that as of this date, spankings
shall be administered for the following offenses. (list
them) These spankings shall take the place of all other
punishments. You might also agree to some other things,
such as: So many spanks instead of so many days' grounding.
Not more than one spanking in a certain period of time.
If you have committed more than one offense in that time
period, one spanking will cover all of them. Parent
administering the spanking will say, "This part of the
spanking is for..." Parents will also agree that while
under sentence of a spanking, the teenager shall be treated
as affectionately as usual. Finally, tell your parents
not to be afraid to make you cry."
"1.Refer them to any family friends or relatives who
spank their teenage children to show that it is
happening in other families.
2.Alternatively ask one of those in 1. above whether
they would be prepared to spank you when necessary and
then tell your parents.Either they will spank you
thmselves because they wouldn't want you to be spanked
by someone else or they will give permission for you
to be spanked by the other person.Either way you will
get the spankings you need.
3.Suggest that it is a little unreasonable to reject
the idea without giving it a trial and propose that
your parents spank you for an agreed period or give
you an agreed number of spankings and then review the
results;this also has the benefit of revealing to
parents that spanking a teenager may not be as
unpleasant or traumatic as they might have thought.
4.See if you can find someone who agrees with your
view and whom your parents respect, eg pastor, school
principal or professional person and ask your parents
to speak to them.
5.Point out to your parents that administering
spankings can sometimes be helpful in relieving
parents of the stress and frustration of bringing up
6.Say that you think that spankings would help
strengthen your relationship with them and make you
feel closer to them.
Jan 2002: Another reader sent in this additional advice for
teenagers whose parents have agreed to try using spanking
as a punishment:
The next time you break a rule, remind your parents of
the agreement you have made with them, but do NOT
deliberately break a rule in order to see whether or not
your parents will actually follow through with a spanking.
It isn't fair to test them that way.
Don't expect a spanking to be an easy substitute for some
other form of punishment. Being spanked should be at least
as unpleasant as being grounded, so that you will want to
avoid the behavior which led to the spanking.
You might have to wait for your spanking, because both you
and your parents will want privacy, and time to administer
the spanking properly. Waiting will not do you any harm.
(I do think, however, that a younger child should be spanked
as soon after the offense as possible.)
I am opposed to the demerit system: so many demerits = so many
spanks. When this system is used, the person being spanked
often forgets what each demerit is for. However, if your
parents have agreed to spank you for only one fault, the
demerit system might work for you.
I still don't recommend it.
For reasons of modesty, the parent of the opposite sex
should not be present when a spanking is administered. If,
however, the only parent you have is one of the opposite
sex, you might agree to the one of the following: Spankings
shall be given fully-clothed, instead of on the bare bottom
or underwear. Teenager will bend over bed, rather than
lying across lap. (It is one thing for a spanking to be a
humbling experience, but it should not be humiliating.)
The number and/or severity of the spanks will be increased.
If you feel that you do not deserve a spanking, speak up.
Your parents will not want to punish you unfairly.
When you are about to get a spanking that you know you
deserve, it is up to you to make it as easy as possible on
yor parents, since you are the one who suggested that they
punish you in this way. Prepare and position yourself
without making any fuss about it. There is nothing wrong,
however, with saying "OUCH!" and/or crying when you are
spanked. In fact, maybe you should ask to be spanked hard
enough to make you cry. After all, the whole point is that
you are being punished severely enough to take the place
of a longer punishment.
After the spanking, say something like,"Mom (Dad),
I know how hard it was for you to do that. I will try to
behave better from now on, so you won't have to punish me
too often." Then, hug. Hugging after a spanking is very
important. Actually, hugging is ALWAYS important. I
once heard someone ask, "When is a boy too old to hug his
father?" I would answer that question: "I don't know.
When is a man too old to hug his father?"
So, you've done something wrong, you have been spanked,
and now it really hurts you to sit down. You are wondering
if this spanking agreement was a mistake. Not to get
preachy, but the mistake was in the wrongdoing, not in
Finally, should you let your friends know that you are
now getting spanked instead of losing privileges? That
depends on whether or not your parents want you to talk
about it (they might consider it to be a private family
matter) and how much you really trust your friends. Who
knows? They might decide to ask their parents to spank
them instead of grounding them.
If the parent who spanks you does a thorough, proper
job, you should find yourself thinking along these lines:
"Being spanked is just as bad as being grounded. In some
ways, it is worse. I'd better not break the rules, and
then I won't need to be spanked."
Finally, remember that one of the main reasons for
switching over to spankings instead of other punishments
is to bring you and your parents closer together. Therefore,
you should now try to spend more time with them. There is
a big difference between staying home because you are
grounded, and staying home in order to have some more
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Last update: Jan-11-2005