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THE OFFICIAL MAN PARTY
I am sure you read the title of this article and said to yourself "What the hell is the Official Man Party?" On Friday, the 22 nd of September, in Seattle Washington , a phenomenon was born. The event that transpired on that night will undoubtedly change the world forever. The event that I speak of was the first of its kind... the Official Man Party. For thousands of years, countless men have gathered together for a good time, usually around a television watching football or a perhaps a heavyweight fight. These parties are great, don't get me wrong. These parties tend to be either all men or 90% men. This may, by definition, seem like a "Man" party but it is not. The central theme of these get-togethers is the event that you are gathered together to watch. In other words, a Super Bowl party while manly as hell is after all, a Super Bowl party. The days of these gatherings being known as "Man" parties are coming to close. We have invented a new type of "Man" party, one that does not celebrate football, boxing, or whore-hunting. but manliness itself. A party solely devoted to one and only one thing... being a fucking man. I will detail the necessities of a "Man" party a bit later but first I want to talk about the party itself. The man party was not planned by yours truly, quite the contrary really. It was planned by Arthur's Hall Forum scourge, Max the Metrosexual. As you may have guessed Max is a bit of a parody, and the fact that so many of you argue with Max shows your gullibility. Actually, Max (as we will call him) is a good friend of Assistant Viking Shatner, in fact they are old college buddies. Max had the idea for this party I am sure partially due to this site and as any real man would do, he invited me as the guest of honor. I accepted this invitation thinking that I could help spread the word of manliness to some emasculated Seattle guys. Shatner and I arrived together and were greeted with a house that was set up for some serious manliness. On the snack table sat a service plate with four brands of chew which I, of course added to. Beef jerky and pork rinds were also prominently displayed for nourishment. I thought to myself, "Arthur, this man party seems to be a good idea". Shatner and I were the first to arrive, and Shatner did his best to add some additional testosterone. He packed along a bag of manly literature including "The Education of a Bodybuilder" by none other than Arnold (it was displayed in front of somewhat feminine art, what else would you expect of Max anyway), two copies of Beowulf and three NRA catalogs. He also had the foresight to remember that video games are manly so he brought some of the manly classics from our formative years; Contra, Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Pro Wrestling and Ice Hockey. For our listening enjoyment he also provided an excellent mix of Iron Maiden, Guns and Roses, Metallica and Motorhead. Max also had some Johnny Cash so that was also part of our musical menu for the night. We knew that at some point we should watch a movie and what movies would Shatner and I bring to a "Man" party? Well shit, of course we brought Predator and Pumping Iron. There are no two movies that exemplify the Arthur's Hall vision of manliness more than these two. Max also provided some additional tobacco including something called Taboka, (a new product by Phillip Morris, a starter kit of chewing tobacco you could say) Red Man, and some spitless Swedish snus.
I thought that we should get our balls working so we popped in the manliest video game in history, Contra. Shatner and I defeated " The Vile Red Falcon" easily and we started up a tally of how many times the evil aliens of Contra were defeated. As a continuation of that idea, if you were to lose you would add your name to the ignominious list "Defeated by Falcon", luckily no one did lose. Shaming other men is certainly essential in a "Man" party so that list was essential to maintaining manly morale. So the Nintendo was fired up and the guests started to arrive. The setting of this party is critical to understanding its greatness. We were in God-forsaken Seattle . Seattle is, without question, the most feminine city in the US not called San Francisco , so getting 10 or so men together to celebrate manliness only speaks to the latent desire that exists in all men. The desire to be a man. Our society may be feminizing us by the thousands but the popularity of this party and my site in general shows that men still want to be men. All these men need is a forum to explore their manliness... and a "Man" party and Arthur's Hall of Viking Manliness are just the places for that exploration. Back to the party. the guys started showing up around 8:00 and I am quite sure that they did not know what to expect. They knew that they would be graced by my presence but I am not sure they understood the impact that I would have on their lives. They probably thought that I was just some dork with a great imagination and unmatched literary brilliance, (that much is true) but I was touched deeply by the response of these somewhat feminized men. Most of the guests brought manly things like beer (not Bud Light mind you... that shit is for women - they brought the real shit), chew, and whiskey. By the end of the night our guests had a dizzying array of manly victuals to choose from including 10 different varieties of chewing tobacco, pork rinds, beef jerky, sardines, "Man" cheese (can cheese of course), an endless array of high density beer, multiple brands of whiskey and gin, cigars, and pipe tobacco. We also cooked up a giant pan of bacon and much to my surprise a so-called man who claimed to be a vegetarian stepped up and ate some bacon. This is only the tip of the iceberg of the type of impact we can have. The "Man" party is not only a celebration of your greatest gift, testosterone, but also an opportunity to spread the good news of being a man to your testosterone challenged friends, families, and co-workers. In Christianity, there is something called the "Great Commission" that calls for all Christians to spread the good news of Jesus Christ. I am calling this party the first part of my "Greatest Commission" to spread the word of true manliness to the edges of the Earth.
Some of the other highlights of the "Man" party were me defeating Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out on my first attempt after not playing a Nintendo game in at least four years. Yes, I am that great. Most of you people out there could not beat Tyson in your prime Nintendo playing years, but I, being the genius that I am, crushed that twisted rapist in no time. Another classic moment was one of the attendees making a bacon sardine man-cheese sandwich without bread. That's right. just take two pieces of bacon, place a man cheese slathered sardine between them and enjoy. That is fucking manly!! I also showed all the lesser men how it was done and took seven different varieties of chew and combined them together in what could be the largest chew in the history of mankind. And no. I did not get dizzy. Now comes the important thing... it is time for all of you, the Vikings of Arthur's Hall, to start having "Man" parties nationwide. Spare no expense men... invite everyone you can think of, and introduce what being a real man is to the pussy-ass masses. Make sure that you, being the honorary Viking, lead the charge and I will be with you in spirit. Do not disappoint me. Here is what you will need:
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