ARTIE MAKES SKETCH SHOW HISTORY
Artie announced that he may have made sketch television history Saturday night by appearing in both the season finale of SNL and the series finale of Mad TV. Artie said the SNL appearance happened spontaneously after Marci Klein (“Calvin Klein's insanely sexy daughter" and a producer on SNL) saw him hanging with Norm MacDonald backstage and demanded he appear on stage with Norm during the season's final sketch.
On stage during the traditional SNL "goodbye" segment, Lorne Michaels shook Artie's hand. Artie apologized for rushing the show but Lorne brushed it off, saying it was alright. Later, Artie borrowed Craig Gass' girlfriend’s cellphone to call his 25-year-old lady friend: "Gass was like, 'Are you gonna give this back?'" Artie said he actually had to stay at the party until 5:30am because he couldn't find Craig: "We ended up leaving the party at 5:30 and getting home at 6 and grabbing breakfast. It was like the old days but sober." Later, Craig Gass called in to tell Howard how strange it was to have Artie ask to borrow the phone – but confirmed that he had only called the one number.
TIM SABEAN IS A FLUFFER
Howard repeated that he was considering retirement when he'd fulfilled his contract with Sirius. Gary didn't think Howard would be fine doing nothing, leading Howard to laugh that he'd be more comfortable than Tim - who's recently taken up bizarre time-filling habits like straightening the pictures in the hallway and fluffing the pillows on the couch in the studio.
Later, after a caller suggested that Howard just do a show a couple nights a week, Howard buckled: "Who knows what's going to happen. They might offer me something like that and that sounds kind of interesting. Who knows where we'll be at."
HOWARD MAY HAVE BEDDED A FEW GUESTS
Artie asked how many guests on the show Howard had bedded during his single days and Howard guessed the number to be a handful. Gary said he only knew of a few: "I’ve got three in my head. And one of them you don't even know that I know." Howard said there were a couple he never got around to nailing: "Either they didn't like me in that way or..." Howard added that he now had a great wife. Gary agreed, "You love her." This led Robin to ask why Gary was acting like he was in their marriage, so Gary explained that he kind of was: "If Howard is unhappy, we're all unhappy."
SOMEBODY GET JESSE A WATERBOARD
Former Governor of Minnesota and professional wrestler, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, stopped by to promote his new book, "Don't Start the Revolution Without Me," and explained his position on torture: "Once you're torturing 'em, they're gonna tell you what you want to hear. Some of these guys we waterboarded 180 times...not only that, we should be above that. If we stoop to their level, we're no better than they are...I told Larry King, if you give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney and one hour, I'll have him confessing to the Sharon Tate murders."
Jesse claimed he'd been a paragon of fiscal responsibility while he was in office, paying for every meal eaten at the governor’s mansion out of his own paycheck - and never charging the state for a travel mile. Howard asked about the time Jesse served as a Navy Seal in the Philippines, so Jesse laughed: "Within a mile of the base, there were 350 bars and 10,000 girls every night...prostitution should be legal. [And] Seals do not pay. Even in the Philippines. It's an unwritten law...the regular Navy pays. The Marines pay. The Seals don't pay."
THE BODY SLAMS THE HULK
Howard noted that Hulk Hogan had disputed Jesse's account of his attempt to unionize the WWF wrestlers, leading Jesse to strike back: "[Hulk] was accused of sexual assault in Minnesota...it was in the 90’s I think. Right before I was Governor...I knew she was telling the truth. You know why? She said there was this guy with a massive body and a tiny penis...so I believed her." Jesse added that Hogan's penis was a "baby penis."