WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Officials at the Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden has faxed what appears to be a connect-the-dots picture directly to department headquarters.

High-ranking members of the department, including Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano, immediately held emergency meetings to plan...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Amid growing frustration with the state of airport security in the U.S., the Federal government today transferred all responsibility for screening passengers from the TSA to TMZ, the popular celebrity gossip website.

Effective immediately, TSA personnel will be replaced at the nation's airports by camera-wielding...

HONOLULU (Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama was briefly detained and searched before boarding Air Force One yesterday in an incident that some critics are saying smacks of profiling.

With tensions over air travel in the U.S. spiking to new heights, the five-minute pat-down of the President of the United...

CRAWFORD, TX (The Borowitz Report) - The decade just past was "an awesome one in just about every way" and will be hard to top, according to former President George W. Bush.

In a new interview with the former president, Mr. Bush reflected on the highlights of what he believes...

Between now and New Year's, gas-bags of every stripe will be offering their bloated reviews of the decade about to end. Since I believe that all human thought can be compressed into 140 characters or less, I offer instead this tweet:

The decade began with Y2K and ended with WTF.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I.D. card.

"All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a stunning admission on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano compared the nation's terrorist watch list to the once-popular social networking site, MySpace.

"The terrorist watch list is, quite frankly, a bit like MySpace," she said. "It's there, but...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to the botched terrorism attempt on board Delta flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was considering a new rule that would force passengers to fly naked.

"They won't be able to hide any powders or...

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) - A would-be terrorist who is accused of attempting to ignite an explosive onboard a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on Christmas has confessed to authorities that he is a follower of Osama bin Laden, but only on Twitter.

According to interrogators, the Twitter link between...

NORTH POLE (The Borowitz Report) - The Central Intelligence Agency confirmed reports today that an unmanned predator drone accidentally hit Santa Claus' sleigh on Christmas Eve, killing Santa Claus and injuring an undetermined number of reindeer.

The CIA drone, which was intended to kill an al-Qaeda operative located in the...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sounding a sour note in the aftermath of the Senate's passage of the health care reform bill, Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman said today that the prescription plan in the bill was unnecessary, noting, "I've been off my meds for years."

Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev)...

FORT COLLINS (The Borowitz Report) - A Colorado judge today sentenced Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of the so-called "Balloon Boy," to jail, calling the couple a flight risk.

The Heenes' lawyers had hoped for leniency by entering a new version of the insanity plea, "guilty by reason of reality...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The Senate's efforts to introduce a tax on tanning beds hit a roadblock today as Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the idea, calling it "a blatant attack on Orange Americans."

Rep. Boehner said that the anti-tanning provision would likely create opposition from the so-called "Orange...

HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) - Building on the momentum of his latest blockbuster, Avatar, director James Cameron announced his next project, a special-effects-laden extravaganza called Emoticon.

While details of the film's storyline remain sketchy, Mr. Cameron said that the film will take place "in a magical fantasy world populated by...

Between now and New Year's, gas-bags of every stripe will be offering their bloated reviews of the decade about to end. Since I believe that all human thought can be compressed into 140 characters or less, I offer instead this tweet:

The decade began with Bush fucking the voters and...

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) - A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army briefly hacked the social messaging service Twitter last night, frustrating the efforts of narcissists to share their most mundane and banal thoughts.

Around the world, the Iranian hack attack made it impossible for Twitter users to post...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:

• Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
• Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
• You will have...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a White House ceremony that many historians are calling unprecedented, President Barack Obama today transferred his balls to the custody of Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Called the "Balls Summit" by White House aides, the ceremony was intended as an official acknowledgment of Mr. Lieberman's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut today shrugged off suggestions that he is becoming one of the most despised men in the U.S. Senate, telling reporters, "I will continue to fight for the people I represent: America's assholes."

While Sen. Lieberman's decision to align himself with...