The Colbert Report
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The Colbert Report is a half-hour documentary series on the successes of IRL trolling, as presented by the Master himself.
Also, whereas the The Daily Show is hosted by a pompous, unfunny liberal Jew, Jon Stewart, the show is hosted by Stephen Colbert, a /b/tard in NORPs' clothing, whose on-camera persona is a cross between a pompous, neocon blowhard and an ignorant, racist libertarian. He is actually a moderate Catholic in real life, so this is clearly a PoMo television persona heavily steeped in irony.
It also differs from The Daily Show in that it doesn't so much lampoon news and current events, presenting its predictable lulz as actual, relevant serious fucking business for mature, sophisticated Liberals, as does Jon Stewart; rather, The Colbert Report takes the news, molests it, disfigures it, mocks it and fucks the shit out of it before sending it to /b/ for additional flavor.
However, despite everything, Stewart and Colbert have remained very close over the years.
A more cultured viewer may notice that The Colbert Report is like a better, funnier version of Chris Morris' "The Day Today" or "Brass Eye".
tl;dr he does it for the lulz.
Pet Peeves
Colbert regularly campaigns against liberals, who he regards as the cancer that is killing America. Other things that Colbert currently has ON NOTICE! include:
- Distractions
- Jane Fonda (Fantasies)
Black Hole at Center of GalaxyThis would be your lucky day, if time existed inside you.- Grizzly Bears
- Journal of Paleolimnology
Israeli NewspapersPARDONED
And amongst things currently dead to him are:
What he likes
But Colbert is no one-dimensional troll who hates everything; things he likes include
- TOW, which he regards as being responsible for Wikiality, and which he uses as his personal army
- White Jesus
- Oxycodone
- The fine people and products of Prescott Pharmaceuticals, including WikiNex, guaranteed to fix the anything they fucked up in the first place (side effects include Wandering Bladder, article editing, and butthurt).
- The heroes.
- Doritos
- Rule 34 of Archie comics and Garfield
- FURRIES!
Colbert Trolling
Trolling Billo The Clown
Colbert has a love/hate relationship with his mentor Papa Bear O'Reilly. In early 2007, Colbert once again whipped out his ground-dragging brass balls to take Billo The Clown to the mat on his own show after blowing him. After that, Colbert made O'Reilly lose The Game during the interview. He also stole Billo's microwave from the Fox hospitality room and still hasn't given it back.
For his part, Papa Bear returned the favor and appeared on Colbert's show where he was promptly pwnt again. Google for the link cos Viacom are Nazis when it comes to Comedy Central clips on YouTube. LOOP HOLE
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/81003/january-18-2007/bill-o-reilly
Trolling Politicians
He also frequently trolls publicity-hungry politicians and the Congressional Districts they represent when they agree to appear on the show's "Better Know A District" segment. However, in early 2007, after unprecedented amounts of butthurt and fail were experienced by the Democratic party, the head of their national caucus issued a warning for Dems to steer clear of Colbert and his show.
Almost immediately, Tennessee representative Steve Cohen ignored the advice and went on the show to be ræped by Colbert by asking him whether he's "the first Jew from Tennessee" and whether his claim that he has "the voting record of a black woman" means that he is, in fact, a black woman.
One of his most epic wins in this department came when he persuaded Florida Congressman Robert Wexler (D) to endorse cocaine and hookers on camera since he was running unopposed for re-election.
| —Wexler |
| —Wexler |
| —Colbert |
| —Wexler |
| —Colbert |
Giant Balls Of Steel
But his finest moment in the IRL trolling department came at the 2006 Associated Press White House Correspondents Dinner, where he stood on the same podium as George Bush, with about three people separating them, and raped Bush. Here is the ruin in three parts.
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Previous Video | Next Video |
Personal Army
Colbert has a vast personal army of fanbois and girls called The Colbert Nation. This loyal following is willing to do Stephen's bidding without question. For example, in January, 2007 Colbert was disrespected by a Canadian Jr. League Hockey team, the Oshawa Generals, when their fans threw Teddy bears on the ice after beating his adopted team, the Saginaw Spirit, on home turf - General Motors Center. Feeling he was insulted, he urged the Colbert Nation to download GM's 150 page annual report to throw on the ice during the rematch at Saginaw.
The John McCain Greenscreen Challenge
Republican presidential candidate John McCain is so uninteresting to the American public at large, that Stephen Colbert recently issued the Colbert Nation a challenge. That challenge?...to make McCain more interesting via his Greenscreen Challenge.
Zombie Version
Star Trek Version
Gray Ambition
Colbert and TOW
Colbert had always been held in high regard by many ED and 4chan users for having many lulzy jokes on his show. However, on his August 1, 2006 show Mr. Colbert went above and beyond the call of ED duty when he urged viewers to vandalize TOW.
His beef was Wikiality which he describes as TOW's version of (user driven) "truth" as opposed to what is actually true. He explained that on Wikipedia "any user can change any entry, and if enough users agree with them, it becomes true." Thus, he argued, it would be easy to solve many of the world's problems if TOW reflected the "truth" to say there were no problems.
To prove his point, he urged the Colbert Nation to change the "endangered" status of African elephants to being off the endangered list by going onto Wikipedia and edit the article on elephants so that it would say: Elephant population in Africa has tripled over the past six months.
The Wikipedos shit their pants as at least 1,000,000 people added the lulz to all the articles on elephants and crashed all of their servers. They ended up banning him out of spite. Even more awesome is the fact that what he posted on Wikipedia actually came true. [1] Thus proving the objectivity of TOW.
Wikilobbying
Colbert also has beef with what he calls "Wikilobbying" which he described as "when money determines Wikipedia entries, reality has become a commodity", alluding to a case where Microsoft got busted for hiring someone to "pretty up" their TOW entry. He also bagged on "Self-determination", where corporations are allowed to act out their fantasies online by editing their own Wikipedia entries. Colbert described Wikipedia as, "Second Life for corporations", saying if a sleazy corporation wants to pretend to be squeaky clean online, then that is their business.
ED Approved
The Colbert Report gets the Encyclopedia Dramatica seal of approval for thoroughly pwning Wikipedia.
| HEY THERE! Hey, The Colbert Report! I saw what you did with TOW I just wanted to say keep up the good work |
Canadia's History/The Beaver
On the February 4th, 2010 show, Colbert had a piece on Canadia's 'national magazine' which -for about a hundred years- had been called The Beaver. Apparently, they had to change the name since The Beaver's online version kept getting blocked by Internets pr0n filters.
After the publisher changed the name to Canada's History Colbert decided that bold action was in order and commanded the Colbert Nation to go to Urban Dictionary and make entries for "Canada's History" to define the most depraved sex act imaginable.
The Nation responded, not only by spamming up UD but taking the hijinx to TOW's page on The History of Canada.
| —Colbert |
Sauce: Go to 03:03.
The Stephen Colbert Hid
He also successfully engineered and led a Colbert Nation [4] campaign to have a new bridge in Budapest named after him by flooding an official Hungarian government website [5] with bot generated votes for The Stephen Colbert Hid (bridge).
Although he handily won the naming rights in two rounds of voting (final results can be seen here [6]), the Hungarian government sent their Ambassador to the United States (ya rly) to The Colbert Report where they proceeded to weasel out of the deal by pointing out that the fine-print necessitated that he not only had to be fluent in Hungarian but he also needed to be dead [7].
Upon hearing the news, outraged Hungarian Colbert Nationalists stormed the Hungarian Parliament, demanding that Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany resign after it was revealed he lied to the country about Mr. Colbert in order to win re-election last April. [8]
As of this writing, the stalemate over the naming rights and the resulting riots has all the hallmarks of a serious International Incident. Accordingly, United Nations Supreme Leader Hugo Chavez, [9] has ordered a peacekeeping force to the areas to kill the Jews.
Call 1-888-OOPS-JEW:Colbert & Jews
After it was recently revealed to him by a scientist that since he's of European stock, he has a 75% chance of being an Ashkenazi (German) Jew, Colbert re-installed his special phone line to allow his Jewish "friends" to call him to apologize during their ongoing Days of Atonement holiday.
As of yet, no Jew has apologized for pwning Jesus or 9/11 but this is expected since jews are too busy counting their jew gold to apologize.
Colbert has also created some butthurt from audience Juden with a shooped image of a fake airline called Air Aryan ("the airline with the most overhead arm room sponsored David Duke") and a Holocaust denial comment directed at Jews whilst roleplaying Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:
| — |
Stephen Colbert '08
Last Thursday, Stephen Colbert announced on The Daily Show to John Stewart that he is running for president of the USA.
| —Stephen Colbert |
Later on The Colbert Report, a much more prestigious show, Stephen announced that:
| —Stephen Colbert |
He has entered the primaries in South Carolina as part of the "Favorite Son". For many of his 13-year-old fans, this was the first time they encountered such hilariously edgy humor, though MAD Magazine has done this shtick since the 1950s. Old meme is old.
A possible combination of bumper stickers might be:
It is also suggested that people write him in for President in '08. As many as possible. NIGGER GOT ELECTED.
Colbert's original intention was to run in both the Republican and Democratic primaries. Due to "the man's" fascist federal election laws, Colbert was required to limit his campaign spending to $5,000 to avoid getting a free one way ticket to meet Bubba. The Republicans wanted $35,000 from him to file his intent to run. The Democrats wanted $2,500. Needless to say, Colbert's ambition to lose twice was quickly killed, and he submitted to the Democrats.
Last Thursday, the South Carolina Democratic Party's Executive Committee voted 13-3 in favor of keeping Colbert off the ballot, stating that he is not a "nationally viable" candidate as he is only running in one state. The truthiness of the situation: they're just shitscared that over 9,000 people would vote for him and make them all look fucking retarded.
Speculation is that next week Colbert's giant sand-dragging brass balls will announce their intention to be running mates on an independent ticket. They're currently polling higher than Dennis Kucinich and that douche from Law & Order that isn't Sam Waterston.
Colbert Pwns 2007
December 20 2007: Colbert kicks the shit out of Harry Potter author J.K Rofling, and Global Warming's The Internet's inventor Al Gore by being picked as AP's Celebrity of the Year 2007.
As discussed, Colbert's sand-dragging balls did not even do an interview. Instead he sends this out via an undisclosed titty bar's free Internets service:
| —Stephen Colbert. Nuts hanging Low and swinging. |
Galactic Overlord of Scientology
In March 2009 Stephen Colbert officially announced that he has overthrown Lord Xenu as Galactic Overlord of Scientology. His first order was for the Colbert Nation to go to NASA's website and vote to put his name on the International Space Station. However, Xenufag Anons that were still flogging the old, dead horse that was Chanology were already planning on having the ISS tagged as XENU so Colbert's orders were a poke in the eye they had on the prize. To counter Colbert's "dick move" the Chanology leaderfags who delivered the original "Message to Scientology" vidya threw down a YouTube fatwa on Colbert.
Colbert's DNA shot into space
On September 8, 2008, it was reported that, no matter what happens to the fucktards on planet Earth, Stephen Colbert would ultimately live on, proving once again that he is better than you. This is thanks, in part, to less-than-important video game designer Richard Garriott, who is being shot into space at over 9,000 mph. He will travel to the International Space Station, which has been good for practically nothing, except that Garriott will use the space station to shoot Stephen Colbert's hot load of impressive DNA into space so that, just in case some alien race finds it, Stephen Colbert and the human race can live on.
| —Stephen Colbert |
Important Links
- The "Colbert Nation" fanboy site: your one-stop shop for all things Colbert.
- STREAM EPISODES HERE
- Stephen Colbert's own Wikiality
- Make your own on notice board!
- Make your own Threat-Down list.
- Video! Colbert explains Wikiality and advocates vandalising TOW for great justice and elephant rights.
- Video! Colbert trolls TOW again.
- Video! Stephen asks Wikipedia's Jimmy Wales about Miltopia's ban.
- Video! Stephan asks craigslist's Craig Newmark about hooking up with bears.
- Video! Colbert pwns W at '06 White House Correspondents Dinner.
- Video! Colbert explains GooTube - the Google/YouTube merger.
See Also
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The Colbert Report is part of a series on Trolls. |
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 The Colbert Report is part of a series on Fox News | Allies
Glenn Beck | Ann Coulter | Matt Drudge | Sean Hannity | Mark Levin | Joe Lieberman | Michelle Malkin | Rachel Marsden | Bill O'Reilly | Karl Rove | Rick Santorum | Rod Wheeler Enemies of State Anonymous | Al Gore | Barack Hussein Obama | Emos | EXTREMIST FAR LEFT INTERNET HATE GROUP | Fred Phelps | Hillary Clinton | Hugo Chavez | The Internet | John Edwards | Jon Stewart | Keith Olbermann | Liberals | Macaca | Mexicans | Logic | Osama Bin Laden | Rachel Maddow | Ron Paul | Stephen Colbert | Terrorists Buy A Dog | Corruption of LOL | Exploding Van | HACKERS ON STEROIDS | INTERNET HATE MACHINE |
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