Top Ten Greatest Hot Dog Condiments of All Time
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- Posted on March 25, 2011
Top Ten Greatest Hot Dog Condiments of All Time
By Phil Haney
Contributor: Randi Siegel
Did you know that pregnant women are warned not to eat hot dogs because of possible negative effects on their unborn child? Wait, what’s in a hot dog that a fetus can’t eat but we can? Do we care?! No! According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council 27.5 million hot dogs are eaten in baseball parks every year. That’s incredible isn’t it? There's a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council.
Just like everything else America has to offer, other countries are starting to adopt hot dogs and sausages at a fast rate. In China, hot dogs are chopped up and put into Ramen Noodles and thus the hot dogs themselves become the toppings (the hunter becomes the hunted). We cannot let the Chinese beat us at hot dog condiment consumption. Real Americans don’t just use mustard as a condiment…they use another hot dog for their hot dogs. You eat a red hot covered in chili? Chili is for pussies. Try a frankfurter with a Ghost Pepper, the hottest pepper on record- a man DIED eating one of those!
We’ve created a list of the ten best, off the beaten path condiment concoctions to ever grace themselves on planet earth. This list is our Sputnik moment…of condiments. We need to make winners out of our wieners in order to win the future!
#10 Breath of Death Dog
Do you know how fattening mayonnaise is? Traditional yellow mustard has zero calories, but most mayonnaise clogs our arteries with ninety calories per teaspoon. Spank those doggies with a tasty dollop of GARLIC mayo. But, I’m not talking about any store purchased fancy ass garlic flavored spread. We need to do things bigger:
Ross Land / Getty Images
--- Procure yourself a vat of real deli style mayonnaise (no Miracle Whip or Mayo “light”) and some fresh garlic bulbs.
--- Pluck out those garlic cloves and throw them with the bulbs. Don’t bother mincing them, as you want to have giant chunks of garlic in this breath killing concoction to keep that stupid Twilight vampire away.
--- Take your hot dog and DIP the entire thing into the tub of garlic mayo. Make sure to cover it with two or three coatings. Enjoy the solitude you’ll have for a while.
#9 The Dirty Sanchez Dog
Nothing says America more than Mexican food - Refried beans that make you toot and topped with cheese that makes you fat.
--- Find one of those taco stands or one of those lunch trucks that cruise around the city, which are staffed by authentic Mexicans who just ran the gauntlet to get here. The more questionable the citizenship status of the guy or gal making your taco, the better. The danger makes it all extra tasty if you live in Arizona.
--- Now, whip out your bun hugged wiener and have the cook place it inside a taco shell with full taco fixings, lettuce, tomato, guacamole, sour crème, and their hottest salsa.
--- Don’t be a bad Gringo now; Slip him a few bucks for his extra effort. Que aproveche!
#8 The Last Will and Testament Dog
When you eat one of these dogs it’s a challenge NOT to have a heart attack, so you’d better have your last will and testament prepared. To get through one you need to be somewhat indestructible, so what better condiment to start out with than an indestructible food: The Twinkie.
TIP: Before eating this dog, schedule an appointment with your nearest cardiologist to make sure you’re cleared for consumption.
--- Take a Twinkie, poke a hole in the end and shove your favorite phallic meat inside so it is tightly wrapped around it.
--- Now, get yourself a mini at home deep fryer. OR if you are lazy – and we are guessing you are - take your stuffed Twinkie to Mickey D’s and ask Pablo to toss it in the fryer for you (don’t forget to slip him a few bucks).
--- Then, after the Twinkie Dog is deep fried, roll it around in a mix of deep fried peppers, deep fried onions, deep fried cheese… as well as deep fried versions of the following: chili, mustard, relish, sauerkraut, bacon, chili peppers, and jalapenos.
--- Then, take the whole thing AND DEEP FRY THAT.
With the onset of a total global meltdown looming, from the unrest in the Middle East, devastating natural disasters and a cloud of nuclear radiation spreading, you may want to eat this dog as a tastier version of a cyanide pill for your own emergency “exit strategy.”
#7 The Economic Downturn Dog
While we still need to win the future, we have to be cognizant of the hard economic times that many Americans are facing. This doesn’t mean that those of you currently back home living in your parent’s basement after your second home foreclosure, can’t fight the good hot dog fight. This is the hot dog for broke people. With unemployment at 9.5%, this should be most of you, so pay attention.
--- First, get that last slice of bread out: The heel that no one wants to eat. That will be your bun.
--- Next, go to the 99 cent store and get an off brand of hot dogs. Maybe you can talk them into letting you buy just one at cost, so scrounge up a dime.
--- Look in your fridge and use anything you find for condiments. That moldy cheese, the bunt cake from last Christmas, and the rotten apple from that day you tried to “eat healthy.”
--- Now, check between the couch cushions for edibles. Old gum, lint, dog kibble and a pack of Skittles from Bush’s first term.
--- For added flavor sprinkle the back wash from empty soda cans over the whole thing.
--- Finally, top it off with a copy of the failed Unemployment Benefits Bill which was denied by the same people who gave billions to the banks. If you swallow it hard enough it will taste just like chicken nuggets.
#6 The Bill Cosby
This hot dog is inspired by an episode of The Cosby Show where the Cos’ gets in trouble with his wife for dumping potato chips on his pizza. That genius gourmet moment led to our creation of a “snack dog” so epic it could only be created in one place: the local pub.
--- Take your hot dog bun and fill it with those many, random snacks you seem to only find in those pseudo-wood bowls that are placed so carefully along the bar. Include everything you see: potato chips, peanuts (shelled and unshelled), beer nuts, popcorn, green olives and maraschino cherries. Be sure to include all the filth from everyone hands who have been in those bowls all night.
--- Slap your wiener on top of these snacks.
--- Finally, soak the whole dog in a mug of beer for a flavorful intoxicating feast!
#5 Soft Weiner Serve
Time for dessert. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop eating hot dogs. It means it’s time to replace the savory with the sweet.
--- Stop by your nearest soft serve ice cream parlor, hot dog in hand and pop your wiener under the ice cream spout, pouring the cold stuff right down the middle.
--- Next, go to town and mount the toppings bar. This is your place to get creative and go nuts (pun intended). The American way to do this is to bring a bigger bowl from home, place your creamed dog in the center and dump the toppings around it.
Beware of shrinkage: Unlike hot, hot dogs, cold cream dogs don’t plump when you cook them.
#4 Rich Douche Bag Dog
In contrast to the Economic Downturn Dog (see #7) the other way America is going to get back on top is to flaunt its financial superiority… even when we are totally broke. There is no greater an American way to do this than to live beyond your means.
Fernando Carmino / Thos Robinson / Getty Images
--- Take your hot dog to a fancy French restaurant.
--- Order the shaved truffles, a side of Escargot and a round of Caviar. Bust out your bun and dog and dump all those rich condiments on top.
--- Run out to the limo parked at the curb, ask for some Grey Poupon and dump that on the dog.
--- Fly on your private jet to Switzerland and withdraw one hundred, $100 bills from the Swiss bank where you set up an account to funnel the money you laundered from hard working, middle class investors.
--- Rip up some of the bills into tiny pieces and lightly dust the top of your dog.
--- Use the rest of the bills as napkins to wipe the caviar from your smug face and later to wipe your ass.
#3 Forever Alone Dog
If there are two things Americans love it’s hot dogs and porn. And chocolate. Three things. So let’s combine two of the three - hot dogs and chocolate (porn and chocolate is a whole other list). This dog is only for those with a tough enough palate; Lonely women who hate men and have given into forever being alone. But, the caloric risk of eating it will turn out to be worth the reward. This will be an especially delicious treat while trolling internet dating sites looking for that Mr. Right who is still out there…somewhere.
--- Nutella works for amateurs, but we are trying to win the future. Toss your dog into your purse and hit up that store at the mall that dips strawberries in chocolate. When the girl behind the counter isn’t looking, dunk your dog in the tub and RUN.
--- Next double dip your dog at home in a bowl of melted Hershey’s chocolate to cover any spots that may have dripped away while you were running from the mall cops.
--- Top it off with broken bits of chocolate bar and Hershey’s Kisses, even though the word “kisses” makes you sad.
Sit back and relax knowing that the Forever Alone Dog has done more for you than any man ever could.
#2 The Stuffed Crust Pizza Dog
This list would be remiss if it did not include America’s second favorite food; pizza. In order to construct the ultimate pizza condiment we have to go bigger or go home. That’s why we are going to utilize the ultimate Italian-American invention…the stuffed crust pizza.
--- Order a Thick Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut.
--- Choose a nice big slice and take the crust, split it down the middle, and use it as a bun by inserting your wiener in the middle (stop giggling).
--- Now, order a Dominos Supreme Pizza (why is the word “supreme” only used to describe pizzas and dictators?), scrape off all of the toppings including sauce, cheese, pepperoni, peppers, sausage and mushrooms and stuff them onto the hot dog.
Like a paradoxal loop of never ending infinite tastiness, you now have a pizza crust STUFFED with a hot dog and a hot dog STUFFED with pizza. This is what we call a “twofer” – just like when your office hires a minority woman to meet quotas.
#1 This is Why The Terrorists Hate Us Dog
Every American city and region has their own unique take and preference on how to serve a hot dog. We all know about the New York City Dog, The Chicago Dog and the Coney Island Dog. But what about the other US cities that never get the spotlight? Now is the time for the rest of the country to get off its ass, get in the fight and put their wieners to work. We’ve chosen the ideal, All American Dog and we present it as it should be…Unified.
--- Take a bun and slice it lengthwise on each side of the center slice. Put a hot dog in the middle slice. Take another dog, slice it in half and slide those halves into each side of the bun you just cut. Now you have 3 dogs-in-one, ready to represent:
--- The Lower 9th Ward Dog: Topped with New Orleans famous Gumbo, an entire Po Boy Sandwich and a FEMA food voucher.
--- The Detroit Dog: Take the quintessential local Detroit Coney Dog featuring bean-less chili, raw onions and mustard and top it with car parts from abandoned auto factories.
--- The Buffalo Dog of Sadness: Doused in a bottle of famous Buffalo Hot Wing Sauce, chicken wings and the tears of disappointed Bills fans. It’s like the perfect dash of salt.
This one may require a knife and fork to eat, which in the hot dog community is considered blasphemy. But, since it’s not American to care about manners, you’ll just have to have to burn your hands and bare it.
Hot Celebrity Dogs!
Like all Americans, hot dog vendors know that celebrities set the societal bar. So, in order to help boost sales, we’ve created dogs that the young people will be into and can tweet about. What better way to do that then with the latest “It” people that Hollywood has vomited out of its collective wiener hole? By branding hot dogs with these names, the hot dog industry will be selling out quicker than Eminem in a Super Bowl commercial…and America will love them for it! Here are some celeb dogs to wh
et your appetite:
David Livingston / Getty Images
--- The Bieber Dog: It's the hot dog you get from the vender with too much hair and he leaves some on your dog.
--- The Snooki Dog: It's had every condiment on it, at least once, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
--- The Charlie Sheen Dog: It looks like a normal, nice dog on the outside but once you bite into it, its full of bat shit crazy surprise condiments… like hooker sweat, cigarette butts, and hummus. Who the hell puts hummus on a hot dog?
--- The Jay Leno Dog: It gives you a really great tasting hot dog, loaded with condiments, and when you’re just starting to enjoy it, it gets swiped out of your mouth.
--- The Barack Obama Dog: This dog is half made from a white hot frankfurter, and no one believes it’s American.
Ok, that’s our list. Think you can beat it? Do you prefer mustard, ketchup or a tub of wasabi sauce or some baklava? That’s right…it’s totally American to be un-American. Be brave in your attempt and let us know what some of your favorite hot dog condiments are.