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Posted in: Uncle Joe
Missionary
By Uncle Joe
May 26, 2010 - 5:15:11 AM

Back in November, I told you fucks that Batista was going to rock the cock of the cocks; the wangs of the wangs, and what happened? It fell on deaf ears to most; but to the intelligent, to the faithful, to the believers; they heeded my words, and prepared. I told you that one Mickie "Piggy" James was going to be gone from the company by the end of Spring, and guess where that chick is now? I dunno, I was hoping you'd tell me. At the time of the column's inception, one of my readers emailed me, and said it was blasphemous that the company would dare release Ms. James; that they would be the fool of all fools to do so to such an enormous (figuratively and literally) talent such as James. He too, was a non believer and guess what became of him? He ended up losing his mind, succumbing to the shock of losing the love of his life and threatened the company with bomb scares. He is now being detained in Guantanamo Bay, being ass raped by various military personnel and Jimmy Carter.




I also went on to see the writing on the wall and notice that R Truth was going to get a big push in the near future. At the time, my reasoning was explained as such: R Truth has shuck and jived his way into the hearts of millions of WWE fans since his arrival into the company, which many of their younger stars (DiBiase, Rhodes, Swagger) failed to do up until that point. In a company seeking to stay afloat in this disastrous economy, that's a big point, regardless of the fact that R Truth is black and his jingling is very annoying. Back in the Attitude Era, Killings character would have been killed by the fans, but in today's WWEPG programming, Killings has a good persona to get himself on TV. Fellow LOP poster, friend, American and dapper MissouriDragon took what I had to say to heart, and prepared for the inevitable. He has accustomed himself to get used to the Truth entrance, Truth flippyness and Truth jingling, and he's still alive; for had he not known beforehand, my dear Midwesterner would surely have followed Kerry Von Erich's foot steps and have taken a shotgun to the mouth. And it's a good thing too, because June time is going to be coon time as R Truth has just won a match on PPV over DiBiase Jr. and just recently, the US title.




But the most important point that I would go on to make that Dave was not only going to submit his best work with his then recent heel turn, but that he would rival Punk as the company's best heel on either brand. And it came true, believe it or not. There were a few factors that went into this, so let me start from the beginning. Back last year, around October or so, it was being reported that Dave was upset that his attempts to garner more cash in a new contract extension, and from that moment, I knew what was going to happen. I wrote "Batista is a man who, with proven history, has shown that when motivated, can be anywhere from carry-able to great" As stand alone points, they merit very little, but they are pieces to the puzzle. See, Batista is a man who would lead you to believe that he is purely business, and while he is for the most part, he tends to take things personally from time to time. He felt he was worth more than what his contract was paying him, and when management/corporate said "no, you're not", it struck a cord with him. And that's when he set out on his mission.




A mission to prove that he WAS worth the money. So what did he do? Only turn in an awesome performance as the bully to Rey Mysterio's nerd. Yes, Rey's penchant for excellent selling and sick bump taking helped, but Dave's offense never looked better; it was blunt, painful and just vicious. But it wasn't just in-ring where Dave began to conquer, as he was getting exponentially better on the mic, seemingly over night. Classic lines such as "I'm gonna rip your head off", "heh" and the ever infamous "you were supposed to BE MY FRIEND!" During his matches, and even promos involving little Rey, he had top notch heel mannerisms. For example, during their contract signing for their No Holds Barred match, when it was Mysterio's turn to sign the contract, he would pull the contract back and forth away from Rey while giving an excellent smirk, clearly frustrating the little man, and providing some excellent TV while he was at it.




After his program with Rey, Dave seemingly muddled around, doing nothing. He was, however, rocking some of the more hood approved clothing in such goofy ways that I could not help but cheer the man on. Kangol, New Era, Ralph Lauren, Levi's, LRG, Gucci, Louis Vutton were some of the brands Dave rocked on stage. He rocked them outrageously, such as the fantastic Cena promo where he wore a vest (with no shirt under by the by), jeans, Timberland boots, shade with a bedazzled FUCKING gauntlet wrist band. Only a true fucking asshole would think he's savvy enough and handsome enough to pull something like that off. He would make a classic stage interruption, ala Kanye, complete with pink polo shirt, skinny jeans and stunna shades during the return of the Slammy awards. Classic shit.




And then he jumped into the feud that would cement him as the best heel on the brand, and the best heel persona in some time. At first, he attacked Cena relentlessly, like a machine, like an animal (pardon the pun). And it was another seemingly ho-hum feud . . . until he started talking. In a classic promo that will surely go down in the annals of time as awesome, Batista went on a near 10 minute tirade, full of so many quotable material that Scott Steiner took notes.


"You're funny, you're a funny guy, you amuse me ha ha ha"


"I do not care about these people; I do not care if they cheer me, I don't care if they boo me."


"I am not here for them. I am here to make money, I am here to win titles."


"Bark, Bark, Bark that's what you do; it's not what I do. You already know what I do; what I'm good at."


and the instant classic


"So you go ahead and keep on kissing babies and huggin' fat girls, I'll be in a gym somewhere, training . . . "




His promo cut close to home, as when Cena made his retort, he almost seemingly broke voice as if he was going to cry. All while delivering some of the best hand animations I've ever seen cut during a promo. Don't believe me? Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJQjrkkWwV4 .




During his matches with Cena, Batista was EXCELLENT, and the matches picked up in intensity throughout the evening and were all booked cleverly. From being caught out of nowhere to being duct taped to the ring post, Batista's losses were some of the best ways the loser were put over. In fact, I would argue that Batista looked stronger and stronger with each defeat, much stronger than Cena, as Cena had seemingly lucked his way into victory each time. He was sharp, calculated and just a Neanderthal with his bullying ways. His mid match mannerisms were top fucking dog, like imitating Brock Lesnar's side shuffle thing while Cena laid on the floor, to cocky smirks and fantastic facial expressions. He wasn't botching anything, kept up with Cena and had some really good cut off spots. To those who don't know, a cut off spot is when a heel stops a face's comeback attempts, garnering both heat for himself and sympathy for the face, hence the term cut off.




And then there was the selling. Batista was always an adequate seller, don't let anyone else ever tell you different, but he took his beatings to a whole new level. Not because they were believable, but because it was so cartoony and over the top that it was excellent. And to those of you who are crying "well Joe, HBK did the same stuff a lot and you shit in his mouth a lot" Good point, difference being HBK did it in a totally different way than Bats. See, HBK over sold to the point that he was being a cunt for the sake of being one, and was obvious he didn't want to realistically put that guy over; with Dave, it was the timing of his selling that made it great. During the tripe threat #1 contender's match with Shameus (get it?) and Orton, Randy punched Dave. Batista then put his arms up, stepped back, and half a second later he sold it as if he was shot in the face with a shotgun; it was a sight to see, surely.




Many of you dick riders finally caught on to Batista and are now wishing for him to stay, and while I would love for him to, this is the best possible way for him to go out. He will now be remembered as an awesome heel who should have been turned sooner. But everything came about perfectly, because if it wasn't for the WWE saying no, he wouldn't have been so hungry, so motivated to prove to them that not only was he worth the money, but that they were going to lose a huge asset that they would live on to regret. He turned rejection into greatness, and without it, we would not have bore witness to his amazing transformation. Like a Greek tragedy, we got a glimpse of excellence and then poof:




it's gone.



I wish Dave all the luck in the world for being a man and standing behind his beliefs. He believed he was worth more, and he proved to be: he believed that he was a top dog in the company, and that he did: he let his contract run out, based on his principles. For that, I applaud you Dave Batista. And just like any man worth his weight in salt, he proved that Missionary is the best position, because in the end, he came out on top and left the company lying on it's back, completely and utterly fucked.





Fun Joe Trivia


- Before her rise to Undertaker's semen bucket, Michelle McCool was seen as Broadway in the play 'Beauty and the Beast', cast as the broom.


- Layla El is in an open relationship with William Regal and Santino.


- And Michael Cole.


- Mae Young now moonlights as the new Raw GM.


- While she was still with the company, Mickie James and Mark Henry were best friends. So much so that they would often borrow jeans and panties.
















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