I know we don't care anything about soccer in America (aside from caring about David Beckham's wife, so that sort of counts, but not really), but I have to hand it soccer fans. They consistently win the game of "Who Can Be The Nuttiest?" NFL fans dress up and college basketball fans paint up, but soccer fans continually confuse and delight me. (And sometimes they get violent too - not cool soccer crazies.) Here are some pictures from a FIFA semi-final game in Abu Dhabi that go beyond the level of 'rally cap'. For now let's just agree these fans go beyond the standard 'rally cap'. And maybe one day we can settle who has the craziest sports fans in some sort of poll.

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It's time for another That's Gonna Be A Movie, where I find a news story that is so insanely show bizzy, so elevator pitchy, that Hollywood is already salivating at the movie rights. Today's edition: The 17-year-old boy named Jupi Nakoolak who was trapped on an ice float with some polar bears.

Jupi and his uncle got lost on a hunting trip in Canada's Arctic region, and while trying to find rescue, they became separated: the teenager was trapped on an ice pan that broke off and started to float away. To make matters worse, on the same floating sheet of ice: a polar bear and her two cubs!! Jupi drifted 20 miles, and was forced to shoot the adult bear in order to protect himself from certain bear-death. He was (thankfully!) rescued, but undoubtedly he has been through a terrifying experience.

THIS IS SO GONNA BE A MOVIE! But what kind of movie? There are a couple of different ways this could go:

Polar Boy: A stark account of the tale in which a boy (portrayed by the next Emile Hirsche!) comes face to face with the wild. Directed by Werner Herzog, of course.

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Yay! Jimmy will be making a cameo on 30 Rock tonight! Don't miss it. Here's a sneak peek:

Yay! As you may have noticed, we are fans of 30 Rock here...

RELATED:
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Alec Baldwin For The Win
Tracy Morgan In A Snuggie
Tracy Morgan Interview
Judah Friedlander's Art Collection
Tina Fey & Jimmy's Screen Test for Weekend Update
Jack McBrayer Is Not Bobby Jindal
Jack McBrayer Interview

We understand. Sometimes, it's hard to stay up late and watch the show. Or maybe your DVR is full after recording every TV show with the word "real" in the title. Or maybe you're (like most of us) just looking for an easy, fun way to revisit your favorite moments from the show you have loyally watched every night since the premiere. We totally feel you. And that's exactly why we created the amazing Late Night Weekly package, now available on iTunes! We take the best moments from last week's show - interviews, sketches, games, and monologue jokes - and combine them into one hilarious 30-40 minute episode. It's like a digest. Of awesomeness.

Click here to open the Late Night Weekly iTunes page.

Subscribe today! (And thank us tomorrow.)

Last night on LNWJF, the terrific Rufus Wainwright performed "The Art Teacher." If you missed it or would like to see it again, you can do so by clicking HERE.

(You can select the specific chapter inside the link.)

On Friday night's LNWJF the one and only Pet Shop Boys performed "Love etc." from their new album Yes. If you missed it or would like to see it again, you can do so by clicking HERE.

(You can select the specific chapter inside the link.)

Yesterday, Asia was treated to a galactic treat when for over 6 minutes the moon passed in front of the view of the sun causing a total solar eclipse. Naturally people took to the streets to view the eclipse while taking proper safety precautions to watch it unfold.

Find out how NOT TO view a solar eclipse after the jump.

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A television station in Japan has begun re-enacting crime stories using toys. I'm not sure if this is because their News Chopper 3000 broke down, or because it's emotionally easier to digest the news if it is presented by a gloved-man moving toys around. Either way, I really wish Wolf Blitzer would try this out sometime. In this clip, they demonstrate a thrilling high speed police chase involving a backhoe:

(via Japan Probe)

Yesterday, the AP reported a story about a company in Japan experimenting with a new literary experience by printing an original nine chapter horror novella on toilet paper. The stories are written by Koji Suzuki, the Japanese horror writer of The Ring. (I'm thinking that going from The Ring to writing on toilet paper is a bit of a step down.) The story is (fittingly) titled Drop (as in, a "deuce") and can be read in one seated session.

The company is marketing the toilet paper as "a horror experience in the toilet." I don't know about you but when I go to the toilet I'm not usually looking for a horror experience. I'd like to be in the mindset of a nice, fast, relaxing experience if anything. Come to think of it, I don't need any kind of "experience." I'll save that for when I'm outside of the bathroom. The article goes on to say that toilets in Japan are "traditionally tucked away in a dark corner of the house due to religious beliefs. Parents would tease children that a hairy hand might pull them down into the dark pool below." Don't teach them that!

A few benefits for printing a horror novella directly on toilet paper are: if you don't like the story, you can express exactly how you feel about it by doing what you normally do with toilet paper AND if its so scary that you nearly "crapped your pants," well, you don't have to worry about that anymore.

On the heels of the nationwide release of Terminator Salvation it's time to check back in on the infamous Christian Bale rant (NSFW) that occurred on the Terminator set when Bale unleashed his anger on the film's DP (Director of Photography), Shane Hurlbut for unintentionally distracting him. Enough time has passed as to where Shane Hurlbut can now use this rant to his advantage.

10 Positive Usable Pull Quotes From the Christian Bale Tirade For DP Shane Hurlbut's Resume

1. "I've never had a DP...like this."

2. "...good...!"

3. "...a nice guy."

4. "I want you..."

5. "...you professional..."

6. "...got f**king something to say..."

7. "... a f**king answer!"

8. "...he...gives a f**k about what is going on in front of the camera."

9. "Alright..."

10. "... you're still hired."

Related: Jimmy Fallon Outburst Caught On Tape

If there is one thing that gets me dry heavin' that thing is moldy food. It never fails. If I see moldy food, I dry heave. If I think about moldy food, I dry heave. I just dry heaved. I bring this up because an office building in San Jose had to be evacuated and 7 people were sent to THE HOSPITAL because of fumes from a fridge full of moldy food. The rotten food created a smell that was so awful that an additional 28 people needed to be treated for vomiting and nausea. Firefighters and a hazmat team (!) were called in to evacuate the entire building. This all began when a go-get-em office worker took initiative to clean out the fridge -- luckily she did not need treatment because she can't smell anything as a result of allergies.

If you're in an office that shares a fridge, today is a good day to get the wheels in motion to get it cleaned out, as I am declaring today, Clean Out Your Fridge Day 2009. Unless of course it's full of moldy food. In that case, RUN!

BONUS: Let's take an insider look into our Late Night communal fridge to see if we're in danger, after the jump.

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Rising internet star, Kige Ramsey's instructional video on How to Throw a Baseball:

1. Put the baseball in your hand.
2. Do all of the things a Major League baseball player would do.
3. Wind up and then throw it.

Perhaps long time Howard Stern Show producer Gary Dell'Abate (or Baba Booey as he is most often referred to) should have watched that video before he threw out the first pitch at a New York Met game this weekend.

There is a great article over at seattlepi.com about Jimmy getting his diploma from the College of Saint Rose this weekend. Congrats Jimmy! It's a great insightful article about Jimmy in his college years and his transition into showbiz. Dare I say, a must read. The real bonus comes at the end of the article which features a video clip of Jimmy in a student video production called 40 Whacks.

The first 100 days are up and President Obama is holding a Presidential News Conference tonight answering questions from the media. You should watch that but also you should check how this is going to impact the rest of your TV watching schedule. After all, it is Wednesday night, a big night for TV shows!

It appears as though this news conference won't pre-empt shows like American Idol, Lost, and Law & Order but it can go long so you may want to record over the time alloted. Just sayin'.

Breaking news! The men's room in The Hermitage Hotel in Nashville Tennessee has been voted as the best bathroom in the United States. The ground-floor men's room was crowned the BEST in an online vote held over a two month period that had tens of thousands of people voting. Criteria for the title and entry into "America's Best Restroom Hall of Fame" were hygiene, style and access to the public. The winner has four stools, three urinals, four sinks, spotless mirrors and a Sultan telephone that connects to the front desk. Do they really need a phone in there? ("Hi front desk, It's me, Jerry, from the bathroom. I can't "go" unless someone makes ocean noises. Can you come in here and help me out?")

I don't know about you guys but to me the best bathroom in the world is the one that is completely private. I don't care if it has lime-green-and-black leaded glass tiles, lime-green fixtures, a terrazzo floor and a two-seat shoeshine station (like the winner has). Do you really want to be getting your shoes shined while someone is doing their number 2 business a half a foot away from you? When I am in the bathroom, I want to be alone. I need to be alone. Please get out. I still don't understand the concept of being in a bathroom or using a bathroom when there is also a stranger (or a friend) in there using the bathroom as well. You're a stranger, why am I in the bathroom with you? Don't make eye contact. Are you talking to me in the bathroom? Please don't talk to me in the bathroom. Did your elbow just touch mine?! I will now run away....Sorry, I clearly have bathroom issues. Congratulations Hermatige Hotel!

More about the Best Restroom Awards (video) after the (bathroom) break.

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Our friend of the show (and first ever guest), Robert De Niro, runs a little film festival here in New York City...maybe you've heard of it? It's called The Tribeca Film Festival, people, and it's awesome. The festival kicks off tomorrow and lasts through May 3, so if you're in New York City, make sure to check out one of the many screenings and events. There is a huge LNWJF contingency planning to attend a VERY special screening on Thursday night. You're not going to believe this - but as part of the fest, they are showing TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES at the Tribeca Drive-in!!! Yes, that's right, you can go see one of the greatest movies ever made - outside, at night, in a "Drive-in," in New York City. With me. And tons of other people. COWABUNGA DUDE!!! Do you think De Niro will be there?

I'm sure you've heard about today's Tax Day Tea Parties, where American protesters are taking to the internet, the streets, and Capitol Hill to protest bailouts and taxes. Along with your standard protest fare (signs, chants, revolutionary era costumes) people are planning to drop tons of tea bags in a recreation of the Boston Tea Party to protest taxes. While there are some differences between this and the Boston Tea Party (I don't think they planned on cleaning up the Boston one like people are planning to today, but that is a polite gesture so that's good), I support people's right to protest. But some of us have to work. So here is how you can have your own tea party right at your desk. (cue the Beatles' "Revolution"....)

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So wait, pirates are real? I always thought they were fictional fantasy characters, like a unicorn or a sorcerer or Rip Taylor. But lately, every time I turn on the news I hear about pirates taking over ships. Is this a massive viral marketing campaign for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Where's Me Gold? (does a pirate say that or is that a leprechaun?) Its most certainly not a marketing campaign, these pirates are real and they don't wear fancy hats and beads and say, "Aaaargh matey." They sneak aboard your ship and hold you captive and take your things. Dave Parker and Willie Stargell would never do that (those are former Pittsburgh Pirates). Does a bad world economy spawn pirates? Speaking of leprechauns (I mentioned them before), I guess now is the best time to ask, are they real too?

Here's an interesting animation about the current pirate situation made by internet celeb, Odd Todd for IFC's Media Project:

Next you're probably going to tell me that there are real Bounty Hunters. Yeah right.

So you know that old wives' tale that if you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow inside your stomach? It's not true. But what IS true is that if you accidentally inhale a seed, you might grow a tree inside your LUNGS. That's what happened to one Russian man named Artyom Sidorkin. He was experiencing acute chest pain and was coughing up blood. Doctors suspected cancer, so they operated. Here's what happened in the O.R.:

Doctor 1: Okay, let's open him up.

Doctor 2: Yep. Let's see the---what the??

Doctor 1: What is it, Vladimir?

Doctor 2: Holy sh*t. Is that what I think it is...?

Doctor 1: My god, Vladimir. It's a TREE!

Doctor 2: Nurse Svetlana, we're gonna need some vodka in here, stat.

Okay so I'm not sure this is actually how it went down, but it DID happen. Don't believe me? There is photographic evidence!! (And no, the picture to the right is not of the tree growing inside a dude's lung. That's my Uncle Frank after a few beers.) It's pretty gruesome, so I've put it after the jump. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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BIG NEWS EVERYBODY! Michelle Duggar (mother of The Duggar Family, famous for having - so far - 18 children) is NOT pregnant again. BUT, her eldest son, Joshua, is expecting his first child. Now, if you're not familiar with the Duggars, not only do they have 18 kids, but they gave them all names starting with the letter J. When asked if Josh and his wife would continue the J tradition with the first Duggar grandchild, they said no. They're considering starting a new line of same-first-letter-names, perhaps M. Whoah whoah whoah, kids. Let's think about this first. Have you considered the full spectrum of M names out there (hint: BOOORING!!!)? What about some of the more exciting letters of the alphabet? Like for example, the letters that are actually worth something in the game of Scrabble? Before you commit, I highly recommend reading this first. Here are some possible name chains that the Duggar grandkids could follow:

Q: Quentin, Quennell, Quenby, Quatthew, Quoshua, Quames, Quelizabeth, Quoseph, Quephanie, Quirtship

X: Xavier, Xadrian, Xommy, Xannon, Xpete, Xatherine, Xylojones, Xray, Xjim

Z: Zachariah, Zahara, Zeus, Zebra, Ziggy, Zoltan, Zeremy, Zzzzzz, Zillian, Zinwood, Zatarans, Zipzapzippitydoo

The good news is, I'm pretty sure that all of the above names are from The Bible, so whatever they choose will be great. Which letter do you think they should go with?

A helicopter rescue team was dispatched into a German forest after a woman reported she heard someone being tortured, as evidenced by three hours of what she thought was screaming. Turns out, it was a man laughing loudly at a book he was reading. He explained to police he had gone into the forest to read his book "in peace and quiet." Wow. What book could possibly be SO funny that it would induce laughter for a solid three hours? And not just any laughter. I'm talking sounds-like-someone-being-murdered, can-be-heard-a-mile-away laughter. What was this dude reading??? I think it had to have been one of the following:

• Sniglets by Rich Hall


• The Far Side: Wiener Dog Art by Gary Larson


• Everyone Poops by TarÅ? Gomi


• Garfield Gains Weight by Jim Davis


• Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky


• So Far... Kelsey Grammer's autobiography

A couple of weeks ago, I reported a story about a student in the UK that was suspended from riding the school bus for passing gas repeatedly. That story also linked back to another story about a 13 year-old that was suspended from school for "letting one rip" during class. Passing gas seems to be way less tolerable these days then when I was in grade school.

Now, the intolerance has spread to the sports world, as a footballer (soccer player) on Chorlton Villa received a yellow card (a penalty) for farting during a penalty kick. The manager of The Chorlton Villa was quoted as saying, "One of our players 'broke wind' and only the referee heard it and he booked the player." He went on to say that this fart came at a bad time because the team is seeking new sponsorship for next season and this kind of penalized conduct can put potential sponsorship in jeopardy.

I say, you have to turn a potential negative into a positive and use this to lure sponsors. I don't know about you but every time I turn on the TV, I see commercials for indigestion, upset stomach, excess gas, toilet paper, deodorants, odor eliminators and many more bathroom/digestion related products. This fart is a gold mine!

I think this also means that every time I find a legit news story about farting, I might be writing about it here.

(via Deadspin)

Flashback to a dirty rehearsal space in Los Angeles, 1985:

AXL ROSE: We're gonna be huge. Like, enormous. We'll write this 'Welcome to the Jungle" song, tour the world, release a ton of albums, and finally, we'll make a record called Chinese Democracy!

DUFF: That Chinese Democracy thing will never happen!!

AXL ROSE: It will!!

IZZY: (mumbles)

AXL ROSE: Right Izzy! What about you ol' Slash McThrash? Where do you wanna be in 25 years?

SLASH: I wanna teach the children to rock.

(crickets, crickets, crickets)

(In all seriousness, this version of School of Rock is so great because Slash is teaching. My 7th grade, four chord guitar self would be freaking out in that class.)

(via Things I Find)

There's a story on Reuters today about names likely to cause "school room laughter" being on the decline in London. Quoting the article directly, "a study found the number of people with the name Cock shrank to 785 last year from 3,211 in 1881, those called Balls fell to 1,299 from 2,904 and the number of Deaths were reduced to 605 from 1,133."

The article goes on to wonder why these names have persisted as long as they have, and I ask the question --Why haven't I ever met anyone named Balls? On the contrary, the name that is showing the fastest rise from 1996 to 2008 is Wang. I'm not joking!

Here are some more statistics from the article of giggle-worthy names on the decline:

• Smellie decreased by 70 percent


• Gotobeds decreased by 42 percent


• Shufflebottoms decreased by 40 percent


• Cockshotts decreased by 34 percent

As you know, we at LNWJF have been following the NCAA tournament since the beginning when we cheered on our beloved Chattanooga Mocs. Last night I watched a few games and now I'm just letting you know that your NCAA bracket may be screwed. It's early, so I figured I'd get it out of the way now and then we can all go back to work. Good meeting everyone, and I'll call you when some gentle soul leaves free donuts in the conference room and you can come out again.

In what you probably weren't expecting last night, Missouri upset Memphis, and ruined your bracket. And mine. Whoopsie! Also, Villanova felled Duke. So if you didn't see that coming (I actually did) consider yourself paying your tournament pool money to "Jan", whose son set up her bracket for her because she doesn't know anything about basketball. The good news is that we still have more games coming later tonight and the greatest tournament in all of college sports (maybe all sports) isn't over yet. As I've said before, I love March Madness and it's really one of the only tournaments I care about. I'm currently in 47th place in our office pool, so now I just want to see some great games (and I'd love to see a mascot get tackled or pantsed). Who do you guys have winning the Big Dance this year?

And if you don't care about sports, don't worry. I promise we'll have a video of a cat up here pretty soon.

I've come to the conclusion that most people have no idea what to do when someone near you faints, especially when you are on live TV. However, a little more can be done than casually glancing at the person. I assume that she is ok, since this was posted to youtube by the news station that recorded this.

She kept answering the question on the way down!

I read a story today about a Guinness World Record that was broken in Brussels for the length of a line of people waiting to use a toilet. The line went 756 people deep. To me, this record seems breakable. I mean, have you ever seen the line for the woman's bathroom during the intermission of Guys and Dolls? Am I right or am I right?!

There's been a lot of talk at LNWJF, especially last week, about breaking world records and I think this is the one that anyone who has been looking to break an official record (like myself) should go for! Most World Records feel ridiculously out of reach, like the record for the longest shower being close to 5 consecutive days OR the most live rattlesnakes held in the mouth by their tails without any assistance is 10. It'll be tough, but with Twitter, facebook, email, text messaging, etc. getting a huge line for a bathroom seems doable.

I don't want to take anything away from what happened in Brussels as their record breaking line was organized by UNICEF, as part of World Water Day, to raise awareness for more pumps, wells, latrines and hygiene education for children in third world countries. A noble cause indeed. Breaking this record (or should I say, "bathroom breaking" --badaboom!) can further help to raise the same awareness. Also, none of the 756 people actually used the bathroom in Brussels, so there's that too.

A 15 year-old-boy from Lakeland Fl. was suspended from riding the school bus for three days because he was...farting up a storm. The bus driver, who wrote him up, claims that he was breaking wind at such a blasting rapid pace, that "it was hard to breathe." (Excuse me for a moment while I giggle uncontrollably...)

Ok, I'm back. The Polk County School officials --nope still giggling....

The Polk County School officials told a reporter from the AP that there is no rule against farting, (they told the reporter that there is no rule against farting!!) however, causing a disturbance is not allowed. Basically, you CAN fart on the bus but it can't smell and it better not be HILARIOUS.

Officials told the child that he got off easy, as a 13 year-old boy was recently arrested for blasting a few out during class.

If we're going to be arresting our children for farting, then we need to at least designate some time during the day where they don't have to be worried about going to jail if they have to let one fly. Like this, "Students, we'll be having fart time from 1:30 - 1:45 this afternoon."

(via Associated Press) --no pun intended.

A man was arrested this past weekend for trying steal his dream car from a dealership. Finally, someone going big for their dreams, even breaking the law! No holds barred, that's what I say. So what hot piece of auto did this man try to snatch? Well, the man "freely admitted" that his dream car was a red Nissan Altima with a push button ignition.

I feel like there's a "Get of My Dreams and Into My Car" joke somewhere in there. Or maybe a "Hey Dream Car! Get Out Of My Dreams, And Let Me Get Into You And Steal You From The Lot!" joke. I'm not much of a car guy so I'm not one to judge, but that is a very specific and sorta low end dream car. Maybe a good one for practical thievery, but for dreams - I would shoot a little higher. I happen to think Volkswagen Cabriolets are decent fun cars, but when shooting for dreams I at least say "Saab". And that's not even going that high.

March 23, 2009 is National Puppy Day! But seriously, it is.

"National Puppy Day is not only a day to celebrate the puppies in our lives, for how much joy, unconditional love and friendship they offer us, but to acknowledge the great need that many homeless puppies have for a loving and forever home and to educate the public about animal cruelty!"

When does a puppy officially become a dog?

Our pal* Justin Timberlake is releasing his own tequila, called 901. It is described as "the smoothest tequila possible," which took him two years to perfect. It will cost you $40 for a 750 milliliter bottle. Of course, we here at LNWJF advocate responsible drinking - especially a potion as powerful as 901. CAUTION! Here are some of the side effects of drinking too much 901:

• Your catchphrase will be "smoooooth moooove!" (Go for the high five.)


• Suddenly, you really want to rub Lubriderm all over yourself.


• Your new pickup line becomes "You know, this tequila took 2 years to perfect. Just like me. I was perfect at age 2."


• You attempt to perform the exact choreography from "Smooth Criminal."


• You try to convince everyone that you are the ghost writer for Smoove B.


• You keep asking the waitress to bring over a box. For your d*ck.


• You constantly ask your coworkers, "Where's my girlfriend Jessica Biel?"

*Jimmy's pal. My friends and family have informed me that brief eye contact does not constitute friendship.

The headline to this post sounds like an awful excuse during these difficult financial times, "I'm sorry, I can't pay. My dog ate my money." But this actually did happen to a family in Apex, NC. The 2 year old family dog, Augie, ate $400 in cash straight off of the bedroom bureau.

In what can be interpreted as a telling sign that our economy is in trouble, the family took the dog for a long walk in the hopes of making a "deposit" from his "withdrawals." --And by "withdrawals" I mean the dog's "poopy-poo," and by "deposit" I mean "digging through it." They were able to recover and successfully piece together close to $160 of the cash and would like for the government to exchange it for fresh non-dog-eaten clean bills. (I'd be cool with not having those bills back in circulation.)

Yesterday, the dog produced a fully intact $20 bill. The family thinks that more is coming and are "anxiously awaiting" it to slide on out. They should be taking advantage of this situation by charging admission to see The Magical Dog that "craps out money."

(via Fark)

Attention all fans of the SciFi Channel. On July 7th 2009, the SciFi Channel will no longer be known as the SciFi Channel. They're changing their name. Why are they doing this?! I don't like change. Well, I do, when it comes to elections and campaigns and a revamping of our energy policy, but not when it comes to the names of the channels that I watch. SciFi is perfect. A beautiful blend of the science and the fiction that is all over the network. How can they possibly improve on that name?

I can imagine it now, a large table full of SciFi geeks exploring possible new names with subtle shout outs and references thrown in from their favorite characters and films. Something like, The Grig Channel. Cool! That must be why they're doing this.

Wait, what's the new name? The Syfy Channel? The new name of the Scifi Channel is the Syfy Channel? That's not new. You just changed the I's to Y's. Speaking of I's and Y's --I am wondering WHY you are doing this. Heyoo!

In related news, The Fox network is thinking of changing its name to The Focks Network.

Update: It turns out that "sci-fi" can not be a uniquely ownable trademark, hence the name spelling change while still keeping the same pronunciation.

(via AICN)

This video is showing up everywhere now, but this weekend in NYC an audition for America's Next Top Model right here in New York got crizazy when someone yelled "There's a bomb!" I don't really like looking at videos of people fighting or stampeding (unless they are running with bulls), but I figured you should get plugged into today's news. Here you go:

There you go. CHIIIIIIILL aspiring models.

(via People)

This is the greatest story I've read all week. A man paralyzed by a motorcycle accident 21 years ago recently went to the hospital for a Brown Recluse spider bite and while he was there his STARTED TO REGAIN FEELING IN HIS LEGS! Five days later - BAM - he was walking. Doctors are calling this a miracle and rightfully so because, hey, it's pretty unbelievable and awesome. This is also a victory for all the Brown Recluse spiders out there. Way to clean up your flesh eating venom image by advancing something like this! Good job spiders!

And the story gets better.... The man is a former boxer and dancer, and his dream is to watch his two twin girls grow up so they can get married and he can WALK THEM DOWN THE AISLE. Oh man. I need a sec. No I'm not crying, I just have allergies, and was cutting onions and watching the ending of The Wrestler over and over all at the same time. That's what all this water on my face is. I'm cool.

(via Fark)

You can frame your "My Parents Went To The Sears Tower And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt With The Sears Tower On It" t-shirt because the Sears Tower will be RENAMED. It will soon be the Willis Tower. Which goes a lot better with Diff'rent Strokes jokes, so we can all breathe easier. 'Cause we've all got tons of those stocked up (Dear Lord, please say I'm not the only one).

The National Museum of American History has discovered a "secret" message engraved inside of a gold watch once owned by President Abraham Lincoln. (Sounds like the premise for an upcoming Nicolas Cage movie, but it's not. It's real.) The message warns the President of the start of the Civil War, reading in part, "Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels."

Obviously, I know there was no radio, TV, or internet back then but engraving into a watch doesn't seem like the most efficient way to get a message of such importance across. I think someone got fired:

Man: Did you get the message of impending war over to the President?

Young Man: Yes sir I did!

Man: Great. Did you write it down and ride it over to him on the horse?

Young Man: No. I had it engraved into a watch.

Man: You did what?

Young Man: I rode it over to the engraver this afternoon. It should be ready in 4 - 6 weeks.

Man: You're fired.

It is ALSO believed that another "secret" message warning the President of a potential assassination at the Ford's Theater was being constructed out of large rocks on a beach at the time of his shooting.

An agency in Sweden has denied a 19-year-old woman the right to change her name from Sofia to Sofia "Dark Knight." Sofia Englund, from a city near Stockholm, wants to make the name change because she loves the film and the actors, does not have a middle name, and thinks it would be "nice." If that were the basis to change your name I would have changed mine to Jon "Raising Arizona" a long time ago, am I right?!

According to the guidelines of the agency (apparently there's an agency that legally allows you to change your name) a name can be denied if it is offensive, a swear word, or describes genitalia. (That rules out Jon "Male Organ of Copulation" and Jon "Poopy Pants" for me.) HOWEVER, "name of film" is not on that list. So what gives? Someone on that review board must want that name for himself. I know it. I'm looking at you Kevin, soon to be Kevin "Dark Knight" of the Swedish Name Changing Review Board.

via Fark

Police confiscated $1.2 million in drugs from Phish fans at the band's recent reunion concert. That's a lotsa drugs! While I was not at the show, here are some conversations that I imagine happened between Phish fans and their arresting officers:

• "What these drugs? No, these drugs aren't drugs! They're undrugs! I'm sorry, I'm on drugs, I'm not speaking clearly about how these drugs aren't drugs! Druuuuugs."
• "I don't call these drugs, I call them 'babies'. So sure, you can confiscate my babies officer. Go ahead, CONFISCATE MY BABIES OFFICER!! YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?"
• "Do I look like I'm on drugs? I'm at Phish concert. So YES I look like I'm on drugs!!! Ok, yes, you can have these, Officer."
• "Hey man, hit thisssswhoooa - you're a cop. Up top. Hit this HAND. That's what I meant. This hand."
• "I am soooo stoned. I MEAN in the biblical sense. People keep throwing rocks at me."
• "These are not the drugs you're looking for." (Jedi hand wave motion)

Two groups of scientists have independently answered the age old philosophical question: "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Apparently, yes, the universe does exist while we are not observing it.

The way they figured this out would confuse even a sophisticated nerd, but if you're interested in how they proved it, it has something to do with polarising photons and something called quantic entanglement. Sounds just like the dating scene, am I right ladies? Don't eeeven get me started! Also, I looked up "tree falling in the forest" and this is what came up:

That's so deep, man.

(via Kottke)

In totally bizarre news, an arsonist in Medford, Oregon has been setting fire to one very specific object: 1990's green Ford Escorts. What does this guy (or girl) have against green Ford Escorts from the 90's? The police aren't sure, but I think I've got a few ideas:

• There can only be one 90's green Ford Escort in Medford, Oregon. All others must be eliminated.
• Green Ford Escorts built in the 90's make especially good kindling for a bonfire!
• Her ex-boyfriend drives a green Ford Escort - but she's not sure which one, so to be safe, she's going to burn them all down. (I think Carrie Underwood is currently writing a song about this!)
• A green Ford Escort killed his dad (in the 90's)
• This guy is acting out because a certain person has recently gone off the air temporarily while he moves across the country...

More...

The joke is already a little bit old by using it in the title, but ok, I'll do some more...

Its Nashionul Grammer Day today. A day desegnated too speeking corect like, righting stuff good, spelling things and of corse using proper grammer. This isn't funny anymore, I'll stop.

But it really is National Grammar Day today. And you should never start a sentence with but. Or and. And or.

National Grammar Day is March 4th!

Do you notice anything special about today's date? Take a look. No? Nothing? Look again. 3-3-09. Ok, you're not a nerd like me. (Or maybe you are.) But for those of you who don't know, it's Square Root Day! That's right. It's a rare holiday that occurs when the day and the month are both the square root of the last two digits of the current year. Wait, what? Ok, I got it. This "holiday" only happens 9 times every century OR once every 11.111111 years! I'm so "mathy" today. When is the next one? I think it's April 4, 2016. I cannot wait.

Here are a few ways to celebrate Square Root Day:

• Listen to Huey Lewis and the News's "Hip to Be Square" while drinking a root beer.
• Watch The Roots on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (and dress like a nerd).
• Do some math with an abacus.

How are you celebrating? Oh, you're not?

A young woman, a teenager in fact, was recently fired from her job because of her facebook status. Oh no. I knew this would happen. What terribly cruel thing must she have written that when it reached her boss, who when he saw the status, found it necessary to fire her? I know that perhaps I've been guilty of using bad judgment in the past with my status updates, that if seen by my "higher-ups" could have potentially got me in a lot trouble. But knowing now what this Kim Swann actually wrote in her status, I can see why she was fired, and why I never have been.

I will reveal to you what she wrote but I must warn you, if you are at work, please look over your shoulder and make sure your boss is not behind you because if your boss even sees you reading this kind of status update, you might be out on the streets too. Also, if there are any children in the room, or if you yourself are under 18 PLEASE do not read the status or allow any children near your computer screen. Ok, now, here it comes...NSFW...here is what she wrote, "Kim Swann is...." (sorry guys, I don't know if I can do this, what if I get fired?) Ok, ok, when I agreed to take this job, I said I would be edgy, so here goes, here is what she wrote......"Kim Swann is bored at work."

Oh my gosh, no way, I can't believe I just typed that. It's a good thing that her boss was looking at the facebook profiles of his employees, to make sure that his staff was not telling anyone that they were b*red.

If you're b*red at work, I've come up with a few alternative facebook statuses for you to use so that your boss will not fire you while he is checking out your facebook page. We're speaking in code here:

Jon Friedman is bored at work, NOT!
Jon Friedman (brought his skate)bored at work.
Jon Friedman got a new bulletinBOARD at work.
Jon Friedman is on the board at work.
Jon Friedman has a boar at work. (a stuffed animal pig doll)

If you have more, let's hear them!

Editor's Note: This week we're doing a "soft launch" of the blog in preparation for the premiere of the show and total site relaunch on March 2! We'll be bringing you the best stuff that's on the web, original comedy, and super inside updatey stuff about the show. If you have ideas and feedback, leave a comment or e-mail us at latenightblog@nbc.com.
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So this picture showed up today on my MimeHunter iPhone app (best 99 cents you will ever spend). Seems like a normal mime, right? But once I checked Lexis Mimexis, I realized this is no ordinary mime.

This is Michael KocĂ¡b, Czech Repulic Minister for Human Rights and Minorities, AND Czech longtime Electro-rocker! Please visit his MySpace page. HE MAKES MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE CROW SOUNDTRACK...AND HE'S IN OFFICE! US Senators need to step up their game. I lobby for Ted Kennedy to carry glow sticks at all times from now on.

Editor's Note: This week we're doing a "soft launch" of the blog in preparation for the premiere of the show and total site relaunch on March 2! We'll be bringing you the best stuff that's on the web, original comedy, and super inside updatey stuff about the show. If you have ideas and feedback, we're all ears!

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Not since Barnes & Barnes' "Fish Heads" has a fishes head been so talked about. This one is making the rounds today because its head is SEE THROUGH. You can see inside.

Taking into consideration that the entire head is transparent --Can he be any more adorable?

Editor's Note: This week we're doing a "soft launch" of the blog in preparation for the premiere of the show and total site relaunch on March 2! We'll be bringing you the best stuff that's on the web, original comedy, and super inside updatey stuff about the show. If you have ideas and feedback, we're all ears!

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It's official! Spider-Man is coming to Broadway in 2010 with his very own musical, officially titled, "Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark." It will be staged by the Lion King's Julie Taymor and has a budget exceeding 30 million dollars.

In anticipation of seeing Peter Parker/Spider-Man leaping and dancing across the stage, I came up with a list of potential song titles for the musical (in chronological order of the Spider-Man story):

• "Nerdy and Shy, How I Cry"
• "My Camera is My Only Friend" (ballad)
• "Dancin' In My Room with Mary Jane" (fantasy)
• "Bitten by a Spider, Oh my, Oh no!"
• "Radioactive-Active"
• "Shootin' Out Some Sticky Stuff"
• "I've Lost My Uncle Ben (Not the One from the Rice)"
• "Makin' a Suit That's Red, Blue & Yahoo! (Shoulda Cut a Hole for the Mouth)"
• "Attention All Criminals, I'm Gonna Get Ya, Tonight!"
• "With Real Power Comes Real Fabulousness!"

Do you have any? Lets see them.

Editor's Note: This week we're doing a "soft launch" of the blog in preparation for the premiere of the show and total site relaunch on March 2! We'll be bringing you the best stuff that's on the web, original comedy, and super inside updatey stuff about the show. If you have ideas and feedback, we're all ears!

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I know we don't know each other that well yet but we here at LNWJF do not condone stealing of any kind (we encourage the opposite, like donating to charity). However, I enjoyed reading this actual headline last night, "Street Signs for Mullet Place Keep Disappearing." Apparently people in a small neighborhood in Green Bay, Wisconsin have been stealing the Mullet Place street signs as fast as they can put them up --making it much more difficult for the residents of this amazing street to give directions to their homes.

My favorite part of the story is a quote from the local Public Works Department, saying, "My only guess is that people are still in love with the '70s and '80s when the mullet haircut was prominent. I don't know."

The city is attempting to fight the loss of more Mullet Place signs by mounting them 20 feet off the ground. Might I suggest making Mullet Place signs by the hundreds, sell them locally and put the money back into the community. You can have a Mullet Place block party/carnival day and prizes for the town's best mullet and so on.

Speaking of the mullet, let's take a look at some of OUR FAVORITE MULLETS:

More fabulous, favorite mullets after the jump...

More...

Over the weekend Yahoo! News reported a story about a notorious Greek prisoner that escaped from a maximum security prison in Athens via helicopter, in a "Hollywood-style getaway." I can envision how a big budget action movie would play this scene out, as he flies off leaving behind the baffled, rattled prison guards. However, this is NOT THE FIRST TIME this man escaped from this jail using their helicopter. Twice, he was able to get into a helicopter and fly away from his jail. Two times he did this.

Here is a list of suggestions for the jail to help make sure that this will never happen again:

1. Don't leave the helicopter keys in the ignition.

2. Lock the helicopter doors. (double check)

3. Put a guard near the helicopter.

4. Observe the helicopter from a tower.

5. Listen for helicopter propellers starting up, especially during unscheduled helicopter usage times.

6. Put a sign on the helicopter that says, "Not for prisoners."

7. Stop giving the prisoners helicopter lessons.

8. When the helicopter is at the jail, keep an extra eye on the man WHO ALREADY STOLE IT.

9. Do not land the helicopter inside the prison grounds anymore. (you can walk)

10. Get rid of the helicopter.

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Editor's Note: This week we're doing a "soft launch" of the blog in preparation for the premiere of the show and total site relaunch on March 2! We'll be bringing you the best stuff that's on the web, original comedy, and super inside updatey stuff about the show. If you have ideas and feedback, we're all ears!

The celebrities are coming! Everybody look busy! The news is out: we've booked guests for the first week, and they're awesome.

The first guest ever on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon will be an actor who's been in a few films - maybe you've heard of him...

More...

Don't miss Jimmy on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, TONIGHT at 12:35/11:35c on NBC!

UPDATE: Did you miss Jimmy on Conan? Watch now!

Earlier this week, Jimmy Fallon, who is preparing for the launch of his new late night talk show, went on a rant when a crew member approached him on the set. And it was all caught on audiotape.

Before the big game, Jimmy dropped by the "NBC Super Suite" to chat with Al Roker.

Don't miss Jimmy on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, TONIGHT at 11:35/10:35c on NBC! And be sure to check out Jimmy's video blog tonight at 12:35/11:35c to find out what happened behind the scenes!

Here's a picture from Jimmy's last Tonight Show appearance on May 18, 2007: