Ask Bossy

My boyfriend was doing the same thing. He was going on “trips” for work on weekends. But he was cheating on me. I suppose this is a good way of venting anonymously.

ps. We`re happily married now

Well i actually think it is about her - its about time she had a crack at life and take it as an opportunity to be a little more outgoing and meet some new people and have a good time for christ sake!

Why is it so damn difficult for people to actually live life????

Some people just don’t do well in these situations - telling them they should just ‘go and have a good time’ is ridiculous - they won’t if they are genuinely anxious about the situation.  Immersion therapy is something that has to be done with support, not on your own.  The fact that this woman is so anxious that she was compelled to write a letter about it tells me just how big a deal this is to her. 

I understand - I too have struggled with anxiety for a lot of my life - I just cannot face large groups of strangers in social situations.  I literally freeze up, and start looking for the exit.  I get incredibly stressed and this has physical reactions like nausea.  On occasion I have forced myself to go to something, but always leave fairly quickly - on a boat, this is not going to be an option - this is clearly her fear - not being able to get away when it gets too uncomfortable.  This might seem irrational to some, but its really unfair to dismiss it as ‘self absorption’ - it isn’t. Anxiety is really a horrible thing to live with.

My advice is not to force yourself into something that you are really uncomfortable with.  If the invitation is for you and a guest, is there a friend you can take with you?  Otherwise, just be honest with the woman - tell her you don’t like large groups of strangers at once - it freaks you out and the boat makes it really a high stress situation for you.  If she is a close enough friend to invite you to her wedding, she will understand that surely?

I really disagree with Iron Lady. I think that the more awkward it is for you, the more you have a golden opportunity to get over your fears. Presumably she invited you and no one else from work because she really wants you to come. Mention to her that you don’t know anyone and ask her to get a cousin or friend or someone to introduce you around a bit.

Some of the best functions I’ve been have been where I didn’t know anyone. Instead of hanging onto your clique the whole time you’re forced to meet people. Add some free booze and you’re sure to have a good time. And don’t forget the uncles, aunts, nana, etc. They may be older but they usually have great stories to tell about your friend when she was growing up - imagine the value of that for water cooler gossip!

Ok iron lady, you have some good points there, subject to the OP having actually having an anxiety problem. Those points are only worthwhile though (in the OPs case i mean) if this is the case of the OP and she acknowledges her current state and internally institutes a series of tasks and objectives aimed to result in eventually ‘going out and having a good time’. I mean fuck, it really is simple at the end of the day, but unfortunately the complex myriad of human experience bends real simple & basic human endeavour into perceived problems and unsurpassable obstacles.

I have seen how anxiety has a very real physiological effect, with panic attacks and shaking and general nervousness. I have also seen, regardless of how one individual may be more or less genetically susceptible to being behaviourally diagnosed with mental health disorders, how anxiety is birthed in the mind - in the way thoughts, emotions and feelings are negatively or positively processed from an early and ongoing age. If this processing is out of balance, or clouded in sadness, victimisation and fear, then inevitably you will be anxious, paranoid and confused and basically minimisinig the enjoyment and adventure that you can get out of life.

Ultimately, life is a series of choices. Choose to accept and respect the lessons of your past, choose to make decisions that will maximise the growth to your mind, body and spirit in the future, and choose to maintain a sustained awareness of the now - that ongoing present moment which within the limitations of your perspective has always been and will always be.

In the OPs case, she has not even mentioned anxiety or any other behaviourally-based disorder, so even if there is some imbalance of her mind (which we all have to some extent or another), I imagine her worries and issues are sourced soley from her attitude/s to life....

Briony - I hope you are joking about the marriage thing?

where do the tall sons come into it? is the bridegroom tall? I know Samoans can be big people. Otherwise, sound advice, I rear tall sons it is a very satisfying task.

Do you want tall sons, Kate?

I am planning a wedding and I am hoping most people will say no - medical reason or not.

I would rather have people who want to be at my wedding, rather than not want to be.

OP - just say what you wrote. Sounds fine to me. Trust me, your friend will be relieved!

“Raise tall sons” if a benefactory blessing through a number of central European cultures, where height tended to be an issue when meeting with races such as the Africans.

In more modern times, it changed slightly to infer that tall children were icons of health and prosperity (because they were getting enough to eat and were looked after).

H, inviting people you don’t want to come to your wedding is absolutely churlish, greedy and selfish - you’re only in it for the presents and/or the accolades.  Unless you’re marrying <insert stereotypical hottie>, you don’t get to brag about it unduly.  Just sayin’.

We won’t be asking for presents for the wedding. It’s a waste of money when we have everything we need already.

The reason why we want most people to say no is because our families want a big invite list and we don’t. Mind you, we haven’t sent out the invites yet so we could still do a huge cull.

Reading what you said reminded me of something I read recently about weddings. No matter what you do someone will think it’s tacky or a bride is a bridezilla or a groom a groomzilla.

I am interested to know why it’s only the <insert stereotypical hottie> who get to be bragged about though, do explain.

H, you’ve made two critical errors in judgment with relation to your wedding. 

First, you’re doing what everyone else wants.  Why are you inviting a big list of people because your family want you to?  This is the day when you can really tell your family that you’re all grown up now and that while you’ll always value their advice, they need to just shut the hell up and come drink your wine (or not, depending on whether you want to invite them.)

The second error is that you think anyone else really cares.  Why do you get to brag to others?  I don’t care what average Joe you’re marrying.  I’m an average Joe myself, so I see marriage for what it is - a control measure from big government which is rapidly becoming less about committment and more about the ability to show off.

That’s the wrong reason to get married, imho.

One of my relatives attended my wedding ceremony but not the reception - her reasoning was that she had to get home in time to ‘put the chooks to bed’ - yes, true.

I think she pointed that out because you can’t exactly escape a boat sailing around for hours. I mean, if it was somewhere on land it wouldn’t be such a big deal because she could go for an hour or two and then bail.

Erm.....the point of mentioning the cruise is this: if she starts to feel uncomfortable at a venue on land it’s easy for her to make an excuse and leave at anytime but as she will be stuck on a boat for several hours she won’t have this option, unless she jumps overboard and swims to shore. 
OP- I would be just like you in this position, don’t go, make up a good excuse ahead of time and buy the happy couple a nice gift..

The duration and location are probably mentioned because once on board she is going to be trapped for a reasonable amount of time.

On a cruise you can’t just go home when you’ve had enough - I can see why that would increase the anxiety - the lack of control over when enough is enough.

Our work went on a river cruise for our christmas party. We normally go to the burswood. It’s not that big of a deal & you really need to get back in your box.

I’d much prefer a setting like we had at our wedding instead of the variables of weather on the river & all the tiny steps. Each to their own though.

Umm I think she meant that she wouldn’t be able to leave by mentioning the boat.

I agree with Charlie. Perhaps it’s a way to make new friends and develop some social skills.

Either go for your work friend, and sit through the whole thing, or tell your work friend well in advance that you’ll come to the wedding and not the reception so that way she can give your seat at the reception to someone else. Or ask her if you can bring along a friend.

In either circumstance get the couple a wedding gift.

Do not say you’ll go and then bail on her.

Personally I think you should go and try and be as social as you can. As Charlie said, you might meet some new friends and enjoy yourself.

Best of luck.

You are such a wannabe.

I AM THE ONLY TRUTH TELLER, NOW PISS OFF.

This guy is an acrostic idiot.

But he is a poet and didn`t even know.... that he was one.

“you just need to chillax and be cool like the corporal”?

It’s people like you OP is trying to avoid..

Settle down CTT. You’ll wet your nappy

r u guys so retarded? look up acrostic poem. especially captain spoof smeller

Somehow I reckon Ethel would be weeping for society today if she read this thread.

I would be pretty pissed if someone told me they were attending the reception, I paid for their meal/drinks and then they didn’t rock up. Bad suggestion.

I think that telling prior to the wedding would be the way to go.

She hasn’t paid for the seat until she has RSVPd.  Allowing a person to pay for a seat knowing that you are going to back out on the day? Selfish behaviour. Have the courtesy to explain you won’t be going to the reception.