Day 850. Survivors found: 11
It seems so big right now, I don’t know how concise I can be, but I’ll try.
I was 4 years old when my parents put me into an attachment therapy nursery school. I attended for a year, and had outpatient holding therapy sessions for the 2 years following. I have always known this and even have conscious memories of it, even though I had no idea why I was really sent there and why they were doing what they were doing.
After they stopped doing holding therapy (specifically compression therapy, where more than one adult lies with their full weight on you when you’re face down on the floor), I had to put the whole experience in this “what they did must have been okay” box in the back of my mind. I didn’t question it for the next 22 years of my life (I am 26 now).
As I remember, the holding therapy was done in a group, so there was a circle of “stations” (adults doing this compression form of holding therapy on top of preschool age children.) So I saw it being done to my preschool age peers, as well as having it done to me.
I had never explored as an adult what holding therapy was in terms of its intended purpose and philosophy. About 4 weeks ago, I had a night of very disturbed sleep; thrashing, tossing and turning all through the night. The next day something prompted me to look up holding therapy, and I read an encyclopedia article. Then everything started flooding back.
The first 3 days I had great difficulty eating. I’d been a smoker and I didn’t want to, or rather, couldn’t smoke cigarettes, and I didn’t want to drink any fluids. Since then, I’ve been having heart palpitations, panic attacks, flashbacks, memories, body shakes, feelings of mistrust, feeling like I have no future, when the flashbacks come sometimes I’ll just freeze and stare out into space, like I can’t move, nausea, pains in my arms and chest, I feel shock, and like crying quite often. I have trouble sleeping. Also, I started to feel empathy for the first time I can remember.
The only relief for me right now comes in sharing about it… I could probably talk for days. That is all I really want to do right now- to feel, express, and be believed.