OMG Lists

Sex, depending on how sober you are, is usually a memorable act.  But when the male involved climaxes shortly after the deed commences, said act can become even more memorable--now, for all the wrong reasons.  Here are the best 6 examples of Hollywood's interpretation of this disgracing and unforgettable event.

6- Detroit Rock City

Before they were known as Cougars, MILFs, or ninth-grade teachers, old ladies who liked to sex up minors were known as just that, old ladies who liked to sex up minors.  But what hasn't changed through the years, and what one young KISS fan discovered, is that these aged beauties love gettin it on. Unfortunately, young John Connor’s tiny Terminator couldn’t handle the feet of an experienced woman. Luckily, the old-timer understood and still allowed him to recover, and later ride the love-train, and what's more, she paid him to do so.  Some guys have all the luck.
 

The pain of going through a plate glass window, getting a chair cracked on your back, or receiving any kind of non-lethal bullet or knife wound is enough to lay up any one of us for days, weeks even. These are typically the first in a series of progressively harrowing ordeals a great action hero must endure, stifling woe over their boo-boos in order to tear the baddies a new cornhole. So here's our hat tip to the heads of the class, the ones who persevered beyond this mortal coil, dancing on a wire of unlikely fortune and less likely skill, to earn our awe.

5- Harrison Ford "Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull"

It's a good thing Indiana Jones benefits from "cartoon character reset"--healing of all injuries and maladies before the next escapade a la Wile E. Coyote--because homeboy would be torn up as of the most recent film. Years of horrifying tumbles down infinitely deep ravines, poisonings, and hundreds of SS beatdowns should have left him in his 60s with torn ligaments, internal infections, and a prizefighter's mental vegetation. Not to be outdone, Lucas saved the last implausible cherry on top for "Crystal Skull" wherein Dr. Jones survives an atomic blast by hiding inside...a refrigerator. Imagine the lawsuits if the Beavis and Butthead copycats had gotten their hands on weapons-grade plutonium.

One of the coolest things about science fiction is the fact that its ultimately judged by how far it pushes the limits of our imagination. It's quite a pure medium in that way: if you fail to elicit "oohs" and "aahs," then your art was unsuccessful. Like a baker's chocolate chip cookies, the enemy's spacecraft is perhaps the single most significant barometer of a sci-fi flick's inventiveness. How indestructible, how injurious, how awe-inspiringly massive can their alien technology be? Here's a list of some enemy spacecraft that have truly wowed us:

7- The Reaver Warship

Joss Whedon's Serenity/Firefly enterprise birthed the baddest baddies, the Reavers. These chemically-deranged former humans rape, eviscerate, peel your flesh, and eventually kill you after the horrors of the preceding have fully sunk in. These are the sketchiest villains in the galaxy, which makes it all the more appropriate that they cart themselves around in a haphazard fleet of stolen warships. And boy are they a doozy: radiation-poisoned, dented and scarred from kamikaze-esque battle maneuvers, and decorated in the limbs and blood of their victims. Geez, Joss--you're almost taking the fun out of it. Here's the climactic 3-sided dogfight between the Reaver armada, the good guys, and the guys who think they're the good guys:

Laws are made to be broken, and real life would be so much sweeter if cops stopped playing by the rules. Let's face it: no exciting cop or federal agent goes by the book anymore, and that's why Hollywood has made a killing by having your favorite fictional feds commit everything from abduction to kidnapping to straight-up murder. Sure, these fictional agents, cops and blue-collar government guys get the job done, but you can bet that they flipped off their bosses or blew up an entire city block in the process.

8- Fox Mulder

Rules Broken: Disregarding Orders, Obstruction of Justice, UFO Obsession Generally Gets in the Way of Actual Work.

When it comes to UFOs and aliens, it's no surprise that the FBI just wanted to cover it the Hell up, and that made definitely made Fox Mulder a pain in everyone's ass. While other agents were tracking down crime rings, weapons dealers and terrorists, Mulder was more often than not dragging that sexy Scully off to Nowhere, Pennsylvania to go investigate a crop circle or a werewolf sighting. Every episode now and then, the FBI would tell Mulder to go do some real detective work, which basically boiled down to this:

"Seriously, we're going to shut down the X-Files if you don't solve a real case."

"The truth is out there, Skinner, and I'm going to find it."

"Dammit, Mulder, you're such a maverick agent, I'm too pissed off to fire your ass."

Oh, and we're pretty sure it's against the FBI Rulebook to fraternize with your partner, but everyone knows that Mulder and Scully were definitely doing "undercover" work. On each other. In bed.

Sure, it's sad to see real people fake-die in movies and on TV, but there's something about cartoons biting the drawn dust that can get to the best of us. Here's 9 toons with deaths that hit us a little too hard. We've kept the names out of the entry titles, but we're not liable for any more secrets contained herein. SPOILERS!

9- The Simpsons

Maude proved that she was one of God's true Christian soldiers, by tackling some of the most depraved trash that had ever been broadcast on that vile invention of Satan's known as television:  the children's cartoon.  If there is one item that can be blamed for the majority of crime in this great nation, it is that device known as the TV (or boob-tube, to the miscreants).  Regardless of where you stand on Maude's courageous and moving work, we were all sad to see her get knocked out of the grandstand at the Springfield Speedway, where she then plummeted to her death, leaving the nicest family in Springfield, the Flanders, without their mother.  The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

With Transformers 2 at the top of the box office and G.I. Joe sure to rake in some big bucks as well, Hollywood is turning their collective eye to toys for inspiration. Now that every single comic book character ever created seems to have a movie in pre-production, they need a new industry to mine for ideas since they have clearly run out of their own. So in the next few years we can expect a barrage of toy-based films. Hell, even a Stretch Armstrong movie is rumored. Unfortunately, though, not every toy is going to receive the silver screen treatment. Here are 6 that we just don't see it happening for.

6- Silly Putty

Why it won't work:

Let's face it, if you were going to make a movie based on any malleable child's toy, it would be Play Doh. It really has the upper hand on silly putty. Different colors, holds its shape, fun accessories, doesn't stick in carpet and even tastes better. The biggest advantage that Silly Putty has in comparison is that when a bored 9 year old decides to sculpt a penis to make his friends laugh it is much closer to actual penis color. There's also the fact that if you roll it into a ball it could bounce a little bit, but I'm sure a Super Ball movie is already in development, so there goes that novelty. You could also use it to pick up the ink off newspapers and make backwards copies of things, but we all know that by the time the movie comes out newspapers will have ceased to exist.

How it could work: "Putty Cop."

A buddy cop movie, but take a page out of Flubber and have Silly Putty be a wacky computer animated blob who bounces everywhere. He's part of a new experimental police force and is teamed up with a grizzled police officer (Harrison Ford) to take down the gang that killed his former partner. There is also a comical side plot in which Putty falls in love with a mound of plastic explosives from the weapons locker.