United Kingdom
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| (There is much moar in England!) |
The United Kuntdom (UK) was once the centre of the largest empire the world has ever seen; lasting for nearly four hundred years it covered twenty-five percent of the world's landmass and killed far, far more black people than anyone else, ever (except Texas). Now, through the vagaries of socialism and some cunt giving India back to the Indians, it's pretty much relegated to being America's bitch and the biggest troll in Europe. The UK consists of four constituent states: England, Scotland, Northern Ireland (though from an international law perspective the entirety of Ireland should be considered as UK territory) and Dragonshire. There are several other territories but they should all be considered as utterly redundant as they are about as significant as Finland.
Although officially a Constitutional Monarchy, the British Isles used to be ruled by King David Beckham and his Queen, Posh Spice from their Beckingham Palace thrones. However, upon considering the two equally ridiculous faiths of Judaism and Scientology, the royal couple opted to become jewfags and thus instantaneously sought to obtain more money. They proceeded to fuck off firstly to Spain, and then when one of their children was raped by a Spanish muslim they sold him for jewgold and moved on to America to teach those cumsniffers how to play football.
For a short time, citizens were left without a King and Queen. The Daily Express and Daily Mail newspapers jointly appointed, without any authority whatsoever, the ghost of Lady Di as Guardian of the UK. However, since that time, there has been a revolution and every year a variety of fucktards are elected to run a haphazard and makeshift government through TV shows such as X-factor, Big Brother and I’m a celebrity get me out of here! If this fuckery weren’t so tragic, it would be considered shit nobody cares about.
Although technically part of Europe (and a member of the EU) some British people do not consider themselves Eurofags and will likely shove a broken bottle in your face if you point this fact out to them.
Because the British have a long history of conquering helpless brown people in Third World shitholes, they have developed delusions of grandeur and believe that their empire was greater than it really was. It is a known fact that Britain's performance drops slightly when their opponents are other White people, apart from numerous British victories, which are nothing short of ownage.
The United Kingdom is no longer considered an international superpower and the United Kingdom now spends its time split between trying to get chavs neutered and sending its youth to rape and pillage the middle east at the demand of its American masters. Britons particularly despise the Israelis for their part in introducing their former King to pedophilia.
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Geography
London, England, Scotland, Wales and the worst (Protestant) bits of Ireland are all parts of the inbred monarchy that is officially called United Kingdom of Great Britain and the worst (Protestant) Bits of Ireland.
Top to toe, the UK is about 50 by 45 miles. On a map, you could miss it if you blinked however when viewed from space it is easily distinguished by The Great Wall of Ego that has been constructed around Greater London to keep out fags, gypsies, jews, niggas and pikeys.
Climate
It rains, which brings shitloads of fog.
The British People
Despite inventing everything the cunt eyed chinese inventing stealing everything the vile inbred sons of Britain/France hold dear, the British gene pool has suffered in recent years due to rampant Poles. While in the heyday of the Empire the average British man was eight feet tall and wore his cock over one shoulder to prevent draggage, and the average woman so beautiful one would instantly need to fap -most, including you, are now similar to the couple shown on the right. That is, butt fucking ugly and unrelentingly vile. It should be noted that, unfortunately after six decades of immigration 90% of the British are Muslim tards who want to Jihad the Jewnited States of America. This is the single reason that all Brits lulz themselves to sleep at night.
It should also be noted that every man, woman and child in England hates the Scottish, the Irish and the Welsh. Every man, woman and child in Scotland hates everyone else including themselves, we do it well! The Irish hate the British but are too drunk to find the door. Anything the Welsh steal/'think' of stealing/or are presently stealing is universally considered as shit nobody cares about, apart from dragons and, consequently, furries.
At time of writing, Scotland has a modicum of home-rule (whilst still falling under the purview of the UK government in London). Northern Ireland is on the road to something resembling autonomy. Meanwhile the Welsh continue to bitterly whine about independence but since they can only speak a made up language, nobody's listening. And, yes, the Scots still fuck Haggis and refuse to eat - or even be in the same room as - fruits.
It should be noted that Brits, as well as Canadians are not people, as they are conceived by mass amounts of used condoms shoved into a blender mixed with monkey semen and a bit of fucked up language.
History
Since before the Internets, the evil ginger Barbarian tribes inhabiting the Kingdoms of Scotland and Ireland and the Principality of Wales have been creating havoc, as a way to gang up against their bitter cousin England. After continually invading and burning the North of England for teh lulz, they're still oblivious to the fact that London is safely nestled in the South East of the country, and couldn't give a flying fuck what happens to the North or its inhabitants.
At least 100 years ago, following the "Scottish Enlightenment" and Industrial Revolution, Scotland became the world's dominant industrial and maritime power, playing a leading role in developing parliamentary demockery and in advancing literature and science. As hard as this is to believe if you've ever met a shit eating Ned (as they prefer to be called), it may be explained when you consider that like the Jew, the Scots are all skinflints when it comes to money.
Until recently, the Channel had kept all enemy invasions at bay despite frequent 'pop-ins' from such diverse party crashers as the Romans, the Vikings, the French the Germans, the Danes, the Norwegians and the Pakis. However most found the British food -and obligatory lukewarm beer - and weather to be so atrocious and the people so thoroughly obnoxious that they would GTFO asap, leaving behind their cultural trappings which the Brits then fashioned into a culture of their own.
However, when some moron decided to build the "Chunnel" (a tunnel under the Channel that linked the UK with France) in 1994, all hell broke loose as the "Chunnel"'s sole purpose has proven to be allowing Britain's hordes of perpetually drunk, violent soccer hooligans out of their cages and swarming onto the continent to wreak havoc and avenge the fact that -much as they deny it- they're all mutts full of French, German, Italian and Norse blood, which considering the volatility of those races, probably explains why Brits are so all around unpleasant.
The British Empire
After losing to some closeted Frenchmen in the Battle of 1066 and getting their asses taken over by the perfumed fops of a foreign royal court, the British decided that it would be more fun if they were the ones doling out the faggotry, instead of receiving it. Thus did the British will to empire.
At its peak, the British Empire covered over one-fourth of the earth's surface and nearly one third of its population. Under Queen Victoria, the British Army and Navy went forth to go where no man had gone before and kindly teach the filthy, godless natives -from the wogs of Africa to the ripe smelling box-wallahs of India to rickshaw pulling chinks of China- the wonders of civilization and the word of God using some good opium (and a lot of guns failing that). While they were at it, they trolled the fuck out of each nation they favored by making them convert to the British way. This included insisting that everyone drive on the wrong side of the road, speak the Queen's English and wear suitable attire. They also installed bureaucracies in every government and private institution that would provide enough red tape to ensure that the natives would never get restless, since they'd be preoccupied trying to throttle Gupta for having them fill out a form in triplicate to get a fucking train ticket. British people would express their pride through the phrase "The sun never sets on the British Empire." On 27 December 2008, the sun set on the British Empire at precisely 15:58.
Fortunately, the Germans managed to fix this problem. Germany and the United Kingdom remain good friends and drinking buddies to this day.
It is important to remember that during the Empire Britain often sent its shittiest, most criminal, and most religiously crazy people to the colonies (Canada, Australia, and U.S.A respectively). This included aspies who thought smiling was evil and that belt buckles on hats were the height of fashion. These idiots were better known as Pilgrims and later Amerifags. Due to the shame of what it had created the British Empire was forced to suicide after its bastard child pretended to help it in WWII.
Because of Britain's activities in sending degenerate Irishmen to their colonies to fuck like beasts and outbreed the local population, resentment has been simmering against Britain around the world for some time. In particular, people in Africa seem upset about some stupid shit that nobody really understands, some unpronounceable African dumbfuck word called apartheid, including the grandfather of the incoming President of the United States. Some argue that Obama, in classic nigger tradition, will send his homies to pop a cap in the UK's collective ass as retribution for what it did to the father of the father that abandoned him as a baby, but this is mostly speculation.
Teef
The foremost way to identify a Brit living in America is by checking his or her teeth, especially if you're a girl and are about to stick your tongue into what could be a vat of Jenkem. This form of identification only works outside the state of Kentucky.
The lack of dental hygiene and care of the typical UK citizen should not be dismissed as nit-picking just because when compared to the rest of the world they don't seem so bad. Britain, after all, as not a Third World country and a major player on the world stage, should command a modicum of respect.
The leading cause of tooth decay in the UK is cock, since all Brits are faggots and spend all their time and money on their twink b0iifriends. When faced with the choice between spending money fixing a tooth ache at the dentist or guzzling their partner's cum, a Brit will go for another face rape every time. It's not that the UK doesn't have heterosexuals; it's that there isn't any good looking pussy for them.
However, it should be noted that, unlike in America, dental care is free to people aged under 18. Oldfags must pay £16.50 for an examination and over £9,000 for actual treatment. The money raised by the dentists is invested in the candy industry.
Crime
Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being Cricket), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as Big Brother is banning everything from nuclear weapons to spiny plants. Law abiding citizens are left to be escorted while going to the market. This brings great lulz to Amerifags as they are all armed to the teeth, and helping each other out more often than those dirty Somalians kill each other.
How to Troll (Slightly irritate) a British person
Repeat what is said in the quotation marks.
"Oi, (the britfag's name), you wo'ah go down 'the chippy 'n' get summin' ta eat?" (Do you want to go to the chip shop for some food?)
The britfag should become enraged at this stage.
"Ah'bout a nice cuppa 'en?" (How about a nice cup of tea then?)
British people are very sensitive around the subject of their cups of tea. At this point the Brit should be rolling up his sleeves ready to challenge you to fisticuffs.
While pushing the Brit, repeatedly say, "You Wot? You star'in? You fuckin' star'in 'en?!" (Incomprehensible bollocks)
Bonus points if you constantly shout "BLIMEY!", "I SAY!" and "OH I DO BELIEVE I FANCY SOME SCONES!". This will cause the Brit to shit rage bricks. Watch out for his scolding hot tea. Also, if you're a resident of dur United States you will need to practice your English accent as yanks are naturally shit at accents and you will find yourself being laughed at while a bunch of Brits make fat american jokes in convincing american accents.
See Also
- Britchan
- Britain's Got No Fucking Talent
- Chav
- CheekyBen
- Daily Mail
- Dragon
- England
- English
- Europe
- Gary Glitter
- Heather Howland
- Londonistan
- Margaret Thatcher
- Mornington Crescent
- North Britain
- Northern Ireland
- Numberwang
- Prime Minister Gordon Brown
- Princess Diana
- Susan Boyle
- The English
- The Royal Family
- Tony Blair
- Wales
