Welcome to the Digital Viking: The EDSBS Guide to Spicy Living. Published every Friday, the Digital Viking embraces zesty living with a six-part review of the essentials:

–A patron saint invoked for inspiration
–Drink
–Comestibles
–Combustibles
–Transit
–Canon

Steady study of the Digital Viking’s recommendations will increase spiritual happiness and liver circumference. Apply once weekly and throughout the week for best results.

This week’s Patron Saint: Colton Harris-Moore. 18 years old and already in the pantheon, Colton Harris-Moore is many things you’d like to be: unapologetic kleptomaniac, agile woodsman, and a amateur aviator who taught himself to fly planes based on video games he played. (And probably stole.) Aviator is a loosely employed term: Colton Harris-Moore has yet to fly a plane and then land it successfully, thus falling in line with DB Cooper as “Guys in the Pacific Northwest Who Are Weak On Landings.”

Oh, yeah: He’s got t-shirts and a fan club.

That doesn’t stop him from stealing Cessnas, or from committing over 50 robberies at this point while sending his victims cheeky photos of himself, or most impressively from eluding a huge manhunt limited to one island despite being a big white 6′5″ dude living in the middle of the woods with night-vision goggles on in a fortress made of pizza boxes. We’re not sure what Colton Harris-Moore is doing out there, or what he thinks he’s going to do with stolen DVD players in the middle of the woods, but like a gigantic pack rat fueled by Papa John’s delivered to location “THE WOODS,” he’s living out the game of Grand Theft Auto: Puget Sound meets My Side of the Mountain you only wish you could.

To wit:

He evaded a police pursuit by crashing a Mercedes-Benz into a roadside gas storage tank, using the explosion as a diversion to escape back into the woods where, he says, he feels like a Native American.

Oh, that clears it up: he’s building a casino out there made of pizza boxes and stolen DVD players. You call it insanity, but they said that about Idi Amin, too. Salute, one-man crime wave and outdoorsman: your time may be limited, but no one can say it isn’t without spice. (Just don’t shoot at the cops again. They tend to shoot back when you do that.)

Drink. (more…)

Somehow, this is all just a vast plot to twist Georgia fans in knots they didn’t imagine were humanly possible: today’s phantom candidate is Derek Dooley, aka “Mike Shula with a law degree.”

If they wanted an old-school hire, going with the well-organized preppy 17-20 head coach of a genteel SEC great is about as old school as you can get. He uses the right fork! His RSVP note was immaculate! Oh, my, did you see the part in his hair! AND HE COMES FROM SUCH GOOD STOCK. Mike Hamilton is horrible at what he is paid to do.

UPDATE: After Whittingham turned down UT this morning, they got Dooley. It’s official.

Urban Meyer will use whatever flavor of skycake necessary to get a recruit.

Atheist: “Kid, there’s just one life, right? Don’t fuck it up by going to Florida State. Cause, you know, it’s not like you’re coming back for another shot.”

Baptist: “I have pictures of you holding a beer at a party last night, and will send them to your pastor.”

Radical Muslim: “An infidel Zionist like Mark Richt will never give you a fair chance.”

Jewish: “You want that I should tell her her bubbe is going to some place that won’t take care of him, eh?”

Yazidi Kurd: “Don’t worry. I will take the color blue out of our uniforms.”

Zoroastrian: “We love fire. I’ll set the Swamp on fire for you. Literally.” /sets Swamp on fire.

Catholic: “Is would exsisto obviam templum doctrina quod logic permitto vos vado alicubi alius filius.”

Satanist: “Well, yeah…I guess you kind of have to go to Alabama.”

Scientologist: “You’re quibbling over four years out of a billion year service contract?”

Mormon: “I checked with your ward. Doing a year in Alachua county qualifies as mission work in a third-world country. Plus, we have ATVs and stuff.”

Buddhist: “Sign. Or not. Either way I’m cool.”

Taoist: /doesChinesecalligraphy

/ignoresrecruitaltogether

Because you have no football to watch tonight because we are in the icy grips of the offseason, you may as well watch the geniuses behind Frisky Dingo get it on FX with their new opus, Archer at 10 p.m. EST. A show whose previews use the following phrases can’t possibly go wrong:

–sex robe
–interracial porn
–cayenne kitty
–underwear gun

For those of you who just found this site via Google Search using these terms, you’re probably a terribly ill person. Feel free to make yourself comfortable, since you’re in the right place.

WFMY and sister station WBIR in Knoxville are reporting that Duke head coach David Cutcliffe is headed back to Tennessee. No, you cannot make them make out, Oops Pow Surprise, though if you could that would be so sweet brah. The same stations are also hedging those reports, too, so hold at arm’s length.

David Cutcliffe also has a thumb for a head. That is all for now.

Cutcliffe: qb guru, former Ole Miss coach, and thumb-head.

Play “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” with the question “Who/What is Troy Calhoun?”

OPTION ONE: An ersatz brand jeans discontinued after lead-tainted cloth killed and sickened 27 customers in the Greater Northwest era.

OPTION TWO: India’s 15th most popular moped model

OPTION THREE: Played “Cowboy flung into horse watering trough #5 in Silverado.”

OPTION FOUR: Air Force’s head coach who is staying at his job and not going to Tennessee.

If you chose option four, you get Carl Kassell on your voicemail or home answering machine, but only after he sleeps with your girl and shows you how a real g do.

Tennessee is now down to David Cutcliffe of Duke, Derek Dooley of LA Tech, and Clemson defensive coordinator Kevin Steele. LET’S GET EXCITED!

With USF taking Skip Holtz, the Bulls fill their coaching vacancy with a guy who surely didn’t want to skip out on a great opportunity like USF! /shoots self in face. We may now look forward to even more USF on ESPN, and not just because they love Holtz-on-Holtz commentary during the game. USF should actually be a Big East contender late into the season since Holtz will bring innovations the Bulls have lacked on offense like outlet receivers and pass protection. Innovations: he has ‘em.

Holtz will also get to savor the joys of the Tampa Bay life, also known as getting in a boat at the end of the day and drinking a 24 pack in a boat before woozily returning to its blighted shores for sleep. Oh, and Ted Peter’s Smoked Fish, the official smoked fish of EDSBS and the Universe That Gives A Shit About Quality Mullet Dip As We Know It. Other than that, Skip, workaholics miss nothing in Tampa.

ECU’s coaching vacancy has only one logical solution. Pirates: meet your captain.

Let’s get it poppin’, agents.

It begins: The Fulmer Cup Season 2010 is now open. The theme? THE YEAR WE MAKE (ILLEGAL AND PROSECUTABLE) CONTACT.

Pours out an entire bottle of Cheerwine for the dead homey Fulmer.

The SAS Wiki has become an unofficial but valued adjunct of EDSBS’ efforts–now in our fourth year doing this–to categorize, classify, and tally the illicit behavior of college football athletes. Thus do we finally come up with a scientifically valid and indisputable record you may tote into message board discussion of “Who is most felonious?”, and thus establish peace and logic on these internets forever.* The rules are posted over there, as is the Fulmer Cup Processing Station, an important repository of unawarded cases ready for processing by the Queen of Hearts, ourselves.

Queen of Hearts, btw, is both an Alice In Wonderland reference and a general rule to follow here. Bonus points are awarded as we see fit, and if you don’t like it, off with your head. Additionally, we will exercise the right to reduce points on dismissed charges only if they’re complete bullshit. For instance, Trent Pupello’s Cup-winning charges last year were dismissed, but no one disputes his pistol-whipping several people in a parking lot. The points stand, and if you don’t like it…well, you may speak with Monsieur Guillotine over there.

The first points awarded this year go to: (more…)