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Orgasms
No stimulation from intercourse
Originally Published: September 30, 1994
 
Dear Alice

Yet again, another question about intercourse and (female) orgasms. I am 25 and have been having intercourse for about 1 1/2 years and have never experienced even the remotest possibility of climaxing from intercourse. Intercourse does NOTHING for me. I've read the Hite Report, I know it claims that only 30% of women orgasm from intercourse alone; however, most women who say they don't orgasm from intercourse say that they at least receive some arousal or stimulation or pleasure from the sensation--it just doesn't lead them to orgasm. However, I have never received the SLIGHTEST sexual pleasure from intercourse--and it's making me so unhappy and desperate that I feel I'm going insane. --Searching for pleasure

 

Dear Searching for pleasure,

Alice thinks that women rarely feel orgasmic pleasure from intercourse, it's more a feeling of closeness and intimacy with your partner. Try thinking about intercourse as a reciprocal process-- you open up to enclose your partner and surround him, as he penetrates you. For intercourse to give you pleasure, you must feel aroused, sexually excited, your vagina wet and open. Often it takes women longer, much longer, than men to become aroused. If you are sexually inexperienced, or angry with your partner, or have a partner who only practices the "in and out" of intercourse and not the lovemaking that surrounds it, then penetration (especially if your vagina is dry) can be boring, unpleasant, or even painful.

Remember when having sex to do whatever gives YOU the most pleasure. Sometimes you might feel open and ready for intercourse immediately, more often you will want your partner to first touch, rub, kiss or lick your vulva and clitoris, using his hands, mouth or penis. Certain positions for intercourse will feel more exciting to you than others, and may differ each time you have sex. The "man on top" is not a "naturally" better position. You can sit or lie on him, or lie side by side. Sit up, facing him, with your legs over his and his penis in you, or he can enter you from behind and reach around to caress your clitoris. If you like deep penetration and pressure on your cervix, choose positions that make this more possible.

If you are not ready for orgasm and the man is highly aroused when you begin intercourse, he might reach orgasm too soon for you if he moves back and forth inside you and you move your pelvis against his quickly. Both of you can slow your movements until you start to become more excited. Experiment with holding your bodies still for a time when he enters you, then begin to move together slowly. Moving slowly can help men learn to delay ejaculation, which has the potential to make intercourse more pleasurable for both of you.

It is best if you can communicate with words or movements what feels best to you. It's possible that the men that you've been sexual with have been inexperienced, and not conscious of your body and pleasuring you. Try to take your time and be assertive about your needs in sex, instead of waiting for some magic to make the intercourse pleasurable. Be active about your sex life-- and see what happens!!

Alice

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