Polyamory

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The scum of the Earth getting humiliated in public.
A typical polyamourous triad couple (child sold separately)
An ordinary day for a polyamorous family
A definition of polyamory. Notice the google ads - that's polyamory for you.
Gwyn is polyamorous :(

Polyamory is the act of or ability to love, in a romantic sense, more than one person. Those who lead a polyamorous sexual life are typically called polys, and most harbor some other fetish, whether it's furry, goth, sporks or whatever.

Polys, like many formerly abused children, often confuse their sex life with their day-to-day lifestyle and personality. Polyamory becomes something they are rather than something they do. Proselytizing polys are the most annoying of all. Poly communities consist almost entirely of losers who identify as polys because they are so pathetic it is the only way they could get laid at all.

As with any made-up misunderstood minority, Polys cement their group by stigmatizing outsiders; thus, in this loser taxonomy, non polys are "moggies" (this is not a term of affection, despite the fact that every goddam batshit poly chick has seventeen cats). This ingroup/outgroup behavior shows the world they are outsiders and Idiots.


Contents

Taunting Polys

The dead parrot war of attrition

The easiest way to enrage a poly is to refuse to understand what he means when he proudly announces he is polyamorous:

Poly: ...and, so, because I AM POLYAMOROUS...

You: What? <looks outraged>

Poly: Polyamorous... you see, it means...

You: That's disgusting!

Poly: Well, I think that love...

You (LOUDLY): WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO FUCK A PARROT?

Keep in mind that using the above "punchline" will also most likely result in a punch to the face when people hear your stupid pun.

Semantics

Another thing polys hate is when you say they're "swingers". Like all cults, they hope to keep a fresh new perspective on things and prefer to believe that the concept of "having sex with other people" is something they invented in 1998. Call a poly a swinger then listen patiently for 45 minutes while he/she explains the nonexistent differences between the two, then follow up with "So you're swingers, then?".

Geometry

Anti faggotry polyamory workshop in session.
Ask your math teacher on how to troll polyps.

True to their way of using new concepts when old would do, polys likes to compare their relations with overly complex geometrical figures. One of the most cutsey is star relations: every member is only having relations with two others. Point out to them that a star is geometrically equivalent to the much more boring circle. Ask then why they didn't name their relations after the circle.


The golden years

One final way to taunt polys is to ask what they think their lives will be like when they're 70. Do they plan to go play Canasta with other partners? Maybe have a three-way shuffleboard game?

Hypocrite Polys

There has been a recent increase in relationships where one person wants to be poly but the other is expected to remain monogamous. Typically, the woman claims she is "wired that way" and that it feels unnatural for her to only fuck one person and wants to share the love, yet she can't bear the thought of her man touching anyone else. This typically ends in drama for everyone involved.

Flag-wavers of the world, unite!

There's a number of symbols for polyamory, but none of them has met any universal recognition:

Heart

A red and white heart with a blue infinity sign. Barring that infinity is not the same as "many", this symbol is relatively modest, as we soon shall see.

Poly pride flag

Now is it getting serious. It's loaded to the gills with symbolism:

  • Blue - The openness and honesty among all partners. (OH, RLY?)
  • Red - Love and passion. (More UE.)
  • Black - Solidarity with those who must hide their relationships due to reluctance to show off in pride parades.

The symbol in the center of the flag is a gold Greek lowercase letter “pi” (π), as the first letter of "polyamory". The letter's gold color represents the value that people who are polyamorous place on the emotional attachment to others, be the relationship friendly or romantic in nature, as opposed to merely primarily physical relationships. Also: Geometry.

This flag spawned:

The poly pride ribbon

Same as the flag but smaller. As even the most comitted poly will be tired from flag-waving, the ribbon is a good way to show off. So now it's easier than ever to troll polys.

ILIC

It stands for "Infinite Love in Infinite Combinations", NOT "I lick". It's a blatant Star Trek-ripoff. Basically a fucked up flag with the infinity sign.

Polly, the poor parrot

Little children loevs shiny things, but can't think about them in a deeper fashion. Ray Dillinger operated in a similar way when he picked a parrot to symbol polyamory. (Polly. Get it? Polly!) If he gave the subject a deeper consideration, he would've discovered that these parrots are monogamous.

So you could say that these beautiful birds are fucked in more than one way.

Poly webring logo

This isn't even an official unofficial logo. And we should be grateful for that. Because it looks like some unholy pre-human symbol from the Lovecraft Mythos.

A challenger appears!

Now are we talking seriouser stuff! The heartagram anarchy-A in a heart stands for something that's not even for those who only occasionally prefers a strict terminology. The relation anarchists doesn't differentiate between various kinds of relations (e.g. friendship, love, fuck buddy) and the words boy/girlfriend is anathema by device, as it's normative. Also: lots of queer theory. The solution is that you pit the relation anarchists against real men with many wives and let hilarity ensue. Only after that it can be peace on earth.

Spice up your Internet website and show your moral support with these amazing graphic image files

See also

External Links

  • LJDrama discusses a thread in the polyamory community. In it, a girl has sex with another girl's boyfriend and gets pregnant. Normally this would be considered cheating. But, it's different when you're poly. Archiv'd.
  • Mono_poly is a Hypocrite Poly LJ community, "for those involved with relationships where there are both polyamorous and monogamous partners".
  • Definition from the Polyamory Wiki



Polyamory
is part of a series on Sex

Fluids,
Anatomy,
Physiology,
Techniques

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