Retard
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A retard is a sub-human put on this earth for the entertainment of actual people, due to their handicap being incredibly funny. A term of endearment for the mentally handicapped or stupid. It is commonly believed that retards are created by fucktarded, mouth breather sperm. Though plausible, this is the cause of furries, not retards. However, a proven, common cause of retardation is your mother getting stuck in the stink, forgetting to wipe off the tard-infested shit off your father's dick, then getting stuck in the pink thus conceiving your retarded ass (for great justice). Check science. There are some new developments that indicate that some forms of autism may be linked to early television viewing. A common tell-tale sign of being a retard is trying to use the plugs from Hot Topic to pleasure yourself, suffering from dandruff, being gay, or being a weeaboo. Alternative theories suggest that retardation is also caused by punching pregnant women in the stomach, or when a man uses a condom, as some Durex factories carry headlice and stringrays and AIDS.
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Special
If you are Since you are special watch this. When you are done click on the X on the upper right side of the window then go take a nap.
Retards can be distracted with the use of Animu. Depending on which you pick it could backfire and cause them to go Crazy, so if you want to be safe stick with Pokémon.
Detection
Finding retards is very simple. All you have to do is find someone who is saying retarded shit, and then you respond with "O rly?". The typical retards response will be huh?, "yes orly", or "what's orly?" Female retards will confuse O rly? for Orally and will either be offended or proceed with the perceived command, a win/win.
Another method of retard detection, as is employed by General Bethlehem, can be used for a more accurate confirmation of retards in a close quarters encounter with an actual retard.
1) Get a good visual confirmation of the mongoloid, from a reasonable distance.
2) Approach the mongoloid slowly, preferably from the side. Do not take your eyes off the mongoloid.
3) With your index finger, press on the soft skin tissue that is located just under the eye of the mongoloid.
4) ????
5) PROFIT!!
"People" with Down syndrome also look a certain way. Here are some people with Down syndrome and you can see how they look. They hold their mouths open with their tongue slopping over their lower lips, and usually only know Simple English. They also have tongues with cracks in them and ears that God made when he was drunk.
Spotting a retard at a dance party can be pretty easy. [1]
You can also spot retards on ED if they don't sign their own posts.
The Place of the Retard
E-tards are the third strongest vegetable, just behind the onion now. (Most recent google fight - Friday, April 25, 2008) The strongest vegetable on the Internets remains the potato, prolly something to do with Dan Quayle and spell check.
Proof:
Retards in the Music Industry
As with Mariah Carey and Ringo Starr it is often the case that a talentless person is allowed in to the music industry based entirely on the fact that they are an adorable retard. Also, this is why black children almost always stand in the front row of a church choir while singing songs about delicious fried chickens.
Variations
Because retard is probably the default insult on the Internets, it has spawned a variety of more specialized variants:
- Leftard: used by "compassionate conservatives" to describe their opposition. In this instance, "compassionate" means "still uses words like 'retarded' and 'colored' in public."
- Rightard: used by Leftards as a lame response to the above, which of course is lame to begin with.
- Fucktard: a more intense version of retard, with an over-all connotation of "a waste of skin".
- Special education student: the same thing as a retard, but this one gets a fancier word.
- Hotard: a retarded slut. Usually a blonde woman. Reserved for women nice guys can't get.
- Mustard: a severe case of retardness, who makes as much sense as its epithet.
- /b/tard: someone who frequents 4chan's /b/ board. Unlike most -tards, they wear this moniker as a badge of pride.
- G-tard: a white male who pretends he's poor and from "da hood" even though he's rich and from the suburbs.
- Handicapped: aka "special" aka "mentally crippled" aka "conveniently parked" aka "mental amputee"
- Dee Dee Dee: A lame ass phrase coined by a fake ass mexican.
- Chromosomally Unfortunate: a fancy science-type term for "MAH BAYBEE IS NAHT WEETAHDED".
- Window Licker: Have been known to trip while sitting down.
- Loid: This one comes with the approval of special folks and their handlers. No, really. Please use it as often as possible, just to make them happy. Remember, every time you employ loid as a term of abuse, a retarded pixie is born.
- Special olympics: Olympics for retards.
Common, but underutilized ways to refer to retards on ED include:
- Mongoloid
- Special Ed
- Mental insufficiency
- Downsie
- Intellectual insufficiency
- Tard
- Dyslexic
- Retart - a retarded DevianTARTlet
- Down's Syndrome
- Special
- Sloth
- Hard of Thinking
- Mouth Breather
- Helmet Hero
- Eyebrow
- Accident
- Tardis
- Brainwreck
An aspie in its natural habitat
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What happens when you give a bored retard a webcam
The Retard as a Half-Ape
1. Persons of under 40 IQ exhibit behavior not distinctly different from apes. That is, intellectually speaking, apes can do everything they can do.
2. The cutoff for retardation is an IQ of 70.
3. Average IQ is 100.
4. LOL, RETARDS ARE HALF-APES.
Gallery of Retards
Gallery of Tards | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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See Also
- Autism Raid
- Special Education
- Asperger's Syndrome
- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
- Retarded Animal Babies
- The R Word
References
Retard is part of a series on Diseases and Disorders. |
Retard is part of a series on the ED Special Olympics | Events
Baseball • Cricket • Football • Professional Wrestling • Soccer • Hockey • Ghost Riding • Jim Rome Not Events Bulletball • Sex • Starcraft • Super Smash Bros • Video Games • Golf Competitions Olympics • Special Olympics • London 2012 • Olympic Flame • LOLympics Topics Sport • Michael Phelps • Shawn Johnson • Barry Bonds • Ty Cobb • Allison Stokke • Billy Martin • New York Yankees • Mike Tyson |
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