Ted has an architectural dilemma this week, when he meets a pretty girl outside the building Goliath National Bank is going to tear down for him to build their new headquarters. See, she wants to save the Arcadian, so -- since this is Ted -- he signs the petition and joins right in with her crazy anarchy. Meanwhile, Barney and the folks at Goliath are trying to get people to stop caring about the building by planting snakes. Ted has the pretty girl convinced right up until Barney has a billboard made with Ted's picture proudly displayed as the architect. Pretty girl is out. So Ted stays up all night and redesigns the headquarters, using the original façade of the Arcadian. But when he shows her, he also sees her wedding ring and it's off: He's back to making a fancy new building and trying to find our mother.
The rest of the characters spend the episode obsessed with penises, sex and boobs, which ends up being pretty funny. Robin's new boyfriend, Max, has a small penis, it turns out, which is a horrifying thing for Marshall to learn (and obsess) about. He can't stop thinking about it, and wonders why girls talk about everything. Then he learns Lily also talks in detail to Robin about their sex life. He finds himself unable to perform. And it turns out Barney's first response when hearing about a girl is always, "Boobs?" Not, "How big are her boobs?" Just, "Boobs?" He does it all episode, and it never stops being funny.
Saget!Ted reminds his kids (us) that he was designing the world headquarters for Goliath National Bank in the fall of 2010, which meant working with Barney. That's this show's version of a "previously on." Cut to Ted and Barney working together, and Barney says, "Working together is going to be legen- wait for it." But he'll tell him the rest in an inner-office memo because they work together. High fives! Then Barney tells Ted where they're building the new headquarters: at the site of a building called the Arcadian, where kings and queens used to stay. Now it's mostly a site for queens -- drag, that is, of a prostitutional variety. One solicits Ted as he's standing outside the building. He politely declines and then says to himself, "Still got it!" Cut to Ted back in Barney's office, telling him they have to talk. A woman knocks on the door and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Stinson." Barney: "Not now, Trish!" But she has an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby. It, of course, says "-dary." Barney's excited, until Ted whines that he can't design the building.
Lily's in a cute nightie in the bedroom with Marshall, who's in a robe and putting on slipper-socks. Lily protests that her eggs go right back up into her fallopian tubes when he ruins the mood she's trying to set with those. He says "Papa needs traction" because of the slippery satin sheets. This is all just setup for a later joke, so they quickly move on. Lily tells Marshall how great things are going for Robin and Max (the guy who can't tell Maury Povich from Woody Allen). They even hooked up last night. Marshall's super excited, because Max is Max's name and his level of awesomeness. Lily goes on that Robin feels totally comfortable with Max: They bonded over hockey, he has a small penis, and they want to double date next weekend. Marshall freaks out that Lily would tell him about the small penis, which he will now never be able to stop thinking about. He says he won't be able to look Max in the eye, or ever call him "Max."
MacLaren's. Ted's explaining to Barney that he can't build GNB if it means tearing down an architectural landmark. Plus, he asks, how does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to up and leave. Barney says "Snakes," but when Ted questions that, he's like, "I don't recall saying snakes." Barney realizes Ted loves crappy old stuff no one cares about, but he has four words to live by: "New is always better." He uses women he hasn't slept with as an example, because they're always hotter than the ones he has slept with, duh. That's totally logical. Ted asks if it applies to everything? Barney says it does, then he has to pretend he prefers new Star Wars movies, newer Guns N' Roses, and new Scotch (Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch).