All right Men’s Fashion Friday it is. The day when I get you the goddamned look of presidents and dictators for a whole lot less.  We’ve had requests for women, but they don’t count because they aren’t men and this is Men’s Fashion Friday. Yeah men rule! Quite literally.

Today the fashion spotlight turns on probably the vainest leader in the non-free world. Yep the man with the hair and platforms. The man who will send you and five generations of your family to a concentration camp to work until you starve to death if you just think bad thoughts against the state. You guessed it, he’s the paranoid, cognac fuelled, playboy, playwright, film-making, novel writing, girlfriend-kidnapping, head of the Korean Workers’ party. Yep, it’s Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il. Click the headline to read more

North Korean’s believe Kim Jong-il was born in a log cabin on the country’s highest mountain. They’re taught this before they can write. They’re also told that the occasion was marked by a double rainbow and a bright star in the sky. If you don’t agree with this you’re done for, so bloody well believe it, kid. It’s a load of crap, Kim Jong-il was born in Siberia, when his dad (Kim Il-Sung) was in exile. He’s a godamned Ruskie!

If I met Kim Jong-ill I’d punch him in his fat face. He’s starving his people while his girly son goes to see Eric Clapton live in concert. But this doesn’t mean he’s not a fashion-conscious guy. He takes great care of his appearence, particularly that perm, to the point of paranoia. I still want to knock him into next week.

In the above photo, Kim is wearing his trademark army two-piece suit thing. You’ll rarely see him in a business suit. Not because it symbolises all the West stands for, but simply because a bullet-proof vest doesn’t sit comfortable under a suit jacket, if you’re a lard arse.

The army two-piece thing pretty much sums up Kim. It says: why button, when you can zip? When it comes to Kim it’s all about comfort.

You’ll also notice the elasticised ribbing on the jacket’s sides. A nice touch, that looks sporty while giving you that “tucked-in” feeling all day. The jacket isn’t decorated with medals and brass and those stupid ropes important soldiers wear. Kim may be fat but he isn’t stupid, he likes to give off a “down with the peops” air, even if he goes home to his palace to drink priceless liquor out of the high heels of stolen Japanese women.

Casting the eyes down we see the trousers are most definitely cut from the same material. We can’t spot a belt here, but I’m willing to bet my future children’s lives that he’s got an elasticised waist going on in there. Once again, comfort over style, a lot like a Toyota Camry.

Apologies for the quality of the above shot, but the guy who managed to take this probably was shot. People don’t get to see Kim, let alone see him fooling around. When he’s not in his army two-piece, the only other item of clothing you’ll find Kim in is this jacket. He certainly looks snug as a bug, unlike the people in the Yodok detention settlement who have to tie paper to themselves because the soldiers in their death camps have taken away clothing as punishment.

This jacket, is known to North Koreans as the “people’s outfit”. It says: I’m warm and you’re not.  A bullet-proof vest is also well accommodated by the “people’s outfit”, too.

At just 5ft 3in Kim isn’t a tall chap. He has a bit of an issue with this but rumour has it that it’s nothing a pair of sturdy platform shoes can’t fix. Apparently there’s a photo of him taken with Russian President Vladmir Putin in 2003. From the pic it’s clear that Kim’s showing off a new pair of platforms increasing his height by a whopping 12cm. For goodness sake Dear Leader you may as well just get some circus stilts and long stripey pants.

I couldn’t find that picture but there is this one below which is is good enough to convince me he wears platforms. Look closely at his left heel. It’s massive! And he’s still short.

Finally we have the sunglasses. For a bloke that hates the United States so much, Kim sure does like Hollywood’s produce. The man has a collection containing thousands of Hollywood films. Putting on the sunglasses gives Kim that movie-star feel. That they are so unfashionable that they are almost fashionable again, wouldn’t occur to him. When he looks in the mirror he sees Jack Nicholson looking back.

OK guys, here’s how you get the Kim Jong-il look

Get the army two piece This was a heck of a lot harder to source than I first thought because Kim gets these outfits tailor made for him. But the Sticks&Stones promise is to get you the look for less and we’ve done just that.

For just $US6 eBay has the zip-up jacket here.

It’s a bargain and you’ll be happy to know that all the seller’s items come from a “smoke-free and pet-free home”.

The trousers were easy to find here on eBay

Rugged but still good enough to go out in, these come in at $US11.34. Do the conversion, it’s a good price.

Get the snug as a bug people’s outfit jacket

Every angst-ridden teenager and dictator should have one of these. I still have mine but I paid a lot more than this one selling here for 6 US bucks.

Sure it has a German flag on the arm, but that makes it even better, just don’t wear it to an RSL club as I did once. Upset the Diggers.

Get the platform shoes

Get taller Kim style and impress the ladies with these babies. Look at the heel, there’s a godamned fish tank in there! Apart from a better taste, what more could you seriously want?

They’re the most expensive item on our list but at just $US60 there worth every jaw-dropping cent here on the Bay.

Get the sunglasses

Sunglass can make anybody look good even if you’re not. It works for Kim and these will work for you too.

My mum would call these snazzy and she’d be right. They’re just $US9 here.

Get the bullet-proof vest

You can spend up to $900 on a bullet-proof vest. But why would you, when you can get one here for just $US26. It saves you money and your life.

That’s the Kim Jong-Il look for less. The grand total, including the bullet-proof vest and “people’s outfit” comes to $US217.34. Not bad at all.

Next week we’ll be taking a bit of break from men’s fashion Friday, but you can bet your fish tank platform shoes it will be back.