College

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

what you have to look forward to at the end of it all

"College really isn't necessary," as explained in this unintentionally hilarious piece. PROTIP: It was written by a high school student

So, you're now 18 years and will be graduating high school soon, and are unsure what to do with your life. There's only one choice for you: COLLEGE! Yes, college. Because as everyone knows, unless you go to college you will wind up unemployed and homeless. Without college, you cannot possibly hope to accomplish anything in your life.

Colleges/Universities are famous theme parks where rich Jews, Whites, and Azns pay about $80,000-$120,000 Jewgolds in order to get that special Master's Degree or Doctor's degree so they can set out and change the world! Occasionally, one will come across a black or Mexican college student. However, these students are only attending school on athletic scholarships, and 99% of them will fail out or fail to go professional and be reduced to dealing drugs. Overly social white girls will go to college to whore themselves in an effort to try to win approval of their peers and become true beer sluts.

PROTIP: You gotta take the fucking ACT/SAT first.

Famous Colleges

Your typical proud college graduate.

A college student studying up for life.

• Harvard
• Drexel University
• STF U
• NO U
• MIT
• V Tech
• ITT Tech
• University of Phoenix
• NIU
• Delaware State University
• Kaplan University

College Activities

Lulz

Typical hazing ritual.

Here are some typical activities in which a college student might partake

• Drinking
• Drugs
• Sex
• Paying $200 for a book that costs $15 to make, only to not read it and get 5 dollars back for it at the end of the semester
• Masturbation
• Ramen
• Learning things that you already knew, or didn't need to know
• Wear khaki cargo shorts, corona t-shirts, and flip-flops
• Discovering that the majority of your professors can't teach for shit or even communicate effectively with other people
• Video games
• Sleeping
• Date Rape
• Studying That test is in three days, I'll be fine.
• Moar sex and drugs
• Skipping your morning class to finish writing a paper that's due for your afternoon class
• Moar drinking
• Paying an assload for room and board, only to get a room the size of a closet
• Moar Ramen
• Paying another assload for a meal plan, only to realize that the on-campus food sucks ass, dick, and balls (unless you go to Virginia Tech, but then it doesn't matter because you'll just be shot anyways)
• Realizing the corporate world doesn't need you.
• Moar procrastination
• Studying Dude, that test is still two days away, I'll be all right.
• Moar drinking
• WHAT THE FUCK?! I have a test in six hours? Oh Christ, I haven't studied and I'm so hungover!

Quotes

College Students

Typical male student-teacher relationship.

For the most part, college is really just a place where kids want to have sex and do drugs. This is probably because they never got the chance to bomb some vagoo in high school. Many of these aforementioned college students join a college band to greater increase their chance of scoring anal penetration with their illustrious jail bait.

Typically, college students are some of the most ignorant and shallow people on the fucking planet. Despite supposedly coming to school to learn, most college students are there to get STDs and become pregnant so they can sell their syphilis infested interracial baby to the black market to pay for the 100 grand in student loans they owe because they chose to go to a private school like Harvard. Little do most students know that babies with AIDS go for just a little over 9000 on the black market, still leaving them with staggering debt only cured by becoming an hero or starting a porn site where you give blowjobs to children with Down Syndrome while you shit out your nipples, since that is basically what everyone on the interwebs wants to see.

College students possess the "unique" trait of thinking that they will be able to do something productive with their lives. However, we all know that at least 100 out of 100 college students in this country are destined to get in line to suck Ronald McDonald's epic clown cock for the rest of their lives (srsly, what else did you think you were going to do with that Bachelor's degree in philosophy?)

Typical College Student

What a hawt girl looks like before college.

What girls look like after coming to college.

99% of college students will be smug, bi-curious, left-wing, vegetarian hippies who listen to shitty, pretentious, Indie bands, use Macs, do drugs, drink too much at parties in an attempt to look cool, major in philosophy or German history, and have unwarranted senses of self-importance. Or they can be Republicans.

The other 1% includes the makers of Google, Moot, and other makers of the internets. They also include almost all Presidents. You'll probably end working for one of these study-fetishists.

Freshman 15

The "Freshman 15" refers to the tendency of college students to put on weight in the freshman year thanks to all the free food. Lazers from unknown sources are fired at hot, nubile, bangable chicks when they enter college that turn them into massive cockmonglers of truly epic proportions at the end of the freshman year.

Art

A career that most rich whiteys living in the west coast take in order to "reinvent" the world of art. Kids who take a career in art find that spending a fortune for a couple of classes a year is a lot better then spending a couple bucks for a few instructional books, paint, art pencils, and some sketch books to draw their great masterpieces!

Death of "Talking"

Colleges students enjoy the thrills of the internets (read: not getting laid) and spend the majority of their time "talking" on instant messengers and "poking" people that would never EVAR sex them on facebook. This amount of social interaction has left them with chafed and bleeding penises from fapping too much to baby rape and anthro guro. Today's college students maintain a strict code of complete silence while in class. Contribution of any kind to class discussion is taboo; it's preferable to let the silence spin out for at least five minutes rather than answer when the prof asks for the definition of "plagiarism". Once class is over and the paralyzing fear of answering a question wrong in class has safely passed, college students are free to spend their pent-up communication skills running through their dorms drunk, naked and screaming as T-Pain blares from their roomate's Mac.

The Ugly Truth About College

The vast majority of four-year college graduates (except those going on to science, engineering, and law degrees, as well as those pursuing careers in hot gay sex) will earn less over their working lifetimes than someone who spent 1/4 the time and 1/4 the money getting an HVAC (Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning) certificate. That's right — the Mexican guy who fixes your A/C makes more than you, college boy, and has no student loans to pay off! LOL

• Sample salaries of college grads
• Sample salaries of HVAC workers

Though if you went to college, where they teach you how to suck cocks and cherry-pick data to get the results that match your preconceived notions, you would cite the correct statistics:

• Sample salaries of holders of a B.B.A.
• Sample salaries of holders of a B.S.
• Sample salaries of holders of a B.A.

Subjects worth studying in college

Commonly sighted

• Law
• Science
• Medicine
• Engineering
• Human trafficking
• Computer Science III
• Economics lol Bush accidentally the economy
• Journalism/Mass Communication HAHAHAHA WRONG TRY AGAIN
• Teaching Great refuge for former comm majors who want a second chance at life.

Subjects not worth studying in college

• Liberal Arts
• French History
• Gender Studies
• Art
  • except Graphic Design. See Advertising.
• Fine Arts
• Business
• Music
• Radio
• Literature
• International Studies
• Political science
• Philosophy
• Comparative religion/Bible Studies It's called theology retard.
• Theatre
• African-American Studies
• Hotel and Restaurant management
• Library Science
• Visual and Performing Arts
• Foreign Language
• Interior Design
• Creative Writing
• Social Sciences
• Agriculture
• Cultural Studies
• Conflict Resolution
• Leisure Studies
• Equestrian Studies
• David Beckham studies
• Parapsychology
• Doctorate of Philosophy in Ufology
• The Phallus (WTF)
• Surfing Studies
• Philosophy
• Queer Musicology
• Star Trek
• Golf Management
• Art History

Jobs open to those who go to college

• McDonald's
• Airline Pilot
• Helicopter Pilot
• 4chan mod: serious business
• Packing boxes

External Links

• A summary of 99% of the people you will meet at college. A pretty entertaining read, originally posted on Something Awful.

• Establishing Dorm Dominance Informative article on Resident Assistants or "dormitory landlords" from Triple Star News.

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