From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Stuart Slann is a 39-year-old Britfag Romeo who delights in getting pwnt over and over by the same two Scouse trolls. So far he has been thrice owned by the Liverpudlians, resulting in a broken ankle, a divorce and being exposed to public scorn, ridicule and lulz in the national media and on the Internets. Stuart likes singing, long drives in the park and dildos shoved in his arse.
—Old Chinese proverb
Stuart is a Manchester United fan from Sheffield who had the great misfortune to run into a couple of scouse cage-fighters while on holiday in Mexico. After the usual retarded back-and-forth regarding which football team is better, said scousers decided to hurl him into the pool for a laugh. It could have ended there, but as everyone knows, kicking a man while he's down is fucking hilarious.
Upon returning home, the pair set up a Facebook page in the guise of "Emma" and set about seducing their unfortunate victim, sending flirtatious text messages back and forth, encouraging him to send them pictures of himself sucking on a dildo, and eventually arranging for him to meet "her" at her remote farmhouse in Aberdeen, some 400 miles away from his own residence.
After enduring a nine-hour drive, he then received a message informing him that his belle had not yet finished work and was going to be held up for a while, prompting him to wait for another three and a half hours in the snow for her to show up, only to find that when the phone did eventually ring, that he had been soundly and thoroughly pwned. To top it all off, the pranksters then made their victory complete by uploading the resulting conversation onto YouTube and ruthlessly parading his shame for all to see: (http://break.com/index/dont-meet-chicks-on-facebook1.html)
He was being a total tit on holiday. He was one of the annoying little shits who was just stood at the bar all day running his big mouth off. I'm sure he got a crack off of someone for saying something to some fellas wife.
The story was that he was there on his own and he had his "pink rabbit" with him which everybody thought to be a bit strange. Anyway one night me an my mate were drunk early hours by the pool and over came Stuart. So we were trying to get him to sing us Liverpool songs - him being a Manchester United fan - harmless banter.
Stuart wouldn't sing so we decided to get a arm an a leg each an throw him in the pool as a little joke. Anyway we threw him in the pool and all I heard was a loud thud. We threw him in the shallow end by mistake. I thought "shit we've killed him" coz he just laid there motionless. He came around a minute or two later. He wasn't a happy chappy but I was just glad that he was OK. He said that he had done his ankle in para-sailing that day, and getting throw in into the pool didn't help either. That's the story about the ankle.
So when I got home I decided to Facebook his name and he came up so I thought it would be a bit of harmless fun to send him to Aberdeen on a wind up. The reason why I chose Aberdeen is because its fucking miles away -a good 10 hour drive from Sheffield.
I started grooming him for 6 weeks. The first couple of weeks was just general chit chat and the last 2 weeks I made him fall in love with me. I even made him put on his page that we were together in a relationship. He was getting all good luck comments of friends and family!
He wasn't as gullible as you think. He wanted to speak to "Emma" on the phone before he set off, so I got my mates girlfriend to speak to him she's very good at putting accents on.
So the big day arrives - Saturday 31st Jan - for him to travel to Aberdeen. He set off at 7am from Sheffield. I told him that I was in work until 5pm and I couldn't answer my phone and I could only text him. He was texting me telling me what he's going to do to me when he got me in the bedroom and I was texting him back telling him what I was going to do to him etc etc. I asked him could I use the rabbit on him after hes finished using it on me and he said yes, which me and my mates found hilarious.
Anyway, he arrived in a little area called Ellon 25 miles north of Aberdeen at 4.30 pm. I was texting him telling him how bored I was at work and could he cheer me up by sending a pic of himself with the rabbit in his mouth. So horny Stuart agrees straight to away send the pic and the rest is history!
The best part is that it didn't stop there. Our unfortunate friend Stuart just so happened to be married, and needless to say his other half wasn't too impressed to discover that her husband had been fooling around and taking illicit trips halfway across the country to get his rocks off with another woman.
The only lesson we can learn from this is that you should take a little more care regarding meeting people from the internet, lest you find your cock teased, your time wasted, your marriage and dignity destroyed and your gullibility exposed for the whole world to see.
|Stuart Slann is part of a series on Trolls.||