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Jonathan Wolfman

Jonathan Wolfman
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Maryland, Northwest of The District,
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January 26
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^ pines for Mary Lin

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Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 28, 2010 6:31AM

2010's Most Incredibly Important Top-Ten Momentous Moments

Rate: 29 Flag

     Even occasionally respectable publications such as The New York Times and East Texas Large-Mouth Bass Fishing come out with their Top Ten Events of 2010. They list items such as the passage of health care reform, Massachusetts' Scott Brown's election to the Senate, the passage of health care reform despite Massachusetts' Scott Brown's election to the Senate, WikiLeaks' naming names, the stock market's turnabout, the employment numbers' non-turnabout...just so many.

     Yet as former House Speaker Tip O'Neill said,

                          All Localities is Local.

So clearly any Top Ten that includes a foreigner such as Leaky Assange cannot be sensible or right. Or North Korean  missiles. Or Pakistan or Afghanistan or Nevadastan. Or my former classmate Stan Mandlebaum who went to live in Japan in the '70s running after some geisha and left his offspring unsprung still within Marilyn, his wife. As if they matter. Although you can see him and his geisha at Geishas 'n Classmates.com. So:

              I share here what does matter. Here is

                       The Top Ten of '10 from

                                  My Building

              (in the order of their happenstancing).

They are all Important; I will not degradade the Residents by presuminating an order of Criticality.

1-  January 3   Anthony Modugno, Apartment 328, 79, the grandson of the writer of the nightclub hit, Volare, makes love in our Indoor Pool at approximately 3:00 a.m. with his granddaughter's grandmother, fulfilling a "lifelong wish because we never could strike up the nerve to become members of the Mile High Club."

2-  February 25    Sonya Teitlebaum, Apartment 1602, 68, waits in line for seven hours at the Bethesda, Maryland Bloomies' Door only to learn from her daughter by cell phone, spurred to action by her father's frantic phone call--he awakes to find she's gone-- to look for her (Sonya)--  that the White Sale was at the Ames Department Store, Rte 34, Springfield, Vermont, and not at the Bethesda Bloomies after all. Which she believes to this day she heard on Federal Employee News Radio, A.M. 620 on Her Dial.

3-  March 8   Boris Brezhnev, Apartment 308, 62, grand-nephew of the former Soviet Leader, is given his third and final warning after he makes off with, on his shoulders, his second gym/locker room water cooler. When confronted with the cooler hooked up in his apartment, Mr. Brezhnev, reading from a laminated card, asks for political asylum in the United States.

4-  April  4,  Midori Yammamoto, Apartment 1452, 72, grand-niece of the Second War Japanese Admiral, hosts a sushi and challah baking class from which, she later claims, to have fed 800 during our three-day July black-out.

5-  June 7   Gertie Gundersheimer, Apartment 731, 88, leaves the building for the last time claiming that having lived here since "Brooklyn became a Borough in 1898" she was moving on to greener rail tracks in Staten Island. When her daughters point out (while lugging her bags through the lobby nonetheless) that our building is in Maryland not that far from The District of Columbia, Gertie shakes her head. "So they lied about that, too...."

6-  July 4   Michael Fitzsimmons, Apartment 1910, 47, is crowned Our Building's July-Day's Most Eligible Youngster at our annual Ladies' Choice Independence Bonfire and HokeyPokeyHula Dance. He wins the Limbo Contest with his partner, Sadie ("Satchmo") Silverman.

7-  August 28   Our Building hosts a Back-to-School Ice Cream Party for the nine people who live here under the age of 50.Michael Fitzsimmons attends and wins Musical Chairs.

8-  September 9   Jerry Simberg, Apartment 2106, former CIA Agent and carpet salesman, while watching British Inspector Morse Mysteries on tape at 4:38 a.m., looks out his window to see four men scaling the side of the Nuclear Regulatory Agency's Operations Center 24, across the street. He calls an old pal, still with the Agency, and the plot is foiled. The Washington Post doesn't give up the Nations of Origin of the tresspassers but Jerry tells me over drunks at our Outdoor Pool that three of the men are originally from Shaker Heights, Ohio and may be former employees of the Jewish Community Center in that Cleveland suburb. The fourth, he says, may be a foreigner from Texas.

9-  November 18   Sal Mineo, IV, Apartment 1102, holds an outdoor reading with selections from Lenny Bruce, Andrew Dice Clay, Yaakov Smirnoff, Jelly Roll Morton, Buck Henry, Phyllis Diller, and Dick Gregory. He caps off the evening by singing Allen Ginsberg's poem, Howl, with music composed for the event by NSYNC. The entire building attends and is mesmerised despite the chill in the air.

10-  December 6   Raisa Gorbachev, II, granddaughter of the former Russian Leader's wife, Apartment 1307, makes off with 27 assorted poppy seed, caraway seed, melon-ball, onion, marble, and asiago cheese bagels from the Morning Coffee & Bagel Service in the Piano Room (just off the Library). She has stuffed them in an oversized, green beach bag.  She is confronted in the elevator by our Concierge, Cindy Simone Sineeze. Ms. Gorbachev, II, explains that she did not steal the bagels but that we are all part of a Collective here, Everyone Must Take According to Her Need. And she needs 27 Assorted Bagels.

     I am certain you see now why this is the only Top Tens of any genuine momentusness. What are your Top Ten?

 

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I really don't think you can top these.
This is hilarious. Your mind works in mysterious ways. R
This is so funny. I'm glad I wasn't the only one freezing outside the Bethesda Bloomies waiting for the white sale that wasn't. ~r
So THAT'S what happened to Satchmo Silverman? I haven't seen her since middle school!
Crank she really misses you, too!
They lied about that too - hilarious!
Oh Jon... this was so funny and congrats on the EP!!
Linda so pleased you enjoyed!
Jon, you could write for Dave Letterman....or better yet, Craig Ferguson. Good stuff here, you had me rolling... Thanks for the best of the morning so far!
This was brilliant, Jonathan! Loved every one of them! The things we miss by living in single family homes! What a montage of personalities and events!
This has to be your funniest yet! Number 4 gave me a really good cackle, but they're all really good!
Thank you so much for this morning's smile factor.
Rated
From the Wausau Herald, AKA, The Local Rag:
Thursday, June 24, 2010.
"XJS, an avid golfer was out playing with his usual partners, one of whom is a physician who moved here to escape his mother, Hymie Ginsfelter.
It was reported that, every time one of the players hit a ball near some other golfers, they would responsibly holler FORE!!
Every time one of the players hollered FORE, Dr Ginsfelter immediately hollered SKIN!!
Cathy/PW/XJS/JustTh thanks so much!
Gertie sounds like just my type. I'll bet she likes the Green Bay Packers!
i love #7. i was always great at musical chairs. nappy NY, jonathan!
It must be a trip living in a building where everyone speaks different languages and have lived all over the world!
Raisa taught me everything about stretching a dollar on one's food budget. Hysterically funny stuff Jon! You are a man of many talents! ;}
Wow! What a historic cast of lunatics, Jon. Hilarious.

Lezlie
OMG!!! I can't stop howling. You're a hoot, dude.
I don't think I can top these either. Well done and nice to see it on the cover.
Thanks for a great comic relief in an otherwise stressful work day!

Ellen
You're right, Jon. These are untoppable ! HNY 2U.
VERY untoppable! Thank you for the laughter! It made up for the fact that the pear I just had for lunch was still rather green (not referring to the color of the peel). FORE!
Congrats on the EP. Feels good, doesn't it. You really have me thinking here even after 9 hours on the job.
Just Jali Smiling and rating.
Linda thanks!

Past-V I'm so glad!

FusunA and 2 u, mon amieeee canadiennne-turkiye (is that even close???)

Jali so pleased !

Ellen YW!

Mime Thanks!!

B. I so AM!

Leslie you would love this oony place!

Muse A Yaakov Joke; in the Russia of the '80s supermarkets had a special Libe ONE ITEM OR LESS....
O Jon! Your building makes mine look so, so, well, bland. You have such a descriptive way about you. When are you going to do a book of short stories? Rated with love
This is absolutely, hands down, the best thing you've ever written.
What a way to start the new year!

Congrats on your e.p. too!

B
Adel we're pretty esclusive....
Buddy wow thanks so much!
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