Metal (music)

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Like the points on a pentagram there are 5 styles of METAL

Click on one of the below categories to expand its content.

Heavy  •   Power  •   Glam  •   Symphonic Goth Metal  •   Black

Same difference.
Heavy metal is often mistaken for music, when it is actually made of fail and Aids. The "lyrics" are always about elves, pixies, dragons, suicide, Satan, getting grounded by your mom, hatred for girls who won't put out, murder, and shit nobody cares about.

Metal is usually mistaken for emo "music", but there is 1 difference. Emos cut themselves and 'metalheads' cut other people and themselves. <center>

 
“ 		 
Okay, so Judas Priest fans are buying heavy metal records, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem?
  		„
 

—Bill Hicks

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Black Sabbath's debut album has a 'scary' cover!

A short history of metal plus other "important" stuff

Heavy metal: where any one-balled, short-dicked, ass-faced, shitheaded, cock-sucking, motherfucker with a guitar can make a band.

Thanks for all the AIDS.

Black Sabbath released several shit albums that sold well to angst-ridden teens. Then Ozzy took lots of drugs and became the pathetic croaking dwarf-man-thing he is today. Black Sabbath paved the way for more gay-ass bands like AC/DC, which eventually helped the genre 'evolve' into something awful:

  • Pantera went from EXTREMELY gay glam metal and moved to the "listen-able" hell that is now "groove metal".
  • Judas Priest gave metal its gay "fashion sense" and also made some of its fans commit suicide, which was the only useful thing ever done by a metal band.
  • Metallica came along and shat on metal with all their might and created "thrash". However, they decided to ass rape Napster so much so that we have to pay for music so that Lars Ulrich can have a fucking gold-plated shark tank next to his cesspool full of semen. The shit they played was very inspirational to bands like Pantera who proceeded to spawn shit-for-brains metalcore bands and pollute the world.

TL;DR METAL WAS MADE BY DICKS WHO SHAT TOO MUCH, RECORDED IT, AND CALLED IT "MUSIC".

Power metal fans think their music is hardcore when it's really shit.

Power metal is the Juliana Wetmore of the metal world, and is made by mixing good,traditional metal music with homosexuality. Since it is so hideous to listen to (and is rumored to have AIDS due to the inherent faggotry), most people with any common sense cover their ears at the very mention of it. Every power metal song, whether 3 or 30 minutes long, consists of a few necessary ingredients. First, a drum machine must be used because no human is capable of playing the exact same drum beat for every power metal song evar. This makes it even shittier IRL. The guitar tracks are also sped up.

Power Metal Fashion

Typical CD cover.

Power metal bands are often LARPers or are otherwise involved in cosplay, and never seem to be out of costume. Their hair resembles that of a gay hippie - in other words, long and messy, but styled with shampoos that cost at least 100 dollars a bottle. You know, because that's really metal. The singers wear pants similar to what emo/scene kids wear, in an apparent effort to try to lure them away from the depressing emo market and draw them to the S0 EP1C!!11!!1 world of power metal.

Power Metal Fantards

The power metal fandom is rather small, since most people recognize that the music is TL;DR and gay by nature. Power metal fans are normally fat aspie basement-dwellers with neckbeards, and the rest are 13-year-old boys who will soon descend into the same fate. Many are LARPers and the rest play World of Warcraft. Many do both. These people claim to connect with the shit lyrics because it's so much like their lives.

Power Metal Lyrics

Word count on DragonForce's Inhuman Rampage CD.

If you thought emo poetry was bad, just read this shit. The lyrics are the same universally, talking about fire, flames, glory, the sky, heaven, dragons, battle, swords, and allusions to buttsecks. This copypasta should explain some of it. Below, some examples are included for your enjoyment.

  1. You have one goal: be epic.
  2. Let no sound be lonely. If there’s a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there’s singing, make it a choir.
  3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
  4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
  5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
  6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
  7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
  8. You are allowed to be blonde.
  9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
  10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don’t get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Iron Savior has sci-fi. Edguy has fat people. Blind Guardian has Tolkien. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
  11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
  12. Ballads are permissible.
  13. That doesn’t mean your ballads can suck.
  14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
  15. More solos means more epic.
  16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
  17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
  18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
  19. ‘Grim’ and ‘necro’ don’t apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
  20. Power metal depends on power chords.
  21. 16th notes are the only notes.
  22. Unless you’re singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
  23. Keyboards get solos, too.
  24. If you can’t be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
  25. Actually, don’t be Timo Tolkki.
  26. In case you didn’t know, “symphonic” is synonymous with “epic.” See rule #1.
  27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done “epic,” there’s always room for more.
  28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
  29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as ‘mighty’ without being laughed at. Much.
  30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
  31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it’s not catchy, it’s harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
  32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
  33. Tight. Pants.
  34. You don’t have to detune your guitars.
  35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
  36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
  37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
  38. Fortunately, you don’t need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
  39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
  40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
  41. It’s not a tour, it’s a crusade!
  42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don’t worry about them live.
  43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don’t use words like “majesty,” “glorious,” “magical,” and so on.
  44. Wizards! You need wizards!
  45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
  46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
  47. Come to think of it, don’t be Manowar.
  48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
  49. Songs don’t begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
  50. Hail true metal!
  51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
  52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
  53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this. See Dawn of Destiny for an example.
  54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
  55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
  56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
  57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
  58. Drugs aren’t metal.
  59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
  60. “Flagons of ale.” It’s appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like “dragons,” so you score extra points.
  61. Since you can’t get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
  62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
  63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
  64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
  65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
  66. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
  67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
  68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
  69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won’t realize your band has a bass player.
  70. Just because you don’t play black metal doesn’t mean you can’t use Tolkien.
  71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
  72. Never leave Europe.
  73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan and colonies of Wapanese may be counted as part of Europe.
  74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
  75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can’t afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
  76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren’t epic enough to justify a live album.
  77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
  78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
  79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren’t actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
  80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won’t be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
  81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
  82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
  83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
  84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
  85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
  86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
  87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
  88. At your first gig, if you feel a “rising force,” do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
  89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
  90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
  91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
  92. Sing along.
  93. Don’t get caught singing along.
  94. Glitter is not epic.
  95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
  96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
  97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they’re Stratovarius.
  98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you’ve bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
  99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
  100. To repeat: be epic.
  101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.
Typical hair metal band (in this case, Poison). Try to guess the genders.

In the 1980's there was a trend called "hair metal". The bands all had hair that was looked like this. Yes, a genre of music can be defined by its bands' "hairstyles". Unsurprisingly, the genre was gay, with every band member a transvestite. Many useless and untalented bands such as Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, Mötley Crüe, and Quiet Riot got popular during this time period. The music was played badly and the lyrics were about snorting anything that would create some kind of high. Can't you just feel their passion for music? Luckily the trend faded out quickly. Today, these hair metal "musicians" make crappy TV shows on VH1. Interestingly enough, glam metal bands usually fucked in terms of actual record sales.

Judge all symphonic goth metal by this image.

...is some shit I have never heard of. Here is a list of other types of "metal" that are some scenekids meager attempt at being non-conformist by finding some almost-but-not-quite-underground "genre" of music and talking about it to say hey look at me I listen to non mainstream shit music that is good, but you are not cool deep enough to understand. Sludge metal, drone metal, metalcore, melodic death metal, melodic metalcore, thrash metal, nu-metal, doom metal, gothic metal, groove, progressive, alternative,vegetarian progressive grindcore, death, rap, speed, comet, cupid....etc

There is already a perfectly good article on this, see Black Metal.




How Metal started

100 Years ago, a psychedelic band known as Iron Butterfly popped up with the Hippies. They made a few tracks and got big Last Thursday because of their 17-minute song, In-A-Godda-Da-Vida. Unfortunately for this band, despite 'In the Garden of Eden' having been released around '66-'67 fanboys and fangirls refuse to accept the band to be the first along the lines that Iron Butterfly is basically a Hippy band, and will claim any of the following were the first: Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Motorhead - with Black Sabbath leading in the polls. However, in a fateful air-hockey match in the year of nobody cares, the wager was whether Black Sabbath or Whitesnake invented metal, and Whitesnake won. A severe case of butthurt has incapacitated the Black Sabbath representative and a rematch has yet to be scheduled.

How to attain fame in metal

HAWT
Not gay
  1. Have a desire to "Stick it to The Man".
  2. Album name: make it sound like something out of an Americunt fantasy manga.
  3. Name your band after a serial killer/murder/faggy made up olde english term thats supposed to sound dark and evil
  4. Beat on the bass drum like hell and shit over the snare and cymbals really fast.
  5. Strum the same guitar note repetitively.
  6. Roar like a Dragon.
  7. Sell your soul to the devil.
  8. Become society's bitch.
  9. Suck.
  10. ???
  11. PROFIT!
  12. make you and your band members all get the same fucking sleeve tattoos
  13. Have no shame in trying ridiculously hard to look and sound like your idols who try to look and sound like their idols who try to fucking look like and sound like THEIR idols

Metal fashion

Mostly leather and studs. Brought to the genre by the lead singer of Judas Priest, who was into gay sadomasochism. Seriously.

Heavy metal fans think of themselves and their fashion as "alternative", which is funny considering they all own the exact same black band t-shirts, leather trenchcoats, chains hanging from their pants, and stud jewelry. Heavy metal fashion is indistinguishable from emo, but don't tell your metalhead friends this or they will cry like babies or curb-stomp your head in, depending on whether or not you're/they're a pussy. On second thought DO IT FAGGOT.

Some Metalheads, Particularly Grungies and Nu-metalHeads Dress differently than normal Metalheads. Grungies wear Flannel, Torn blue Jeans and Converse brand shoes, and can be identified as metalheads by the Band tee-shirts (just instead of Slayer or DragonForce, they wear Pearl Jam or Nirvana shirts). Nu-metalHeads tend to combine the dress of the African American Slum Dwellers and that of traditional Metal heads. Look for Korn and Slipknot shirts.

Metal fans

Typical heavy metal fans.

Metal fans start off as spoiled upper-middle class teens who, for being mildly autistic and holding their rich dads cock too tight for too long, never managed to develop any social skills or sense of humor above that of a boy who’ve just reached puberty. In frustration over their life being a complete failure, they join up on the internet with equally pathetic souls in their very special teenage rebellion trend exclusive for IRL bottom-feeders: Downloading (1 metal and (2 south park episodes, shape all their views according to these then cry and masturbate each other how PC the rest of the world is, which effectively fulfills all the pubertal asspie desires of angsty rich kids.

The way to be an TRUE METALHEAD!!! Is to be a nonconformist. All you need to do to be one of the nonconformists is to wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, have the same hair, and act like all the other metalheads.

Most metalheads shit themselves when someone stereotypes metal as "all satanic" or "all screaming". After yelling at you for a few hours for sterotyping metal, they end their rant with, "At least metal is better than rap, all rappers are like, 'WAT UP NIGGAH! CHECK OUT MAH TEEF YO, I FUCK BITCHES AND HOES AND CUM IN THEIR THROATS." which is totally not stereotyping.

The majority of metal fans listen to metal and only metal. They will claim to listen to jazz and classical music also which both are actually in some metal. In reality they will probably own a couple of MP3s of Miles Davis or Holst, to which they listen to only after smoking profuse amounts of pot. They only claim to listen to these styles of music in order to give their tastes some kind of validity, as many would say their favorite genre is some of the worst fuck ever shat out of mankind's ass.

Oh but there are a few troubled souls that never grow out of this cool fad, These champions and goal achievers so often end up working at some shit job and coming home to a fat "girlfriend". In conclusion metalheads who don't GROW THE FUCK UP end up being losers and fail at life.


What they achieve

Worst guitar solo ever!

You can spot a metal fan in a crowd too!

Black metal! Get it? Oh God where am I going with this ...
Best Metal Performance 1989.
Why Manowar 'loving' fags worship them.(Manowar fans probably fap off to this pic daily)
Trolling "True Metalheads"

Everyone else can, so why don't you do it too!?

  • A) Long hair
  • B) Fuzzy eyebrows so huge that you could hide a shit worth of fuck in there
  • C) Usually an Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, or some other shitty band t-shirt no one cares about.
  • D) Ugly
  • E) Would either get raped in prison for being wiry and girly from the back, or, if of the large-and-burly physique, be doing the raping.
  • F) Randomly burst out in a "death" or "black" "growl" or "scream" when excited; just in case a passerby might mistake their giddy behavior for being ADHD and/or that of a 12 year old girl emo.
  • G) All of the above

If you see any of these qualities in the person, proceed to IRL troll them using the following methods.

Ways to troll metal-heads IRL

 
“ 		 
Okay, so Judas Priest fans are buying heavy metal records, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem?
  		„
 

—Bill Hicks

He hates religion! Hardcore!
Alice in chains, clearly the heaviest not metal band of all time.
  • This works on all of them: tell them that you're happy Chuck Schuldiner died, and reap the benefits.
  • Mention any christian/white/unblack metal band.
  • Tell them that the pit at the Blink-182 show you just went to was way more intense than the pit at the at the Morbid Angel concert. After they go batshit insane, inform them that metalheads are really just big softies.
  • Fuck that last one. Just mention anything they don't listen to.
  • Say that Deathcore is considered metal.
  • Mention how you always confuse Ozzy Osbourne and Donnie Osmond.
  • Say that Job For A Cowboy is a metal band. This goes with the Deathcore style, but it makes them look like pretentious pricks since Job For A Cowboy are now death metal.
  • Mention any screamo band.
  • Make fun of Jason Becker.
  • Ask what their opinion on Grunge is. If they say it is metal, say that they pulled most of their influences from Punk and Alternative music, and some had set out to destroy (successfully) the Pop Metal of the day. If they say it is not metal, ask them about Soundgarden, Alice in chains and Tad. Bonus if Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden is brought out.
  • Tell them to bathe and cut their hair (try this over the Internet, as just listening to their screaming after this is a real fuck too much for any normal person.)(also, don't try this with nu-metalers, or Alternative metal heads, as they are most likely bald.)
  • Say Yngwie Malmsteen was a shoddy guitar player.
  • Make fun of Immortal.
  • Complain about goths and imply that they are one.
  • Make the peace sign with your hands instead of the metal horns at concerts (only for professional runners).
  • Accuse Slayer of stealing its name from that Buffy show (even though the Disney film they did steal their name from (Dragonslayer) is actually more embarassing).
  • Remind them that Metallica lost a Grammy to Jethro Tull for Best Metal Performance.
  • Tell them that all the black metal players stole their look from KISS, Arthur Brown and Alice Cooper.
  • Make jokes about the death of Cliff Burton.
  • Compliment their favorite band and agree with everything they say. Just WATCH their facial expressions. NOTE: Only works with hyped fans.
  • Tell them that metal is emo.
  • 2 words: Limp Bizkit.
  • Tell them Megadeth is the worst, most overrated band ever. This is 100% guaranteed to send them into a rage since all metalheads would suck Dave Mustaine's dick if given even the slightest chance. That bit about sucking Mustaine's dick is just the mark of the fucktard.
  • Compare every metal song you hear to DragonForce.
  • Tell them Cryptopsy's latest effort is their best yet.
  • Say that the majority of metal songs are just smashing power-chords. Then say that all metal bands always use power-chords.
  • Tell them that they're not real metalheads (if you're in a metalhead group).
  • Say Metallica likes goatse.
  • Say Slipknot is the best metal band evar.
  • Say metalcore is the best.
  • Tell them that the Jonas Brothers are better than the bands that they like.
  • Show them what the Krautfags think of all this:
  • Tell them Necrophagist writes crappy music (say its too slow).
  • Search for any George Kollias or Flo Mounier drumming video and post that My Fears Have Become Phobias by As Blood Runs Black has the fastest double bass of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!
  • Tell them death metal growls are for sissys
  • Ask them what Dimebag Darrell and a cheese grater has in common
  • Tell them that Kirk Hammet is a faggot
  • Tell them that Iron Butterfly was the first metal band.
  • Say that Opeth writes simple music.
  • Metal bands like to drop tune their guitars to the loosest tension possible (tension equivalent of the ligaments in an Asian male's penis whilst flaccid). Metalheads claim this is used to create "dark", "grueling" and "heavy" tones. In reality it is because any band who plays metal lacks harmonic sophistication and can't play for shit in general. Exploit this knowledge.


An Effective Way To Troll metal-heads OL

This article by Dr. David Thorpe on metal is sure to piss off the trvest of kvlts.

Metal

"Hey," a lot of people have said to me, "you never make fun of metal. Does that mean you like metal?" No, it means I can't fucking stand to listen to metal long enough to make fun of it.


I tend to scoff at those unfortunate philistines who utter things like “rap isn’t real music,” or “R&B is pure crap.” I tend to scoff at a lot of things, but those guys get deep scoffs, from the diaphragm. Genres are far too broad and diverse to be encompassed by such generalizations, right? I want to believe that no genre is inherently bad; most of them are quickly ruined by musicians, but the genres themselves contain some spark of an ideal that can’t be corrupted. I try to make myself believe that, but one thing always gets in my way: heavy metal.

I’ve never found the metal counterexample. If there’s one metal track out there that disproves the notion that all metal is complete fucking crap, I’d absolutely love to hear it. I would rest easy for the remainder of my days, comforted by the knowledge that my jolly, populist theories about music were confirmed. I’ve been searching for a non-horrible metal song like the Holy Grail, but whenever I find a cup to drink from, my face melts off like the Nazi in The Last Crusade.

And no, metalheads, I’m not referring to the awesome power of DragonForce’s face-melting riffs. You’re an idiot.

(Let me define my terms here: bluesy hard-rock protometal like Zeppelin or Aerosmith is not what I’m talking about; that sucks for overlapping but nonidentical reasons. Nu-metal and rap metal are arguably even worse than vanilla metal, but they’re not the subjects of this article. Particularly, I’m referring to anything from Iron Maiden onward: 80s British shit, thrash, death metal, black metal, power metal, et cetera ad nauseum. Maybe not hair metal; in retrospect, it had its moments.)

But in my futile longing to grasp that modest chalice, I’ve suffered quite a bit of metal. I used to think it was my fault that I found it so unfathomable. I wondered if some mental defect kept be from enjoying this vast cornucopia of music, from the troll-worshipingest death metal to the sword-swingingest glory metal, and everything between. I couldn’t understand Pantera, I didn’t get Iron Maiden, and I couldn’t fucking stand Metallica. As I grew older and more confident in the fact that most people other than me are idiots, it became clear that the defect wasn’t mine.

In all these years, I haven’t seen a single satisfactory shred of evidence that heavy metal doesn’t suck completely and utterly. I haven’t heard any metal band isn’t composed of stunted adolescence, half-assed rebellion, tongue-in-cheek stupidity, masturbatory pap, tuneless dirge, juvenile morbidity, retarded sexuality, or some nauseating combination of those elements. I haven’t heard a single defense of its artistry that made a shred of sense. I haven’t heard a “serious” metal song that didn’t sound comical. I haven’t heard a fantasy metal song with anything fucking interesting to say about dragons. I haven’t heard anything, seen anything, read anything or met anyone who could convince me that metal, as a whole, is not artistically bankrupt, direly uncool, and irredeemably fucking dumb. Not most of it. All of it.

It’s based on a kind of stupidity that I find impossible to comprehend. It looks and sounds so fundamentally opposite to art that my brain reels when I even try to consider the idea of enjoying it. It’s so incomprehensible to me that I sometimes get the feeling that it’s all a huge joke that everyone else is in on but me.

Yes, I’m talking about an extremely vast, overarching genre encompassing countless subgenres and thousands of bands that I’ve never even heard or heard of. Yes, I’m talking about something I don’t understand. Yes, I’m painting the dumbest fantasy metal and the most intricate symphonic metal in the same broad stroke.

Maybe you listen to British metal from the early 80s, or you only listen to thrash, or you only listen to glory metal “ironically.” I don’t care. I’m saying it’s all stupid as hell. I’m saying you’re stupid as hell if you like it. I’m saying you’re stupid as hell even if, maybe especially if, you like it even though you know it’s stupid as hell.

It may seem like I’m shooting fish in a barrel here. Metal is, with a few exceptions, critically ignored and popularly derided. Aside from holdover metal stars like Metallica, the above-ground music press couldn’t give a single shit about metal; it’s music for misfit nerds, sociopaths, big-haired whores and mulleted heshers. Cool wouldn’t touch metal with a ten foot pole, and metalheads are so hopelessly uncool that they’ve developed their own laughable little chic around leather and headbanging. Despite all this, people continue to defend metal as an art and a lifestyle. Even people who “don’t take metal seriously” often take it really fucking seriously.

I consider myself a public servant, so it always fills my heart with pride when I turn someone away from their shitty taste. Unfortunately, this article can’t do that. Metal fans are simply too entrenched in their own art-killing quagmire to be swayed by any rational argument. Their synapses are too brutalized by bluntness to recognize subtlety ever again; real music may be forever useless to them. I’m not asking them to stop listening to metal. I’m asking them to shut the fuck up about it forever.

Stop tainting our discussions. When the grown-ups are talking about real music, stay the fuck out of it. If we’re talking about our favorite singers, we don’t care about how low your Christ-slaughtering Norwegian boyfriend can croak. If we’re talking about our favorite guitarists, zip up your stupid fucking mouth, because nobody gives a shit how fast your favorite metal guitar-secretary can type gibberish on a fretboard. “Pretend” that metal isn’t music. “Pretend” that metal is something else altogether, and that you have nothing to add to a discussion about music, because we’re talking about something entirely fucking different.

I only say “pretend” because “realize” might be too strong a word for these hopeless dorks.

Anyway: just leave us alone, weirdoes. Don’t even e-mail me to complain about this article. In fact, let me deflect some points you’ll try to make:

Millions of people in around the world love metal. 

   Billions of people think those millions of people are either insane or stupid. Shall we take a vote?


You just don’t understand the appeal of metal. 

   No, I don’t, and I’ve become content with that. I don’t understand the appeal of dressing up like a baby and pooping on oneself, either, but tons of people love it, and I don’t give a Texas shit why they love it, and their explanations will fall on deaf ears. Like metalheads, adult baby dudes are just plain broken in the head, and I don’t need them spreading their creepy pathology.


The metal genre is home to some technically talented musical virtuosos. 

   I have to laugh when I hear metalheads complain that some of the best pure musicians of our time are being ignored and neglected by the ivory-tower establishment just because they play in the metal genre. Here, it’s simple: imagine if William Butler Yeats only wrote poems about dogs eating peanut butter, and if he used only the same fifteen or twenty words in every single poem. People who espouse the shredding merits of metal guitarists and the double-bass technique of metal drummers crack me the fuck up. Maybe they also think books are better when they have lots of pages.


Symphonic metal is extremely sophisticated and carries on the tradition of classical music. 

   You can’t tell Frank Frazetta from William Blake. Congratulations, you’re stupid.


I enjoy metal because of its dark, creepy, intense aesthetic. 

   You have a mental age of thirteen. If your brain doesn’t process metal aesthetics as purely comical, then you’re truly beyond intervention. If you have even the smallest scrap of respect for any aspect of metal music, lyrics, fashion, or album cover art, you are so aesthetically stunted that you might as well be a spotty junior high kid drawing barbarian dudes with battle axes and huge tits on your trapper keeper. If you love metal for its capacity to shock old people and oversensitive Christians, you’re an immature halfwit who thinks that offending people is the same as making a point.


I just like the way it sounds. You can’t say your taste is better than mine, because it’s subjective. 

   Metal is so awful that it goes far beyond questions of taste. Liking metal is a mental illness, although I'm sure you'll wear that accusation with pride (don't). It makes me wonder what the fuck your parents did to you. You’re sick and I can’t cure you, so don’t waste my time.


I don’t take metal seriously, I just think it’s fun. 

   Search deep within your soul. Is there any part of you that takes metal seriously, even a little bit? Have you ever purchased a metal album with real money for any reason other than to laugh at it? Is more than 20% of the music you listen to metal? Is there any metal band in this world that you care enough about that you’d be sad if they broke up or died in a fiery car crash? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please reevaluate your taste before it’s too late.


As a frustrated and troubled youth, the metal community gave me a place to fit in. 

   Most of the worst subcultures in the world (gangs, cults, internet forums) thrive on accepting the lowest members of the social food chain. The fact that you were insufferable to anyone but metalheads doesn’t mean that there’s anything good about metal, it just means that dweebs tolerate other dweebs out of necessity.


I like metal, but I’m not a nerd or an idiot. 

   In fact, you are the worst kind of nerd or idiot: the kind that doesn’t know he or she is a nerd or idiot.


But here, listen to THIS metal song. It’ll change your mind. 

   No, dickhead, it won’t, and I resent the very fact that you think I might enjoy it.


What about Ronnie James fuckin Dio? You can’t deny the ROCK. 

   No. Stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

I hope I’ve made myself perfectly clear. Questions or comments regarding metal can be sent straight up your ass. Anything else can be sent to davidthorpe@somethingawful.com.

- Dr. David Thorpe



TL;DR


Sam Dunn's Metal Family Tree. use for trolling. Go nuts.

Metalheads are well known for being "hardcore" because they love music about gore and killing people and playing guitar the loudest way possible. Look at a Cannibal Corpse album. Notice the woman who has a monster ripping out her vagina.

Examples of a metalhead trolling

666xsacrifice: your such a poser!!1

  • carnal666demon: no u!!
    • 666xsacrifice: lol i ttly trolled u

A metalhead's response to somebody saying Queen is better than their shitty generic death metal band.

You're just a wanker who came and disturbed the wrong place! We are punks and metalheads and don't wanna hear your opinion about Vader (Which is a very good polish band). If you don't like death metal then don't listen to it! We don't like Queen and we don't listens to it! So fuck off your little Queen (Queer) lover and go fuck yourself! And I don't think any of your fucked up Queen fans can beat us! We are an underground society which stands strong so fuck you and your Queer crap!

The fucktard himself
This user did it for the lulz.
Of course, all metal sounds the same. Tell that to a metalhead in order to milk some lulz)
Wikipedia telling the truth about Bullet for my Valentine.

How to troll a metal community in LJ

It's very easy, all you have to do is follow these steps

  1. Go and join in a community called metal_mp3.
  2. Request or post MP3s of any screamo, hardcore, metalcore, and nu metal bands.
  3. ????
  4. Profit!!!11

After trolling some Norwegian motherfucker named necrognosis will come to your house and fuck your wife. Don't have a wife? He'll settle for a beloved pet or any children nearby. Then take all your beer and leave. He isn't expected to be around long; the community's owner, starfall_ will eventually shitcan him for kicking too much ass. This community only accepts wannabe black metal bands such as Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Immortal, as well as folk/viking/pagan metal and fem-fronted metal.

See Also

External Links



Metal (music) is part of a series on Music

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