Failbook
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| ED is back on Fæcesbook. You can join and lurk moar until they kick us off again by joining here. |
Failbook (alternatively known as fakebook, fagbook, faecesbook, MyFace, FacePoop, Facefuck, FailPoop, Facepalm, facebukkake, Wastebook, RapeBook, Myspace 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Facebleed) is a Web 2.0 site cornucopia of uselessness originally designed to connect school classmates and allow college graduates to find drug dealers. It, however, is now open to everyone, and greedy Jew Mark Zuckerberg wants 15 billion lollars for it. Facebook is most often used to stalk classmates and also co-workers.
Contents |
Applications
Facebook 100 years ago allowed external applications to be installed within profiles, making them moar money and as painful to load as MySpace pages. But only easier to block. These applications range from the pointless Daily Horoscopes and RIGHT NOW I'M LISTENING TO BURZUM on Last.fm to click farm data harvesting "games" Farmville, mafia wars, mafia wars clone.v2, mafia wars clone.v3, etc etc. Especially the 'E-Mail adding list,[1] add me [2]!' threads on the discussions as these will allow a wily user to gather hundreds of 'friends' relatively quickly
The Honesty box 'feature' allows anonymous posting to people's profiles and other pages. Trolling opportunities are rife. Armed with a dozen accounts one could easily convince an especially weak willed individual to go on webcam.
The cream on the cake however is the multitude of applications involving pirates, zombies, ninjas, vampires, wizards. No one is quite sure what the purpose of these applications are, however, if your close friend /ex/ local stalker "Bites" you then you must respond, ASAP, Now, Quick, otherwise...nothing happens. However, if you do respond... Well.... Nothing happens. Be warned! Just because she bit you, means it wound be rude not to bite her back IRL.
Causes
Failbook wants you to feel like you're actually contributing to life on the planet, rather than just wasting your precious time filling out surveys that no one cares about. To wit, they've allowed 'Causes', which is the trendiest way to pretend to care about something.
Stalkerbook
The most prominent use of Facsistbook is to allow people with no social skills to stalk people that go to the same school as they do. People will post just about anything about themselves on there, from the names of their cats to photos of themselves having fun. Of course, this can be used for good, too.
This also allows the U.S. Government to stalk you as well, which makes sense, considering FACEBOOK IS ISRAEL ONLINE/jews pedophile furries. This makes sense, given the obvious connections between founder Mark Zuckerberg --> Jew --> CIA --> JEWS DID WTC.
Bleeding edge stalking technology
On September 5, 2006, Facebook added an A+ feature called Feeds. Any time a user changes, adds, or removes data on the site, this act is broadcast to a feed which all their friends or classmates can read. The main feed is presented on the home page of the site as soon as users log in. For example, if you
- Post a comment on a picture in some drunk chick's album telling her she's hot
- Leave a drunken comment on your ex's wall
- While drunk, change your mind about coming out and remove "officer in Campus PRIDE" from your activities
- Change your Current Status to "OMG SOOOO DRUNK"
- Confirm that you'll be drunk at an event at a particular location and time
- Tag a picture of yourself and your friends drunk and in an awkward position
Then everyone at your school will instantly be notified as soon as they log into Facebook!
This is A+. On this hallowed day, thousands of collar-popping date-raping fratclones were dumped by their orangeskin girlfriends for cruising skeeze snatch in photo comments, an activity now publicly viewable to all in the news feed! REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF SEPTEMBER, IN OTHER WORDS NEVAR 4GET.
Serious drama
By the evening of September 5, a number of groups opposed to the various changes had appeared on Facebook, including Students Against Facebook News Feed. At 7pm EST, the group had 11,000 members. By 9:30, it had over 30,000 members and was adding a staggering 20 members per second. By about 10:30, the clip had slowed to about 4 users per second which would be sustained overnight.
 10:26pm: 42,460 16 year old girls |
 10:27pm: 42,689 Internet Law majors |
 Statistics from this nerd |
The group hit 100,000 members at 2:15am Eastern, by which point all communication occurring was from basement dwellers saying shit like "oh man the last two hours of my life were spent watching this group to see when it rolled over 100,000....its like new years only better" and girllovers posting hundreds of pictures of Dakota Fanning over and over and OVER AND OVER. In a crude variant of the fifty Hitler post, a Texas user named Jonathan Cunningham or simply "The Rape Kid", continuously posted the word "RAPE" at least 100 times in every thread for over 2 hours.
By September 7th, there were over 700,000 members angsting over the use over the word "gay" in a 1,000+ discussion thread, because the internet is serious business.
If the group's growth continues merely at a linear rate, by midnight on 9/11 it will have 1,712,786 members, ranking in population ahead of Philadelphia as the 5th largest US city. If it were a real city, it would have at least one million additional pedos waiting for several hundred thousand clones of Dakota Fanning to make the first move.
Idiotic Art Theft
Because copyright means nothing, and people think it's much more fun, and easier, to steal things from people who post things on DeviantART and y!Gallery then doing the honorable thing, and stealing them from Viacom and Microsoft, large amounts of fantard clubs have been formed revolving around posting stolen fanart on the site, both in the fantard clubs, as well as all over their user pages. Mostly yaoi related, and the occasional furry, the art pours in by the hundreds, no sources, no credits, the posters too lazy and stupid to even bother taking the artist's watermark, which happens to have their contact information, off of the picture. The comments that go with the pictures, "OMG!!!1!1!!!!11 SO HAWT!!!11!!", referring of course to anything, a stick figure, or the best piece of art in two thousand years. Upon finding adequate "proof" of the art theft, showing that it is from a different person, because the watermark is not good enough, you can finally report it to the facebook staff. Now, after spending the last 30 minutes smashing your head against the desk for doing a favor for your friend who's art has been stolen, getting the adequate proof that they need, they inform you that you must cut through the 3 miles of red tape, and follow the simple 299 step copyright report process. Please note, the copyright report process must be done via e-mail, you must provide your Date of Birth, name, address, phone number, social security number, bank account number, PIN number, all credit and debit card information, and your soul. Upon completion of this, a friendly staff member will take a look at your case in approximately 8 years, when Facebook has already been closed down for copyright violations, not THOSE copyright violations, but the fact that the founder was a fucktard and stole the idea from someone, or whatever.
zOMG boycott
Predictably, a number of online petitions and calls for boycott sprang up. Though most of the boycott calls were amusingly posted on Facebook, one srsly TL;DR one was posted on Blogspot: http://daywithoutfacebook.blogspot.com/
Presented in anarchist red and white text on a black background, the authors urged readers to refuse to log into Facebook on 9/12, which is the day after 9/11.
Albeit ugly as hell, the author was at least wise enough to realize having the bajillionth "FUCK FACEBOOK Boycot Group" is redundant, as Facebook would then be required to boycott Facebook. Time paradox.
Media Sharkfrenzy
At about 10:30 EST on September 6, 2006, the story hit Slashdot, driving tons of furry traffic to lame sites whining about Facebook which I left out of this article. Around the same time, TL;DR editorials started appearing in college papers picked up by Google News.
By morning, snarky posts comparing the "revolt" to 1960s anti-Vietnam demonstrations started appearing in blogs on prominent nerd sites like ZDNet and CNet.
By late afternoon, the story had been picked up by Time.com as a front page "what's hot" story. This was followed shortly by articles in the San Francisco Chronicle, Wired, and later in The Washington Post.
Response
Mark Zuckerberg posted an article to the Facebook blog at 1:45am the next day. It wasn't too contrite, though:
Of course, friendwhores make this all bullshit by friending everyone in sight. Because everyone is so used to adding friendwhores, it's easy to get yourself added by a victim. Problem solved!
Predictions
National news agencies, always eager for more online German teen drug sex stories, should shortly pick up the story leading to yet another round of hand-wringing over e-pedos and a statement from Joe Lieberman. This will quickly be followed by trite contrition from Mark Zuckerberg and a rollback of the new features to the disappointment of "ephebophiles" everywhere.
If the features aren't removed, a brisk market of Facebook account trading will spring up on eBay within days as capitalist Young Republican users sell their accounts to Catholic priests.
What Really Happened
Mark Zuckerberg set up an open letter of apology on 9/8 that allowed users to block the feed
The Corruption of Facebook: THE FAKEBOOK
A new use of Facebook is the creation of fake big celebrity Facebook accounts. This internet phenomena is popular on many community websites, and is know for the the name of Fakebook or Fakebooking. We hope the fucktarded managers of fakebook don't show more gay-ness and start deleting those accounts. General opinion is that Anonymous is to blame for the Fakebook accounts.
Other people also make multiple accounts to prove their point about something that no one else agrees with. For instance, four to six accounts were created in the span of about two months, all by a girl with no life named Jessy Kelleway. She did have an account under her own name, but she also made accounts under the names Melissa, Cassandra, Samantha, Christina, Rachel, Chantel, etc. Ironically, Jessy was not smart enough to realize that another person would not know the details of all the messages sent to someone under another account. This is how it is for almost all Facebook users who think they can get away with making fake accounts. Although some are smart enough to pull it off, many are not. Most of these people are either trying to hack people that they hope to make friends with online, or just attention whores. These attention whores, much like Jessy Kelleway, cannot spell. They claim they are good and decent people. They say they were almost raped/murdered at a party. And overall, they cannot spell to save their lives.
Fakebook Statistics
- 1 out of every 1 male Fakebook user above the age of 25 is a convicted child molester.
- 89% of all worldwide rape victims were raped because of information given out on their Fakebook news feed.
- By the year 2010, scientists believe that 2 out of every 2 Fakebook users will have either raped someone or will have been raped themselves.
- According to real statistics, Fakebook users have a serious mental inability to grasp and appreciate certain humorous concepts, such as CP.
Use of the Fakebook
Another use of the endless amounts of puppet accounts possible is for raids. Recently, a group has arisen with the dread name /i/. Notable members include Mitchell Henderson, Sandy W. Itchef, and Poonchief Mangina. The group has had great success in taking down a Megan Meier group and plans more assaults in the near future. The group kindly requests /b/lackup as soon as possible.
New Facebook
Starting in September, Facebook will be making the new Facebook the only Facebook. New Facebook is the same as old Facebook, except it looks completely different and has more aids. Facebook decided that since 20% of their userbase used it, they could cash in on the other 100 million users by forcing the new layout upon them. This was met with a large amount of petitions, groups, and butthurt, however Facebook knows what its users want and doesn't give a shit. A good example of all this butthurt is the faggots, who can't accept change for the better because they spent so much time on Facebook that they've become incapable of using anything but the layout from over 9000 years ago.
Scrabulous
Scrabble, but stolen - in violation of copyright - by some Mexicans and made very popular on Fecebook.
For some reason the company behind Scrabble, Hasbro, actually cared that their very old board game was being abused on Facebook, despite the fact that no-one makes money on Facebook, ever.
/fb/
Last Thursday, a group of 4chan namefags decided to form a group on Facebook. Composed of a small circlejerk of /b/ "veterans" and their sockpuppets, the 4chan Facebook group attempts to imitate /b/ by placing images on the photo album and commenting on them. The group's wall is comprised mainly of trolling, faggot bitching about Rules 1 and 2, rambling about what somebody had for dinner, or pretentious bragging about how awesome some obscure shitty band is.
Although the group creates a sense of standard by laying the banhammer on newfags who repost pictures, continuously leave idiotic commentary such as unfunny or popular memes, or generally fail at getting the point of the group in general, these standards are generally eased for people who have been in the group for a long time and who kiss moderator ass.
Other 4chan groups on Facebook
Typically comprised of butthurt failures who have been ejected from the main 4chan group and denied return due to the closed membership status there, other Facebook 4chan fanclubs are full of insurmountable fail, with lolcats constantly posted in the image section and memes repeated endlessly in the commentaries to an extent that makes a typical Monty Python and the Holy Grail conversation seem original. In other words, these groups are actually closer to the true, shitty nature of 4chan, except that most members are not anonymous.
Anti-ED Lulz
| —Unwitting pawn,, farming lolcows |
Obviously, Google can totally shut ED down. Just as soon as the FBI can permanently stamp out 12chan, right?
Yiff on Facebook and other groups to Spam and troll
That's right. Feel free to spam and troll the hell out of it.
Troll some Proud Italians. You can spam a lot of pictures on here and troll some Internet Tough Guys. If you just say to make some Olive Oil or Eat some Pasta, they will go batshit!
Fat womentrolling is easy. Just say any woman over the size of 8 are fat and have to lay off of the burgers from Burger King.
H4X0ring
Recently some oldfags managed to hack some internets about shit nobody cares about. This resulted in epic lulz throughout /b/ spawning ovar 9000 fantastically wonderful shit dumps on peoples failbook accounts.
Two or so lists were posted. These contained passwords associated with emails for the aforementioned internets. Since people are lazy fucks, these could be used to gain access to peoples phailbook and/or email through trial and error.
Two lists can be found here and here.
ED Facebook
Despite Encyclopedia Dramatica's constant claims that we are not /b/, this is taken to be a mere red herring for the denizens of Facebook. On November 10, 2009, ED's machine god decided to advertise the forums on the official Facebook page to attract hordes of new users and their sockpuppet friends to discuss enthralling topics such as The IRC fucking sucks and Trap Of The Year. What the machine spirit discovered on the page was not a discussion of how many girls wanted to suck our Sysops' cocks, but rather a collection of morons spouting memes and acting like mouth-breathing retards.
To set them straight, God spoke. And they listened.
Editor's note: If any of the people featured in these quotes attempts to remove them, I'll post the uncensored version.
| —Encyclopedia Dramatica in cruise control |
Shenanigans
Of course, ED Facebook, like the rest of ED, is not without its share of failed trolling attempts.
| —Some guy, pulling a 187 on your servers. |
Facebook Images
| Hall of Shame | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Serious Photoshops
Facebook stalkees also made hundreds of lame Photoshops. Some of the best:
| Facebook Gallery | |||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||
|
YTMND
- http://stalkernet.ytmnd.com/ -- predictable but warm and satisfying, sort of like Toad The Wet Sprocket.
See Also
- Facebook Usernames 2009
- Camp Rock
- OMG Illegal Facebook source code do not click!!!
- Anthony Stancl - Facebook gone wrong.
- Multiply
- MySpace
- MyYearBook
- Teenspot
- Friendster
- Yuppie
- Unrealistic expectations
- Latenightshots
- Orkut
- Facebook Groups
ED's Official FaceBook
External Links
- [3] - Standard means of accessing Failbook.
- Pretty well sums it up
- Rudy Guiliani's daughter, Caroline, was smart enough to put photos of her underage drinking on Facebook.
- lol facebook fight
- An open letter to Mark Zuckerberg
- Javascript bookmarklets to delete your info from feeds
- She's from fakebook! Add her and rape!
- SF Chronicle article one week later.
- Facebook Trauma on Yahoo!Answers
- Failbook burst onto the scene in December 2008
- Person complains about their job on a facebook comment and their boss sees it and replies to the comment, firing them
- Failbook's notes application leaks 'private' notes on 16,000 gullible lusers. Get 'em here
- How to Revert the Problem
 Failbook is part of a series on Web 2.0 | Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • PHP • Hypercube • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • User-generated content • ITunes Store
Web 2.0 Sites People of Web 2.0 |
|---|
 |
Failbook is part of a series on Trolls. |
|
