Co-ed High Schools and the Mingling of the Sexes

One thing which I have always been against in principle is the concept of co-ed religious high schools. This does not mean that there can’t be exceptions made in certain circumstances. But for the most part I think they create more problems than they solve.

My reasons are very simple. The teenage years are the ones where interest in the opposite sex really begins. As such, it can be quite a distraction from studies. High school then becomes as much of a social scene as it does place of learning. The attractions that go along with the social scene do not leave the mind once the bell rings …especially if the object of the attraction sits three rows up. It is very difficult to study under these circumstances. The attraction easily becomes a distraction.

Now it is true that the better students can focus on their studies in such an environment but not everyone is capable of focusing on one's studies while resisting the call of socializing with the opposite sex. This is especially true at the age of “raging hormones” and that distracts from one’s education.

There is the counter argument that co-ed schools teaches one the social graces or appropriate interaction between the sexes. And it provides an opportunity for practicing all that is learned in that respect in the home or elsewhere. But I think that benefit pales in comparison to the detriment of the often enormous pressures of the social scene that takes place within the confines of a co-ed school. To me it is a no brainer. In single sex schools the distraction is comletely removed from the environment, leaving it a far more conducive place to learn.

And then there is that other tiny little matter of overcoming the natural sex drive one begins to exprience at that age. If a teenage boy is constantly surrounded by girls all the time he cannot help but think about them. And in some cases it can become obsessive even without their presence at any given moment. Of course the sex drive exists in the students of single sex schools too and can take up much of a teenage boy’s thoughts even he is at the finest of Yeshivos. But having those strong feelings coupled with the constant stimuli of the opposite sex around you, can make overcoming those feelings almost impossible. This can lead to all sorts of problems, from violating Halachos of Tznius, to violating various degrees of Erva... or much, much worse. And “worse” happens more often than one might think. Why expose our high school age children to such Nisyonos? I think it is a bad idea. Period.

Which makes it so perplexing that there is one respected MO rabbi, a brilliant man who I consider to be a role model of behavior... and of rabbonus, that sends his children to a co-ed school. Doesn’t he realize the level of Nisayon he put’s his children under? I just hope he doesn’t regret it. And his example will no doubt encourage other “fence sitting” parents to opt for a co-ed high school, too. I worry for those children. They may not have the parental role model this rabbi’s children have.

This being said, I do not think there should be total separation between the sexes during the high school years. The extreme of complete avoidance is no good either which is the case in the more ultra Orthodox circles. This can easily cause socially retarded behavior. That doesn’t mean it can’t be quickly overcome once an individual starts Shiddach dating. But it is a very awkward and in my view unnecessary way to start.

I would also note that I am not including Chasidim in this analysis. They have their own system that is so out of mainstream America that they are beyond the scope of this essay. I am not judging the value of their practices in this regard. They have their measures of successes and failures. But I don’t think one can apply any parts of this essay to their situation. I speak here only of what I feel would be the ideal for the non Chasidic mainstream of both Charedim and the Modern Orthodox.

Ideally there should be some degree of social interaction in controlled environments such as a Shabbos meal between two families with children of the opposite sex. This induces a feeling of comfort later in life when it becomes necessary, such as when one seriously starts dating.

What about social organizations that are co-ed? I’m not sure. All the arguments pro and con exist there too. NCSY is one such organization. Should religious high schoolers attend NCSY? I don't know. I vacillate on this one because NCSY needs Frum kids as role models for the public high school kids. And in some cases the Frum NCSYers actually get Chizuk in their Yahadus. But the pitfalls of over-exposure to the opposite sex that occurs in co-ed high schools can occur in social organizations too. Just not on a daily basis. So on this issue I remain neutral and to be convinced one way or the other. The one thing I am fairly certain of is that the two extremes of the Charedi and MO communities are not ideal and can be conterproductive or even unhealthy for many young people.