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THE BODY ON THE HULK
The Howard Stern Show for May 19, 2009

ARTIE MAKES SKETCH SHOW HISTORY

Artie announced that he may have made sketch television history Saturday night by appearing in both the season finale of SNL and the series finale of Mad TV. Artie said the SNL appearance happened spontaneously after Marci Klein (“Calvin Klein's insanely sexy daughter" and a producer on SNL) saw him hanging with Norm MacDonald backstage and demanded he appear on stage with Norm during the season's final sketch.
On stage during the traditional SNL "goodbye" segment, Lorne Michaels shook Artie's hand. Artie apologized for rushing the show but Lorne brushed it off, saying it was alright. Later, Artie borrowed Craig Gass' girlfriend’s cellphone to call his 25-year-old lady friend: "Gass was like, 'Are you gonna give this back?'" Artie said he actually had to stay at the party until 5:30am because he couldn't find Craig: "We ended up leaving the party at 5:30 and getting home at 6 and grabbing breakfast. It was like the old days but sober." Later, Craig Gass called in to tell Howard how strange it was to have Artie ask to borrow the phone – but confirmed that he had only called the one number.

TIM SABEAN IS A FLUFFER

Howard repeated that he was considering retirement when he'd fulfilled his contract with Sirius. Gary didn't think Howard would be fine doing nothing, leading Howard to laugh that he'd be more comfortable than Tim - who's recently taken up bizarre time-filling habits like straightening the pictures in the hallway and fluffing the pillows on the couch in the studio.
Later, after a caller suggested that Howard just do a show a couple nights a week, Howard buckled: "Who knows what's going to happen. They might offer me something like that and that sounds kind of interesting. Who knows where we'll be at."

HOWARD MAY HAVE BEDDED A FEW GUESTS

Artie asked how many guests on the show Howard had bedded during his single days and Howard guessed the number to be a handful. Gary said he only knew of a few: "I’ve got three in my head. And one of them you don't even know that I know." Howard said there were a couple he never got around to nailing: "Either they didn't like me in that way or..." Howard added that he now had a great wife. Gary agreed, "You love her." This led Robin to ask why Gary was acting like he was in their marriage, so Gary explained that he kind of was: "If Howard is unhappy, we're all unhappy."

SOMEBODY GET JESSE A WATERBOARD

Former Governor of Minnesota and professional wrestler, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, stopped by to promote his new book, "Don't Start the Revolution Without Me," and explained his position on torture: "Once you're torturing 'em, they're gonna tell you what you want to hear. Some of these guys we waterboarded 180 times...not only that, we should be above that. If we stoop to their level, we're no better than they are...I told Larry King, if you give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney and one hour, I'll have him confessing to the Sharon Tate murders."
Jesse claimed he'd been a paragon of fiscal responsibility while he was in office, paying for every meal eaten at the governor’s mansion out of his own paycheck - and never charging the state for a travel mile. Howard asked about the time Jesse served as a Navy Seal in the Philippines, so Jesse laughed: "Within a mile of the base, there were 350 bars and 10,000 girls every night...prostitution should be legal. [And] Seals do not pay. Even in the Philippines. It's an unwritten law...the regular Navy pays. The Marines pay. The Seals don't pay."

THE BODY SLAMS THE HULK

Howard noted that Hulk Hogan had disputed Jesse's account of his attempt to unionize the WWF wrestlers, leading Jesse to strike back: "[Hulk] was accused of sexual assault in Minnesota...it was in the 90’s I think. Right before I was Governor...I knew she was telling the truth. You know why? She said there was this guy with a massive body and a tiny penis...so I believed her." Jesse added that Hogan's penis was a "baby penis."

THE REV. BOB LEVY GAME

A caller wanted to play a game, so Howard offered him the chance to play The Reverend Bob Levy Game: Howard will read a word, and the caller will have to guess if Bob spelled it correctly. 3 out of 5 takes the $500 prize.
"Cemetery." The caller correctly guessed that Bob would spell it incorrectly:
"C-E-M-A-T-A-R-Y."
"Vacuum." Again, the caller knew Bob would fail:
"V-A-C-C-U-M."
"Pigeon." The caller bet against Bob, but Bob nailed it.
"Imitate." The caller won the $500 by again guessing that Bob would fail:
"I-M-A-T-A-T-E."

ARTIE TRIES HIS HAND AT THE GAME

Artie tried to go head to head against Bob:
Both successfully spelled "believe."
Both failed to spell "consensus."
Artie: "C-O-N-S-E-N-U-S."
Bob: "C-O-N-S-E-N-C-E-S."
Artie won the face-off, by nailing "existence," which Bob spelled: "E-X-I-N-S-T."
Artie laughed: "Now I feel better. He's retarded."

GOOGLE IS NOT A DICTIONARY

Howard yelled at Sal for allowing a few words on the control sheet to be misspelled. Sal came in to defend himself, admitting he messed up - but placing blame on the Internet: "Somebody needs to fire the CEO of Google right away...from now on, I know to go to Webster's online." Howard demanded that Sal never take charge of another spelling contest: "You're an f’ing retard! Get out of here! You sicken me." Still trying to shirk responsibility, Sal tried to blame Gary for not having checked his work before giving it to Howard.

BEWARE THE MCDONALD'S-TOTING HOOKER

Artie told a story about one of his buddies' bachelor parties "in a different city" years ago: they went out drinking and decided to get some whores to complete the evening- but didn't know where to find them, so one of them went out and picked up a pair of "streetwalkin' prostitutes." Oddly, one of them toted a big bag of food from McDonald’s. At the end of the night (after they'd all been serviced), Artie asked why she was carrying it around. She replied: "Well I gotta eat it now. There's a guy who wants me shit on him later."

IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN'S NEWS

Diaperboy is in trouble again.
Donald Trump demands you call him a billionaire.
A helium research balloon caused some UFO sightings in Arizona.
San Bernardino County has legalized the sale of medical marijuana.

Contributions by: Michael Dempster & Jason Kaplan
 Back to the top
Artie gushed about how hot he thought the producer of SNL was.
Howard said he was disgusted by the foot fetishist on "The Bachelorette."
Howard revealed his favorite chess openings: English if he's white, and the Budapest Gambit, French or King's Indian if he's black.
Craig Gass called in to describe an SNL afterparty.
Steve Langford reported that High Pitch Erik was being evicted today.
Jesse Ventura likened George W. Bush to John Belushi's character in "Animal House."
Jesse said his hero was Laird Hamilton.
Howard played a clip from Jesse Ventura's appearance on Larry King.
The crew complained about how Jason, Tim and Benjy's steps thunder on the studio's floating floor.
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