Raelian

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Best. Logo. Ever.

Raëlism is a UFO sex clone cult. You already want in, amirite?

Raëlians believe humanity (and all Earth life) have been created by an advanced alien race. They advocate free love, masturbation, condom use, atheism, above average IQ as a voting requirement, the unionization of all African countries, cloning sciences, clitoris education and preservation, Diabeetus and the use of Lens Flare.

Raël Himself

Excusez!

Nanu Nanu

I believe! Where can I join?

Claude was born on September 30, 1946 in France. Realizing he was a complete fag, Rael ran away at 15 to be a male prostitute named Claude Celler, and managed to move away from the cock to sell records. Madam Pipi (Mrs. Toilet Attendant) and Monsieur Votre Femme Me Trompe (Mister, Your Wife is Cheating on Me) are two of his greatest hits.

Before deciding to make shit up about aliens and volcanoes, Claude raced cars until the Elohim first visited him. He picked up the hobby again in 1994. When he's not fuckin' new age hotties or trolling world government, he plays a lot of video games.

Beliefs

In 1973 Claude met this John who offered to pay him in narcotics, and took him up on it. After seven steamy drug fueled visits inside a volcano, this mystery solicitor had Claude believing that he was Yahweh, a visitor from another planet and part of a superior race called Elohim. Claude certainly cracked when given large doses of hallucinogens , and kidnapped for free anal raepage. "Yahweh" convinced Claude to get in his "Spaceship" to have lunch with some of his fellow prophets, including Joseph Smith, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, Confucius, and Cthulhu. Claude was taught the following truths:

The Elohim came to our planet 25,000 years ago, and through the magic of technology turned our dead, lifeless dungball of a planet in to a lush, diverse ecosystem that supports billions of species.

God is a lie.

Fapping links you to the cosmos.

You should fuck anything with a wet opening as often as possible.

The Elohim shall return in 2035, to teach us their technologies.

Money you work hard for, to the order of 10%, is actually theirs.

Raël, as he henceforth decided to call himself, was given the task of creating an extra-planetary embassy. Rael has built this embassy in the outskirts of the hash capital of North America, and in his infinite knowledge and subtlety, dubbed it "UFO Land".

Raël's Girls

She has inner beauty, too.

Typical Raelian.

Raël saw how LRON was recruiting celebrities to join his cult, and was immediately jealous. Feeling guilty about the whole Aliens in Volcanoes thing, he refused to bite Hubbard's style any further, and Raël formed his own master plan to recruit a group of people much more useful to the particular needs of his budding movement. Prostitutes, pornstars, and strippers would have their own special place in the movement called Raël's Girls. Posing as a support group for industry women who have been mistreated, but wish to remain sex positive, the group recruits people who fuck for a living. Those sluts then recruit basement dwellers and daily fappers to a perceived lifestyle of sexual extravagance.

Order of Angels

Raël's own personal harem. Over 100 young girls have been chosen to give their beauty, both inner and outer, to Raël and the other 39 prophets, and the Elohim that will return with them. There are two classes within the order: White Angels, who serve Raël and his posse as servants, and Pink Angels, who function as concubines. It is likely that the three women who appeared with Raël in the October 2004 issue of Playboy belong to the Order. Those three women are his lover, his secretary, and the daughter of Brigitte, who you're about to meet.

Go Topless Day

Part political douchebaggery, part religious exploitation sold as liberation from sexism part fap fuel. On August 23, 2009 Raeliens worldwide took to the streets with the message that they weren't being whores hard enough and joined in a chorus tits or GTFO. Beardfag was there, and took time out from trolling Scilons in order to roll tape and fap vigorously. No coverage was provided in New York state because it's already legal to go topless there. There was also no coverage anywhere else because nobody gives a fuck.

Clonaid

Brigitte tells you like it is.

Since Raëlism rejects the idea of a supernatural creator, and denies the existence of an everliving soul, the movement looks to cloning as a means to eternal life. The movement gave birth to Clonaid in 1997 for the purpose of cloning human beings so they can "brain transfer" into younger bodies as needed (even Raëlians don't want to fuck Geezers). This Scientific wing of the church, run by Raëlian Bishop Brigitte Boisselier, is the faction responsible for trolling world governments through random claims of human clone successes. On December 27, 2002 Boisselier made the claim that the first clone baby named "Eve" had been born the day earlier. After promising proof, Clonaid took no serious effort to provide it. They continue to pull this stunt every few years when their recruitment rate slows down. Raëlian trolling history highlights:

December 26th, 2002 in Florida. Birth of Eve. Caused America and France to outlaw the practice. serious business.

Claim a cloned baby is born in The Netherlands, causing the Dutch to ban human cloning.

Claim a cloned baby is born in South Korea, who immediately bans cloning with a ten year prison term.

Created the RMX2010, which does nothing but costs 10k. Clonaid lent one to a British Museum, but wouldn't let them open it. Very secret Magical Alien Technology, you know.

Operation Condom, in which a Raëlian trap drove around in a pink van and handed out 10,000 condoms to Canadian Catholic high school students.

Began baptizing new Raëlians inside of St. Peters Basilica in Rome, successfully trolling Catholics and tourists the world over.

Participated in the Rational Response Squad's Blasphemy Challenge on YouTube.

Clitoraid

Clitoris Cosplay

Raël's success has made him a little bit of a philanthropist these days. Money for nothin' and the chicks for free have convinced Raël to give back to the world, through Clitoraid. Clitoraid seeks to repair the Clitorises of women who had their Clitorises forcefully removed, especially in Africa. After working one Clitoris at a time, Raël has decided even more Clitorises can be repaired if he opens "The Pleasure Hospital" in Burkina Faso. Of course this Clitorical project requires funding, so please, Adopt a Clitoris. ClitorisClitorisClitoris