Need a "proverbial" recap? You’ve come to the right place. Please, though, take off any furry pom-pom headpieces; we must all be civilized as we relive Monday’s episode.

If you think Julia Roberts didn’t spend enough time in Italy during her eat-pray-love-fest, the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” were hard at work to show you more of it. If only Julia had Joe with her to explain the value of a dollar. Joe very deeply felt (as evident by his rage; he’s clearly not a man of spirituality nor a man of beauty) that they were overcharged during their one-night stay in Naples, and he unleashed a barrage of colorful terms to underline his anger -- and it all came without anyone having to bribe him with a hot dog. Maybe someone overused the bidet? (or behdette, as Teresa so astutely pronounced it.) Oh, but no more. Once they reach Joe’s hometown, all the dilly-dallying was going to stop: “We gotta go eat, and we gotta be civilized.” Sometimes that means finding a plate of pasta and eating it in an unknown kitchen.

It seems not even a blueberry-banana smoothie has enough antioxidants to keep Danielle Staub on the air.

For two seasons, Staub has brought the drama (or light and love, whichever you prefer) to “The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Now there are reports that the Bravo-lebrity won’t be on board for the third season.

Could it be true? It’s not exactly clear.

“Actually, I’m not even thinking about season 3 right now as I am considering many incredible options that have been presented to me …” Staub posted on her Twitter page. “Don’t worry next year, I’ll still be the one you either love to hate or hate to love.”

And the network is mum: “We haven't announced anything regarding a third season,” said a Bravo representative.

The Season 2 finale of "RHONJ" airs Aug. 23,  followed by a two-part reunion that airs on Aug. 30 and Sept. 6.
 
What do you think, ShowTrackers? Could it be another stunt? Would you tune in to a Danielle-free "RHONJ"?

-- Yvonne Villarreal
twitter.com/villarrealy

Photo: Danielle Staub. Credit: Bravo
 

What do you do when the drama surrounding Danielle Staub and her frenemie Kim G. (aka the woman who has no shame in likening Staub’s breasts to squares) just isn’t going to cut it anymore with viewers? If you’re Bravo, you send viewers on an Italian getaway via their TV screens.  

But before we could start learning how to say “prostitution whore” in Italian, there were important matters in Jersey to gloss over.  Joe had recently been in a car accident (and what kind of accident would it be if TMZ wasn’t there to capture it all?) and Jacqueline and her hubby Chris went over to the land of oversized front doors (aka The Giudice’s) to get the scoop … and to point out that Joe had not been drinking before the accident. It was the trees’ fault, according to the dude who bribes his daughters with hot dogs.

Joe says he yawned, shut his eyes for a second (a second) and bam! he found himself surrounded by those trees that “shouldn’t have been there.” Again, Jacqueline and Teresa reiterated -- for good measure -- that Joe had not been drinking before driving. After, though? Well, that’s another story. Joe later divulged that he had a few glasses of whiskey (coffee and water? Psh.) after the accident but before the police arrived.

Cue, naturally, a shot of Danielle and Danny at their office, er, a diner, talking about the incident. I don’t know what I found more fascinating: that Danny was more interested in his phone than Danielle or that Danielle ordered a blueberry-banana smoothie -- “I hit 47.  I gotta start watching out for things … plus I have this nutritionist who says the more blueberries the better.”  When Danny shared the news of Joe’s arrest, Danielle couldn’t help but stop consuming her antioxidants to offer this gem of a quote: “I’m just going to continue living in the love and light that they make fun of while their darkness rains upon them.”  That needs to be embroidered on a pillow. Stat!

ShowTrackers, it’s time for a game of “Who said this?” In Monday’s episode, a certain "Housewife" uttered a phrase so delusional it required three replays: "I am the best mom in the world."

Go back and reread. OK. One more time.

So who said it? A) The ever-sweet and classy Teresa, B) The unbe-weave-able Jacqueline, C) the ham game-hating Caroline or D) broken-heeled Danielle.

I’ll give you a hint. Her inner circle includes a dude who scares Chihuahuas (and his sidekick) and some phenomenon known as Kim G. 

If you take nothing else away from Monday’s episode, let it be this: Teresa should write the follow-up to LuAnn de Lessep's book on etiquette. When the “skinny Italian” wasn’t mauling her daughter’s face with a hairbrush or saying the F- word ("foreclosure" or “under foreclosed”) a million times, she reminded us why she’s “the sweetest.” It came in the form of this gem of a quote in talking about the infamous night that nearly left Danielle with less hair than Grandma Wrinkles: “The only thing I regret about that night was pushing Kim G. because she is an older woman, and I do respect the elderly.”

What a sweetheart.

To supplement her soft nature, Joe is apparently training their daughters to kick some Jersey butt by taking them to tae kwon do classes. It should be noted that their ferociousness comes with the incentive that hot dogs will follow. Nothing makes little girls punch, kick and slam like meat slurry! Meanwhile, Danielle is also getting tips on how to bob and weave — and jab — after Danny sets up a session with a self-defense trainer. No hot dogs were harmed in the ring, but Danielle renamed her fists “Teresa” and “Jacqueline,” which is slightly more disturbing than meat slurry.

But back to “The Night,” which is quickly trying to overshadow Kelly Bensimon’s breakdown on “The Real Housewives of New York City,” and I’m simply not ready for that yet. “The Night” can’t even compare with the table-flipping episode — bald spot or not. In any case, Kim G. goes over to Jacqueline’s house to try to “comprehend the explosiveness” of the evening. And I’m trying to comprehend the explosiveness of the revelation that she had to deliver pieces of Danielle’s hair to her — for what? To glue it back on? More absurd than the mini-wig delivery system Kim G. has going on is Jacqueline’s continued willingness to talk to this woman. Someone needs another session with Danielle’s energist.

After two whole weeks -- TWO! -- the moment of unbeweavable proportions finally arrived. The moment where, in the midst of watching grown women prance around in heels screaming "coke whore," we as viewers pondered the ultimate question: Is it better to be called "honey," or a term more suitable for a female dog?

Before I could even weigh the pros and cons of both terms, extensions were being yanked and heels were being broken. When we last left off, Danielle was less than thrilled to see Jacqueline and Teresa chumming it up with Kim D. at the Posche fashion show. And Teresa, aka "the sweetest person," felt inclined to ambush Danielle in the lobby with a friendly "hello." Only the exchange got cuh-razy more than friendly. When Teresa uttered the word "honey," it triggered the cuckoo in Danielle and things went haywire. But more cutting than "honey" was the word Danielle offered up: foreclosure.

As if it wasn't awkward enough to see Teresa's extravagant housewarming party after it was revealed that she and her husband Joe had filed for bankruptcy, things became more awkward with Teresa's reaction to the F-word. It was as if that chinchilla she was wearing had come to life and strangled her. And she went straight into defense mode. Cue insanity, or as one unidentified attendee so eloquently put it: "This is ..." (go ahead, use your expletive imagination).

Teresa -- with a attitude-filled finger wave -- reminded us that she's from Patterson -- did you FORGET? Danielle broke a heel in her attempt to flee the scene. "Coke whore" became this season's "prostitution whore." Danielle's leather-wearing security guard looked lost. Teresa kept shouting "my house is not in foreclosure." Someone asked Teresa to show some class. Kim G. was freaking out over how much Danielle was freaking out -- "CALM DOWN!" And Jacqueline's daughter Ashley decided to help Danielle remove her extensions for the night. 

This week on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”: a whole lot of nothing. Not even a hairless cat. We miss you, Grandma Wrinkles.

One thing was made clear, though, about the “Housewives” franchise -- and it’s not the obvious “being crazy” list of traits. Apparently, having one family member named “Cookie” is required. There goes my chance! 

OK, OK ... on to the show.

After a month-long public records investigation, Times staff writers Matea Gold and Richard Verrier found that dozens of children are appearing on reality television shows without legal safeguards because of widespread confusion among state regulators about how to classify the shows.

In its examination of some of the most visible series featuring children under 16, The Times found that a majority had not obtained work permits to employ minors — including TLC's "19 Kids and Counting," WE TV's "Raising Sextuplets" and the entire "Real Housewives" franchise on Bravo.

Because producers say that the kids on their programs are participants, not employees, child labor laws are rarely applied. As a result, for the vast majority of these shows, there are no state-mandated instructors or union representatives on set to limit the number of hours the children are on camera, to make sure they get meal breaks and go to school, or to prevent exposure to dangerous situations. Most reality show children are not guaranteed that they will be compensated or that any money they do earn will be set aside for them.

After inquires from The Times, state agencies in California, Florida, Georgia and Virginia are looking into whether production companies violated child labor laws while filming in their states.

Read the full story here: Reality TV kids don't have a legal safety net

-- Matea Gold

twitter.com/mateagold

Photo: Jim Bob Duggar, who appears with his family on TLC's "19 Kids And Counting," told The Times that they do not consider the filming work. Credit: TLC

Remember when TV crossovers were all the rage? “Beverly Hills, 90210” and “Melrose Place.” “Ally McBeal” and “The Practice.” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel.” I’m waiting for the day when Bravo finally finds a way to join the “Housewives” of NYC and New Jersey for an episode. It doesn’t seem too far-fetched. All they need is a doctor’s office with ample space for a camera crew — where’s Dr. Drew Pinksy when you need him? Seriously, with the kooky antics displayed by Kelly Bensimon and Danielle Staub this season, there should be a new screening process for “Housewives” candidates.

We pick up on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” back at Chakra as Dina attempts to sever ties with Danielle — and shushes her in the process. Danielle doesn't take kindly to being shushed and also demands that Dina never call her "crazy” — EVER! She unleashes jabs that include “you’re as fake as that hair on your  head.” (Did anyone else blurt out, "Oh, snap!” in that moment?) The episode marks Dina's departure from the show, which we learn is a decision her cats fully support. 

There are few programs that provide important life lessons in the way "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" does. Where else would you learn the negative effects of a menstrual cycle on tomato sauce making? Only while tuning in could you see the harmful damage caused by slapping a slice of ham across a person’s face.  And our table manners have much improved since the table-flipping incident -- that maneuver is only to be used in situations in which you’ve reached your limit with Danielle Staub. In Monday’s episode, we learn another vital lesson: Be careful what you post on Facebook. A lesson we could all benefit from. So log out of the social-networking site -- Farmville can wait -- and let's delve into some “Housewives” drama.