The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

Farewell, Slate Readers! Come Visit Me at The Happiness Project Blog.

Well, today is the last day of 2009, so it’s my last day here on Slate. My year’s stint is up, and my book, The Happiness Project, has just been published, so it’s time to say farewell. It has been so much fun being part of Slate—this terrific site that I’ve read and loved since it started.

Throughout the year while I’ve posted on Slate, I’ve also cross-posted on my own longtime stand-alone site, also called The Happiness Project. My writing will no longer appear here, but if you want to keep reading about happiness, come to www.happiness-project.com. Same material.

Have a very happy 2010!

* Want more information?
Order the book The Happiness Project.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Read sample chapters.
Join the discussion on the Facebook Page.
Follow me on Twitter, @gretchenrubin.
Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox
To request a copy of my personal Resolutions Chart, email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [.com].
To get the free monthly newsletter, sign up here.
To get a starter kit to launch your own happiness-project group, sign up here.

Why Is It Hard to Know What You Find Fun? Why Does It Matter?

Why, I often wonder, is it so hard to Be Gretchen and to know what I find fun? I’d think that nothing would be more obvious to me than my own nature, but it’s a constant challenge to be myself.

Other people have told me that they also find it difficult to identify what they like to do, for work and fun. And I’ve identified one reason for that.

Scientists, such as Daniel Gilbert in Stumbling on Happiness, point out that we’re all more alike than we think. And that’s true. But I think it’s also true that we’re all more unalike than we think. (It's one of my Secrets of Adulthood: the opposite of a great truth is also true.)

This is true when it comes to fun (whether fun at leisure or at work). Many people assume that they find something fun because that activity is inherently fun. But nothing is inherently fun.

Examples:
A friend of mine was explaining what she did for work when she first moved to New York City. She sad, “I could only work part-time, so of course I tried to get a job at a florist shop.” Why “of course"? It would never occur to me to try to work in a florist shop. I always wanted temping jobs.

My college roommate majored in English, then got a Ph.D. in anthropology. I asked her, “Why didn’t you take any anthropology courses as an undergrad?” She said, “I thought that was the stuff that everyone found interesting. It didn’t occur to me to study it.”

A former colleague told me, “If I didn’t have the job I have, I’d love to be a travel agent. But of course, that’s just so fun.” I told her, “If I were condemned to perpetual punishment, it would be as a travel agent.”

My husband’s former boss, a real wine connoisseur, spent a long time trying to convince me that wine was a fascinating, enjoyable thing to study. I spent a long time trying to convince him that I didn’t really enjoy wine. He simply couldn't believe that a person might not like wine.

It can be easy to overlook our likes and dislikes, or take them for granted, because we assume, “Well, sure, everyone likes video games,” “Everyone likes computer programming,” “Everyone likes reading and writing,” “Everyone likes getting the chance to speak in front of a large group,” “Everyone loves music.” But that’s not true! The phenomenon of homophily describes our tendency to spend time with people who are similar to us, which reinforces the notion that our likes and dislikes are widely held.

That’s why, if you’re trying to figure out what to do as a job or as a hobby, it helps to ask yourself, “What do I actually do, when I have some free time?” Really examine it. Be honest. Not what you think you should be doing, but what you actually do with yourself, and enjoy, and captures you interest. What's true for you is not true for everyone—and that's significant.

The opposite of a great truth is also true, so this can work in reverse, as well. For a long time, I assumed that no one loved children’s/young adult literature as much as I did. Once I acknowledged what I found fun, and started asking around, I quickly identified many people who shared my passion. So don’t assume that everyone shares your interest, or that no one shares your interest.

How about you? Have you had an insight about what you find fun—or not?

* Happier.com has lots of interesting material. I especially enjoy the discussion of happiness-related research.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 31,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail.com (don't forget the "1"). Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

More Tips about Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions Than You Could Want

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: More tips about making and keeping resolutions than you could want.

In 2009, the top three resolutions made by Americans were:
- Losing weight (20 percent)
- Quitting smoking (16 percent)
- Spending less (12 percent)

Did you make any of these resolutions on Jan. 1, 2009? Did you keep them? Many people make and break the same resolution year after year. (To take just one example, I've made and broken the resolution to "Entertain more" for years. See below.) In fact, about 80 percent of resolution-makers abandon their resolutions by mid-February.

But one thing I’ve learned from my happiness project: keeping resolutions is a key to happiness. If you want to make a positive change in your life, you need to figure out what to resolve, and how to keep that resolution.

Because resolution-keeping has been so important to my own happiness project, I’ve written about it several times. So, to give you a boost as you launch your 2010 New Year’s resolutions, here are some of my favorite discussions about resolutions:

Five tips for planning effective New Year’s resolutions.

Twelve tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions.

The resolutions NOT to make for your New Year’s resolutions.
(You’ll see that the person interviewed is clearly a “yes” resolver, as discussed in the second post above – in fact, it was her comment here that got me thinking about the distinction between “yes resolvers” and “no resolvers.”)

Should you have goals or resolutions?

A menu of resolutions for your consideration.

Six tips to hold yourself accountable for keeping your resolutions.
Accountability is the essential element for keeping resolutions.

How you, too, can copy Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin inspired the design of my Resolutions Chart, which turned out to be a key part of my happiness project. (If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com -- write “resolutions chart” in the subject line.)

Why I stopped drinking alcohol (more or less).

Do you have trouble sticking to your resolutions? Turns out that it really does matter.

Why NOW is the time to start keeping your resolutions.

The movie “Twilight” inspires me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.
I have to admit, this is one of my all-time favorite posts that I've written.

Don’t try to keep that resolution.
In which I give up my longstanding resolution to "Entertain more."

Don’t try to keep that resolution—Part II.
In which I realize that giving up the resolution to "Entertain more" actually allowed me to plan a party.

Feeling fired up for your 2010 resolutions? Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. Sign up here.

Also, check out the tools on the Happiness Project Toolbox. They’re designed to help you track your own happiness project.

Being happier can seem like an elusive, complicated goal, but by taking little steps, you can change your life for the happier. I am still amazed by what a difference my happiness project has made in my happiness.

* I just can't resist posting a link to this review of my book on Communicatrix. As a writer, it's tremendously gratifying to read the response from a reader who understands EXACTLY what you were trying to do!

* As I'm checking now, I'm no. 40 on the Amazon Top 100 Bestsellers list! Hooray!

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
— Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
— Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
— Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 31,000 people get it)
— Buy the book 
— Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year
— Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
— Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Today My Book Hits the Shelves

I can’t believe that I’m writing these words, at last: today is the publication day for my book. As of today, it’s out in the world, available for sale at bookstores near you. It seems like so long ago that I sat on that crowded bus, on a rainy afternoon, and wondered, “What do I really want from life? Well, I want to be happy.” Then I admonished myself, “In that case, I really should start a happiness project.” And I did.

In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar describes the arrival fallacy, the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you’ll be happy. (Other fallacies include the floating world fallacy, the belief that immediate pleasure, cut off from future purpose, can bring happiness, and the nihilism fallacy, the belief that it’s not possible to become happier.) The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because, though you may anticipate great happiness in arrival, arriving rarely makes you as happy as you anticipate.

First of all, by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. Also, arrival often brings more work and responsibility. Having a baby. Getting a promotion. Buying a house. You look forward to reaching these destinations, but having reached them, they bring emotions other than sheer happiness, as well. And of course, arriving at one goal usually reveals another, yet more challenging goal.

The challenge, therefore, is to take pleasure in the atmosphere of growth, in the gradual progress made toward a goal, in the present. The unpoetic name for this very powerful source of happiness is “pre-goal attainment positive affect.” One thing about working on my happiness project: it has given me a huge amount of pre-goal attainment positive affect.

But the arrival fallacy doesn’t mean that pursuing goals isn’t a route to happiness. To the contrary. The goal is necessary, just as is the process toward the goal. Nietzche explained it well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”

Whatever happens with this book, for good or for ill, I had a vision for what I wanted to do, and I did it. I’ve loved every minute of thinking and writing about happiness, and indeed, the subject feels inexhaustible, and I’ll keep writing about happiness for the foreseeable future. I feel incredibly fortunate that I was able to spend the time the way I did, and to write the book that I got to write, and now it’s done.

And that makes me very happy.

Some highlights so far:
Today show scheduled for January 8
Starred review in Publishers Weekly
Named one of the “10 Must-Read Books” for 2010 by Oprah’s Book Club
Marketplace radio interview air-date TBA
Woman’s Day year-long Happiness Project
Amazon Top 100—I hit no. 80!

* Through the wonders of the internet, I got to know Alexandra Levit, and our books are being published on the very same day!—which gives you a fellow-feeling akin to being from the same hometown. Her book, New Job, New You: A Guide to Reinventing Yourself in a Bright New Career, is a great resource for anyone who is thinking about making a career change—switching careers is a major undertaking in any happiness project, but an extremely important one, if needed.

Decide Now To Make 2010 a Happier Year

It’s the last week of 2009, and the new year begins on Friday—a great time to make some resolutions. About forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions; there’s something about that fresh year stretching out in the future that makes it an auspicious time to attempt a change.

If you want a boost in keeping your resolutions, or you want some ideas for useful resolutions to try, please consider joining the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. (Many people will be glad to see 2009 fade into the past!)

I created a sign-up sheet, so you can add your name to the pledge. It’s worth taking a minute to sign up; studies show that taking an action, like signing a pledge, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions.

Each month, I’ll propose an area of life to tackle for your happiness project. Each week, I’ll suggest one or two simple, manageable resolutions to consider (in fact, you may find some of them laughably manageable -- but they all worked to boost my happiness). Of course, every happiness project is different, and I’m just throwing out some ideas. Your happiness project will look very different from mine.

Categories:
• January—Energy
• February—Love
• March—Work
• April—Money
• May—Mindfulness
• June—Order
• July—Spirit
• August—Fun
• September—Family
• October—Friends
• November—Attitude
• December—Boot Camp Perfect

A few thousand people have joined the petition already—add your name! Make 2010 a happier year.

One thing I’ve learned from my happiness project—and it’s an uncomfortable truth—is that novelty and challenge bring happiness. In fact, the reason I started this blog was to force myself to do something novel and challenging, and it has indeed brought me huge happiness.

My latest new challenge is to do a video series. So, for the 2010 Happiness Challenge, each week I’ll be making a two-minute video, in which I talk about the proposed resolution. This feels quite novel and challenging—which is to say, I feel intimidated, frustrated and uncomfortable when I’m working on the videos.

But happiness theory predicts that with time, as I get the hang of making videos, they’ll contribute to my happiness. We’ll see! Whether or not they contribute to my happiness, I hope that the videos will help give you ideas and encouragement for your own happiness project. I'll unveil the first video on January 1.

As part of the 2010 Happiness Challenge, you can also check out the Happiness Project section on WomansDay.com. Lots of great stuff there.

Now, maybe you don’t believe that “happiness” actually exists, or you argue not that it’s possible to be “happy.” Even so—do you think it’s possible to be happier? That’s what the 2010 Challenge is meant to do. Make you a bit happier.

* I always enjoy cruising around Awake at the Wheel, Jonathan Fields's blog on "tips, strategies, and conversations at the crossroads of work, life, entrepreneurship and play."

* Tomorrow The Happiness Project officially goes on sale (!) and you can...
Pre-order! (if you do pre-order, here’s how to get your bonus materials)
Check out the book tour info!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!
Read about how reading the book differs from reading the blog!

"Like a Boy Playing on the Seashore"

“I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.”—Sir Isaac Newton

* I'm very excited for my friend Therese Borchard—her excellent book, Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes, is about to hit the shelves. I met Therese online through her highly regarded Beliefnet blog, Beyond Blue ("a spiritual journey to mental health"), and when she came to New York City, we actually got to meet in person. I read an advance copy of her book, and it's extraordinary. It's an honest discussion of what she's gone through—manic-depression, alcoholism, plus some other challenges -- but Therese manages to be funny even while she's discussing all this and how she dealt with it.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Ten Tips for an Emergency Energy Boost

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Ten tips for an emergency energy boost.

When your energy level is low, everything feels like a chore -- even things would ordinarily make you happy. Holiday time can be draining, with lots of shopping, cooking, traveling, decorating, meeting, greeting, etc. to deal with. Or even if you're not doing these things, other people are, so something like a simple trip to the grocery store becomes a lot more difficult.

There are many things we should on a regular basis to keep our energy levels high, like exercising and getting enough sleep. But what if you need more energy right now? And you don't want to wait for the reward for your good habits to kick in?

Try one of these strategies:

1. Go outside into the sunlight. Light deprivation is one reason people feel tired. Research suggests that light stimulates brain chemicals that improve mood. For an extra boost, get your sunlight first thing in the morning. And while you’re outside…

2. Go for a brisk walk. Even a ten-minute walk can give you a surge of energy and decreased tension.

3. Act with energy. We think we ACT because of the way we FEEL, but often we FEEL because of the way we ACT. Trick yourself into feeling energetic by moving more quickly, pacing while you talk on the phone, and putting more energy into your voice.

4. Listen to your favorite zippy song. Hearing stimulating music gives an instant lift.

5. Talk to an energetic friend. Not only do we gain energy from interacting with other people, we also – in what’s called “emotional contagion” -- “catch” their emotions. Instead of infecting others with your draggy mood, try to lift yourself by catching the energy of a boisterous friend.

6. Tackle an item on your to-do list. Maybe you need to drive to an out-of-the-way store; or add the last, difficult touches to a homemade gift; or make a phone call to a difficult relative. You'll be amazed by the huge rush of energy you get when it's crossed off your list. If you're having trouble, try doing it first thing in the morning. The night before, decide what you're going to do, then get up and do it.

7. Clean up. For most people, outer order contributes to inner calm. If you feel overwhelmed and listless, try tidying up. No heavy scrubbing, just tidy the surfaces. Making your surroundings more pleasant will help to give you energy -- plus, making visible improvements is a booster, too.

8. Jump! Yes, jump up and down a few times. I just started doing this, and it's amazing how energizing it is.

9. Note of caution: people often try to use food to boost their low energy. This obviously helps if you're actually hungry (and in my house, we constantly monitor people's hunger levels, because we all get so crabby when we're hungry), but if you're not hungry, eating ice cream out of the container -- tempting as it is -- won't really help.

10. Cut yourself, and other people, some slack. Didn't do holiday cards this year? Didn't cook the usual feast? Let it go. Holiday traditions are wonderful, but they can also be the source of anger, disappointment, and guilt -- aimed at ourselves and other people. A few years ago, at Halloween time, I somehow neglected to get us a pumpkin! This counts as Mommy malpractice in my book. But you know what? It was okay.

“Energy is eternal delight,” William Blake wrote, and it’s surprising how much sheer energy level can affect the quality of the happiness of a day.

What am I forgetting? Have you found any good strategies for a quick mood boost?

* In case you need to make a quick homemade holiday gift or card, or just want a moment of fun, check out Wordle. "Beautiful word clouds" -- so fun!

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 30,000 people get it)
-- Pre-order the book for your friends (or yourself) -- here's an e-card to let them know it's coming
-- Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

More Paradoxes of Happiness: I Desire To Not Want

One of my Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Niels Bohr) is "The opposite of a great truth is also true." As I’ve worked on my happiness project, I’ve recognized many paradoxes.

In Marc Lesser’s book Less: Accomplishing More by Doing Less, I read a fascinating list of such paradoxes by Chade-Meng Tan, a Google engineer whose title is “Jolly Good Fellow.”

I was quite struck by his list – and also by the number of times that my resolutions and paradoxes overlapped with his.

His list, with my comments:

I strive hard to be lazy. I resolve to Force myself to wander.
I’m selfishly compassionate. This reminds me of the Second Splendid Truth!
I desire to not want. Oh, I recognize that one.
Sometimes, I’m not myself.
Often, I’m not here, where I am. I have a big problem with this one, mindfulness.
I actively engage in nonactivity. I resolve to Schedule time to play.
I feel spiritual about my earthly desires. I loooove this one.
I sometimes fail at failing. I have to remind myself to Enjoy the fun of failure.
I make careless mistakes carefully.
Sometimes, my mind is full of nothing.
My own arrogance humbles me.
I’ve become a famous unknown.
I sometimes pity the more fortunate.

Have you found any paradoxes in your happiness project?

* I get a big kick out of the Art of Manliness blog, especially because I don't actually worry about my manliness. (When I read a site like the hilarious How Not to Act Old, I end up thinking about my wardrobe, my slang, my music, etc.)

"Energy Is Eternal Delight"

"Energy is eternal delight."—William Blake

* The folks at Drinking Diaries did an interview with me about the relationship between drinking and happiness. Very thought-provoking questions.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Jump!

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

My feet rarely leave the ground. For exercise, I use the stationery bike, the Stairmaster, yoga, and weight-training. I walk everywhere. I almost never run up the stairs or hop over puddles.

I think I need more jumping in my life.

A friend told me that she started doing five jumping-jacks each morning, to jar herself awake, and I’ve resolved to add that as a New Year’s resolution – just before I sit down at my computer each morning. That will be a good way to get a few jumps in before my day starts.

Jumping seems energetic, healthy, cheerful, fun. As I waited outside the door of my daughter’s nursery school class the other day, I saw one mother give a little skip as she walked down the hallway -- and I was struck by the exuberant charm of that little unconscious gesture.

Philippe Halsman, a photographer responsible for more than a hundred Life covers, was famous for his "jump pictures." He asked people like Richard Nixon, John Steinbeck, and the Duchess of Windsor to jump for their portraits. It is exhilarating to look at these photographs; they radiate energy.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment, to Act the way I want to feel. If I’m jumping and skipping, I’m going to feel more energetic and light-hearted.

Have you found any easy ways to make yourself a lift? I'm very curious to see if jumping is an effective strategy. Now that I think about it, jumping-jacks may be a little bit too...calisthenics-ish. Maybe I should just jump.

* There's a lot of helpful information, delivered in a light, fun way, on Get Rich Slowly, "personal finance that makes cents."

* Free bonus materials: Pre-orders give a big boost to a book, so to thank readers for pre-ordering, I've put together some bonus materials. After you pre-order, just email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com and write "I've pre-ordered," and I'll send them to you. Honor system. Materials include:
--The Happiness Project Manifesto: a quick summary of some of the most important observations about happiness
--Top Tips: tips that people have found particularly helpful
--Resolutions Chart: my own personal Resolutions Chart, for your consideration, with a template to use for your happiness project.
Not sure you want to read the book? Check out the sample chapters. Or read Bob Sutton's review or Adam Gilbert's review!

I'm Extremely Happy Because...

I'm extremely happy because my sister had her baby last night! A boy.

Here she is, a week ago, courtesy of Sarah Fain Has Starfish Envy, talking about the upcoming event.

My sister lives in Los Angeles, a long way from New York, but fortunately I'll be out there very soon for my book tour, and because of the schedule, I get to stay in L.A. for three days. I can't wait to see the baby -- and to see my sister and brother-in-law as parents.

I'm so thrilled, and relieved, and excited. Zoikes! It's going to be hard to think about anything else today.

* Through Bob Sutton, I just discovered the great blog of Marina Park, who writes from her perspective as the CEO of the Girl Scouts of Northern California. She ranges over a lot of topics, great stuff.

* My book, The Happiness Project, comes out on December 29. If you're inclined to buy the book, pre-orders give a huge boost to a book, because they give the book momentum in the eyes of the media and booksellers. I love those pre-orders! Here's the pre-order link. To thank people who pre-order, I've prepared free bonus materials. If you do pre-order, just email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don't forget the "1") and write "pre-ordered" in the subject line.

If you're not sure whether you want the book, here are sample chapters and a zippy one-minute book video and seven reasons why reading the book is different from reading the blog.

Five Tips for Planning Effective New Year’s Resolutions.

Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and I know I always do. I’m more inclined to make resolutions than ever, in fact, because if my happiness project has convinced me of anything, it has convinced me that resolutions – made right – can make a huge difference in boosting happiness.

So how do you resolve well? This is trickier than it sounds. Here are some tips for making your resolutions as effective as possible. Remember, right now, you’re in the planning stage. Don’t feel like you have to do anything yet! Just start thinking about what would make 2010 a happier year.

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?” It might having more of something good – more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad – less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right – more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to make someone else happier.

2. Ask: “What is a concrete action that would bring about change?” One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” “Enjoy now,” are resolutions that are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. “Distract myself with fun music when I’m feeling gloomy,” “Watch at least one movie each week,” “Buy a lovely plant for my desk” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?” Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that dance class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Or maybe you respond well to “no.” That’s my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don’t really want to do. Don't expect praise or appreciation. Follow the one-minute rule. There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough?” Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don’t resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

5. Ask: “How am I going to hold myself accountable?” Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions. That’s why groups like AA and Weight Watchers are effective, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. I keep my Resolutions Chart (if you’d like to see my chart, for inspiration, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin.com--just write "resolution chart" in the subject line). Or you could track your resolutions online using the tools at the Happiness Project Toolbox. Or you could form a goals group – or even a happiness-project group! (For a starter kit for starting a happiness-project group, click here.) Accountability is why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it’s hard to measure whether you’ve been keeping it. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

* I always find a lot of posts worth checking out on Lisa Belkin's New York Times blog, Motherlode.

Does Everyone Need a Theme Song? Come On, Get Happy.

Because I literally cannot resist this call to happiness, here is the “Come On, Get Happy” theme song from The Partridge Family television show. I sat grinning away as I listened to it.

And speaking of getting happier, join the 2010 Happiness Challenge! Start your own happiness project and make 2010 a happier year.

To help people stick with their happiness projects, I’ve set up a sign-up sheet so you can add your name to the 2010 Year of Happiness challenge. It’s worth taking a second actually to sign up; studies show that doing an action, like signing this pledge, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions.

The areas of focus will be:
• January--Energy
• February--Love
• March--Work
• April--Money
• May--Mindfulness
• June--Order
• July--Spirit
• August--Fun
• September--Parenthood
• October--Friends
• November--Attitude
• December--Boot Camp Perfect

Of course, these categories are just my suggestions. You might choose to focus on very different areas for your happiness project.

January 1 is always a good time to make a resolution – 44% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions – so by adding your name now, you’re committed to taking action when January 1 rolls around. You might also consider using the online tools over at the Happiness Project Toolbox (bonus: you can see what other people are doing, which is fascinating.)

Also, check out the great material at Woman’s Day Happiness Project page. I particularly enjoyed this recent post on Gym Culture, Some Observations.

Make 2010 a happier year. Come on, get happy.

* The book The Happiness Project is coming out on December 29, so you can...
Pre-order! (if you pre-order, here’s how to get your bonus materials)
Check out the book tour info!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!

In Which Holiday Decorating Reminds Me of Several Happiness Lessons

I recently put up our holiday decorations, and as I was doing it, I was reminded of several important happiness lessons.

1. I love my husband, just as he is. One of the challenges of a happiness project is accepting your own nature—and also your sweetheart’s nature. I wish my husband got a big kick out of holiday decorating, but he doesn’t. There it is. I can’t bully him into wanting to hang ornaments, and I’m happier (and he’s happier) if I don’t try. Relatedly …

2. Given that my husband doesn’t really care about holiday decorating, don’t nag him about helping me. I remind myself that I do holiday decorating because I like it. It’s not so much work that I can’t do it myself, with some help from my daughters, and I truly enjoy it more when I don’t expect or ask him to help. It’s just not worth nagging over it.

3. Spend out! This is my Seventh Personal Commandment, and one that’s always a challenge for me. “Spend out” reminds me to put things to use, not to save things to no purpose. Several years ago, my mother, who loves holiday decorating, gave me a big box of fun stuff. As I was decorating one of our table-top goose-feather trees, I saw two boxes of little shiny red balls—vintage, still in their old boxes. I thought, “Oh, I don’t want to open these boxes of balls from my mother, I want to save them.” Then I saw a box of mini-lights that would fit on the little tree. “Oh, I shouldn’t use those either.” Then I remembered – spend out! What am I saving these things for? Some special occasion—but what's more special than now? They’re meant to be used, so use them! Leaving them sealed in a box is wasteful.

4. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “No deposit, no return.” The holidays are only as much fun as I allow them to be. If I don’t take the trouble to do fun things like keep traditions, take time for projects, and goof around, then I’m not going to find the holidays much fun. Or to put it another way...

5. Enjoy this season and this time of life. In the bustle of every day, and in my desire to get things crossed off my to-do list, sometimes activities like holiday decorating, wrapping presents, or making our special recipe for sweet potatoes can feel like chores. I constantly remind myself to enjoy this season and this time of life. This is a wonderful season of the year, and a wonderful season in the life of my family. One of my daughters still believes in Santa Claus, the other daughter is still ecstatic over a $6 pair of earrings. They’re both excited about spending a day decorating gingerbread houses. It’s my Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short. (If you’ve never watched my one-minute video, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy it.)

Adding to my family's holiday spirit, I'm sure, was the fact that I restrained myself from lecturing them all about these little lessons as they occurred to me. Family members can happily stand only so much talk about happiness.

* I was thrilled to see that my blogland friend Pamela Slim's excellent book, Escape from Cubicle Nation (also a terrific blog—"from corporate prisoner to thriving entrepreneur") make it to two lists for Best Small Business Books for 2009. Great stuff, great to see it get recognized.

* The book The Happiness Project is coming out on December 29, so you can ...
Pre-order! (if you pre-order, here’s how to get your bonus materials)
Check out the book tour info!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!
If you're inspired to start your own happiness project, join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year.
Pre-orders give a huge boost to a book, so if you're inclined to pre-order, I really do appreciate it very much.

"Do Not Spoil What You Have By Desiring What You Have Not..."

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.”
--Epicurus

* I'm a longtime fan of Ben Casnocha's blog, but I just discovered his Business Rules of Thumb Wiki. This is a wonderful compilation of rules -- what I call, in my own terminology "true rules" and "Secrets of Adulthood." It's a fantastic, thoughtful list.

Don’t Try to Keep That Resolution, Part II

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Several weeks ago, I posted about why I’d decided to give up my oft-repeated, but never kept, resolution to “Entertain more.”

I decided that I needed to let go of this resolution. Even though I knew that in the long run, it would make me happier to have friends over, I realized I was feeling too overwhelmed to keep that resolution; it was weighing me down without prompting me to action; and I needed to let myself off the hook.

The funny thing is that about two days after I decided to give up that resolution, I invited my two (yes, two) children & young-adult literature reading groups over for a holiday party! Now, was this a coincidence? Nope.

This is what happened: the minute I went on the record saying “I can’t handle trying to invite people over right now, I’m not going to do it,” I let go of the fantasy of being the perfect party-giver, and then I could give a party. When I invited my friends over (by email, by the way, not with a mailed invitation), I stressed that the evening would be extremely casual and that I couldn’t manage a “real” party. They didn’t care! The party was last night, and in the end, I managed to do a good job. We all had a great time, I was a reasonably good hostess, my house looked nice, and I didn’t make myself crazy beforehand. (This despite the fact that my husband had to go out of town that week, so he couldn't help.)

One of my Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Voltaire) is “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” My mother sets a high bar for me to consider—she does everything, including parties, absolutely beautifully. She enjoys doing it, but for me, it’s stressful. When I think about trying to have a holiday party the way she’d do it, I can’t cope. Telling myself that I wasn’t “really” entertaining let me do it in my own way, at a level that I could handle.

So if you’re having trouble keeping a resolution, consider pursuing it in a less “perfect” form; settle for the "good." If you can’t make yourself go to the gym, try to go for a walk around the block. If you can’t tackle your crowded garage, clean out one corner. If you don't have time to volunteer for the adult-literacy program, you can sign up to be an organ donor.

A nice thing about settling for “good” when “perfect” is too daunting is that achieving a small thing often gives you the energy to attempt a bigger thing. Having such a good time giving my un-party makes me more enthusiastic to do it again.

If you feel inspired to try to keep some resolutions—either small ones or big ones, good or perfect – consider joining in 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. Each month I'll suggest a theme (e.g., Energy, Work, Family) and resolutions to help you boost your happiness. Learn more—sign up!

* I've been a fan of Bob Sutton's books (especially The No A**hole Rule) and his blog Work Matters for a long time, so I sent him an advance copy of The Happiness Project. I was HAPPY beyond description to read his incredibly kind response, and I can't resist linking to it here: The Happiness Project--I Hate Self-Help Books But Love This One.

* In the category of goofy yet compelling, check out this short video of people recreating the London skyline out of fruits and vegetables.

* Free bonus materials: Pre-orders give a big boost to a book, so to thank readers for pre-ordering, I've put together some bonus materials. After you pre-order, just email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com and write "I've pre-ordered," and I'll send them to you. Honor system. (Don't worry if you pre-ordered a while back, just email anyway.) Materials include:
--The Happiness Project Manifesto: a quick summary of some of the most important observations about happiness (Bob Sutton's fascinating 15 Things I Believe helped inspire me to write a manifesto)
--Top Tips: tips that people have found particularly helpful
--Resolutions Chart: my own personal Resolutions Chart, for you to consider as an example. The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for your happiness project.

Two Things that Make Me Happy Today.

As I approach the publication day of my book (oh, did I forget to mention it? December 29), two things have made me happy.

First, I’m scheduled to go on the Today show on Friday, January 8. Very exciting! I did the Today show for my first book, Power Money Fame Sex (which is sort of the opposite of The Happiness Project). It was such an out-of-body experience that I have absolutely no recollection of talking to Matt Lauer. I’m thrilled to get the chance to talk about my book there. (And it's still far enough in the future that I don't feel nervous yet.)

Second, at long last, my book trailer is ready to be seen! It’s hard to believe how much work it takes to do a one-minute video – mostly done by my brilliant video person, Maria Giacchino at My Little Jacket. Check it out:

Here's the link if you need it.

As always, although I worried about tackling a new thing, working on the trailer ended up being a lot of fun. I spent time with an interesting new person; I learned something about book trailers; I got the chance to exercise my creativity in a different way. Novelty and challenge are, well, challenging, but in the end, they lead to happiness.

If seeing the trailer inspires you to buy the book, here’s the pre-order link, and here are sample chapters.

Or if it inspires you to start your own happiness project, you can sign up to join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year.

* My friend Helen Coster published a hilarious piece in McSweeney's: A former investment banker analyst falls back on Plan B. I was laughing out loud.

Four Tips for Using the Abstainer/Moderator Split in the Face of Holiday Temptations

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 4 tips for using the abstainer/moderator split to fight holiday temptations.

Ah, the holidays. If you’re a person who is trying to withstand temptations, it can be very tough. Everywhere you go, you face cookies, candy, booze, and snacks and treats of every kind. While some people can whole-heartedly can enjoy all this, many of us waver between wanting to try everything and wanting to resist everything.

A successful strategy to facing this temptation may depend on whether you’re a moderator or an abstainer when trying to resist temptation.

You’re an abstainer if you …
— have trouble stopping something once you’ve started
— aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits
(Of course, in the case of things like nicotine and alcohol, abstention is necessary.)

I’m an abstainer, without a doubt. Like Samuel Johnson, who wrote, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult,” I find it much easier to give things up altogether than to indulge in moderation. And that’s a very useful thing to know about myself.

Take Halloween candy, for example. I love candy, especially bite-sized candy. I knew that Halloween would be a huge temptation for me, and that I’d likely end up eating a lot of candy and feeling very guilty about it—and that wasn’t going to make me happy.

So I decided, “No Halloween candy! Not one piece!” And that was far easier for me to do than to eat just four or five pieces. And I was much happier having no candy than I would have been if I’d been stealing candy from my children’s stashes every time they were out of the kitchen – which is absolutely what I would otherwise have done. I’m doing the same thing with Christmas candy.

If you’re a moderator, however, that strategy wouldn’t work for you. You’d probably be better off thinking, “I can have a few pieces of my favorite kind of candy,” and focusing on enjoying those pieces. You can really revel in whatever it is that you’re permitting yourself, and by putting a limit on your consumption, you may find yourself enjoying it more.

So, to apply the moderator/abstainer model to yourself when facing holiday temptations, try this:

1. Decide if you’re a moderator or an abstainer.
2. Decide what temptation you’d like to resist.
3. Set a time period. “I will not eat a single cookie until January 4” or “I will eat one or two cookies at every holiday event I attend, and I’ll enjoy them, but I’ll stop at two.” “I won’t have any eggnog” or “I'll have one glass of eggnog, on Christmas Eve, when we visit my parents.”
4. As you approach your tempting situation, imagine yourself living up to your rule. Imagine yourself skipping the cookies; or imagine yourself taking just two cookies. Think about how pleased you’ll be that you stuck to your guidelines for yourself.

In my experience, moderators and abstainers are hard on each other. Moderators always say things to me like, “You should have a little fun!” “It’s not reasonable to be so hard on yourself!” “You’re too rigid about what you eat, you worry too much about your weight, it’s not healthy.”

And I have the urge to say to moderators: “You’re not sticking to your resolutions!” “Why don’t you just give up that [whatever it is] altogether?”

Either strategy can help us resist temptation; as with so many aspects of the pursuit of happiness, the secret is to know yourself, and to act according with your own nature. For me, although some people might think it seems cramped and joyless not to eat any Halloween candy, I know I'm happier if I skip it.

On a related note: it can seem festive and friendly to urge people to break their diets, to indulge in an extra glass of wine, or to treat themselves in some way. “I can’t believe you’re not going to try this dessert, I made it myself!” “Just one won’t hurt!” “You deserve it!” “This is a party, relax, live a little!” But the kind thing to do, in almost every situation, is to try to help people stick to their resolutions. Of course, bullying them if you think they’re over-indulging isn’t kind, either.

How about you? Do you recognize yourself as an abstainer or a moderator? Have you found any good strategies for coping with holiday temptation?

* I met Karl Staib at a conference last year, and I really love checking out his site, Work Happy Now.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 30,000 people get it)
-- Pre-order the book for your friends (or yourself) -- here's an e-card to let them know it's coming
-- Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

“Toast, Tea, and To-Do Lists”

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’m much more likely to be convinced to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him or her, than by any other kind of argument.

Given my own topic, of course I couldn’t resist clicking when I saw a blog called The Happiest Mom – “Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence.” I was particularly intrigued by her explanation: “The Happiest Mom isn’t about being the happiest mom in the world—it’s about being the happiest mom YOU can be.”

Meagan Francis is a writer and also the mother of five children—zoikes! She blogs mostly about the intersection of happiness and motherhood, and I was curious to hear what she had to say about happiness in general.

One thing I really admire about her writing is her ability to step back to think about everyday life from a more transcendent perspective – for example, her post about seeing the movie Revolutionary Road and thinking about “the conventional life.” Ah, the appeal of living in a yurt – even if you don’t want to live in a yurt! I know it well.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Meagan: My morning cup of tea. I'm a habit-oriented person, which can be great or awful depending what the habit is! But once I've created a pleasurable routine I just love sticking to it. For the last three years I've started every morning with two slices of peanut butter toast and a cup of tea, and when I first wake up and don't want to roll out of bed, it makes me so happy to know I have that to look forward to. It's not so much that tea and toast are the highlights of my day (that would be kind of sad, wouldn't it?), but it's something I can consistently look forward to that starts my day off with a bit of joy.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I think you really have to know yourself to be happy, and that was what I lacked at 18. I didn't really understand myself well enough to make sure my needs were taken care of. I've written before about how I thought of myself as this kind of lazy, blowing-in-the-wind free spirit who just needed to take it easy and avoid pressure to be happy.

Then in my mid-20s I discovered that, actually, I'm pretty ambitious, energetic, and action-oriented. I am much happier while in motion than I was lounging around. And I need a to-do list and some kind of routine or I'm just miserable and unproductive. I wish I'd figured that out in college!

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books)
We have this in common! I love reading the books of my youth--it's like slipping into a cozy old robe, and also helps me recapture a bit of the magic I felt when I was little and reading a great book was like stepping into an exciting new world. Particular happy favorites for me are the Trixie Belden series (Jeepers--how could you help but be happy while reading about the misadventures of such wholesome, kind kids?), the Anne of Green Gables series (such scope for imagination in them...) and the Little House books, especially the chapters with long descriptions of the foods they ate and their simple prairie Christmases. Ahhh...

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I think that a lot of people spend a lot of time focusing on how they would be happier if X (they were out of debt or had a better house or their spouse would start picking up his own socks). But I've come to realize that once you reach whatever that milestone is you thought would make you happy--you get out of debt, you move into a nicer home, your spouse magically starts picking up his socks or you kick him out!--you feel a momentary thrill and then, quicker than you might think, you go back to about the same level of happiness you were before (sometimes, there's even a sense of letdown).

That's not to say you shouldn't try to improve your life, or that those improvements can't help you find happiness more easily. But if we're putting all hopes for happiness on something unusual or great happening to us, what if it doesn't happen? Or what if it does, and it's not as big a thrill as we thought it would be? I think we have to look at it in reverse: make up our minds that we're going to have a happy life, then try to create a reality to match. Sometimes, things just won't work out the way we'd hoped, but if we aren't too reliant on those outside forces to "make" us happy, we'll be able to ride through the disappointments and stresses more quickly and smoothly.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
Pretty much every time I have been chronically unhappy, it was because I was convinced somebody else was "making" me that way. Because once you give up control over your own happiness, you're just blowing with the wind, influenced by other people's actions and moods. Plus, you can start to stubbornly cling to your anger and resentment about the way others are "making" you miserable, until you get to the point where you almost want everyone around you to act like jerks, just so you can be right about what jerks they really are.

The surest predictor of happiness, for me, is not to let other people's actions knock me off course. Of course I sometimes get upset or angry or sad when dealing with other people--that's just human. But I can't give them either the credit or the blame for my essential happiness--it's not fair, and it's not really accurate. In the end, it's all up to me, baby.

* A fellow Yale-Law-School-turned-writer-and-blogger wrote me, because we took similar career paths. But wow, is her book and blog world different from mine! It was so much fun to visit a site that I never would have come across during my usual internet travels. La Carmina writes about "wild Japanese fashion, with a focus on Gothic Lolita Rococo Punk." Which are things, I must admit, I didn't know existed. As she might say, "crazy wacky cute yummy time!"

* The book The Happiness Project is coming out on December 29 –
Pre-order! (if you do pre-order, here’s how you get your bonus materials)
Book tour info!
Sample chapters!
Join the challenge: Make 2010 a Happier Year!

I’ve Waited Three Years to Write This Post. Plus a Freebie!

I started this blog in March 2006. I didn’t intend to become a blogger, at all; I considered myself (and still consider myself) a traditional writer of books. Starting a blog was the way I chose to test the proposition that novelty and challenge make people happier – I might have learned PhotoShop or trained for a marathon, instead. I’m certainly happy that I chose the challenge of starting a blog, because it has added so much to my happiness.

But my book, The Happiness Project, also makes me happy, and now, after years of preparation, it’s about to hit the shelves. I still can’t quite believe that that day is just a few short weeks away: December 29.

If you read the blog, I hope you’ll consider reading the book. “Ummm, why should I buy your book,” some people have asked, “when I can read the blog for free?” Other people have asked, more delicately, “I read your blog regularly, so isn’t reading the book just more of the same?” Here are some reasons to read the book:

1. One smart friend who has read both said she thought the blog was process, the book was conclusion. The ideas in the book are presented in a more distilled, thoughtful way, and the book framework allows me to tell longer stories and explain more complicated ideas. I’m able to show how different ideas fit together, which can be tough to do in one blog post. The book goes deeper.

2. On the blog, I write about whatever subject interests me that day, so it skips from topic to topic. The book is organized by subject matter: Energy, Parenthood, Work, Marriage, Play, Spirituality, Mindfulness, etc. If you’re interested in particular subjects, you can focus there.

3. If you’ve been enjoying the blog, and you’d like to share it with a friend, you can give the book as a gift. You can’t give the experience of reading a blog as a gift, but you can give a book.

4. In a book, you can more easily take notes about what applies to you and your happiness project. Underlining, highlighting, and taking notes in the margin allow you to engage with the material. (You can do this electronically, of course, but many people still find it easier to do with old-fashioned pen and paper.)

5. In the same way, the experience of reading a book is very different from reading a blog. You can’t curl up on the couch with a blog; you can’t read it on the beach or in bed or while you’re at your children’s soccer practice (well, you can, but it’s tough).

6. I’m much more forthcoming in my book than I am on my blog. I call my family members by their true names. I talk about juicy episodes that I’ve never mentioned here. I reveal a very major fact about my life that I’ve never discussed on my blog.

7. Many of my readers have written that they want to buy the book to show their support—a “thank you” for everything I’ve done for free. Which I very much appreciate!

If I've convinced you, and you're so inclined, pre-orders gives a big boost to a book, because booksellers, the media, and foreign publishers all look at pre-order numbers. So, to thank readers who do pre-order, I’ve created a pack of bonus materials:

--The Happiness Project Manifesto: a quick summary of some of the most important observations about happiness
--Top Tips: tips that people have found particularly helpful
--Resolutions Chart: my own personal Resolutions Chart, for you to consider as an example. The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for your happiness project.

To get your bonus materials, email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”); no need to write anything more than “I’ve pre-ordered THE HAPPINESS PROJECT” in the subject line. You’re on your honor about whether you’ve actually pre-ordered.

If you deserve a gold star as well as bonus materials because you’ve already pre-ordered the book, email me and write “I already pre-ordered.”

The book doesn’t come out until after the holidays. If you’d like to give the book as a gift, anyway, here’s an e-card to say the book is on its way.

Still not sure whether you want to read the book? Read sample chapters here.

I have to admit -- I got an advance copy of the book a few days ago, and I still haven't been able to open it. I'm afraid of spotting a typo, now that it's too late to fix any mistakes. But it really does exist.

* A friend sent me a link to a helpful site, PicClick, if you’re looking holiday presents – it's a visual eBay search engine. Crazy!