Marrying for Money
Smart Women: Marry for Money, Not Love?
Courtesy of Daniela Drake, Elizabeth Ford
By Mary Kearl
While you may know that love usually doesn't come with a guaranteed fairy-tale ending, you probably are still holding out for, or trying to have your marriage live up to, the idea of truly passionate and romantic love. Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake, M.D., authors of the new release "Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream -- And How They're Paying For It," are here to change your mind, or at least tell you why "happily ever after" hasn't quite happened to them.
Read as text only. Or scroll down to read the interview.
Click through the pop-up photo gallery below of suspected celebrity gold-diggers. Note: You'll need to disable your pop-up blocker.
Interview With "Smart Girls Marry Money" Authors
AOL Health: Can you explain the theory that your book is based on -- the idea that women will be better off in the long run if they marry for money?
Daniela Drake, M.D.: When we saw [how high] the divorce rate is, we had a couple of questions. Why are people marrying? In our culture, it's pretty clear from the time you're young, you're trained that romantic love is the highest ideal -- and the highest concept upon which you can base a marriage. I think that there isn't a person who would say, "Oh, I'm not looking for that." But when we look back historically, this was not the thing that had primacy in developing long-lasting marriages. When we did the history of marriage research, we found that it's really quite a new phenomenon over the last 150 years. And even at that time, when it came into the zeitgeist of the late 1800s -- that people should be marrying for these romantic feelings that they have for each other -- social commentators at the time were saying, "Well if people marry for love, when they're not in love anymore, they'll leave. The family will be an unstable unit." Even back then, they predicted that the divorce rate would go up to around 50 percent. So there's one piece of the puzzle.
Elizabeth Ford: "Smart Girls Marry Money" is about being smart -- in your individual situation. It's not about us looking back on our lives and saying "Oh, poor me." In my case, I was married for almost 13 years when my husband left. I was surprised, because every person who gets married doesn't think that they will be the one to get divorced. You believe in that enthusiasm of love and the rush of emotions that is the magic of romantic love. That your relationship is going to last forever, that divorce only happens to someone else. And when it does happen, whoever decides, for whatever reason that it's not working out, women are the ones who suffer far more financially after a divorce than men do. They're the ones who have possibly put their career to the side; they're the ones who normally take primary care of the kids ... There's a lot of different advice in the book. It's not just the title. It's not a gold-digging book, per se. It's not how to marry for money. It's about being smart in your relationship so that your security doesn't suffer and your happiness doesn't suffer and you choose a mate who will make sense with you financially.
AOL Health: So it's not about gold-digging?
Ford: Our culture accepts that men value women because they're beautiful, because they're young, because they're hot. So why can't it go both ways? No one ever says that a man is a beauty-digger because he wants a beautiful girl. Even though women are in the workforce at record numbers, we're not making the money that men are making. Men are making three times more money over their lifetime than women are. So why isn't it valuable for a beautiful woman to look out for her security at the end of her life? Of women who are alone at retirement age, one in five end up at the poverty level. So we realized, "Whoa, what's a girl to do?"
AOL Health: If the idea is that men are making three times more money, why shouldn't we try and change that?
Dr. Drake: We're not saying, "Give up." We're not saying, "Don't get a job." We should not just be looking for this ephemeral, magical thing that we've all been trained to believe will exist if you meet Prince Charming. The book is about being financially savvy in all aspects of your life. Absolutely, your job is your most important asset, but your marriage is part of the financial picture. What we're saying is that women have important assets. We are just as smart as men, we recognize that. We are just as capable. However, the workplace has been systematically unfair to women. Really, the most important statistic, over the course of your lifetime, is how much do you make? It turns out that because of women's role in society, we will make less money than men. We more easily do job transitions; we often take off work for our children; we often take off work to take care of family members. And unfortunately or fortunately, we tend to be the more flexible ones, so if your husband's getting a promotion, you'll take the lesser job.
AOL Health: Can you explain what you think is flawed about holding out for romantic love?
Dr. Drake: Romantic love is a kind of madness. It's been studied at UCSF [the University of California, San Francisco]. Helen Fisher [biological anthropologist and author of "Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type"] has completed a wealth of research on this topic. They have scanned people who are in love and found that the "in love" state doesn't really last more than 18 to 24 months. It's a fallacy that we should expect that romantic love, that kind of intense ardor, to continue. So, since we've been sold that idea, five years down the line when your husband says, or you say, "I want out because I'm not in love with you anymore," our society legitimizes that as a reason to get out. But divorce is very costly, and women don't recognize that, as they age, they're less marketable on the marriage market. They're less marketable in the work market, and maybe they should make that first decision not based on something as transient. Why are we basing our future on this?
AOL Health: Daniela, can you tell us how you've seen your theory play out in your own life?
Dr. Drake: I was raised to think of nothing else but go to work, get a good job. I've got an M.D. and an M.B.A. from top schools. I took that very seriously, but I was also on the hunt for romantic love. In fact, my own story was that I got out of my first marriage when I was "no longer in love" because I felt that I wanted the whole picture. And I look back and I go, "Well that was really stupid!" because I find out that the intoxicated, wonderful state of being in love doesn't last no matter how many times you experience it with wonderful people.
AOL Health: Would your relationship have been more successful if you had been going after a man who was more financially stable?
Dr. Drake: I really can't speak to that because I was so heady with the dream that I was going to make it on my own and find a great guy to share my life with. It never even crossed my mind in those days. I also would have said when I walked out of that marriage, "I'll make my own money. I'm not going to stay in this relationship that isn't meeting my desire for intense romance just because he's going to be rich." He, of course, did go on to be exceptionally wealthy. I, at the time, believed I would make it on my own.
AOL Health: What's your love life like now?
Dr. Drake: I remarried a man who I love very much who does not make a huge amount of money; he's an engineer. We live a very modest, middle class lifestyle. We live in Los Angeles, so basically just being here is like having a vacuum cleaner sucking out your wallet. It's very costly. Internists don't make a lot of money in the spectrum of what doctors make. We're solidly middle class, but we budget. Is life harder because of it? Yes. Are there stresses in the marriage because of it? Yes. Are there times I wish I could take off and spend more time with my kids? Absolutely. Things have worked out to a certain degree -- I'm happy; I have a great job, and I have two beautiful, lovely children. But finances are difficult, and it's a struggle.
AOL Health: What does your husband think about the book?
Dr. Drake: He thinks it's hilarious. Well, my husband's not an American, first of all, so he just has a different sensibility. People are doing whole blogs on the book entirely based on the title and making conclusions about what our love lives must have been like and whether or not we were bitter, instead of saying there might actually be content in the book, not just the title.
AOL Health: Why do you think that women are not as marketable as they age? Does a man's marketability also decline?
Ford: Men have an advantage. Just even anecdotally, "Sex and City" [illustrated this idea] where a young woman can still be very attracted to a graying, kind of sexy older man, but for the same-age woman, young men aren't thronging to her. It's not fair. Many guys who are much older are with really much younger women. You don't see the reverse very often. Of course, you do see it occasionally, and everyone's going to red flag Demi Moore, but the fact is that in our culture, women as they age are devalued, and it's a crying shame.
Print this article.
Recent Comments
Choctawmicmac 03:42:21 PM Oct 03 2009
If you have no money and no prospects for any in the foreseeable future, then why should you marry someone who might also be in the same boat?! Love doesn't pay the bills or pay for Grad School so you won't be unemployable forever. It's a woman's perogative to marry someone who can take care of her financially. If you have to learn to "tolerate" each other's company over the years, and even have extramarital affairs for love, then so be it. Marriages used to be like that all the time, and there wasn't so much female poverty in the world "way back when."
rae@raewilson.com 10:47:43 AM Aug 20 2009
These two women I call 'em Ladies' Bitter.There is evidence to suggest that people who marry solely for money generally end up killing for the money. Because, the rich soon find out what you come for.Let us not write books because we are bitter, because there are millions who take opinions from books, however stupid the contents are.Whilimena
Karojeznach 06:38:43 AM Jul 29 2009
yep, that's what my mom keeps telling me. she is a bitter divorced woman, so that is no surprise....the thing is... she married for money not for love, but guess what, money disappeared cuz life is unpredictable. so than she stayed with no love and no money...and than she got divorced. this doc is saying that love will fade away...ok, and what about people going bancrupt? (that's a real moment of truth)
Jeannemcg1 09:56:19 PM Jul 28 2009
These women are right!! I need to get this book for my two daughters. I married for love at 29 and assumed that my own career as an attorney would take care of me financially. Things did not work out and now I am still married to a "nice" guy who has little money. We struggle financially every day. I am 52 and have no way out at this point. If I leave i will live in poverty, so I stay. Young women...listen and learn.
dennhk 04:17:53 PM Jul 24 2009
It makes those women sound like a bunch of vultures, black widows, and parasites... Yep, that sound about right for todays women.
Kenen36 09:57:18 AM Jul 23 2009
maybe you should call your book "Every ***** Has It's Price".Here's my current relationship: When she ***** me, I give her money.It works great. It's about as "married" as I want to be
LdyQtee6 09:59:17 PM Jul 18 2009
More often women get married and find neither money nor love. So when given the option - especially in today's economy - go for the money and if loves comes with it then it's a bonus. I know I did and hit the jackpot in both areas but believe me that was after many years of having neither from a man.
johnhodgson1111 01:04:39 AM Jun 21 2009
The first problem for women and marriage is that woman believe that thier mind is balanced and normal. when your messed up, your going to find another messed up person to have drama in your life. women think that because they are in love with that person that everything will work out, well what happens when you fix your messed up mind and there is still that messed up other person that your married to? yeah that's a real problem and that is the big problem now. women pick the man in their life, women will not give a man (that they are not interested in a chance). its no mistake.
bbdoll824 01:10:02 AM Jun 09 2009
My thoughts about dating and marriage, I really think we need to change: http://xgengirl.blogspot.com/