IMPORTANT UPDATE (MARCH 8, 2006): A MESSAGE TO CONSUMERS FROM MERD PHARMACEUTICALS
by Marcus T. Lomax, CEO

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IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES. THIS ADVERTISEMENT DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU WITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU COULD BE USING.

PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients experiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocular vision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation, cognition, osculation, extremes of emotion. For patients with coronary heart condition (CHC) or two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXA should be doubled to ensure that twice the number of pills are being consumed. PANEXA can also be utilized to decrease the risk of death caused by not taking PANEXA, being beaten to death by oscelots, or death relating from complications arising from seeing too much of the color lavender. Epileptic patients should take care to ensure tight, careful grips on containers of PANEXA, in order to secure their contents in the event of a seizure, caused by PANEXA or otherwise.

WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED

There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not quite as aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:

  • PANEXA should not be used as a physical aid to set a broken bone, as in the case of a splint;
  • PANEXA should not be used as a substitute for real human relationships; the tablets (and gel-coated caplets) are incapable of displaying any real emotion, and would prove to be dissatisfying friends or mates;
  • PANEXA should not be used to soak up spills or remove stains. This is disrespectful to PANEXA;
  • PANEXA should not be resold with the intent of generating a personal profit;
  • PANEXA should not be used a form of motive transport, as it lacks the government regulated (US DOT 1445/88-4557) safety lights and reflectors;
  • Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXAor moving to a state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is lesser;
  • Do not taunt PANEXA.

WARNINGS

Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXAwas found to cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently bending forward like a book slamming shut. While some other drugs promote similar responses (gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonic acid, cyclosporine, mustard gas, and acetomenaphin) PANEXA's reactions are over 48X as powerful and take place with a great deal more panache and flash. Also, PANEXA can contribute to developing inhumanly powerful tongue muscles, capable of licking through steel. Lymphatic System: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to six weeks, you still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosage every two (3) weeks until they are all gone.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN

Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid taking PANEXAor handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets. Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:Do not handle PANEXA tablets, containers, or related literature. If a PANEXA product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word "PANEXA." If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try and staunch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard about PANEXA. In fact, don't ever even think about it at all. Pretend you never heard of PANEXA, and never will. Drop this magazine immediately, and get the hell out of here as fast as you can. Go on, get out of here. You'll thank me.

If you should be aware of a pregnant woman who has handled PANEXA, attempt to warn the peoples of earth of the mind-numbing horror that is about to unfold. Also, drink plenty of liquids.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS

PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause Excessively Floppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect you may be suffering from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at 1-800-867-5309.

Pediatric use: Expired PANEXA may be disposed of by feeding to children in a bowl with milk.

SIDE EFFECTS

Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects, all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing that anyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical regulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or their sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that the remains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records are available. Some known side effects are:

Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kinetic balloon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs

Digestive system: explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter, withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable feces composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire

Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to you, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes 'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and 'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or some crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time

Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan cause a real live skeleton to be walking around inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jaw muscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder (MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get really thick and spongy (muppet-like)

Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of the lights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm, and can't hold a job to save your life; blue sweats; symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion to address everyone nearby as "Cap'n."

PANEXA is a registered trademark of MERD Pharmeceutical Group.