George Clooney's ego-trip to Sudan: yet another smug liberal celebrity invades Africa

George Clooney brings freedom to Africa!

There’s a scene in Team America: World Police – Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s stinging satire on dumb Hollywood blockbuster films and even dumber Hollywood liberals – where the Film Actors’ Guild (FAG) meets to discuss taking over the world. Alec Baldwin, head of this cult-like collection of self-important celebrities, says the world is run by “idiots” and therefore we need a new “International Advisory Committee that truly understands global politics – namely us”. Rapping the table in feverish agreement, George Clooney says: “We’ve all done action films. If anyone tries to get in our way, we’ll show them just how tough us actors really are.”

Now, life is imitating art, or rather life is imitating an OTT satire with Thunderbirds-style puppets. Putting his action movie skills to real-world use, Clooney is doing something so bizarre and egotistical that even the celebrity-cynical minds of Stone and Parker could not have dreamt it up. He has appointed himself overlord of the stand-off between northern and southern Sudan. He has made himself a mercenary in that vast and tense country and charged himself with spying on Khartoum’s military movements so that if anything out of the ordinary happens he can alert the UN. In short, irritated by the “idiots” who run political affairs – in this case the stupid Sudanese – he has transformed himself into a one-man “International Advisory Committee”.

Clooney, together with some wealthy Hollywood friends, Harvard researchers and the Center for American Progress, has hired satellites to monitor troop movements around the north-south border in Sudan. Believing that the referendum in southern Sudan over whether to separate from the north could lead to genocide, Clooney describes his satellite system as an “anti-genocide paparazzi”, where he wants the potential evildoers of Sudan to “enjoy the level of celebrity attention that I usually get”. Well, if Clooney has to suffer the ignominy of being papped while exiting Starbucks with a skinny hazelnut latte, why shouldn’t an entire, supposedly sovereign state also have to subject itself to the watchful gaze of Hollywood hunks imbued with the white man’s burden?

Where most celebs use their clout to hawk hair products or handbags, Clooney wants to deploy his to change the way Africans think and behave. He says the reason he is spying on Sudan from the sky is because “if you know that your actions are going to be covered, you tend to behave differently than when you operate in a vacuum”. Sudan, be warned: Big Brother is watching you. And he will demand your punishment by higher forces if you dare to step out of line. Even though, as one report points out, the satellite systems that are being used by this brat pack of Africa-invading celebrity colonialists only show about eight square miles per computer-screen pixel – a “level of imprecision that can be dangerous when trying to assign guilt or innocence in crimes against humanity”.

Perhaps the most extraordinary thing about this heartthrob invasion of the Heart of Darkness is how cavalier Clooney is about the fact that he is doing something that sounds as if it could be a little bit illegal. In this video interview he chuckles as he confesses that the US and the UN are ostensibly forbidden from spying on sovereign states in this way, “because there are laws against it”. But because he and his friends have money and moralism, they can do what they like. How hilarious! An actor and his buddies are doing something that would be considered illegal if a state did it! It is testament to today’s insane inflation of celebrity egos, and to the continued transformation of Africa into a plaything for Western liberals desperately seeking some moral purpose, that a Hollywood star can effectively make himself judge and jury of a whole country and no one bats an eyelid.