Harry Potter

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A ritual as outlined in the books
Every Harry Potter fanboy comes with a dream. BTW YOU ARE FAPPING TO SOME FAKE TITS.
Typical fans.
Harry Potter first appeared in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Harry Potter is gay...substantiating evidence.
Hitler making his grand debut in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Harry Potter is a series of tl;dr fantasy and wish-fulfillment books about magic and wizards and shit written for children by British prostitute J.K. Rowling(a.k.a. Just Kidding Rowling), whose books are awful compared to those of other successful writers. Rowling lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. If you want to find her and kill her (which must be done with fire), ask someone in Edinburgh. The story of the books is centered around a young boy who discovers he has the power to destroy his cruel peers and family Columbine style - but does not, because he is indeed more humble and virtuous than Mary Sue. Rowling initially intended to use the books as a means to teach witchcraft and wizardry to young children, in hopes of raising an army to take down the Catholic Church. However, she soon discovered that her fans were incredibly stupid and would rather sit around writing horrible fanfiction and songs instead. Rather than accept defeat, Rowling decided to use her bitchcraft and become a quadrillionaire by selling the books and giving license to manufacture Harry Potter movies, video games, toys, board games, clothes, accessories, CDs, food, beverages, Baltimization, dildos, and condoms. And so, the story of the young wizard known as Harry Potter has since become a global phenomenon, gaining more popularity than both God and Jesus combined and suckering millions of retards such as yourself into buying this shit.


Contents


The Books

If you truly don't know at least a rough outline of the plot of Harry Potter by now, you've probably been living under a rock for the past decade...and your ignorance is enviable. Anyway, it's typical fantasy Mary Sue fare, with magic, dragons, elves and such, and good triumphing over evil. The series has a theme of Bildungsroman, a bunch of thinly veiled symbolism, and other such literary bullshit, but the majority of fans are only interested in fantasizing about the sexual relationships between the characters. So, for you lucky people who haven't yet been swept up in the whirlwind of faggotry that is Harry Potter, here's the general plot of the seven books:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Accurate summary of the first Harry Potter book.

Renamed Sorcerer's Stone in the U.S. as too many are retards who don't understand English, this is the book that started the whole mess. Ironically, the Philosopher's Stone has absolutely nothing to do with magic, but rather alchemy, which is just as fictional as magic. So there's this 11-year-old kid named Harry Potter who lives with his Aunt and Uncle cause some guy named Voldemort HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED (who's basically Hitler with magic) raped Harry's parents with a magic spell; so you already know the protagonist is going to be a whiny, emo bitch. Well, the kid finds out he's a wizard, and then Karl Marx takes him to a magic school called Hogwarts which is run by a gay old pedophile named Dumbledore. (Srsly.) Harry, despite an upbringing in a cupboard that ought to give him the physique and personality of a Fritzl child, is pukily good at everything at school, befriends a poor red-headed kid named Ron and an intellectual jailbait named Hermione, and the three go about doing magical things. Later, Voldemort, acting through an Arab, tries to get a rock with magical powers, but is beaten by three 11-year-old children. Unfortunately, Harry lives and the story continues.

Harry Potter and Chamber of Secrets

Harry returns to Hogwarts, and there's a bunch of drama about people being attacked. This book is kind of cool, as it introduces a giant, poisonous snake that can kill people by looking at them. The snake tries to pull a genocide by ridding the school of Niggers Gypsies Fuking Al Gore! Furries Jews? "Mudbloods", but fails to kill a single fucking person. Not to mention the fact that there is a sadistic tree with limbs that look like disproportional cocks, the tree also fails to kill both Harry and Ron. Later, it tries to kill Harry, but is somehow defeated by the visually impaired twelve-year-old (also see, sad). Voldermort pretends to be a book to lure Ron's little sister into his basement where I can only assume he used the monster snake to do what I can only assume is some hot hentai stuff. Unfortunately, Harry again lives and the story continues. Hmm, these stories could use a little moar seckz, amirite? This book made so little sense that they had to release a supplement in 2005, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

This one's pretty uneventful, despite all the furries. Dumbledore appoints a werewolf as a teacher, but he doesn't go crazy and kill any students, which sucks. Harry finds out he has a Godfather (not to be confused with a greasy Italian who will make you an offer you can't refuse) who was wrongfully convicted of several accounts of /jb/ /cp/, party v& and generally being a GTA badass. Ron's pet rat turns out to be a person (don't you just hate when you find out things like that about your pet?) and a follower of Voldemort but he escapes before Harry is able to wrap him in duct tape and shove him up his ass. Some shit happens and the rat gets away, but noone dies and the story (unfortunately) continues.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry competes in a tournament with a bunch of dirty foreigners, fights an furry dragon otherkin (in dragon form), and saves the day. Voldemort comes back with his group of Nazis Death Eaters Magic Nazis) and kills Cedric Diggory (yet he comes back to life as a wannabe an hero vampire. Wtf? Screw you, Stephenie Meyer you just couldn't leave well enough alone!) This is kind of where the books started to turn the corner, as Rowling starts to kill off the characters, making her fanbase (comprised primarily of pre-teenage girls and weepy gay obsessed women) cry for hours on end (which pleases me). Voldemort fails to kill Harry again, thus allowing the story to continue.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The scrapped idea for the final book.

tl;dr. Harry goes through a severe emo stage. Harry's godfather, Srs Black, dies. Fangirls BAWWWWWWWWWW. Sexy new teacher Dolores Umbridge molests the children by scribbling erotic messages in the back of their masochistic hands. Also, this book marks the introduction of HAGGER's half-brother, Grawp confusing readers further as to how the hell Hagrid was conceived. Luna Lovegood appears for the first time in this book, and /b/'s balls turn blue.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Half-CripPrince

For further reading on this topic, see The Great Dumbledore Dies Meme of 2005.

ZOMG!!1 SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!1! Then he rapes his dead body and uses the blood as lubricant It should be noted that since Dumbledore is gay, this makes Snape's killing a h8 crime. In this book Rowling stopped caring about canon couples and just decided to comply to the fucking fangirls (i.e. setting up Ginny and Harry), so this book is basically about everyone snogging everyone and then BAWWWing about it.

Also, Harry finds out that in order to defeat Voldemort, he has to find and destroy several "Horcruxes", which are objects that act as cheat codes (i.e. extra lives, pwning infidels)...but you know what? It doesn't fucking matter. Good is going to triumph over evil, Voldemort will eventually die, and everyone will live happily ever after.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Headwig the owl dies on pg 56.

For further reading on this topic, see The Great Deathly Hallows IRL Raid of 2007.

The final book in the series, and much more important than any other. This is because over 9,000 characters died in this book, increasing the lulz potential tenfold. Naturally, spoilers were released days before the global release, and the trolls came out from their mothers' basements in full force to ruin everyone's fun. Here are those spoilers now, representing the ruination of Potterfags worldwide:


  • Voldemort kills Burbage on pg. 12.
  • Hedwig gets fursecuted by an unnamed Death Eater on pg. 56.
  • George Weasley loses an ear.
  • Mad-Eye is shot in the face with a killing curse and falls off his broom, confirmed dead on pg. 78.
  • Ron cockblocks Harry on page 99. Harry, being the powerful wizard he has become decides that his relationship with his best friend is more important than going back to foreplay with Ginny.
  • Scrimgeour is confirmed dead on pg. 159.
  • Wormtail becomes an hero when his own silver hand chokes him to death on pg. 471.
  • Ted Tonks (father of Nymphadora Tonks) dies.
  • Dobby gets shanked by Bellatrix on pg. 476.
  • Snape gets bitten on the neck by Nagini, dies on pg. 658. Turns out he was good all along.
  • Fred Weasley gets blown up, dies on pg. 637 (Percy cries like a bitch).
  • Harry is pwned by Voldemort on pg. 704.
  • Hangs out with Dumbledore, comes back to life on pg. 724.
  • Voldemort's own spell backfires on him (WHAT A FUCKING NUB), unintentionally making him an hero on pg. 744.
  • Bellatrix Lestrange is killed by Molly Weasley on pg. 736
  • Tonks, Lupin, and Colin Creevy have their deaths confirmed on pg. 745.
  • The Sword of Griffindor can destroy Horcruxes because it has basilisk venom or some shit inside it.
  • Ron destroys Slytherin's locket with said sword.
  • Hufflepuff's cup was in Gringotts.
  • Ravenclaw's Crown was in the Room of Requirement, Goyle (hpfag!anon corrects plainfag!anon) Crabbe, sets everything on fire and kills himself.
  • HARRY WAS THE LAST HORCRUX OMFG!!!
  • Neville finally grows some balls, and cuts off Nagini's head.
  • Tonks and Lupin have a son.
  • Bill and Fleur have a daughter.
  • Ron has married Hermione, their two children are named Rose and Hugo.
  • Harry has married Ginny, their three children are named Lily, James, and Albus Severus. All were conceived anally.
  • Draco Malfoy has a son named Scorpius.
  • The final lines are, "I looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air."
  • Harry, a grossly fat middle-aged man who looks like Pruitt Taylor Vince, wakes in his cell at a psychiatric institution, discovering that the whole thing was only a dream, and begins to self-mutilate his forehead with a zig-zag cut.


But srsly, who gives a shit? Harry Potter sucks anyway.

 
 
when I read this leaked scene, I was truely traumaitzed for a whole day, I still am i bit, but my god I cried and cried and couldn't stop shaking.
 

 

Snapesnogger

Moral of the Story

How Christians view Harry Potter.

The moral of the final installment of the series is quite simple: if you become an hero, you will be magically warped to a seedy old station where you will meet a mutilated baby and an old hairy pedophile who will reincarnate you after preaching to you.

The Movies

In 2001, the movie version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philospher's Stone was released, and other movies were to follow. As always this just let the illiterate fuckers onboard the fantrain.

Key differences between the films and books include:

1) Hermiones House Elf fetish “SPEW” club is omitted, for family reasons.

2) Ginny’s stalkerism of Harry is also omitted, because it ruins the surprise of the later pr0ns scene.

3) The Weasleys never hood invade the Dursleys house in the fourth book, because having white people do that sort of thing just doesn’t look right.

4) In the films the four gay lovers who made the marauders map are never revealed.

5) The trauma that the Death Eaters inflicted on Neville’s parents with their inserting of their long wands up their asses is never revealed, and they are just left as dead.

6) The films are displayed in images displayed on a screen at 32 frames per second whereas the books were printed on paper.

The Vibrating Broomstick Debacle of 2002

Newsflash: girls love putting vibrating things between their legs
OMFG IT'S THE FUCKING GOLDEN SNITCH SNATCH!!!11one
Syrupy photo montage with disturbing caption: "Love me/Cannot help loving/he who destroys me"
Harry Potter and friends are the consummate goths and regularly go clubbing.

Mattel, joining in the feeding frenzy for Potter-related toys, released "Harry Potter's Nimbus 2000 Broom." Mattel could not offer a broom that actually flies, so they settled for making it vibrate. Future toy? The Golden Snatch.

Listed on Amazon, the initial customer reviews were a treasure trove of lulz. Though Amazon has since replaced them with dull reviews that say only that the broom is boring and not appealing to boys, the first reviews have been carefully preserved on many web sites. It 403s when you click it because the webmaster is a pretty lame guy. Eh rejects links from ED and does afraid of everything. Copy and paste the link, newfag.

  • "This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed."
  • "I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one."
  • "My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :)"

Fatal Imagery

This image led to the suicides of 63% of all livejournal users

In the summer of 2005, the ire of 16 year old girls was raised when multiple spoilers were clandestinely placed into several prominent LiveJournal communities. So many flamewar-induced lulz ensued that LJ Drama wouldn't touch it, citing that it was 'old as soon as it began'.

The direct result of these events was an overall increase in emo-style 'woe is me' journal posts by Fans, a feat once thought impossible by science. The overall sentiment was "when we said pictures plz, this is not what we meant." For more information, please see The Great Dumbledore Dies Meme of 2005.


GINNY IS A SLUT zOMG!!1!

The ship war to end all wars. Originally just a small argument in forum, it is now a lolwar between Hermione/Harry and Harry/Ginny.

Ironically, all female characters of the Harry Potter series are, indeed, sluts. Everyone knows Harry Potter is one big hormone-driven fanfic. Even Albus Dumbledore, the one wizard who Voldemort fears, has been known to join the fun.


Still, a great many mousy spinsters and 16-year-old girls spend their time dreaming up romantic stories about who in the Harry Potter universe is fucking who. Prior to the release of the 7th book, a central division between these literary scholars concerned itself with whom Harry Potter would end up fucking. One group believed that Harry Potter would end up fucking Hermione. The other group believed that Harry Potter would end up fucking Ginny. But there's always a chance for some group action.

Since the people who believed that Harry Potter would end up fucking Ginny have actual in-text justifications for their belief, they were unsurprisingly proven correct in the final book. The "Harmonians" (the dorky name the Harry/Hermione slashfic writers gave themselves) perceived this as a personal insult.

The insult was compounded by an interview given by J.K. Rowling to a Harry Potter fan site in which she kinda-subtly-but-not-really delivered a virtual clue-by-four to the heads of the people who really, honestly thought that Harry would end up fucking Hermione.

 
 
[..] I'm a relative newcomer to the world of shipping, because for a long time, I didn't go on the net and look up Harry Potter. A long time. [..] I had never gone and looked at fan sites, and then one day I did and oh - my - god. Five hours later or something, I get up from the computer shaking slightly [..]. ‘What is going on?’ And it was during that first mammoth session that I met the shippers, and it was a most extraordinary thing. I had no idea there was this huge underworld seething beneath me.
 

 

—J.K. Rowling

This led to a fandom meltdown of truly epic proportions as Harry/Hermione slash writers around the intarweb collectively blew a gasket. The resulting wankalypse could be felt as far away as several inches, and ended up producing such gems as the following:

If I had any children, I would also not let them read HBP. I just don't see how some people could not see the abrupt change in Hermione. Hermione is no longer a role model for younger girls.
In that same Yahoo group, I tried to start a thread about Christian symbolism in HP (before HBP of course). I feel so stupid now because it all went out the window in HBP.
I felt that Song of Songs mirrored Harry/Hermione because it had a theme of friends becoming lovers. (Don't get me wrong, I also saw the theme God's universal love for mankind... biggrin.gif )
Sadly, I will need a lot of prayers and meditation (and maybe some counseling). I was so emotionally invested in this relationship and JKR messed with it and threw it in our faces. I really need to get back to my faith in God. (I've taken it for granted for the past few months because of HP.) Don't feel sorry for me. It was all my fault.


You've got to be fucking kidding. J.K Rowling is now blamed on an extensive amount of Harry Potter fanfiction sites for "Torpedoeing" the H/Hr shippers ship. Torpedoeing is when the creator proves a way for a ship to cease existing, which did indeed happen and caused the rise of teenage girl suicides after "The Deathly Hallows" by 300%.

There was also a petition in which the signatories, completely divorced from any sense of perspective, demanded that J.K. Rowling turn over the writing duties of Book 7 to one of the fat 40-year-old female virgins who writes Harry/Hermione slashfic on the web. Because J.K. Rowling doesn't know her own characters well enough to write THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH OF HARRY AND HERMIONE BOINKING LIKE BUNNIES! And she doesn't realize that GINNY IS A SLUT! The fact that Hermione dated a Russian rapist who was three years older than her during the events of the fourth book isn't in the least bit slutty, by the way.

In addition, another petition was created demanding an apology and re-write under penalty of boycott (lol bullshit, like any of the rabid fans would miss out on the last book)

Grief counselors have been called in, to little real effect.

Gaia Online Faggotry

Moar Old media references

'Harry Potter' publisher gets subpoena to identify pirate From Bloomberg News

July 17, 2007

Scholastic Corp., publisher of the new "Harry Potter" book, obtained a subpoena to learn the identity of a California website user who allegedly posted copies of the final sequel, scheduled for release Saturday.

Scholastic said in a court filing Monday that "materials hosted on Photobucket.comcom's system" contain materials that infringe copyrights owned by Scholastic and J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. Photobucket.com, a News Corp. unit, is a website for sharing photos and videos on social networks such as MySpace.

The subpoena was sent to Gaia Interactive Inc. in San Jose seeking the identity of a user on gaiaonline.com, a social network, according to the filing in San Francisco federal court.

Gaia complied with the subpoena, removed the material and temporarily banned the user from the site, said Gaia spokesman Bill Danon. The postings included scanned material and a discussion of the material, he said.

New York Spoiled by New York Times

The New York Times reviewed the book, revealing spoilers for everyone reading the article (which is pretty much everyone). The spoilers even pissed off J.K. Rowling! -- But they probably just did it for the lulz, so it's okay.

 
 
I am staggered that some American newspapers have decided to publish purported spoilers in the form of reviews in complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers, particularly children,
 

 

JKR DIDN'T DO HP

The massive wow-factor of Rowling deciding to write the HP novels whilst being very poor, a woman and a mom has made many critics decide that the books were written by loads of people, designed to tickle the interests of young readers internationally. In approximately forty years, when profits become lower, many are expecting the big "JK!111" from Rowling.

 
 
... I had failed on an epic scale.
 

 

—Rowling on her earlier life.

Trivia

  • Harry's infatuation with the long wood pole called a broomstick began after spending many hours together with Ron Weasley.
  • The depth of information and commentary you see on the Encyclopedia Dramatica Harry Potter article outs many ED contributors as closet Harry Potter fans, known in the vernacular as fags.
  • Everyone who died in all 7 books had it coming.
  • Msscribe is responsible for more drama in the fandom than Snapesnogger and Tara Gillesbie combined?
  • Harry Potter is a fucking Gary Stu but his fans will swear by their books that he is not. Beware delusionitis.
  • Dumbledore is gay because a successful, intelligent, non married man cannot be straight.

Equus

Adding to the lulz surrounding the world of Harry Potter, in 2006, Daniel Radcliffe (star of the Harry Potter movies) decided to act in a play which required him to be completely nude. The story is about a troubled stable boy who gouges horses' eyes out before having wild sex with them in the hay. Anyway, here's some pictures, you sick fuck.

Terrible Bel-Air

Now this is the story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,
I'll tell you how I became a famous wizard of Britain

In Godric's Hollow I was born and raised
In a crib is where I spent most of my days.
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool,
And all oblivious I was goin' to wizarding school.

When a some dark guy who was up to no good,
Started killin' people in my neighborhood.
I survived one little fight an while my mom was clinging,
Said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Little Whinging."

I heard a motorcycle, and when it came near,
I said "fuck" because it was gigantic.
If anything I could say that this shit was live,
But I thought "Nah forget it, Yo home to Privat Drive."

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight,
and I yelled to Hagrid "Yo homes, smell ya later."
Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there,
Then I got married to Ginny and had three children named Lily, James, and Albus Severus on pages 753-759.

Unicorns Are Not Real & Other Obvious Phenomena

Dumbledore likes it in the butt!
Dumblewhore


On October 19, 2007 at Carnegie Hall in NYC, J.K Rowling publicly announced that Albus Dumbledore is gay. She claims this move was to help promote gay tolerance, which is obviously her only intention. This is clear when Dumbledore, the only (announced) gay character in the book DIES, proving once and for all that God hates fags. Incidentally, she only confirmed this in response to newsgroup discussions that had been about this very topic for some time beforehand, proving that there's nothing she'd change about her characters at the drop of a hat to keep herself in the spotlight.

Most of us already knew this, due to the flamboyant purple robes and all, but now all the Harry Potter fantards are either committing mass suicide or writing as many horrible slash fics as possible.

This means that Snape must really hate the gays if he went out and committed a hate crime by killing Dumbledore. That or he was angry because Dumbledore stole his gay lover.

This also means Chris Hansen failed at stopping Dumbledore from violating generations of children as he was the headmaster of a fairy school...or Snape IS Chris Hansen. This would be horrible for Snapesnogger, who is both very into Snape and a pedo. It would be great for the rest of us, as it would finally get rid of her. Sadly, this is unlikely. NEWS ALERT: Ian McKellen is now begging for the role of Albus Dumbledore!!!!!!!111


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