Totse

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Wow! Now I can be a more efficient douche-bag in school! Thanks Totse!
Wow! Now I can be a more efficient douche-bag in school! Thanks Totse!
A picture of hated moderator Metaphysicist in his underwear and a tie-dye cape that user 13579 found. After posting, 13579 was promptly banhammered, even though he broke no rules.
A picture of hated moderator Metaphysicist in his underwear and a tie-dye cape that user 13579 found. After posting, 13579 was promptly banhammered, even though he broke no rules.
This acolyte does not know the awesome power of Raid!
This acolyte does not know the awesome power of Raid!

Totse (AKA TOTSE or &T), or Temple Of The Screaming Electron, was a throwback to old-school BBS days when being a hacker was about information, instead of being some sort of generic fashion statement. The main focus of Totse was the Community Bulletin Board, followed by the Text Files section which had articles that appealed mostly to rebellious 13 year old boys who wanted to get revenge on their Nazi parents or wanted to plan the next Columbine. On the site you'd find information related to computer security, discussion of politics, even some stuff about religion. Of course, 90% of the articles consisted of:

  1. Poorly written "instructions" on how to make bombs that will in all likelihood get you killed or arrested without doing any actual damage
  2. Pornography and other spam
  3. HAI TO YOU!
  4. Endless outdated phone "hacking" techniques
  5. How to get high off Raid and many other household items
  6. The 100th revision of the The Anarchist Cookbook text file

However, Totse wasn't all about text-files, there was a fairly large forum with over 9000 registered users, most of which were spam accounts & sock puppets used to harass the oppressive moderators. Totse even had it's own flag and national anthem because we all know Totse was serious business. Totse was created by Jeffray Hunter who did not really run the site at all, instead he showed up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess.

Totse used to be the original source of lulz before websites like 4chan came into existence. Since then, some chanfags tried to overrun Totse with their forced memes, however Totse is safe from the cancer by no longer existing. Totse thrived on its own set of memes, articles, lulz, trolls, etc. It still has its own IRC channel at Slashnet by the name of #totse, where newfags can try and suck dick for getting inside.

Moderators of Totse included Zok, Metaphysicist (who later on became a supermod) and Euda (demodded for not kissing Meta's ass), every other moderator was just a sock puppet of these three.

Contents

Orientation Video

An accurate video regarding Totse and it's faggotry.

In the words of Snoopy, "Someone needs to have their diaper changed..."
In the words of Snoopy, "Someone needs to have their diaper changed..."

Totse Forums (Extinct)

Typical forum argument
Typical forum argument

Spurious Generalities

What used to be a gathering ground for emotionally damaged ethical hackers, SG over the years had become a massive chatroom for morons to bitch excessively about how much they hated the moderators for locking their retarded topics, and other typical teenage problems. If that wasn't bad enough, fail had received an upgrade thanks to SG being overrun by the same Cancer That Is Killing /b/. Spurious was to be avoided at all costs, unless you actually wanted to reverse the effects of puberty. Breeding point of MR HAI.

Better Living Through Chemistry

This was your typical drug forum, consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they could find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this forum was that it was the recruiting grounds for most of the Totse moderators. The job description for moderators on Totse required them to take more pills and illicit substances than ripper to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of teenage lunacy that Totse's userbase dealt out.

People in BLTC had also been known to think Windows Movie Maker would produce high quality videos.

Sex and Affection

Typical Totsean.
Typical Totsean.
LOL DONGS
LOL DONGS
Still typical.
Still typical.

This forum had little to do with any real sex and even less about affection. Almost all of the users were angsty teens that had no real experience except technically losing their virginity by having cybersex. One highly delusional mod of this forum, named Jackketch, fashioned himself to be God's gift to women and was generally hated by the masses. Like any forum on the Internet about sex there was the common dumbass questions like:

 
 
Ahh, irony at it's best. See, normally in real life someone would defend themselves when accused of fucking a toaster, but here on Totse, we have people who try and defend themselves by saying they actually did fuck a toaster.
 

 

—colorsoc

A very common and very touchy subject among the massive angsty teenage male population, was the whole self-proclaimed "Nice Guys" misogynistic rant about how apparently all women are whores because they don't want to be near whiny repulsive stalkers. Fact: Most, if not all, of Totse users were virgins and had no lives.

You want a woman? Get off the computer and spend more time outside.

Bad Ideas

This forum was the reason why most people joined Totse. It was filled to the brim with people talking about things that could get them put in jail for a very long time, openly and freely, thinking that using the term SWIM (Someone Who Isn't Me) would protect them from prosecution.

Weapons and Combat

Rednecks and niggers whining that politicians are Nazis because they won't let them own armor-piercing, high explosive, depleted-uranium, 120mm, 600 round per minute machine guns, with a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher. The other half of the members were wapanese fucks who watched Kill Bill one too many times, bought shitty $50 samurai swords, and preached this bullshit rhetoric that they had some kind of honor and could deflect bullets. This section was very popular with Internet Tough Guys.

Backyard Ballistics

Also known as the "bomb making forum", backyard ballistics was where wannabe terrorists and pyros learned how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter to dipping your genitals in nitric acid. To become popular here, your best shot would have been to post topics about the informative knowledge of the "The Anarchist Cookbook" that you learned from bombshock.

Saying bomb here apparently resulted in a IRL B&

Moving Pictures

There were only four types of topics here:

  • Pulp Fiction quotes
  • Donnie Darko discussion
  • Fight Club discussion
  • Dead Nigger Storage

Half Baked

It is also a known fact that goatse was in fact a spin-off off Totse's name.
It is also a known fact that goatse was in fact a spin-off off Totse's name.

Half Baked was Spurious Generality's intelligent yet retarded brother. It consisted of a small community made up of MILFs, niggers, emos, women, Albinos, gay people, and some respectable posters. You would have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it, i.e. until you contracted violent retardation. Half Baked was the pain in Totse's ass. HB'ers were responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of Totse's trolls were HB'ers. Sadly, the users in this forum were lonely loser virgins who wouldn't know how to bang a woman if she fell on to their dicks.

 
 
The combined brainpower of the forum would probably allow for a runt sparrow to spiral slowly to it's ominous death, desperately flapping one viable wing.
 

 

—DaGuru

Bitch And Moan

This was the parasitic twin of half baked, that just happened to have AIDS.

Forum Functions

The Totse forums used to run on a 75 year old BBS scripted in notepad that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looks like Windows™ 3.1. Since it was so old, many users abused one of the millions of loopholes which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as goatse's anus. Another drawback, was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many were known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, on the 4th of April 2007, the old BBS was replaced with a shiny new, but homosexual vBulletin system, in a massive revolution of clusterfuck.

Rep System

Pretty much the summary of the whole rep system.
Pretty much the summary of the whole rep system.

A short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their e-penises to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in e-Bukkake. Thankfully, the user known as Harold failed to get the mods and admins to reinstate the Rep System. Harold failed at his protest and life itself. There were changes to the board shortly after, including buddy lists and the tagging of threads. It was speculated that Jeff would rename Totse to the Facetemple.

Flood Control and 5char

This is an E-Diagnosis telling you that you have ADD.
This is an E-Diagnosis telling you that you have ADD.

Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat porn and making worthless posts to inflate their e-penis (post count in this case), so he decided to implement an essential device called Flood Control. Basically, whenever some asshole decided to post a topic immediately after another, it stops them from posting for 63 seconds. The only problem was that a large chunk of Totse members could not grasp the oh-so-simple concept that a BBS is not a fucking instant messenger. People, still to this day, bitch about how 63 seconds was just too long to wait. But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the teenage mind. Since it's placement, flood control kept Totse from spiraling into complete faggotry. It should also be noted that both New Orleans and Atlantis could have benefited from flood control.

One other side effect of the new vBulletin software was that no post could contain less then five characters, preventing the old +1 (to post count) posts and threads. This was done in an effort to get people to actually say something, but it was soon figured out that simple bit of ASCII trickery would get around 5char by making blank spaces.

Memes

You know you want to...
You know you want to...

Over the years the Totse forums had several main memes before being completely overrun by the INTERNET HATE MACHINE. These included:

  • Huff Raid: Quite possibly Totse's biggest meme due to the fact that it was a part of a fairly lulzy forum event. Sometime in 2002 or 2003, a kid went in "Better Living Through Chemistry" and asked the typical "How do I get high off of household materials?". It is said that member "pennylane," as a joke, told the kid to huff Raid bug spray. Surprisingly, the gullible moron fell for it and said he would try it. A day or so later, the kid's account made a post that was titled from his mother, claiming that he was in the hospital. The forum members told her how stupid she was, to get back to the kitchen, and other insults to which she replied "I will get all of your IP's and you are all going to JAIL for this." It is not sure what ever happened or if it was just trolling, but the story lived on to become a meme on the forums.
  • Murder/Suicide: Totse members usually hemmoraged angst on a daily basis, causing them to post long boring emo rants that lacked spelling or maturity. Murder/Suicide became the most appropriate answer to any of these posts, forcing the guy shut up or become an hero. Very similar to the TITS OR GTFO maneuver.
  • Molotov Everything: Another response to solve one's problems.
  • SCREEAAAAAAW: Some buttfucker once made a thread about what it would be like to ride around on pterodactyls instead of cars, and this is what Totse had to say.
  • Dome: Spawned when a retard came to Totse for advice on how to get head, but instead referred to it as dome.
  • My Uncle gave me herpes: The origins of this meme have been lost to time.
  • Jenkem: The guy you see making/huffing Jenkem in all those pictures? A Totsean named Pickwick.
  • You're a hardcore faggot: The go-to response when you angered Half Baked.

Totse's Shenanigans

Forum Warfare

Totse army invades times square.
Totse army invades times square.
Totse knows nothing about Ebaums, but they hate it either way.
Totse knows nothing about Ebaums, but they hate it either way.

In the days before the existence of YTMND & 4chan, Totse was on their own. Their shitty software was prone to attacks such as the SPF raid. The Totse basement-dwelling elite found a solution to their problems: TOTSE ARMY. The Totse army was a group of hackers and skript kiddies who would stand up against Totse's enemies, executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically an early form of internet military. The first targets in their career were the long time rivals at bombshock after some idiot from there came to Totse with the sole intent of trolling the shit out of the place. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on drawball, however, they were all too goddamn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in two crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the Koreans.

However, the long gone army may be coming back (Probably not, since the site is gone.)

When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza". After the army finished raping and goatseing the shit out of the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened legal action. For the first time in at least 100 years Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the fuck off. He then pulled out his massive cock shaped banhammer and sodomized the Totse army, who moved on to drawball.

Media Controversy

The media often did specials on Totse, due to the fact that any searches like "How to make a bomb with household items" and "How do I lose my virginity to my sister?" turned up Totse as the first and most relevant search. At one point, the Canadian media blamed Totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. Then, the Canucks's cited that Totse turned 17 ordinary white Canadian citizens in Ontario into full blown Muslim extremists.

Australian media also blamed Totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and featured an image of a Totse user on their "National Security Information Campaign" poster. PROTIP: Look closely at the outdoor PDF.

Friday 27th October 2006, a Totse member hacked a parking lot sign in a perfect example of shameless self promotion, causing lulz among morning drivers. [1] [2]

PARKING LOT'S CLOSED.
PARKING LOT'S CLOSED.

November 2nd, 2007, Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulated a memo about a new drug, Jenkem. Local news got a hold of this lolcow and showed just how stupid old media really is. The video includes pictures of Pickwick and his wonderful creation with 'Totse' clearly visible on the container. Story Here.

TsuN00bie Summer '08

User Walrus's sister whoring for an account.
User Walrus's sister whoring for an account.

On July 4th, registration for the forums opened after a year of being closed, creating a wave of new users wanting bomb instructions and how to inject Jenkem or smoke nutmeg.

November Flush

On November 2nd, 2008 someone got ahold of one of Jeff Hunter's old admin accounts and proceeded to have a little fun with the forums. Half Baked was his first target, removing the two mods and replacing them with people who hated HB. Then, as if it couldn't get any dumber after that, a random user from the board was put in charge for about two seconds before he deleted fucking everything. It came back, but thousands of people had lost posts from their postcount.

Some say there was also a literature forum and a military forum deleted, but its absence was not felt.

She's Gone U Gaiz

Jeff bids Adieu
Jeff bids Adieu

The coming of Pastor Sehmish[3] heralded the death of Totse. Like Noah, the Pastor tried to save Totse but none would repent, so God's wrath came upon the forum and it's members like it did in Sodom and Gomorrah and on January 17th, 2009, Totse was shut down. The majority of previous members left to the shit hole known by the faggots who occupy it as Zoklet.net forums '[4]', where the Pastor continues to spread the gospel and seek support. The ones who weren't faggots and had an IQ higher than that of a fetus claimed the cocklet owning site Totse2.net '[5]'as their own.







Gallery

Totse's Gallery

Totse Comics

Totse has it's own comic series made by Jeff Huntard himself.

Totse Christmas Card

Totse's Half Baked members made a Christmas Card and the user PlentyofTorrents.com made the card into a soundboard, adding requested sounds to each members username. HB Christmas Card

Famous Totse Members

See Also

External Links


WTF Totse is part of a series on acronyms.


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