Asperger's syndrome
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Due to the controversy surrounding this page, Encyclopedia Dramatica has released a statement to anybody offended by this article:
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Asperger's syndrome is a condition on the higher functioning end of the Autism spectrum. It was not an official diagnosis until 1994, when the DSM-IV was published. First mentioned by a Dr. Hans Asperger, growth in diagnosis of this disease in the past decade has been only outstripped by self-diagnoses.
Asperger-monsters are the most self-centered, selfish pieces of shit on the planet. Devoid of empathy, social reasoning, social context, or self awareness, they are subhuman meat-calculators, who live to collect and catalogue items like barcodes and bottletops.
Losers believe that having Asperger's Syndrome excuses all forms of social retardation, attention whoring and shitty self-absorbed bullshit, while also allowing them to lay claim to its supposed symptom of "higher than average levels of intelligence".
For these reasons, Aspers has greatly outstripped ADHD as the chic diagnosis of choice for pretty much every group of fucktards on the internet. It is no wonder then that all people with Assburgers are fugly.
Assburgers on the Internets
Asperger's has become a fad for those seeking to garner attention unto themselves. In the fine, hallowed tradition of disease whores everywhere, many of today's youth expertly design a disease which kills two birds with one stone by:
- . Assuming others are born normal rather than work at it, giving the self-proclaimed Aspie an excuse not to make an effort to develop social skills, and
- . Assuming they were born smart, rather than merely having had more exposure to books and computers because no one wanted to be around them.
Want to find out if you can justify your failed life with Aspergers? Take the test!
Also known as ...
- Asperger's
- Ass Burgers
- Assburpers
- A-Monsters
- BAWWWWWWtism
- loltism
- Stuttering ADD
- NOTism
- cerebral lawlzy
- whiny bitch syndrome
- Emo Syndrome
- "That fucking dumbass"
Assburgers on ED
It's common knowledge that asspie's don't give two shits about anything but themselves. Asspie's are selfish, narcissistic assholes who expect the motherland to feel remorse for putting up such an offensive article. However, they do not care about women, niggers, homosexuals, WTC, abortion, animal abuse, or anything that doesn't relate to people licking their burger-asses. So being typical faggots, they do what they do best: bitch and moan.
It should also be noted that asspie's tend to compare themselves to famous asspie's in history, failing to realize that those people succeeded in life and aren't basement dwelling rejects. So the next time you hear an aspie compare himself to Einstein, feel free to redirect him to Chris-chan.
They also posthumously diagnose people like Einstein or Dirac, who might very well have fucking hated and rejected the idea of "aspergers" on both logical and ethical grounds.
Assburgers is a made-up disease, most common in overachieving middle-class families, because little Johnny is either a social outcast, or is just acting fucking retarded. The parents diagnose their child, and the "doctors" go along with and encourage it because of the money it generates. Fuckers.
Common Symptoms
The diagnostic criteria were established by John Harvey Kellogg in 1888 and consist of the following:
- You talk about things that nobody cares
- Wearing other things that nobody wears
In 1944, Dr Hans Asperger himself tried to warn humanity about the evil he had discovered. One of Hans Asperger's first scientific papers on Autism was titled "Autistic Psychopathy in Childhood". Some believe that A-Monsters may be the dark legacy of a Nazi experiment.
- Missing social cues when you act like a fuck-up in public.
- Telling various sob stories about being misunderstood/discriminated against.
- Ending said sob story on the note that you wouldn't want to be rid of your 'condition' anyway since you are actually smarter than most everyone else and probably the next step in evolution (like an xmans!!)
- Hand flapping.
- Tourette's Syndrome
- Walking around in circles or moving parts of your body like you are on drugs.
- Mumbling to yourself in class like a fucktard.
- Talking with a robotic accent - see Lulzcast 2.
- Not getting the hint in social situations
- Having multiple LiveJournals for the different "aspects of your personality", one of which is naturally filled with slash.
- Thinking that everyone else are the ones with the problem.
- Being too fucking lazy or unable to drive and then complaining about how they can't go anywhere.
- Thinking Lawyers can save their asses against the internets and Lulz
If you have any of the symptoms listed above, or if you have taken the linked test, then you are DEFINITELY an Asspie, and need to "come out" to your flist about your "special gift" NOW, while immediately affixing the appropriate pro-aspie userboxes to your Wikipedia admin page so that people know never to argue with you, ever, because that would be discrimination. Some brave asspie named Jeremy orkin (username:godhatesautism) came out of the closet and told everyone that aspie fucktards are dumb faggots. He was most likely killed by zionist asspie cia agents.
Asspie national anthem
—Asspie national anthem |
Having Asperger's Syndrome
. . . As Covering Up for Being a Total Fucktard
Some close-knit communities of "people", such as furries, plushies, and otherkin possess such distorted views of reality as to be particularly susceptible to forming a belief that their ostracism is due to victimization by outside factors. They will not infrequently claim to have Asperger's or be Autistic en masse, often finding some way to tie its manifestations into the fact that they are social misfits. The truth is, though, that they're just complete assholes and fail at proper expression of affection. In certain instances, having "Asperger's" seems to be correlated with the posting of disgusting and semi-nude pictures of yourself frequently on the internet and local AIDS awareness seminars, or writing highly disturbed fanfiction. Additionally, it is not unheard of for these individuals to claim multiple, even superficially seemingly incompatible diagnoses of a plethora of diseases -- possibly claiming anorexia, ADHD, autism, Asperger's, schizophrenia, OCD, and anything else they've ever read about or seen on CSI.
Edison Was an Asspie, So That Makes Me Speshul!
— A fucktard making excuses. Explains why asspies are passionate about doing nothing. |
Websites such as this try to facilitate the asspie myth that some of history’s most famous geniuses and philosophers had the condition. People such as Einstein (of course), Beethoven, and Mozart all supposedly had the affliction. Yes, all the whiny, self-diagnosed people you have read about on this page have all the untapped creative energy that Thomas Edison had. Unfortunately, none of them appear to have any of the talents Edison did tap into, (which just happen to be the good ones). All of the things mentioned by the site are part of the conspiracy by those with assburgers to show that the disease is at the higher end of the autistic spectrum. Coincidentally though, most of the people who they listed have been dead for years so there is no way of telling if they had the disease or not.
Asspies are responsible for all the evil in history
Whenever you look through history at all the horrid things that have happened, you can probably find an Aspie that was responsible for them. The Nazi's were all Aspies. Adolph Hitler was an Aspie (sauce) as can be discerned by his manner of speech where he flailed his arms around. Obersturmbannführer Adolf Eichmann was an aspie, he basically kept track of every single Jew in the Third Reich (basically most of Europe) to excruciating detail. Reichsführer-SS Himler was definitely an Aspie as can be seen by his blank Aspie stare. The Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, Serial Killers Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were also Aspies.
Asspie Dating
As they are socially retarded, Asspies do not know the proper way to get a girlfriend even though they are very attracted to hawt. Therefore, they will do stupid things that make themselves look like rapists. Common Ass Burgers Syndrome suffers often use the following methods.
- Use of stupid pickup lines from the internet.
- Fucktarded frankness: "Wow, we have a lot in common...when do we have sex?"
- Seeing a girl that is hot when on a bathroom break at school and following her into the girls bathroom and then blurting out "I want to kiss you!"
- Masturbating behind a girl in Science Class. Or maybe just to the Igneous rocks. Sicko.
- And, natural successor to the above, Masturbating across the office from a female co-worker
- Talking to a girl in public, and when she smiles it is taken as a request to show up at her house in the middle of the night.
- Walking up to a girl and asking her to spank his bottom.
- Online stalking and/or asking for girlfriends repeatedly in chat rooms Dude... seriously... leave me the hell alone.
- Finding a woman in far worse physical condition than themselves and possessing very low standards and becoming her "caretaker".
- More or less giving up on meaningful human contact and spending all of their money on sex dolls.
- Loitering in malls with a sign that says they're looking for a "Boyfriend-Free Girl"
The Legend of Hugbox Island
I'm sure you are thinking after reading all of this "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?". Or alternatively, "that sounds just like me" (if the latter describes you, you should immediately administer a bullet to your head, if symptoms persist, please ask someone else to administer the bullet for you). Recently Aspers have 'discovered' their origins are Atlantian (or so they argue). Some have suggested the Atlantis origin story might have resulted from one or more Aspers, plagiarizing and raping the story of Atlantis.
Quotes are as follows
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And not only do they insist on having their own made-up, bullshit history, that they failed to own or make up themselves, but rather quilted together from collected bits and bobs created by non-Aspers, Assburglers also have to have their own culture. Even worse, they've ripped off the deaf, who actually have something in common besides being attention whore assholes.
Assplurgian: The Language of the Asspie
Language amongst these individuals differs from normal uses of language. To demonstrate these differences, text written in Assplurgian are noted in bold. The italicized text is the translation into common language understood by those living in reality.
- Welcome: If you cannot or do not want to socialize in real life you may find some pleasure in doing it online. Meet people who are similar to you!
- Translation: You're a fucking lazy faggot and you'd rather sit at your computer and wank than try at anything. See: loser
- #asperger is your channel if you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum. The autism spectrum includes autism, Asperger syndrome, and PDD-NOS. One thing we have in common is an impairment in nonverbal communication with neurologically typical ("normal") people that causes social difficulties. People with conditions such as hyperlexia, Tourette syndrome, schizoid personality disorder, social phobia, etc., may join the channel if there is also impairment in nonverbal communication. Loners with an autism-like condition are welcome.
- Translation: People with ass burgers aren't diseased, they're just different. All other losers are welcome to join our club in order to keep numbers up. Damn all for being "normal."
- It is not necessary to have an official diagnosis to join the channel. What counts is that you suspect seriously that you would fit in to the autism spectrum. If so, please feel free to join #asperger to see if you might 'fit in' with us.
- Translation: E-diagnosing 16 year old girls please.
- When you first join the channel, an operator will ask some basic information from you, including how you found out about the channel and whether you are on the autistic spectrum. If you don't have an official diagnosis, we may ask you why you think you are on the spectrum. Don't worry too much about this, though. We do not attempt to make diagnoses on whether or not channel visitors have an autism spectrum disorder. However, we must determine whether it is a likely possibility, in order to protect the channel against obvious imposters and troublemakers.
- Translation: You can come here with an e-diagnosis but we'll probably kick you out anyways because you might be /b/. Dogs and curtains work better anyways you cunts.
- The channel is only for those who are on the autistic spectrum!
- Translation: Okay so what was that before about other social disorders?
- #asperger is not for parents of autistic children and "experts" who wish to exchange experiences and ideas about treatments. If you want to discuss treatments etc. you are requested to do it on #autism or on #prism.
- Translation: We only want kids because we're paedos
Source and further study of Asspies and Assplurgian language in the wild: http://www.inlv.demon.nl/irc.asperger/
Terminology
People who have (fictionally or otherwise) Asperger's will sometimes refer to themselves as aspies or as a group, the aspie community. While these people may come across as jerks, the actual victims of the disease are halfway-decent, possibly-human, lifeforms minus the social skills who encounter the self-diagnosed attention-whoring victimhood-loving cunts, whose falseness drives their victims into a driveling, uncontrollable rage.
Shared language
Although autistic culture doesn't have its own language, there is some terminology commonly used by those in autistic culture, such as:
- Aspie: A short-hand way of saying Asperger's. Sometimes it is referred to only those diagnosed with Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum. Most proponents of autistic culture would prefer not to call Asperger's a "syndrome."
- Autie: A short-hand way of saying an autistic person. Sometimes it is used only to refer to those diagnosed with autism instead of Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum.
- Cousin: A cousin is someone who is not technically autistic in the clinical use of the word, but is still similar enough to autistic people to be as much a part of autistic culture as someone officially diagnosable with autism. Sometimes these people are similar because they have a similar condition (although a cousin doesn't have to have any psychological conditions) such as schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or hyperlexia. AC is often used to stand for "autistics and cousins."
- Curebie: A person with the desire to cure autism. These people are usually viewed in a negative light in autistic culture.
- Neurodiversity: A concept of tolerance of people regardless of neurological wiring.
- Neurotypical: Usually abbreviated NT. Refers to a nonautistic person.
Translation: Like the Atlantis shit, we ripped off some psychology jargon, 'cause we r smart. Plus, we still don't want to bother being liked, don't cure us, because sitting around picking our nose and perseverating on math is fucking normal, asshole!
Should also be noted that those who deal with people who supposedly have this disease (and can't stand them) will refer to the wannabe sick as having AssBurners Syndrome.
Interweb Case Studies
- An "CNN manager" found out she was an Aspie and was so elated that she wrote an article about it on CNN.com. It is full of lulzy statements like these: Hugs are dispensed infrequently, but if I do hug someone, I resemble Frankenstein's monster, arms extended to control contact. When my dad (who I suspect is an Aspie, too) and I hug, we both have "the approach." We sometimes miss and have to re-approach a couple of times until a brief, awkward hug is achieved. Gb2/hugbox indeed. The link to this page should be posted in the comments to this CNN story until further lulz are achieved.
- The male_dom community on LiveJournal is 100% made up of self-diagnosed 'aspies'. When one poster says her partner has it, about 20 people chime in as having it as well, all self-diagnosed of course and many of them claiming to be autistic as well.
- 1justin is self diagnosed with it, he's just as much of a faggot about it as everyone else, but assumes he is better than the rest. He wound up banned from the aspergers community (which has since mysteriously been deleted and purged) for trying to point out to its members that most of them probably don't have it and that being proud about it is stupid, both of which appropriately apply to him.
- A poll on kuro5hin in which 76% of respondents claim to have some form of Asperger's or autism. Yes. 76%.
- A large number of goons from the SomethingAwful forums claim to have aspergers. From the looks of things, most of them probably do.
- Everyone on Fanfiction.net claims to have Asspies, Lysdexia, and/or ADHD; which begs the question, why are they writing?
- Everyone on DeviantART claims to have Asperger's, which means you cant criticize them or they'll get upset, because they have a perfectly legitimate reason for why no-one should criticize their shit art.
- Kevin Havens has Asperger's (self-diagnosed, of course) among many other problems, spends all of his money on junk food and sexdolls, and lives with his crippled girlfriend. He collects a check for being her "caretaker" as well.
- These poor women think their husbands have asspies - ladies, they're just
assholesnormal healthy men trying to make the best of a life trapped in a marriage with an over-emotional woman (I mean seriously! Not being "torn up inside" because you hear a child crying is not sufficient to form a diagnosis of asperger's syndrome!)
- A Facebook group was created to protect females from being raped by Asspies. They were so butthurt they cried rape to Facebook and the group was deleted just so the Asspies would shut up!
- The Online Petition was invented by asspies, this is clear because they are the only ones that seem to think that anybody gives even the slightest rat's ass about Online petitions. So far, members of Asspies Against Freedom have already created 3 petitions to get Encyclopedia Dramatica taken offline, unfortunately they don't seem to realize that when nobody signs their petition, making another petition is as effective at shutting down a popular website as sticking your dick in a light socket.
IRL Drama
—Suburbian mother, smacking her gum with her lip glossed mouth - Confessing to her priest |
Pwnt by Kindergardners: May 2008
In this lulzy video, an Aspie child named Alex, is totally rejected by his kindergarten class. By a vote of 14 to 2, they decided to kick him out of their class for his idiotic flailing Ass-pie behavior that was pissing them off. His mom then BAWWW'd on national television about "discrimination" while the Aspie mumbled incoherently in her lap, further proving that the children were right and the whiny parents were wrong. Naturally, a lolsuit is being planned. The boy's mother was also a sick fuck and compared the teacher to Islamic terrorists which is wrong because it is a favor to the normal children not to have a shit smearing, masturbating child in the classroom; and Muslims actually kill people which is much worse than any minor teasing or ridicule. Some people need to grow up and stop being fairies.
Meanwhile, StumbleUpon users call for the death penalty.
Treatment
For
Despite muths that there is no treatment for those with autism, the disorder is incredibly easy. Action T4 also exposes the many myths because autism and allows the patients and their caretakers to live happy lives insted of leeching off welfare.
Against
Contrary to the above Aspies fro Freedom are opposed to any form of treatment (even when it's clearly needed) and spread lies about their so-called condition to that they may appear normal, but at the same time deserve more respect than other people. Irionically by encouraging people to accept them as being fuckwits they encourage the extermination of those with asperger's syndrome more than Action T4.
Gallery
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Asspie Videos
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Famous Assburgerers on ED
- AkewsticRockR
- Alexander4488
- Armake21
- Chris-chan
- cyndilovespiccolo
- Daxflame
- Drp1zza
- Jawsus
- Kevin Havens
- PissedOffVideoGamer
- Satoshi Tajiri
- SilentRob
- Spax3
- Tammi Reynolds
- Wesley!!!
- You
See also
- Action T4
- Asperchu
- Aspies for Freedom
- EVE Online
- Leaderfag
- Malber
- Rape
- Retard
- The R Word
- Sceptre
- TVTropes
- Ulillillia
- WAXLABLTABLER
External Links
- A browser for Asspies
- A typical Asspie (Zefri the Angel Boy!!!!11)
- lol asspie congregation (exception to the power in numbers rule here)
- Target an asspie devianTART
- Aspies for Freedom
- The official I have Autism button. BUY BUY BUY
Asperger's syndrome is part of a series on Aspies. |
Asperger's syndrome is part of a series on Diseases and Disorders. |
Asperger's syndrome is part of a series on ED5 Pollfest Top 16. |