Welcome to the dawn of the era of the Jansen of the Tek
Welcome to my sci-fi, action-adventure, romantic comedy, spy thriller, space opera: Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: a Tek Jansen Adventure.
I'm still working to secure distribution, so instead of letting it rot in the top drawer of my oversized mahogany desk, I've decided to share it with you good people right here, snug in the wooly confines of the world interweb.
So dig around, enjoy what you find, and for God sake, share it with the people you love the most. They'll thank you for it, I know I would. And don't worry, I'm adding new chapters all the time... well, some of all the time, at least.
Chapter 1 - Once Again, Brave Warrior, Forth Into the Breach
It was a dark and stormy galaxy. Some called it the Milky Way but for others the way was clear. Prophets called these with truest vision "heroes", and that they were, but not heroes in the traditional sense, that of being a normal, healthy, God-fearing and authority-respecting American; but in the real sense, that of being an actual hero, one that does heroic things with reckless disregard for his own safety. (Read It)
Chapter 2 - A Hero He Is, Yes, But Also Still A Man
I slipped in to my booth, took the large, purple, checkered mind relaxing salve and rubbed it across my chest. I engaged the reactivatoriton to my brain hole and the ride began. I was back in Alpha Squad Headquarters and it was the minute I’d first walked in the door. (Read It)
Chapter 3 - State Unrestful, Ugly, Ugly Peace
She couldn’t have weighed more than twenty pounds to her whole five feet of sumptuous, golden glittering height. “Call me Tek.” She blushed to emerald green and her wings pattered so I thought she might pop right off the balcony. “And who on God’s green New Terra are you?” I asked with insinuation dripping off every bud of my human tongue. (Read It)
Chapter 4 - Relaxing at the Capital
The parade and festivities were done, and it had been a week like few others. I was spent, but due to the outlandish expenditures for the parade, so were all of my colleagues, a million monthly expense accounts and the landscape of the entire earth, as well as all of the known accessible resources of every stellar body within two gigajumps of earth. (Read It)
Chapter 5 - When Presidents Beg
When I say it’s a terrible system, I mean this political structure as much as the solar one in which we live. I’m a patriot; don’t get me wrong, it’s just that all the giants are gas and all the orbits elliptical, who needs that? That doesn’t mean I won’t fight to the death for these systems, just that I still prefer it be the death of someone else to myself, preferably a stranger or planet of strangers. (Read It)
Chapter 6 - Dreadscape Unleashed
As our ship hurtled bow to keister, I fell back in to my suspendi-bed, plugged from temple to anus in my interactive learning hammock, and cultured myself fully about my mission, mentally, orally, and most importantly, anally. Some people are best expressed orally, but not me, I’m the other kind of white meat that way, baby. (Read It)
Chapter 7 - From Dreadscape to Dread
Her mint-hued skin had subtle spots of slightest contrast which grew richer, darker and deeper as they climbed up her neck, across her “face” and towards her cartoonishly oversized azure eyes, trimmed strikingly with fat, black lashes that visibly moved the air with each alluring double-wink, or “blink” if you don’t read subtext. (Read It)
Chapter 8 - T.R.O.T.S.O.G.U.L.H.F.I.T.P-H.O.
The reaction of the son of God upon learning his fate in the pre-hereafter omniverse (Read It)
Chapter 9 - Compunction Junction, What's Your Major Malfunction?
The glistening craft was as gorgeous as I’d remembered her from the schematic drawings I’d seen so many times, the culmination of a million man-hours of engineering combined with just the right amount of fresh, moist adobe to keep her safely in space. She had shapes so flawless it made children weep and edges so sharp you could split a razors edge twice on the worst day. She was a ship that could cut through the intense friction of deep space with chainsaw precision and as easily Julienne slice any beggar who tried to wash her windows at a stoplight. (Read It)
Chapter 10 - My Squad Atricious
Melo looked like a planet-of-style ape, his face barely moving, though looking somehow vaguely surprised. Cappy was wiggling the steering wheel from side to side as if pretend driving, though no navigation was required or even enabled at that point. The communication lady, whose name I still hadn’t gone back to remember, was playfully beeping buttons on her mulimunicator. Oh man, I hated her the worst, it was times like this that she should have been doing something but she just sat there, pretending to be busy, riding on the success of her off-pretty hotness and the ever-present distracting shortness of her skirt. (Read It)
Chapter 11 - My Slumber Burning Sweet, Carmelized
Faster-than-light travel, incidentally, is easier than anyone had imagined. All you have to do is dive into the depths of a caterpillaraperture. They’re pretty easy to find, even easier to tune, and they always take you right where you’re going, and usually within a few million years of right on time. All this became possible upon the discovery of Filliam’s Axiom, E≠mc². (Read It)
Chapter 12 - Flashback, Hallucination or Prophecy?
Her light summer dress was pale, translucentified and had a vague floral pattern with oversized red flowers in animated bloom, as if to distract my razor sharp attention from her own blossoms beneath. The strap from her right shoulder had fallen free, but she noticed it. She listed her head to that side, looked down and ran her long, slender, opalescent fingers to where the strap should have been. She didn’t even touch the tender curves of her collarbone but hovered the fingers over it, dragging them slightly past it as if a thick cushion of unexplained tension stopped her from touching herself. (Read It)
Chapter 13 - Who Dur'th Awaken?
The bar looked like a cross between a clown college, convent, prison, Bangalore call center, slaughter house, and third-world cosmetic surgery clinic. The thick stench of infection hung heavily in the air mixed with intense clouds of hyperjectile vomit. It was just my kind of place. (Read It)
Chapter 14 - The Chapter with No Name
The coldest chill ran through me as the words passed his curiously wet, geriatric lips. Our fuel was flawless and our power plant second to none, and because it had never failed throughout its service history, there was no backup system to replace it in the ninety-nine point quadruple-nine percent impossible event of failure. That event was today, and we had VIP tickets to a show that promised a high body count. We were all going to die as inductees to the one-tenthousandth club, and I was so enraged one could even have said I might be "miffed". (Read It)
Chapter 15 - Space; Empty, Empty Space
With my man-crack tucked safely in my manotard, I was ready to for the misadventure afoot. I looked up in the mirror only to find the most dashing, dark-haired man to ever wander the dankest depths of space of driest space. I've had more poems written about me than the man from Nantucket, and if you can believe it, most of them are more explicit too, and that's a feather in my cap I can always call macaroni, even in moments of near-certain demise such as this. (Read It)
Chapter 16 - Gambol of Gamble with Double-Stacked Deck
Chapter scheduled for release September 3rd, 2006. (Read It)
Chapter 17 - Killer Koandas of Quadrant-5
We were on course, but the course we'd set was more than a modest modicum of treacherousness. Time is always of the essence, but never so much as it is when you've got somewhere to be, which we did. Time was short, place was far and there was no time for pit stops on the inter-stellar highway. Not Hershey, not otherwise. (Read It)
Chapter 25 - The Dodecadence of Margbwar-12
The huge, precise, analog dial, larger than an Aztec calendar and weighing as much as a Pinto, swooped perfectly across the band until it slowed beneath his nimble, one-ball man having finger tips and rest on the sector in question... and there was a beacon ping with an interlaced message encrypted with mondalina harmonics. It said "for a good time, follow the sound of my voice, sailor." (Read It)
Chapter 26 - Abraxxias Gambit
Our macroshuttle was granted tempora-permission to land for refuelination under the strict understanding we'd have sex with their women and be on our way. Of course it wasn't so simple, as we had to first submit countless tomes of nude depictions of ourselves and provide electro-proof we had intoxicating tinctures onboard. Also we had to submit genetic affidavits that we intended to use said intoxicants, as well as perform the acts shown in the illumi-photos of ourselves. (Read It)