Marry Your Pet
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
MarryYourPet is a Dutch website which specializes in organizing unofficial weddings between people and their pets. By capitalizing the sick sexual desires of the furry fandom and zoophiles, they try to make them believe that what they’re doing could be legal some day.
Contents |
The Brains
Marry Your Pet was created by Dominique Lesbirel, an English freelance writer who discovered her love for animals when some catfood fell on her crotch and her two cats turned into muffdivers. Lesbiarel liked it so much, she married her two cats in a fake wedding ceremony, much to the chagrin of her crow and her goat.
Lesbianrel is helped by Matilda and Adrian, who seem to be experts in bestiality. Matilda’s the priestess who presides over the online ceremony. Adrian’ll answer the most twisted FAQ’s, like “Can I marry more than one pet?”, “Can I marry a pet of the same sex?”, “How do I know if he's the one for me?”, “What about the bad times?”, “Can I marry a pet if I’m already married to a human?” and “How should I ‘pop the question’?”
The rest of the site is done by Marco de Boer, a humble character who is described as a “twisted yet fun graphic designer who manages to run his own business profitably, whilst still doing exceptional creative work.”
Marco married a female cat with an identity crisis (she's called Thomas). After all, who wouldn't want to smooch fish-smelling whiskers instead of a wonderful vagina? (See photos of them below).
| —MarryYourPet.com |
MYP's Wedding Plans
They offer three basic wedding plans:
- The Simple Wedding: for $10 you get a lame certificate that states your paraphilia.
- The Big Wedding: for $35 you get the aforementioned certificate and a 'I married my pet' t-shirt "so you can show the whole world just how much you cherish your pet." Piece of advice: if you live in the Bronx, don't wear it, for God's sake.
- The Biggest Wedding: 50 bucks, you said? Ha! You'll have to pay $200 if you want a dreadful hand-embroidered, personalized wall plaque that rivals lemonparty or the tubgirl in its nauseating effects.
To top it all, all married couples can be embarrassed have their picture on the MarryYourPet Happy Couples page.
The Honeymoon
Do you really need to know more, you fucking pervert?
The Truth
Some rules of MYP, as well as their Disclaimer, try to imply that they don't encourage sexual acts between animals and humans. Nice try:
MYP's Rules
1. This is a contract between you, your pet, and MarryYourPet. It is not recognized by a court of law.
2. This union is a marriage of minds and companionship. You have no conjugal rights.
2.1 If you want to consummate the marriage, we suggest you both share some cake. If your pet has a food allergy then a pat on the head will suffice.
3. You are not allowed to mistreat your pet in any way.
3.1 You cannot make him pick up your pants, put up with your nostril hair or use him as a general dogsbody - even if he is indeed a dog.
3.2 Just because you have a friend for life doesn't mean you can let yourself go. You may not go around in a dirty vest, scratching your nether regions. You may not get excessively fat. Just because you live with a dog doesn't mean you can behave like one. The lid of the toilet must be kept down, always replace the top on the toothpaste. If you must clip your toenails in the lounge, don't leave them in the plant pots. You may not wear unfashionable clothes or tell bad jokes. You may not embarrass your pet at any time.
4 Marriage is for life or until your contract expires. You are not allowed to take the life of your pet.
4.1 If you're having a really rough patch then see a Marriage Guidance Counselor. If you still can't get it together then may we suggest either a shrink or divorceyourpet.com
Please note that your pet may be entitled to half your assets and regular financial support.
5. You cannot marry your pet just to get at his money. Your dog's money will remain his own even after marriage (unless of course he wants to leave it to us - call for payment details). This does not work in reverse however. With or without a marriage contract, once you've been living together for 3 years or more, your pet is entitled to half your house. (If he's peed in more than half the house then just give it to him. You'll never get rid of the smell anyway.)
6. It is the norm for your pet to assume your surname after marriage.
6.1 If you or your pet is not happy with this, that's okay. You can call your pet whatever you like. If in doubt, we're bound to have a few suggestions, but they probably won't be polite.
7. The decision of MarryYourPet is final. If we feel that you are too boring, sad or perverted for your pet, we will not give our consent to marriage.
8. Any infringement of the above will render your contract null and void.
8.1 If you don't play with your pet regularly, tolerate his nagging and allocate him equal TV time, you could be in infringement of your contract.
8.2 MarryYourPet is not responsible for any deviations from the contract.
9. MarryYourPet can change the rules at any time, especially if this gets us out of tricky situations.
| —Somebody named Margaret |
Marco and Thomas: A photo journal
"Marco (male furry) and Thomas (female cat [victim]) met in Hoorn, North Holland. Marco took her home on the next train to Amsterdam and they've never looked back. Thomas is clearly a good catch. She shits during dinner, hates women, and is anorexic if she doesn't get enough attention. Marco just loves her cheery 'good morning' calls."
 WTF? |
 Marco, 36 year-old virgin (With some exceptions) |
 "I thought you'd never ask." |
WTF? |
 "She'd have left if I didn't commit." |
 "How many partners have you had Thomas?" |
 "Does it count if the bride walks off halfway through?" |
 "How did you talk me into this?" |
 "Oh go on then!" |
 "Can't you just tell how much she loves me." |
 "Gosh, the postman. Could that be for me?" |
 "Oh my god, it's our wedding certificate, letter and t-shirt!" |
 "Hey Thomas, we're officially a couple!" |
OMG |
 "Am I showing off my devotion to my pet or just my biceps?" |
 "Leave me and I'll take half the house." |
See also
Links
Marry Your Pet is part of a series on Bad things to happen to animals
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Basic Concepts
Furry • Bestiality • Taxidermy • Animal Abuse |
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Opposing Concepts and Causes
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BestiLOLity in Action
Poeticirony • Crusadercat • Darkhorseman • Dracoguard • Esachasa • Mr. Hands • WolfJLupus • Chibiabos • Charles-wolfman • ShadoWolffess • Snover • Skylos • Marry Your Pet • Neuticles.com • Dalhusky • Cory Williamson • Abbie Hawkins | |
Why We Don't Have Nice Things
Alcohol • Alisa Kuzmenko • Michael Vick, a.k.a. Ron Mexico • Camrose Cat Killers • Chevy the Therapy Dog • Cheyenne Cherry • City glitter • LinktheWolf • Staredog • Tinkebell • Wang Jeu • Zeriara • Zippocat • NEDM • David Motari • "Mudkips" the cat • Bonsai Kitten • Japanese Bug Fights • Heaven • Kenny Glenn • Sasuke • Travis the Killer Chimp • Tyler Weinman • Marvin Morvan and Alex Teniola |
