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DADDY LANGE?
The Howard Stern Show for May 21, 2008

SAL COMMENTS ON RACE

Howard started off the show playing a few clips from “The Greg Fitzsimmons Show” of Greg discussing the Killers of Comedy's appearance at the Westbury Music Festival. In the clips, Greg made fun of Artie's ugly bodyguards and said he thought Sal's act was kind of racist. Howard asked Artie to explain Sal's act, and Artie pretty much agreed with Greg assessment. Sal came in to defend himself, saying his jokes weren't so much racist as they were comments on race.

MEET ARTIE'S BODYGUARDS

Howard was curious about Artie's bodyguards, so the fat man explained that one of his bodyguards is a professional wrestler known as “The Outpatient,” and the other is a scary-large cop. Artie laughed that – like Britney Spears' bodyguards - they were scary enough to diffuse any fan-swarm situations just by being there. Artie added that the cop seemed so eager to kick ass in the name of the Lange camp, it was almost an added risk having him around.

Later, J.C., the wrestling bodyguard, called in to tell a story about getting oral after one of Artie’s gigs by a fan who mistook him for Artie. After looking at a picture of J.C., Howard said he could see how a woman might make that mistake in the dark. J.C. explained that he was just a little larger than Artie (6'4”/350lbs) - and got in so many fights as a teenager, his parents abandoned him: “I came home one day and they were gone.”

ERIC THE MIDGET IS GULLIBLE

Eric the Midget called in to discuss last night's “American Idol” episode, but Howard was more interested in how quickly Eric's eyebrows grew back (Eric recently shaved them off during an overzealous man-grooming session). Howard played a clip of Eric having phone sex with someone who claimed to be Carrie Underwood and laughed that Eric was way too gullible. Eric insisted that he wasn't gullible, so Artie joked that Eric must think gullible meant tall.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO MEET BON JOVI?

Howard talked with a girl who claimed she'd do anything to meet Bon Jovi, but she really wouldn't do that much. Just to get an idea of how badly she wanted to meet the rockers, Howard read off a list of completely
outrageous things she could do. She nixed living with a bear for a week, letting a cockroach crawl into her vagina, allowing bees to sting her labia, eating her own aborted offspring,
raising a hamster in her vagina and licking whipped cream out of Artie’s ass (she said she might as long as he got tested first) - but she claimed she would gargle cat urine, lick a tiger's asshole, taste test the staff's sperm and eat a human being's leg.

Howard decided that he would arrange for her to come to New York and meet Jon Bon Jovi if she'd go down to Ground Zero topless and hold up a sign that said “I Love Al Qaeda” - and she agreed! Howard continued to try and press the
abortion stunt, but the girl resisted, particularly if she was the mother of the aborted fetus in question: “I don't think anyone would do that...that doesn't even make sense.” (Which was the point of the entire phone call.)

JESSE THE BODY SOUNDS OFF

Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura called in to discuss his new book, “Don't Start the Revolution Without Me,” and said he now lived in Mexico half the year – in a fully solar-powered home - because he's grown sick of Minnesota's long winters. Howard asked if Jesse was a wealthy man, but Jesse evaded the question, saying he's well off enough to ignore the prices on restaurant menus.

Howard commended Jesse for opposing the war in Iraq from the very beginning, so Jesse explained that, as a Vietnam veteran, he had a hard time backing the invasion of a sovereign nation. Howard asked if Jesse ever killed a man in Vietnam, but Jesse rebuffed the faux pas: “You don't talk about that, Howard.” Jesse continued to cite great dissenters in history, like Jefferson (and the Dixie Chicks), but quickly drew the staff's criticism for backing some of the September 11th conspiracy theories.

LOOK AT YOU OVER HERE JUST BEING PRETTY

Howard played clips of Gary Coleman and his wife on “Divorce Court” and remarked that their problems seemed normal – but not surmountable: “I don't know why people stay in these marriages.” Artie told a story about working with Gary and seeing him hit on every chick in sight with the same line: “Look at you over here just being pretty.” JD then came in to note that Gary met his wife by using that exact line, so Howard laughed that any line will work eventually.

HOWARD SEEKS JUSTICE

Howard played a clip of the crew playing “Are You Smarter than a Seventh Grader?” way back in the Channel 9 days and said he was trying to put Fox's thievery behind him, but it had really worked its way under his skin. Howard promised everyone in the studio a million dollars if he won a court case against the show's producers, so Artie immediately signed on as a supporter. Howard said he was sent over the edge when his own father came to him and said he enjoyed the Fox show.

HIGH PITCH MIKE POKES THE BEAST

Steve Langford reported that High Pitch Mike has promised to ride the Sybian if Obama becomes President, so Artie wondered if Mike had issues with black people. Jason came in to say he had tape of Mike being racist, and Mike followed him in to defend himself, explaining that he told Jason there weren't any black politicians currently qualified to run this country. Steve and Jason continued to make claims about Mike's “racist” statements, but couldn't present any evidence, so Howard decided that Jason and Steve were clearly misrepresenting Mike's feelings.

While he was in the studio, Mike took issue with being a punchline in Artie's act, saying Artie wouldn't like it if he tried to profit off a t-shirt that said “I f’ed Artie's sister.” Artie replied, “Dude, you haven't f’ed anything but a cat and a guy.” Mike shot back that he still didn't want to be discussed in Artie's act, but Artie claimed he was entitled to: “Dr. Ablow said I could.” Howard then cut in and ended the disagreement, in an effort to keep Artie from getting angry: “You get into attack mode...You're very volatile. I've gotta keep you calm.”

ARTIE WANTS A BABY

Artie noted that he's been thinking about having a kid lately, and though he'd probably have to spend a lot time with his child, “The mother will be doing some shit with it too.” Howard thought Artie was crazy, but Robin came to his defense: “A lot of times, this is what a man who's a risk-taker needs: a wife and a family.” Howard couldn't imagine Artie settled down with a family: “You're not that kind of guy. You have a lot going on...You have friends. Like that dirty cop. You know what would prove to me that you're a good father? Take High Pitch Mike home with you.”

IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN'S NEWS

Shania Twain is divorcing Mutt Lange.

R. Kelly's trial is underway.

• A soldier in Iraq used a Quran for target practice.

Nick Hogan is not enjoying jail.

Spike Lee makes inane arguments.

Angelina Jolie has a new movie.

Willie Randolph is accusing his critics of racism.

Vito Fossella's wife claims she had no clue about her husband's secret life.

Hillary Clinton is still holding out.

The Davids faced off on last night's “American Idol.”

Kristi Yamaguchi won “Dancing with the Stars.”

Contributions by: Michael Dempster & Jason Kaplan
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Artie laughed that his housekeeper prays for him every day (which might explain why he is still alive).

Howard played the latest Bleeding Deacons song parody.

Steve Langford reported that he's suspicious of Richard Christy's refusal to reveal any details about his recent trip to Atlantic City.

Howard noted that there's a whole website tracking HowardTV's “Bowling with the Beauties” series.

The gang listened to a clip of Buddy Rich screaming at his band.

Howard reported that Jodie Foster cheated on her longtime lover.

Jesse Ventura said he loved Paul Giamatti's performance in HBO's “John Adams.”

Howard played a clip of the ancient Senator Robert Byrd's insanely slowed-down speech pattern.

Howard said he was upset about Ted Kennedy's brain tumor, as it's one of his favorite impressions to do, and despite what people might think, he's a big fan of the Senators.

Howard asked Artie to rate the actual comics who perform with the Killers of Comedy, and, after noting that they're all very talented, Artie counted them down: “Fitzsimmons, Levy, Shuli and then Sal.”
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