Secks
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
- "Fuck" redirects here. FUCK redirects to RAGE. For the mental conditions, see Sick Fuck and Bureaucratic Fuck.
Sex (as defined): Something you will never experience as a wiki user.
Sex, also known as "sexy time", "girly yum-yum", "fucking", "poon tiggity tang tong", "hide the sausage", "breeding", "snatching the snizz", "rape", "raep", "Splashing in her Gash", "rayp", "hanky-panky", "that thing I fap to but never experience", and "making (sweet, sweet) love", is primarily a bodily function with the purpose of perpetuating the survival of the species and, more appropriately, to ensure that ones AIDS contaminated gene pool continues to remind future generations why Hitler wasn't so off the mark in attempting to genocide the blight on evolution and humanity that is the Jew. Possibly the best thing ever. Best to be had with someone you just met and do not care about at all, like your mom.
Remember: Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you're not getting any...
MOST IMPORTANT: JESUS IS WATCHING YOU. HE SEES EVERYTHING. HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING. NEXT TIME YOU ARE HAVING TEH SWEET, SWEET SEXY TIME... REMEMBER THAT JESUS IS WATCHING YOU. ALWAYS. RIGHT NOW TOO.
NOTE: your hand does not constitute sex and, in fact, means you're gay.
In its superficial form, sex is an act of passion and love and can occur in a variety of modus operandi including IRL intercourse, Internets sex and phone sex (from fapping to "dirty talk" with a loved one to inserting an iPhone set to "vibrate" into the anus or vagoo and calling it repeatedly on redial). Things such as chemistry, beer, chloroform and sex toys can be used to enhance the sexual experience for both parties - or groups up to 500 620 over 9,000 but usually involving random numbers and statistics.
It is also something you will probably never have, because you looked it up on ED, and much like the editors of this (incredibly short, pointless and crap filled) article, you're here instead of actually having sex. However, admitting to being a virgin will lead your peers to shun you so relentlessly that you may be driven to An Heroism so as a public service, ED presents the following video primer:
Contents |
If you do it, here's how it happens
Your first experience with sex may have been catching your parents going at it when you were too young to understand what you were seeing and reported it to your homeroom, but it is more likely that it was at the 'hands' of said parents. It is important to note that this in no way ensures you are their child.
This is what sex is like for your parentz.
According to one of TIME Magazine's recent number statistics, only 4% of Americans have never had sex. Coincidentally, they all were avid users of the internets.
This video gives you a proper view of what really goes on during sex. Beware the money shot.
Don't worry if you are too young
If you are too young and you think your parents may catch you try:
- Doing it in the car
- Doing it in the public toilets
- Doing it on the roof
- Doing it at school (but not in athletic sheds--you will be caught)
- Doing it at a friends house
- Doing it outside in a muddy puddle for lulz (If you decide to do this, take pics pl0x) and make sure that she is the one that is on the bottom, as to keep yourself as clean as possible
- Doing it at grandma's house
- Rubbing your cock so hard the skin begins to come off
- Comparing your uncircumcised cock to an elephant trunk
- Measuring your cock.
Sex life
Sex life refers to the period of time (usually 6 months) in a relationship that both parties have intercourse with each other. The life, more often referred to as decline can be seen below.
- Month 1: 60 intercourses, 20 blowjobs
- Month 2: 50 intercourses, 20 blowjobs
- Month 3: 30 intercourses, 10 blowjobs
- Month 4: 10 intercourses, 2 blowjobs
- Month 5: 3 intercourses, 1 blowjobs
- Month 6: 1 intercourses, 0 blowjobs
Due to the declining nature of sex life, and the hormonal need for males to reproduce, cheating always makes perfect sense. PROTIP: cheating is a great way to generate lulz. cheat on your wife and then tell her about it during an argument while she's bleeding from her vagina, the lulz will be almost unbearable! The lulz will be especially great if you show her the videos and or pictures you made while cheating on her.
Myth: Marriage resets sex life to month 1.
Truth: Being a nerd brings your sex life to month 0, and you will be unable to advance. EVAR.
Methods
- Rough Sex
- In the ass
- Chicksor!
- Covered in Vomit
- Fellatio
- Online
- Fuck Sandwich
- Lick my pussy
- Queening
- Surprise sex
- Necrophilia
- Phone sex (Almost IRL)
- Rimjob
- Threesome
- With rope
- Gangbang
- Buttsechs
- Teabagging
- Olympian Yoga Fucking
Gallery of sex
 Ghey Secks. |
 No Comment. |
 Mario doesn't know how to sex people up. |
 For great justice... |
 Please- not so fast! |
 Guess what she did. |
 Probably the best things you can do or say to get into a girl's pants. Take notes guys. |
 Nice n' Juicy. |
 Earsex in action. |
 Claudia and Dorian Thorn having sex. |
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 These girls are correctly prepared for sex. |
 Anyone who claims that sex is beautiful lies. |
 Plenty of clothes? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Outside in broad daylight? Check. Plenty of lube? Check. No intimacy? Check. |
 Hugh Hefner, eat your heart out! |
External links
| Secks
| Science Theory
Albert Einstein • Balloon Boy • Bill Nye • Theoretical physics • God • Existence • Evolution • Global Warming • Look Around You • Memes • Richard Dawkins • Computer Science III • Large Hadron Collider • Apophis • How is babby formed? • The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz • Schrödinger's cat • Zero Division Proven by Science Tree Hugging • Cubic Time • God hates fags • JEWS DID WTC • No girls on the internet • Raelism • Scientology • Trepanation • Alternative Medicine Science in Action Drugs! • Sex! • Creationism! • Fire! • Uranium! • Lens flare! • Diabeetus! • Heart! • Electricity! • Thiopental Sodium! • Lead! | 
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