John was having coffee in Elizabeth's office when Zelenka's panicked voice came over the comm.
"Aw, aren't you just adorable!" Cadman squeaked. Rodney was far more interested in chewing Cadman's hair than sitting under the scanner, but finally John managed it thanks to half a bag of slightly stale Doritos. Rodney sat under the scanner happily crunching while Carson made hmmm noises. "Well, I can't see that there's anything wrong with him," Carson said, poking at the equipment. "Apart from the fact he's a dinosaur?" John replied, sprinkling more Doritos in front of Rodney. "Well, yes. Apart from that. I'm afraid the Ancients don't have much information on dinosaur physiology. I'd say his metabolism is running a little hot, but apart from that, he's fine. You'll need to feed him every couple of hours." Carson pointed at the Doritos. "Real food, mind you. A diet of junk food can't be good for him." "Cadman did the goofy 'I love Carson' smile and said, "We were going to take him to the mess for some meatballs." "Good idea, "Carson said, going moony-eyed. John scooped Rodney up while they were distracted and made a hasty retreat before things got mushy. "So... meatballs. Sound good, Rodney?" "Rarr!" Rodney said, snuggling down into the crook of John's elbow. Fortunately the mess wasn't crowded; Ronon and Teyla were sharing a bowl of spiky purple things, and several off-duty Marines were playing Gin Rummy in the corner. As soon as he smelled the meatballs, Rodney started wriggling. "Uh, Teyla, Ronon! A little help here?" John tried to keep a grip on Rodney's wriggly little torso, but it wasn't easy. "Quick, grab some meatballs!" Ronon went for the meatballs, and Teyla ran over to help John. Of course, Rodney immediately calmed down under Teyla's touch. "This is Rodney?" Teyla asked, gently stroking Rodney's tummy. Rodney made a happy purring noise and splayed himself out in a vaguely obscene way and begged shamelessly for more petting. John nodded. "Yep. He doesn't talk as much now, but he's no less irritating." "Uh..." Ronon arrived with a huge plate of meatballs, mashed potatoes, and something that might have been broccoli before it had traveled across two galaxies. "Food?" Rodney jumped out of John's arms and onto Ronon, who looked rather more freaked out than John had ever seen him. "Rarr!" Rodney said, and grabbed a meatball in his front claws. Ronon put the plate down on a table, gently detangled Rodney from his hair, and backed slowly out of the mess. "Wuss!" John called after him, then settled down to watch Rodney eat. And eat. And eat. By the time Rodney started on his fifth meatball his stomach was visibly distended, and they'd amassed a small crowd of onlookers. "Is this normal?" Teyla asked, spreading her hand over Rodney's round tummy. "Well, Dr Beckett said his metabolism was quite high, maybe he's just hungry," John said, eyeing Rodney nervously. "Or maybe he's like a fish!" Lorne said. He'd stopped on his way to get some coffee and had stayed to watch. "I mean, dinosaurs had really tiny brains, right? So maybe they forget to stop eating, like fish do if you overfeed them." "Death by meatball," said someone in the back. Rodney popped the last bit of meatball into his mouth and looked back down at the plate. "I think you've had enough," John said, reaching for the plate. "Rarr... UUUuuurp!" Rodney said. Then he sighed, blinked twice, waved some probably-broccoli at John, and slowly slumped down on the table and began to snore. John managed to get his ruined paperwork redone and locked in a drawer while Rodney slept, but as soon as he tried to get a head start on the shift rotations for the next week, Rodney woke up. It quickly became obvious that Rodney was bored. They managed to get back to John's quarters eventually. It seemed like everyone on the base wanted to pet Rodney or poke his little tummy. John fought himself free of the gaggle of nurses who'd ambushed him as he walked past the infirmary, jumped into the transporter to the living quarters, and stared down at Rodney, who stared back, a little wild-eyed. "If only you had that sort of appeal when you're human, I could use you as babe-bait." Rodney's eyes went narrow. "Rarr!" John laughed. "Yeah yeah, you're a stud, Rodney. OW!" John pulled his thumb out of Rodney's mouth. "Rarr!" Rodney said, looking smug, and then yawned. John dropped Rodney on his bed, filled the bathtub with water, made up some more milk, and left a tub of leftover meatballs open on the floor. Then he grabbed a pillow and some old sweats and made a nest for Rodney to sleep in. John woke up a few times during the night. The first time Rodney was splashing in the bath, the second time he was attacking something under the bed, the third time he was making odd little grunting noises in the shower, and the last time was when Rodney flopped down on John's chest for another nap. John didn't much like the meatball-breath, but he wasn't sure how successful trying to get Rodney into his own bed would be. John was late to breakfast, thanks to a combination of oversleeping and cleaning up the mess Rodney had made during the night. He plopped Rodney down on a table to do battle with a plate of overdone bacon, and got the biggest strongest mug of coffee he could find. Rodney eyed the coffee, and John growled. "Mine!" There was no way John was letting go of it. "You must bring him to the lab this morning," Zelenka said, appearing at John's elbow. "I have to run calibrations and simulations." "How long do you think it'll take?" "Couple of hours, maybe. Not long. It is not difficult, just time-consuming." Zelenka stole a piece of bacon off Rodney's plate and deftly avoided Rodney's snapping teeth. "Ah, little Rodney. The next time you make height jokes I can remind you that you were once small enough for me to push you around and steal your food." Grinning at Rodney's outraged growling, Zelenka walked off eating his stolen bacon. "You're going to make him pay for that once you're yourself again, aren't you?" "Rarr!" Rodney didn't like the lab. Actually, John was pretty sure Rodney hated the lab. He hissed and rarred and made noises John was sure were really filthy dinosaur swear words. He bit Simpson, who was still red-eyed and sniffly. He knocked over something that made an expensive sort of crunch when it hit the floor. And he absolutely, positively did not want to go under the scanner Zelenka had set up. John tried beef jerky, Pringles, chocolate and a cupcake with violent yellow icing, but Rodney just grabbed what he could and took off to eat it under a workbench or on top of a cupboard. "He is worse than a cat," Zelenka said. I think we will have to tranquillise him." John argued against it, but after an hour chasing Rodney through the lab he had to admit defeat. John enlisted the help of Teyla, Lorne and half a dozen Marines, but he always managed to escape as soon as they tried to get him into the scanner. "Colonel, I do not think we are going to be able to do this while Rodney is conscious." Teyla didn't seem to like the idea of tranquillising Rodney either, but it looked like they had no other options. Rodney was perched above the door, eating a banana muffin he'd swiped from a passing Marine, and idly walloping anyone walking through the door with his tail. "Rodney, this is your last chance. You can come down, or you can get shot in the ass with a stunner. It's up to you." "Rarr!" Rodney said, sprinkling muffin crumbs down onto John's hair. "Fine!" John stomped off to get a Wraith stunner from the armoury. "But don't say I didn't warn you!" It was a lot harder to shoot Rodney than John expected. As soon as Rodney saw the stunner he scampered up Teyla's leg and tried to hide inside her shirt. John spared a moment to be impressed that Rodney had his head between Teyla's breasts before she reached in and pulled him out by the scruff of his neck. "Rodney, you will behave, or I will start looking up recipes for rock-lizard stew," Teyla said. Rodney grumpily allowed himself to be deposited on the scanner, but as soon as Zelenka turned it on, he shot back out and bounced across two workstations and the espresso machine to land neatly on top of the glassware cupboard. John sighed and raised the stunner. Rodney rarred very quietly and covered his eyes with his claws. A flash of light later and Rodney was slumped over the edge of the cupboard. John felt incredibly guilty as he cradled Rodney's tiny limp body in his arms. "Sorry, Rodney. We had to do it. It's for your own good." John gently placed him on the scanner and nodded to Zelenka, who started scanning. "Maybe he knew what was going on and didn't want to change back?" Lorne said. "Why on Earth would he want to be a dinosaur?" John asked. "All the attention, beautiful women petting him, all the cupcakes and meatballs he can eat..." Lorne raised his eyebrows. "No coffee, no talking, no possibility of a Nobel Prize, no sex ever again..." John replied. "Good point," Lorne said, and they settled down to wait for Zelenka to finish running his simulations. John tried not to look at Rodney unconscious in the scanner. Zelenka ran around poking various pieces of Ancient technology, and occasionally asking John to activate something or other. Finally Zelenka was finished with Rodney and dumped him back in John's arms. John held him close, and rubbed the fuzzy patch on top of his head. "I hope he's not too pissed at me for shooting him." Zelenka looked up. "He will not remember. I am using the physical pattern collected by the transformation device at the time of his transformation as the base for his retransformation. He will return to us in exactly the same state as he left." Zelenka grinned at John. "Did you think I was crazy for stealing his food? It does not matter, he will not remember." Rodney moved a little and drooled on John's shirt. "Hey there, buddy. You waking up?" John rubbed Rodney's tummy and smiled as Rodney opened one eye and made a disgruntled snort. "Ready to be human again?" "Rarr!" Rodney said quietly. "Yes, yes. It is all ready now," Zelenka said, "Please put him down and stand back." John gave Rodneysaur one last squeeze and put him down on the floor. "I feel like I should say 'goodbye' but you're not really going anywhere, are you?" Rodney rarred nervously and started sucking on the end of his tail. *ZAPPP* "And why you... what the hell ?" Rodney yelled, sprawled face-down on the floor without a stitch of clothing on. And now John had a perfect view of Rodney's naked ass. He'd never noticed how... pink Rodney was before. He jumped up and grabbed a spare lab coat and handed it to Rodney as Zelenka helped him up. "Welcome back, Rodney." "Okay, what's going on? Where's Simpson? And why am I naked?" Everyone started talking at once. "You were a dinosaur..." "There was an accident with the transformation device..." "Wow, he really doesn't remember the meatballs..." "Never mind the meatballs, what about Teyla's breasts..." "EVERYONE BE QUIET NOW!" Zelenka roared. "Please, everyone leave now. I will take Rodney to sick bay and tell him what happened." He made shooing gestures at everyone. "Go!" John patted Rodney on the head. "It's good to see you, McKay, but you totally owe me one for cleaning up what you did in my shower last night." The End! |
Message from Moonloon: Wow, Rodneysaur has been nominated for a Stargate Fan Award! I'm quite loopy about the whole thing. Who knew a little throw-away comment-fic would be this popular? Certainly not me. Also... BEANIESAUR! (drawn by the lovely and talented cynicatlantis). Another Message from Moonloon: Even more wow... Rodneysaur won in the Best Humour section of the Stargate Fan Awards! I guess I should have a speech prepared, but I really don't. So just... thank you to everyone who voted. Thank you to everyone who nominated Rodneysaur. Thank you to Spaggel for putting the idea in my head and inspiring me with her drawing in the first place. Thank you to the hundreds of people who have sent me feedback over the last year. I have tried to keep up with replies, and even if I haven't got around to replying to you, please know that I read your feedback and I have it saved away to my hard drive like the attention-hungry egotist I am :)
|