School

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

School teaches a variety of lessons you'll forget the night after you graduate.

In schools such as these, azn children are taught useful phrases such as "Zerg rush!!1" and "kekekekeke", as well as how to take shitty photographs of themselves throwing gang signs for their MySpace profiles.

What happens if you get a detention

The correct way to do homework.

Schools are torture chambers where lazy parents send their innocent children, who are kept prisoner, to effectively cut the amount of time and effort involved in caring for them by half via glorified re-education day care centers. Hippies and overly right-wing Christian fundamentalists who fear that their children will be exposed to reality and reject the mental retardation-themed hivemind of their religious dogma often opt for alternative form of education known as homeschooling or private (IE non-public, non-government-funded) schooling. Unfortunately, these parents who opt for home or private school fail to realize that their children will end up developmentally stunted without the prescribed curriculum of self-loathing and apathy that can only be learned at a public school. Schools in Londontown are over-populated buildings used by niggerz and wiggerz to practise their stabbing skills before moving into the real world. At school they learn how to: stand around in crowds intimidating old women, hover a B-Ball cap on their heads at a jaunty angle, say axe instead of ask (amongst other linguistical errors), practice an accent unknown to any other culture on the planet and most importantly; how to steal pokemon cards. There are no teachers - or jokerz in nigger speech - at schools in Londontown as they have all been "jabbed up" and "diced" by children wearing Boxfresh pyjamas.

Like the Catholic church, schools are also excellent places for pedophiles to find work. If you are a lucky male student, you COULD get a 25-30-year-old female teacher who's a bimbo and will spread her legs for the entire male population of her class and later file a lawsuit against one's school for the consensual sex.

In the USA

As of the year 2000, the internet had gained popularity, and of course, major fags started to interact with it too. Aside from that, school shootings, violence, harbl, vagoo and drugs are common place.

Typical student that radiates faggotry around school grounds.

Who resides at this place:

• Attention Whores, usually sluts and cheerleaders
• VTech yo
• Shit
• Major Faggotry
• Those Emo kids
• Scenesters
• Hipsters
• Otaku
• Tooltards
• 4chan users
• Teenagers who refuse to admit Grunge died in 1995.
• Gaia people
• Those faggots that shop at Hot Topic
• Rich people's kids that like drugs, sex, cock and materialistic pleasures, mostly sodomy
• Those damn faggots that play sports, also known to become attention whores.
• Niggers
• Wiggers
• Camwhores
• That asshole teacher who uses charisma and often jokey personality to hide the fact that he's an ignorant faggot that merely wants to fulfill quota and get paid
• Furries in training
• Gamers
• Your mom
• and You
• Urban Dictionary users

Here is an average day at High School:

Nine out of ten toilets in every public school.

School Society and Politics

In school, a completely different kind of society takes place. The politics here make the place seem like a separate country, or a camp of some sort. The politics in school works like a totalitarian dictatorship, where private and public behavior are regulated and enforced; while the ruler is the Principal, or more like the administration. Propaganda around the school influences students and members to work together by memorizing baffling formulas to get A's.

Typical Rules

Generally, schools enforce a common set of rules to ensure the environment is safe and worker-friendly. See also: Hell

When second grade students rebel against the teacher, lulz ensues.

• NO TALKING
• NO GUM
• NO CURSING (damn and hell count as bad words, too)
• NO SCREAMING
• NO RUNNING
• NO HATS
• NO PORN
• NO WIN
• NO FAIL
• NO MUSIC
• NO ELECTRONICS
• NO TALKING
• NO THINKING WITH OWN BRAINS
• NO THINKING WITH PORTALS
• NO ATHEISM
• NO RELIGION
• GOD BLESS AMERICA
• NO CONDOMS
• NO FUN
• NO U
• NO DRUGS
• NO HAPPINESS
• FAGS ARE WELCOME
• NO PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
• NO TALKING
• NO HUGGING
• NO SMILING
• NO LAUGHING
• NO LIBERALS
• NO REPUBLICANS
• NO LULZ
• NO GET
• NO LOLDONGS
• NO ????
• NO PROFIT!!
• FINAL DESTINATION

And finally...

• NO PURPOSE

Typical High School life

School Social Hierarchy

typical social groups

Every school has a caste system, which dictates who is better than whom and lets everyone know how often he should expect to have the shit kicked out of him.

In most cases, this system operates as follows:

• "The Bad-Ass" — Does whatever he wants and uses violence to garner the freedom to avoid the hierarchy bullshit and do his or her own thing. Often will ride a motorcycle, smoke pot, wear leather, and be the masturbation fantasy of all of the women and gay male students who secretly dream of taming the beast.

• Athletes — Jocks, who often times will run the school in the event that "The Bad-Ass" feels that controlling anyone and everyone at the school is beneath him. Jocks can range from harmless to sadistic fucktards whose cruelty drive his victims to shoot up their classmates. Make note to find out which ones to avoid and which ones to hang-out with in order to get their sloppy seconds and spill-over perks. Football is generally the dominate "Jock" species, though sometimes you have basketball players be the "Alpha-Jock" if the school's football team sucks. If a school's sports team is good (i.e. wins a lot), jocks will be granted special powers that only the School Geek will possess as far as skipping classes and getting away with shit that would get a normal student detention or suspension.

• Mean Girls/Heathers — Snotty rich girls who secretly use their tits and Satanic evil cruelty to keep everyone down socially. Will use Jocks as their personal armies most of the time to keep the male students in line via fear of violence, while using even more calculating threats of social pariahdom (via fake rumors of "_____ is a cocksucking whore who fucked the entire football team after practice") to destroy any girl who threatens the members of the Mean Girls'/Heathers' power base. Scientists believe that their evil comes from a complete lack of deep-dicking from their boyfriends and a steady diet of bottled water and laxatives to keep their 80 pound bodies looking anariffic.

• Everyone else — The "Faceless Mob". Basically a liquid, with each particle believing it's somehow different from the rest. Boring, bland, and interchangeable. Can be manipulated/cowed into obedience by the Mean Girls/Heathers and Jocks, who see them as nothing more than cattle used to prop up their flaccid egos. Can be dumb as shit too, as far as not seeing the Mean Girls/Heathers or the more sadistic Jocks as soulless monsters that they are.

• Whores — Girls who will spread their legs and suck dick of any guy who strikes their fancy. This means not you. Sworn enemy of the Heathers/Mean Girl crowd, since their evil power of cuntness is partially based upon them maintaining a frigid, sexless existence. Jocks will fuck whores as such, resulting in Mean Girls/Heathers persecuting whores as being whores in order to re-establish themselves as Alpha-Women, since real Alpha-Women are cockteases.

• The School Geek — The kid who gets picked on, bullied, and shat upon by those higher up on the social ladder: The Principal, teachers, and guidance counselors. But, has one or two allies/friends/acquaintances inside the school who provide the poor guy with the emotional lifeline needed to keep from killing themselves or going Columbine on everyone. Despite misconceptions, School Geeks are of average/high intelligence or are only extremely smart in one of the more "sexy" subjects, like English and History, and often will make the library their nesting ground between classes to discuss nerdy subjects/play D&D. People think these people will usually end up becoming the more successful people in life, (providing the Jocks don't make it to the pros), but in truth they are just as likely to become as much a loser as everyone else.

• School Pariah — What's the difference between a School Pariah and a School Geek? A School Geek can at least get people to talk to him. The Pariah couldn't accomplish that, even if they were on fire. "School Pariahs" include Goths, gays, uber-smart kids who are utterly and completely socially inept and unattractive; whores who fuck the wrong guy and are now on the Mean Girls/Heather's permanent shitlist; Veronica Mars, and the creepy foreign exchange student who doesn't speak English well. These are the ones who have no allies whatsoever and inevitably go Columbine Virginia Tech on everyone's ass, as they don't have a buddy to help shoot up the school.

• Inbreds — The annoying lowlife kids that are stupid. That stupidity is more than probably the result of drunken pregnancies and getting their shit thrown around by their drunken abusive fathers. Usually stay in groups, and are identified by the heavy, jutting brow and the smell of week-old soiled kitty litter.

Staff

A school's staff varies depending on how much money it has, which positions are not currently being filled with tenured teachers who are assholes that everyone hates; coaches whose job security is based solely on how popular they are and how well their team is doing, and gender make-up (i.e. if a school is a vagina-fest with one or two token male staff members). Oftentimes teachers will teach classes that they have ZERO knowledge about, simply in order to at least have a job and pray that they don't fuck things up by exposing their lack of knowledge to the kids who they are supposed to teach.

Teacher ranking varies on a variety of scales and factors: Depending on how much of their souls have been destroyed by the job, how young the teachers are, how hot looking a teacher is, how needy and insecure a teacher is as far as wanting to be loved by his students at the expense of actually teaching them; the extent of a teacher's divine ability to able to move heaven and earth to help students learn/grow as people through mentoring students; and if they were touched by Satan and live for no other reason than to torment students for evil's sake and to compete with one another to see which soulless bastard can drive the most students to suicide or mass murder. (Too fucking long sentence).

After teachers there are the guidance counselors, who are supposed to "help" students with emotional problems but who mainly keep everyone's permanent record organized, print up report cards, and shred permanent records once a student graduates. Will offer the solution of "Just keep eating shit and smiling as you swallow it down" as their solution to any problem a student might have.

Vice-Principals are the second-in-command of schools; most often they are the ones who actually have to "run" schools, while the actual school Principal sits in his office behind locked doors and does jack shit save for downloading porn on the school computer. Seriously, you may think the Principal is a firm, polite man. But all he ever does is sit in his office and jerk off until the day is done. If you have been in his office, you know this is the truth. Haven't you seen the box of tissues he keeps on his desk? After all, lots of teachers have tissue boxes. Perhaps all everyone does all day is jack off.

A Vice-Principal can either be a student's best friend or worse enemy: sometimes Vice-Principals are "soft-touches", meaning they are lax when it comes to punishing students and generally affable as far as being willing to help people out and not punishing them to the furthest extent of their authority. Alternatively, there are those who are power-mad psychopaths who will use their authority to rule the school like they were Hitler while isolating the student body from ever having any contact with the actual Principal (who in many cases, turn a blind eye to the Mr. Bones of the world since they don't care to see the price paid by the students for his form of fascist control over the school).

Principals run schools, though the fact that they are often nothing more than impotent figureheads at the mercy of the school board and superintendent of schools, often causes many a principal to shove all responsibility of the job onto the Vice-Principal or become drunk with power as far as compensating for their lack of functioning penis by becoming a raging asshole who feels that bringing back the art of torture by waterboarding would keep the students so terrified of that they will behave like sheep and not cause any problems.

Typical Discipline

Every school contains bad seeds who are destined to spoil the rest of the apples, and every school makes sure to contain the problem. The methods are listed minor to major solutions.

• Verbal Warning: A faculty member will often threaten the violator with detention/suspension or a stern talking to their parents. Can be easily ignored if the teacher giving the verbal warning is a spineless pussy or a soulless void of a person who only shows up at work to collect a paycheck. Actually, most "verbal warnings" is just a teacher telling you to STFU, which really, on the bright side, does not embarrass you at all.
• Detention: Violators who do things such as get into fights, use curse words, or skip classes are sentenced to stay in a gas chamber room which smells of stale piss and sweat. Time and length for detention can range from one class period, an entire school day, or if the school is run by sadistic enough fucks, two hours AFTER school. But it gets even worse. The faggot that watches you during detention WILL sodomize you for the next two hellish hours of your life. He will keep you on a dog leash. He will make you call yourself Shirley. He will thrust repeatedly until he pulls out and shoots it onto all your facial orifices. All the while everyone else in detention cries out in humiliation for you as the lava compartments open up in the seats.
• Suspension: You are forced to stay home for around one day to two weeks; parents are often notified, come hell or high water, so you can't avoid them knowing about it and teachers are required by law to give you "F's" for all classwork/test you may miss, no matter how much cock you suck or carpet you lick. On the plus side, you can (in theory) sleep late and play Ecksbawks all day while your friends are stuck in school, but the negative side to the equation is that your parents will almost always double-ground you severely (no TV, no internet, no VCR, a shitload of house and yard work you are forced to do, and that if they are sadistic enough, will force you to start doing said work at 5:00 AM. in order to deny you a chance to sleep in).
• Expulsion: Major violators who do malicious acts such as burn things, call teachers child-molesting mongering shithead skullcunts, kill the science lab animals, sell drugs, or proclaim that school is a waste of time and why the fuck should they obey a cunt named Mrs. Wallace who has a vagina filled with centipedes who obviously doesn't like you and lets everyone and their mother pick on you, are banned from school.
• Saturday School: Myth created by "The Breakfast Club", as far as locking students (one of which represents one of the major social cliques: jock, nerd, white trash, rich girl, and goth) into the library and forcing them to write essays about how sorry they are for their sins but in truth, smoke pot, make out, and tell each other their darkest secrets as part of a pot-induced bonding exercise.

Funding

99% of schools are funded by the US government, with the remaining 1% being funded by people that know what they are doing (the wealthy). As such, public schools are housed in buildings that are barely standing after 100 years, are lucky if they even have a single computer with internet access (or a computer lab that features a bunch of crippled computers that run on Windows 95 and are only used by the typing students), one soda vending machine (which is locked up during the day), no fucking air conditioning and heating that works every other day in the winter. Meanwhile the wealthy have climate controlled, brand new school buildings with a pool, top of the line computers with internet AND Wi-Fi connection, and vending machines galore.

As such, many public schools are forced to rely on a variety of alternate means to bring in revenue:

• Overpricing Vending Machines: Coke or Pepsi (and occasionally fruit drinks) and vending machines with a cavalcade of junk food that will make kids fatter. Some schools will turn off the machines during main school hours, forcing hordes of kids to get their junk food before first bell, after the final bell, or from the Candy and Soda Mafia that the teacher's union runs on the side to supplement their income.
• Tickets: Tickets to half-assed plays, proms leading to sub-par or no action, and watching your school's team lose a football game in a stadium is surefire way for parents to go to spend $20-$50 on for their child to enjoy after-school.
• Equipment funding: Because giving children positive role models is key to success in school and life.
• Pictures and Yearbooks: Why hardcover-picture books with page after page of zit-faced idiots in it cost nearly $20 to $100 (depending on the size of the school) is beyond me.
• Lunch: Shit food that not even Mexicans and blacks will eat, served to kids by 50 year old ladies in hairnets. The bulk of all school food is substandard shit that is bought via contract with food suppliers, with schools buying food from the cheapest suppliers, resulting in uneatable shit food that is not fit for dogs, let alone human beings. Luckily, from Kindergarten through sixth grade, you can bring your own lunch in a colorfully decorated lunchbox but once you hit seventh grade (or high school), you must retire the lunchbox or be lynched from the nearest flagpole. At which point, one starts learning the art of skipping lunch in order to drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and eat while doing 70 MPH in order to get back in time to avoid being caught or pray that your school has a "candy mafia", as far as teachers selling snack-sized candy bars for 50 cents a bar to students in order to line their own pockets with kid lunch money. Fortunately, many schools are now starting an Open Campus system, where the students with good grades are able to leave school grounds during lunch and Study Halls.

Also of note is the "Free/Reduced" lunch program, where poor students get their lunches for free on the tax payer's dime, though at the cost of being branded as being so poor that you can't afford a $1.10 meal that consists of food that no one wants to eat anyway....

Classes

School has a variety of classes that the bushy-tailed student will start every new day with!

• Computer Science Aye Aye Aye - Teaches you everything you need to know about the wonderful world of h4xz0ring. If you were born before 1985 you'll remember this being full of now-obsolete information, or taught by a teacher who didn't know jack about it.
• Math - Excelled by the Asian race. Useless in the real world but most schools will force you to take Math classes up until 11th grade, at which point you can say "Fuck it, I'll take the extra Pre-Calculus class freshman year of college and graduate in five years instead of four!". Math is also the only class which is routinely offered as a remedial class for all students and not just the retards because everyone sucks at it.
• Science - AKA "Physical Science', which is generally a lot of useless shit that you will have to take rather than actual "biology' or even "animal biology". Your textbook will be filled with neat-looking experiments that your school doesn't have the budget to let you do. By the time you reach 10th Grade, you will FINALLY be able to take a science class that fits your inane desire for learning:
  • Chemistry - Teaches you how to mix chemicals with equations. This is the result of Math and Science being incestuous fuck-buddies. GUARANTEED there will be a happy Asian kid mastering that motherfucking class. May or may not come in handy when attempting to manufacture crystal meth. This is the class that (when you were a kid) you thought you could mix random shit together in a beaker causing an explosion. Also known as "Lern2MadScientist Class". Also this class is predominantly taught by vile sarcastic teachers (usually women) - on average the evolved form of a snotty rich-girl.
  • Biology - the one Science one can appreciate. Taught by dwarf-like-men and their freakishly tall women counterparts.
  • Life Science - This class helps you benefit from life on what would happen if humans and dogs fuck.
  • Physics - The motherfucker of academics, or Chemistry's inbred sibling. In physics, you learn equations and theories that look like somebody smashed their keyboard, then eventually go on to things like blowing the shit out of the universe into another fucking dimension. Learning is fun, kids!
• History - Teaches you what life was like before the Internets. There are some bloody, epic battles involved and soap-opera type IRL drama to be learned as a well, which makes it a favorite of students who suck donkey balls at science and math or those who enjoy comics and soaps and as such, translate history lessons into storylines written by Geoff Johns or Roy Thomas.
• Phys.Ed. - This class specializes on training athletes and the lesser students to take hot, sweaty showers after a hard game of throwing ball. Occasionally a school will have a lesbian teacher, who will inevitably be a more likable (or at least more manipulable) than the male gym teachers as far as letting you spend an entire gym class networking with your friends while running around like a spastic monkey on crack. At the end of every class, the gym teacher says, "All right, ladies, get your clothes off, hop in the shower and bounce around for me." If you refuse to do so, you will get raped in the ass.
• Computer Class - The only meaningful class that teaches you the ways of how-to-Internet or how to type real fast for your job as a cubicle slave monkey. Ass-cake kids usually sign up for this class so they can goof off and try to find a proxy to go MySpacin' or play a game on ebaumsworld. If you were wondering too, this is class is also considered Asian Kindergarten. Students today can consider themselves lucky, because back in the stone age of computers students learned BASIC from teachers who didn't know the difference between PC and Apple computers.
• Home Economics - Teaches you on how to survive dorm life, cook food when your parents leave you home alone, and how to do laundry to get rid of blood, cum, or vomit stains.
• English Class - This class helps you speak American/bullshit in college regarding books you have to read in order to fit in.
• DeviantART - Art class teaches you to express yourself in the style of painting.
• Foreign Language - Si, yo amo el burro!
• Band - This is where lazy fat fucks go to get out of P.E.
• Wood Shop - Where the Emos go to cut themselves and dumbshit football players go to get an A without actually thinking.
• Health - After they tell you to say no to drugs at an age where your classmates are already using them anyway, they teach sex education as if half of your class isn't having sex already anyway.
• JROTC - Where patriotic rednecks, lesbians, and military wannabes go to wear inaccurate uniforms, march badly, shoot air rifles, and learn a big load about the military that won't help them worth shit when they're actually in it.

CLUBS

Where you go to escape the pedophiles of the street

1. Football - Where you get tackled by fat negros
2. Debate - Where "smart people" go to spout their opinions, not realizing that noone gives a shit. 9,999 out of 10,000 chances will the meeting involve everyone crying while complaining that they only joined the debate club because college admissions offices get hard whenever they see an applicant who was on the debate team.
3. Audio-Visual (AV) Club - Where greasy weeaboos go to watch anime on tv equipment owned by the school.
4. Student Council - A live-action popularity contest, where students are tricked into thinking that they have a say in how the school is run.

Years and years of Edumacation

When entering "school", you will be introduced to multiple tiers of learning RL.

• Preschool- This is where incest-babies start and learn how to survive without mommy and daddy around.
• Kindergarten- The same as preschool, except everyone will now learn how to make macaroni jewelry for their momma and poppa and celebrate holidays.
• Grades 1 to 5- All the children here begin to learn how to do basic math skills such as subtracting apples and ostracize girls because they have cooties. Girls often dress like their favorite Bratz dolls and boys will furiously idolize FUNimation anime such DBZ and Naruto.
• Grades 6 to 12- Children will enter their teenagehood and learn to be themselves with other individuals. They will also learn that drugs and lots and lots of unprotected sex is the only way you'll be accepted in the world.
• College- Going here will definitely make you a millionaire when you go out into the real adult world, of course that's provided you don't drop out.

Life Lessons

School teaches kids many invaluable things which will become useful in later life. These include:

• If the bisector of an angle in a triangle meets the opposite side at its midpoint, then the triangle is going to get raped.
• Everything that isn't pretty is ungodly.
• Unless you can play football, baseball, or academically intelligent enough invent shit that will make you a millionaire as an adult, you're basically fucked and will never amount to anything.
• Always answer questions with full sentences for a cheap laugh. If somebody asks you what the capital of Europe is, you should answer in the form "The capital of Europe is England, sir." If you only answer "England", you will be deducted marks.
• The metric system, but only in the form of drug measurements, bullet calibers, and getting a zentai suit made off of Ebay.
• How to repair wounds inflicted during botched School Shootings.
• How to protect yourself from a tsunami, nuclear bomb, earthquake, or terrorist attack (by huddling underneath your desk and cramming your head as far into your crotch as possible).

Sex in school

Discovery of the opposite gender

Girls will discover that boys are cute at around 10 years old, while boys are a little retarded and often don't figure out girls are cute until 13 years old. The immediate effect of this is that girls will think that prepubescent boys are cute - a fact that will stay with them into adulthood, but the full effect on boys isn't evident until they are in their 20's and notice developed sixth-graders and insist that 12 year old girls didn't have boobs when THEY were in school.

Discovery of the same gender

Whether a person's final sexual orientation ends up being gay or straight, it doesn't take long to figure out you've got a better chance being alone with someone who has the same parts as you.

• If you end up gay, then you must be emo about it until you move on to college
• If you end up straight, then you must spend all your time convincing people you aren't a faggot, even though you probably are.

Abstinence

Really does exist. Really does work. Really is boring.

Hot for Teacher

Supposedly, some older students get to score with their teachers, just not at your school. If it does happen at your school, it doesn't happen to you.

School Blocking Systems

Well nowadays all school systems have a blocking system for the internet. Now back in the good ol' days when porn at school wasn't a problem, we didn't have to worry about getting caught looking at a lesbian threesome in the middle of class. Because most likely your teacher would join you. Nowadays it's hard to do that without getting harassed about it and sent to jail. This is thanks to MADD and the PTA. But now blocking is getting too repetitive. Here's a little list I made up of current blocks on our school system.

• 1. Encyclopedia Dramatica
• 2. MySpace
• 3. Web Proxies
• 4. E-mail
• 5. All Search Engine's Image Search
• 6. Michael Jackson [dot]com
• 7. Torrent Sites
• 8. Just About Anything To Do About Life
• 9. Google
• 10. Wikipedia

Luckily if your school system is run by a bunch of hillbillies, then this shouldn't be a problem. A lot of these systems just block search terms, so reword your search and enjoy your guro, you sick fuck. If that doesn't work, just open up your CMD and ping a website.

...or go home and burn a Linux Slip-stream.

...or (third option) ... you could get around blocked sites with:

• 1. ATunnel.com
• 2. the-cloak.com
• 3. encyclopediadramatica.com
• 4. googlr.com or image.googlr.com (has only been tested in East Coast Schools)
• 5. subscribe to a site to get infinite proxies delivered to your email

Rich People Schools

Every posh school is exactly like Cruel Intentions, except everyone is inbred and you have to make up a retarded fake accent to fit in.

Some schools have the added bonus of costing vast sums of money. This extra expense pays for Blazers, which sort the chaff from the entitled pricks, and additional lessons which poor people never learn, such as croquet, promiscuity, and enunciation (how to talk like a complete dick).

You should feel free to act like an asshole and rub your expensive education in the faces of as many people as possible. Bonus points if you do this to those fellow students who are only at the prep-school via scholarship and are pariahs because they don't come from inbred old-money families.

On LiveJournal

LiveJournal has a "Schools" feature which allows users to enter their education history in their userinfos so that people they can't stand can find and harrass them without even having to buy a paid account.

Facebook

Facebook is a website created by some teenager who wanted to make his first friend. It is a social networking/pr0n site that allows users to network with other people in their high schools or colleges. This has been favored over actually going to IRL school and seeing IRL friends.

This addition also allows RPers and other assorted losers to pretend they go to Hogwarts.

Hey faggot! Also see...

• Student
• University/College
• Good reasons to homeshool.

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