Here are a few product review posted today from other blogs we follow.

It sounds like the person who named the Kickbutt Amped Energy Ballz has extreme adjective Tourette’s syndrome. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

Stride upgraded their spearmint gum to version 2.0. But what if it’s buggy or the flavor drains too quickly, can I downgrade to version 1.0? (via Gum Alert)

For years I’ve wondered what the Makara in Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon meant. After seeing all the products they’ve been in and reading about them being an ingredient in this candy, I think it might mean “whore.” (via Candyblog)

It sounds like the person who named the Quorn Meatless and Soy-Free Turky Burger has unappetizing adjective Tourette’s syndrome. (via Freezer Burns)

Are you disappointed you can’t get an energy pick up because alcoholic energy drink Sparks has been banned in your area? Well Stride Gum has your back with their new line of Spark gum which contains the energizing B6 and B12 vitamins.

Unfortunately, the gum seems to lack caffeine, but at least you won’t get into any accidents with the gum, like you might if you consumed a Sparks energy drink, unless you have trouble chewing gum and walking at the same time.

But I can understand why Stride would leave out caffeine, since it has an extremely bitter flavor. Although having a bitter flavor would solve Stride’s made up problem of people not spitting out their gum.

I don’t know how much B vitamins are in a stick of Stride Spark gum, but a serving of most energy drinks contain 100 percent of your daily recommended intake of B6 and B12 vitamins, so hopefully it’s around there.

Stride Spark gum will come in two flavors: Kinetic Mint and Kinetic Fruit. It will be available early next year in 14-piece packs.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Eating fried chicken is a Christmas tradition in Japan. No, seriously. I’m not joking. Hmm…I wonder what fried foods people in Japan eat for eight straight days during Hanukkah? (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

The Focker trilogy makes Star Wars Episodes 1-3 look damn good and Jar Jar Binks slightly tolerable. Let’s hope they don’t make prequel called The Focker Menace. (via Pajiba)

A company named 18 Rabbits makes granola bars? If I put two of their granola bars in a cage, will I have a litter of their granola bars about a month later? (via I Ate A Pie)

Just like Pop-Tarts without frosting on top, bubble gum cigarettes are still around. (via Gum Alert)

I’m afraid to learn what flautas are. To me, it sounds like the way to say “farts” in Spanish. (via Freezer Burns)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I didn’t know Panera Bread makes their own potato chips. I wonder if people buy a bag just so they can hang out at a Panera to use their free WiFi? (via Munchies Blog)

I miss chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. I also miss the tooth I lost from chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. (via Gum Alert)

It’s rare that the picture on a product’s packaging looks worse than the actual product. Seriously, the picture on the box looks like home insulation foam enclosed in box made with pressed wood. (via On Second Scoop)

Asahi is Japan’s largest brewery, so it surprises me that their beverage called 9 PM isn’t a beer. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Hmm…I’m trying to figure out which is more disgusting: bacon gumballs or haggis-flavored chips? It would be an easier decision if the haggis-flavored chips were packaged inside of a sheep’s stomach. (via Foodstuff Finds)

Vitamin C, ginseng and white tea are usually found in beverages, but Trident is stuffing each of them into a chewing gum to create their Vitality Gum line. The three varieties of the sugar-free gum include:

Awaken – a peppermint flavored gum with a bit of ginseng.
Rejuve – a combination of mint and white tea without the need for -nate.
Vigorate – a mix of citrus and strawberry with vitamin C and without an in-.

It’s unclear how much ginseng is in a piece of Awaken and the amount of white tea in a piece of Rejuve, but Vigorate is said to contain 10 percent of our daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

Oooh, 10 percent! Now I can stop sucking on limes to prevent scurvy.

The Trident Vitality line will be available early next year, come in nine-piece packs and retail for $1.29.

This year on Black Friday I slept in and ate pie for breakfast. From then until a matinee showing of Harry Potter, I had time to kill, so I embarked upon a ruthless search for my first review topic. My strategy was to go where the crowd most definitely would not be: CVS.

Like all drug stores, CVS isn’t meant for the early, targeted bargain shopper. Drug stores are where the most terrible gifts are born around midnight every Christmas Eve. The Bumpits. The ShamWows. The best of the past year’s late night infomercial onslaught, proudly on display for the non-insomniac market, ready to proclaim, “The only thought I put into this was whether or not it would fit into this mostly mold-free, empty box I found in the basement yesterday. Happy frickin’ holidays!” On the biggest shopping day of the year, however, I saw maybe four or five people in the whole store who didn’t work there and weren’t related to me. It was consumer heaven.

Faced with many horrible convenience food options, some of which might technically be considered “dietary supplements” or “experimental chemical amalgams” rather than “food,” I felt a little like a sacrificial product sampling lamb – an experience I had hoped to stave off at least until my second review. Luckily, I took a last minute jaunt down the candy aisle, where I found all three varieties of Extra Dessert Delights sugar-free gum lined up like shining beacons of hope in the midst of a texture-impaired, corn syrupy storm.

I tore into the mint chocolate chip flavor first. Unwrapping the plastic released a surprising burst of what I would’ve assumed was real mint chocolate ice cream, if I’d kept my eyes closed. Inside, the gum appeared greenish blue and fairly nondescript. No chocolate flecks. No color swirls. No frills whatsoever.
At first chew, the stuff tastes like any other mint gum, but then it gets oddly cold, in this deeply unnatural yet refreshing way. It’s like slightly melted ice cream with a gum base. Given a few seconds of chewing, the chocolate finally kicks in. The whole process is very Willy Wonka. You’ll wonder what the hell is happening in your mouth until gradually you stop caring and settle into the delicious symphony of flavors and disconcerting chilliness (which I have to admit I’d miss had they not cooked up some creepy chemical way to include it). I feel like there’s another obvious joke to be made in correlation with that last statement, but I can’t quite wrap my head around it. Hmm… Oh well.

The strawberry shortcake gum smelled authentic, too. I could definitely perceive the shortcake. Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about. Go buy a package of shortcakes. Rip it open. Inhale. Now go smell this gum. I’ll wait and then, as your eyes grow wide and you acknowledge the accuracy of my account, I’ll say, “I know, right?”

I found myself suddenly transported back to Midwestern days of yore, picking strawberries right from the patch under the blazing June sun, wearing one of those cute little shirts that tied at the shoulders along with my heart-shaped sunglasses, my hands sticky with berry goop from accidentally grabbing rotten ones.

And – oh God, it’s so cold here! Southern California is broken! On top of that, I decided to hang a decorated glow-in-the-dark skeleton over the heater rather than have the gas turned on. I felt so bold back in the summer when I made that decision. I was tough, damn it – a gritty, blizzard-beaten Illinoisan through and through. But now it is December and I’m very worried about hypothermia. Word on the street is that it is quite the insidious killer.

Oh wait. Sorry. Gum.

The gum basically gave my mouth a brief vacation from reality without ever truly overwhelming my senses. The taste is a bit more muted than the mint chip kind, but pleasant. Mostly I got a sweet real strawberry flavor with hints of something more, but none of the bold shortcake experience promised by the gum’s aroma. I would’ve said this knocked it out of the park had I not just witnessed the spectacular home run blasted into the stratosphere by mint chip. Even so, this definitely manages to clear the wall somewhere far out in right field. It’s fair, people. Cue the fireworks. I wish it were at least April. Can you hear me weather gods? I’m willing to settle!

Finally, we come to my citrusy old friend, key lime pie. On Sunday, my brother-in-law knocked a bunch of limes off the tree in his backyard, prompting some spur-of-the-moment baking. Quite out of the blue, I had the real thing handy for comparison. Yay! The real thing definitely wins. Just putting that out there. I mean, seriously, the only way to make that pie fresher would’ve been to juice the limes straight from the tree, and that just seems unnecessary. On the flip side, this version has five calories. So there’s that.

The gum definitely does taste pie-like, following closely in the footsteps of its excellently rendered neighbors. The flavor is very middle-of-the-road family restaurant key lime pie, harkening back to a particular slice I consumed at the Bonanza in Mt. Vernon, Illinois back in the late nineties. I must say, it’s less daunting as a gum. I was a little leery of the lime flavor becoming monotonous and too sour, because I am a wimp. I’m sorry I ever doubt you, Extra. Please forgive me. It tastes like a Starburst with more longevity and no real sugar. I appreciate that even the pie on the box hasn’t been artificially dyed electric-green… like that pie at Bonanza. I only remember it so vividly because I found an entire old hot dog under my chair that same night. I wonder if that place is still around?

Anyway, you’re done reading now. Go try these gums, especially the choco-minty kind, unless you don’t like mint chocolate or happiness. Extra has blessed us all with holiday-levels of indulgence, minus the added layer of seasonal blubber. Even if you were to blow through a whole pack in one sitting (which I totally considered) that’s still twenty-five calories short of a single Double-Stuf Oreo.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Extra Dessert Delights Gum reviews:
Candygurus
Gum Alert – Mint Chocolate Chip and Key Lime Pie
Grub Grade
Foodette Reviews
Snack Love – Key Lime Pie and Strawberry Shortcake

Item: Extra Dessert Delights Sugar Free Gum (Mint Chocolate Chip, Key Lime Pie, and Strawberry Shortcake)
Price: $1.29
Size: 15 sticks/pack
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Mint Chocolate Chip)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry Shortcake)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Key Lime Pie)
Pros: Pie for breakfast. Post-apocalyptic shopping situations. The Willy Wonka flavor presentation method. Five calorie desserts. Glow-in-the-dark skeletons. Shortcake. The chill of ice cream without subsequent tongue numbness. Fresh picked limes made into a pie. Starbursts you can chew on forever. Pretty much everything else about the mint chocolate chip variety. Warmth.
Cons: Last minute gifts. Corn syrup storms. The mystery of how it’s possible for gum to stay cold for twenty minutes. Grabbing rotten strawberries. Hypothermia. The shortcake element being a total tease. Most of my trips to Bonanza. Trying to juice a lime without picking it.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Turkey Perky Jerky is quite quirky, but I think its energy giving ability is quite murky. Yeah, suck it, Dr. Seuss! I got the juice. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

If Hot Pockets keeps attaching pockets to their Hot Pockets, will we soon have to call them Hot Cargo Pants? (via Freezer Burns)

The Food and Drug Administration is banning alcoholic energy drinks. I hope they’re not also planning to ban beer battered fries. (via Yum Yucky)

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a brownie hooked up with an Oreo cookie, wonder no more. (via Food Junk)

If only high fructose corn syrup was something I could buy off the shelf, then I would have something incestuous to sweeten Korean corn tea with. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Lotte Green Gum has chlorophyll. If I chew an entire pack, will I knock myself unconscious? Oh wait, I’m being told chloroform knocks people out. Dammit! Now I know why I’m having so much trouble kidnapping people at the park. (via Snack Love)

Wrigley’s 5 Gum is marketed to teens and since they were introduced a few years ago, the flavors available have grown at a rate equal to the number of Real Housewives shows. Because teen tastes change more often than Lady Gaga changes outfits during a concert, it’s easy to see why Wrigley’s continues to pump out new flavors of their gum that comes in cool black boxes.

Their soon-to-be latest will be the juicy green apple-flavored Wrigley’s 5 Vortex. It’s the second straight fruit-flavored gum for the Wrigley’s 5 Gum line. Vortex follows the watermelon-flavored Prism.

The sugar-free gum will come in the standard 15 piece packs.

Since I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I don’t get the opportunity to face the extreme nipple-hardening weather many of you are experiencing or will be experiencing.

I’ve discovered one of the few ways my nipples can experience what your nipples are (or will be) going through is to wet my pointer fingers with my tongue after sucking on a popsicle and then using those fingers to rub my nipples in a circular motion until they’re stiff enough to poke an eye or make it look like there are two volcanoes sticking out of the hairy forest on my chest.

Because it’s extremely rare for me to experience temperatures well below 68 degrees for days, weeks or months at a time, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be standing in the checkout line in a warm grocery or convenience store and be reminded of the harsh, fripple-inducing weather outside by the chewing gum and mint flavors on the shelves next to the checkout counter.

These flavors include: Wintermint, Cool Rush, WinterFresh, Polar Ice, Cool Mint, Winterfrost, Midnight Cool, Dragonfruit Freeze, Arctic Chill, Wintergreen, Lemon Ice, Crystal Frost and Shiver Mint. Brrrr. My nipples are a little stiff from just saying those names.

Another product that might depress someone before heading out into frigid weather is the new Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints. Yup, it’s got the words “ice” and “frost” in its name, a word for each nipple.

While Altoids describes their mints as, “Curiously Strong,” Ice Breakers alliterates their Frost Mints as “Perfectly Powerful.” Each circular Frost Mint is roughly the size of my nipples and has the same “flavor crystals” found in Ice Breakers gum. However, those crystals are part of a chalky coating and once that coating melts away, all that’s left is a smooth meek mint.

Overall, they’re good peppermint-flavored mints and are “Perfectly Powerful” for those who can’t handle the minty burn of regular Altoids. I estimate the Frost Mints provide 75 percent of the minty power of Altoids, but that’s not enough for me. Because as someone who masochistically sticks several Altoids in my mouth at one time while simultaneously rubbing my nipples, that 75 percent doesn’t come close to satisfying my desire for painful minty pleasure.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 mint – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohols and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints
Price: $2.19
Size: 1.2 ounces/Approx. 30 mints
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good peppermint-flavored mint. Sugar-free. Perfectly powerful for those who can’t tolerate the curiously strong Altoids. Putting the word nipple in every paragraph of this review. Minty pleasure.
Cons: Once outer coating melts away, minty flavor weakens. Uses some artificial flavor. Won’t satisfy those who enjoy the slightly painful sensation of Altoids. Fripple-inducing weather. Container is not as cool as an Altoids tin. Being reminded of the cold weather by chewing gums and mints.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow. If you visit them, please leave a comment that says either hello, Happy Halloween or BOO! YAH!

Just in time for the holiday that involves people dressing up is the McSandwich that’s dressed up to look like a slab of ribs. (via Grub Grade)

I wish I had a gum that helped me concentrate and improve memory in college. Actually, I wish I had a gum that helped me cheat. (via Gigi Reviews)

This gummy rat in trap should be available year-round for not only those who want to make a fake haunted house, but also those who want to make a fake Hoarders house. (via Sugar Pressure)

The only thing scary about Choc-o-Lantern Pop-Tarts is the high fructose corn syrup in it. (via Junk Food Betty)

Pepsi Mont Blanc is the fanciest sounding soda I’ve heard of since Goya’s Cola Champagne. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Popeye’s has a sandwich called the Po’ Boy (poor boy) and it costs four dollars. If a poor boy is buying a four dollar sandwich, I know why he’s poor. He hasn’t heard of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. (via An Immovable Feast)

Happy Halloween!

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

I didn’t know there were Xbox 360 controller-shaped caffeinated soaps. I guess it’ll give me something else to play with while in the shower. (via Possessed By Caffeine)

Wrigley produced chewing gums that are supposed to taste like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream and Strawberry Shortcake. Hey, Wrigley! You know what would make a great flavor for gum? Listerine. Or meat. (via Foodette Reviews and Snack Love)

If I don’t get a Ghostbusters 3 movie next year, the only way I could cope is by toasting Stay Puft Caffeinated Marshmallows with a proton pack stream. (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

If you want to consume 1,800 milligrams of caffeine and 37,500 percent of your daily recommended intake of vitamin B12 at one time, now you can. But I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you want to experience the greatest crash ever — death. (via What I Drink At Work)

Ben & Jerry’s now has a snickerdoodle ice cream, which means they’ve created ice cream flavors of two of my least favorite cookies: snickerdoodles and ginger snaps. I hope they don’t make an ice cream based on my third least favorite cookie — the Spritzgebäck. (via On Second Scoop)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Wrigley’s 5 gum has a watermelon flavor called Prism. Hmm…Cobalt, Rain, Flare, Elixir, Solstice and now Prism. It’s like Wrigley is trying to encourage children to study science and math through chewing gum names. Or if you just count Rain and Solstice, they’re encouraging children to become TV news meteorologists. (via Gum Alert)

The latest Carl’s Jr. creation combines a burger with a Philly Cheesesteak. I’m not impressed. If they combined a burger with a Philly Cheesesteak, Coney Island hot dog, chicken strip and beef burrito, and called it the Carl’s Jr. Meat Megazord, then I would be impressed. (via Junk Food Betty)

Trader Joe’s sells something called manitaropita. Sounds like Trader Joe’s has gone into the business of selling rare sexually transmitted diseases. (via Gigi Reviews)

Hey, Jelly Belly! Quit making hard jawbreaking candy and just do what you do best, which is make unnatural tasting jellybeans. Oh wait, it seems you also make natural tasting jellybeans. (via Sugar Pressure and Foodstuff Finds)

Subway has an exclusive Sun Chips flavor — Monterey Jack and Sundried Tomato. Great. More options. Now extremely indecisive people will not only have a plethora of veggie options of mull over, but also a vast array of crunchy chips. (via Does It Hit The Spot?)

If Bud Light is going to make up a word like “drinkability” in order to describe their shitty, watery beer, I’m going to create my own lingo when talking about chewing gum.

Despite what a few people think, some chewing gums don’t taste the same. Is a show starring Alec Baldwin the same as a show starring Daniel or William Baldwin? Does Kathie Lee Gifford scare away children when wearing makeup or without makeup? (Okay, that’s was bad example, because she scares either way.) But is a douche bag holding fluid to clean a vagina worse than a douchebag holding Heidi Montag?

Bottom line. There is a difference and some chewing gums have it. It’s called chewability — that just right taste that lasts long enough to make your breath smell like something other than the onions you just ate, satisfy your oral fixation or mask your alcohol-stained breath during a police DUI checkpoint.

The Trident Layers Gum has chewability…most of the time it’s in my mouth, and for a length of time that’s equivalent to how long I last in bed.

It comes in two duo flavors: Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple. Each Trident Layers piece looks like a crustless jelly sandwich one might find in an LSD-induced psychedelic dream, or if you’re George Clinton, a Funkadelic dream, baby.

The gum may be layered, but its flavor comes in waves. The Green Apple + Golden Pineapple flavor starts off tasting like a Jolly Rancher green apple candy, but then after about a minute, it starts tasting somewhat like pipe tobacco for 30 seconds. After that it’s pineapple flavor all the way. As for the Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus, it begins with a strong citrus flavor, which I believe is orange. After the citrus flavor subsides at about the two minute mark, the berry flavor kicks in. Both varieties begin to really lose their flavor after about ten minutes.

I enjoyed both flavors of Trident Layers, although not during those 30 seconds when the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. It’s like I’m chewing an adult version of Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious gum, except it’s hard to blow a decent-sized bubble with this gum.

But bubbles blowing don’t matter when it comes to chewability. And it also doesn’t matter to blowability, which is used to describe (use your imagination here).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Gigi Reviews tried them both, as well. Snack Love reviewed the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple flavor. Also, a whole lot of mommy blogs reviewed it as well, because they got it for free, but I’m not going to link to them, because the link list would be longer than the review above.)

Item: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Price: $1.24
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Tangy Citrus & Green Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Pros: Nice flavors. Soft chew. Flavors come in waves. They look super cool when trippin’ on LSD. George Clinton. Alec Baldwin acting in 30 Rock.
Cons: For about 30 seconds the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. Looses flavor quicker than I would like. Kathie Lee Gifford with or without makeup. Daniel or William Baldwin acting in anything.

I wish Orbit Gum would stop pussyfooting around it.

The girly drink flavors have to come to an end and they have to develop beer-flavored chewing gum. It seems like the next logical step for Orbit, unless they want to go all Willy Wonka on us and make a three-course-dinner gum.

I’ve even come up with beer gum names they can use for a small upfront five-figure fee and future royalties: Aroma Ale and Muddy Minty Stout.

Right now, Orbit has four flavors named after girly alcoholic beverages: Sangria Fresca, Fabulous Fruitini, Mint Mojito and, their latest, Pina Colada. Although, before they come out with their beer-flavored gum, I hope they introduce a margarita flavor, which I believe is the Official Drink of College Girls Who End Up On Girls Gone Wild Videos.

The scent of the Orbit Pina Colada is part coconut and part pineapple, which, obviously, makes sense since they’re two of the main ingredients in a pina colada. Here’s something not so obvious about coconuts and pineapples; they make excellent weapons in close combat.

The hard exterior of coconuts can knock out an opponent or be used as a shield, while a pineapple can cause brief paralysis, but it’s not due to its spiky skin, instead it’s from the shock of being attacked with a fruit.

I’m not a fan of pina coladas, coconuts or asinine news anchor banter, unless it contains the phrase “keep fucking that chicken,” but I really enjoyed the flavor of this gum. It has a strong, sweet pineapple flavor with a bit of coconut, and there’s a little bit of mint, but not enough to make me think it’s freshening my breath. After about four minutes of chewing, it loses most of its flavor, but I kept it in my mouth for another 20 minutes or so before I had to spit it out due to an almost complete lack of flavor.

While it may not contain any alcohol, unless you consider sugar alcohol something you can get wasted off of, and it’s kind of a girly flavor, I think the Orbit Pina Colada Gum is quite tasty and I’ll continue to purchase it. If you’re looking to add something different to your chewing gum rotation, this would make a fine pick…until Orbit Muddy Minty Stout Gum is available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Snack Love loved it and so did Gigi Reviews.)

Item: Orbit Pina Colada Gum
Price: $1.17
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great pineapple/coconut flavor. Sugar free. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time. Something different to add to chewing gum rotation. News anchor bloopers ending up on YouTube.
Cons: Not really minty. No alcohol. Asinine news anchor banter. Being attacked by a coconut or pineapple. No beer flavored gum, yet.

The Eclipse Breeze Gum contains an ingredient called cardamom, which sounds less like an ingredient and more like a dancehall reggae artist. Big up! According to the packaging, “Cardamom is a natural ingredient that has been used for centuries in Asian and India to freshen breath and is scientifically proven to neutralize even the toughest breath odors from coffee, garlic, onions and even smoking.”

This bad breath beating gum comes in two flavors: Exotic Mint and Exotic Berry. I have no idea what’s exotic about them. I’ve been to a number of places with the word “exotic” in their name, so I think I might know a little something about being exotic.

For example, I’ve been to Exotic Nights, Exotic Nites, Exotic Knights, Exotic Heaven, Club Exotic, Exotic Club, Platinum Exotic, Exotic Dreams, Wild Exotic, Exotic Pulse, Exotic Gold, Exotic Indulgences, Exotic House, Exotic Ecstasy, Exotic Moon, Exotic Moon 2, and Exotic Moon 3.

From my experiences at these fine establishments, I don’t think the flavors of the Eclipse Breeze gum are exotic because they don’t make me want to spit out dollar bills, like a human ATM, into the g-strings of female 20-somethings, or occasionally, usually during the day, 30-somethings with cesarean section scars.

Unlike most of the latest chewing gums, the Eclipse Breeze doesn’t have a strong flavor. While others give a big minty kick, these are more like a nudge. But don’t let that nudge fool you, the cardamom does an excellent job of freshening your breath, but it doesn’t do it by burning your mouth with mint flavor.

While the Eclipse Breeze gum does great with turning your foul breath into something much more pleasant, I wish the flavor of the Exotic Berry didn’t make me want to punch my own face to spit it out. At the beginning, it had a decent fake strawberry-ish flavor, but once I penetrated its hard outer shell, its taste quickly turned medicine-like, making me wonder if I was being punished for something.

As for the Exotic Mint, it was significantly better than Exotic Berry and its flavor reminded me of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum, but I was disappointed a set of hot blonde twins didn’t come with it.

I guess I’ll have to go to Exotic Moon 2 for that.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 pieces – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Gigi Reviews also didn’t care for the Exotic Berry, but enjoyed the Exotic Mint. Snack Love reviewed the Exotic Mint.)

Item: Eclipse Breeze Gum (Exotic Berry & Exotic Mint)
Price: $1.25
Size: 12-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Exotic Berry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Exotic Mint)
Pros: Does an excellent job of freshening breath quickly. Sugar free. Exotic Mint tastes like Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum. Five calories for two pieces. Exotic Moon 2.
Cons: Exotic Berry flavor was somewhat vile. Doesn’t have strong flavors. Flavors weren’t exotic and didn’t make me want to become a human ATM near women in g-strings. Cardamom sounds like a reggae artist. Exotic Knights, which got its name because Exotic Nights and Exotic Nites were already taken.