Esteemed interested party and/or occupant:
In its centuries-long reign at the top of the newspaper world, the Onion has shouldered the burden of providing information and entertainment to a very distinct readership. The typical Onion reader tends to be an almost insufferably literate and unbearably thoughtful type, the sort of person whose emotional shortcomings render them unable to face the world without filtering it through a veil of sarcasm. These spiritual cripples refer to this escapist defense mechanism as a "sense of humor," and if they were not willing to throw money around with remarkable abandon, they would be utterly useless.
If that describes the average citizen of your almost intolerably vibrant community, you now have a chance to bleed them of cash until they are dried and withered hipster husks. Our barren-souled readers still manage to enjoy dining out, shopping, drinking to insensibility in bars, and insofar as they are capable of involvement, they enjoy being involved in the local scene. If you have a good professional working knowledge of that scene, the Onion can provide you with a framework of hard-hitting news coverage.
However, please keep in mind that the Onion is not like other newspapers. We do not bow to ignorant and self-righteous notions of censorship. We don't knuckle under to pressure from the community unless it is sufficiently profitable. In short, we refuse to be manipulated, and we absolutely refuse to be stupid. There is also an excellent chance we harbor intense hatred for our readers.
If you are of like mind and sensibility—and most importantly, if you find that you enjoy reading our newspaper—we would be most interested in speaking with you.
H. Cuthbert Zweibel
VP of Client Relations