Marriage can be wonderful. It is a gift of God.
Yet, it is very important to think through your reasons for wanting to get married. I have been thinking lately about what I have learned through many, many conversations with couples regarding marriage. I have been privileged to be a part of many conversations that were encouraging and thoughtful. Yet, on occasion, a few of these conversations have been troublesome. From these conversations I have also learned much.
(You might enjoy reading some of the previous posts on this same topic. Just type in "Before You Marry" in the search bar in the upper right corner of this page.)
Today, let me challenge you to think about why you might be interested in marriage.
Quite frankly, some people are in love with the idea of marriage.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything I have just listed. However, it is possible to be in love with the idea of being married instead of really being ready to marry a particular woman or man.
Let me encourage you to think about this. Do you really want to marry this particular woman? Do you really want to marry this particular man? Are you preparing yourself for a wedding or are you preparing yourself for marriage to this particular man or woman?
Are you really impressed with her or with him? Or, are you more impressed that you are about to be married and you love the idea of being married?
Now let me suggest to you that what often complicates this are three factors:
1. Your own rationalization.
2. Your parents. Your mother or dad talks on and on about your guy’s great job, your girlfriend’s attractiveness, or the money that her parents have. Maybe your parents talk about your wonderful future since he will be making so much money. Maybe you hear your mom or dad saying this to their friends. It also seems as if your parents are in love with the idea of you being married.
3. His/her parents. Perhaps you begin to spend time with the people who could be your future in-laws. Maybe they really like you. The idea of having them for in-laws is very appealing to you. Perhaps they tell you that you are exactly what their daughter needs. Maybe she will settle down, grow up, be responsible, etc. now that she has met you. You can sense they have been concerned about their daughter for quite some time. They may feel a sense of relief. Yet, you are the one who will be living with this person after marriage.
Does this make sense? I am simply writing what I have observed on a number of different occasions. I would love to hear your response to this.
Bottom line: Marriage is a wonderful gift of God. Make sure, however, that you really want to marry THIS particular woman or man. No one should marry because they love the idea of being married.
I have been thinking some lately about people who happen to be a particular age and then seem to shut down for some reason. Yet, there is something very stimulating about simply being interested and curious about life. I have been thinking about what has received my attention lately:
1. The Kingdom of God. I have spent a lot of time reading, studying, and reflecting on the Gospels this year. This has been a very stimulating time in the Gospels.
2. I have read a few books recently which have been stimulating. My friend Jon Mullican has recommended Peter Block who wrote a very fine book entitled, The Answer to How is Yes. This is a wonderful book which speaks of the importance of asking good questions in building community and relationship. Very helpful. Scot McKnight’s two newer books, The Blue Parakeet and Fasting have also been very stimulating. I finally finished a book that really made me think entitled, Generation Me by Jean M. Twenge.
3. I’ve been thinking a lot about the need for wisdom. I mean this in terms of who we are as Christians and Churches. What does it mean to live with wisdom? We are technologically advanced but often lack wisdom regarding our everyday lives and behavior.
4. I enjoy both Facebook and Twitter. Twitter, in particular, I have found interesting for the number of interesting links that are posted. Lately, I have been thinking about possible uses for both. I also found stimulating a recent article on technology and and the generations by George Barna.
5. Lately, I have been listening to a number of MP3′s from the National Pastor’s Convention. You can find them here.
6. I have been thinking lately about how to be a better father to my adult children (and one son-in-law). While the role is different (being the parent of adult children) it still remains an important role.
7. Last year, I heard Tim Keller speak of the value of reading book reviews. He spoke of his discipline of regularly reading The New York Times Review of Books and The New York Review of Books. For about a year, I have been regularly reading the print edition of each. However, you can get to many book review resources by looking to the right hand bar of this blog.
8. I recently spent part of an afternoon updating God-Hungry Live. I added many new videos to this site. The new videos include some by Christopher Wright, John Ortberg, Roger Olson, Luci Shaw, etc. There are many videos on this site which you might enjoy. I find these videos interesting.
I don’t know what you expected when you left home. I don’t know what you expected when you, perhaps, graduated from college and started working. I do know that many of us expected to experience much more zest/joy/passion/happiness (or whatever word you might prefer). So often, I found myself saying, "If only."
In fact, I can recall thinking or even saying "If only" when I was still a child. As I got older and into my teen years, I continued to say "If only." Here are some statements I can remember:
Perhaps you were never like this. Maybe you lived with a sense of contentment and peace. For whatever reasons, I did not.
I wish I could tell you that all of this never interfered with my ministry. It certainly did. Here are a few statements I remember thinking:
Now let me quickly say that I would NEVER have uttered any one of these sentences to anyone. Furthermore, I am not even sure that I consciously thought about these desires. Yet, I can look back and recall different times in my ministry when I know these desires were in my heart. I say that with embarrassment.
What helped was reading and re-reading II Corinthians and hearing Paul reflect on his own ministry. Paul’s reflections reminded me once again that this is a calling not a career. The goal is not to be able to present a stunning resume to someone hoping that they might be impressed. Rather, the goal is to yield myself in surrender to what God is doing in Christ. Passages such as the following remind me that it is God who is at work in Christ and through the Spirit. Ministry matters not because we are proving ourselves to others. Ministry matters because God is at work, leading us in triumphal procession in Christ. We know that much good is being done because the fragrance of the knowledge of him is being spread wherever we are and wherever he is present.
This reality makes life and ministry — as it is at the present — just right.
14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God.
Each Monday, I have been posting segments of an interview with Lynn Anderson of San Antonio, Texas. Lynn has served as church planter, minister, and mentor to many, many people. In this segment, he discusses the value of mentors in his life. I, along with a number of other people, have been blessed through Lynn’s mentoring. Watch this video and enjoy. I would love to hear your feedback on his comments.
(You might enjoy visiting Lynn’s website, Mentornetwork.org. I encourage you to to visit it if you have not.)
I wrote yesterday regarding tired and exhausted families. This is something I am very concerned about. In particular, our children often pay the price for such a lifestyle (several mentioned this in their comments yesterday).
Our lifestyles are often fast, furious, and exhausting. We are like speed boats, moving quickly but not traveling very deeply. Consequently, we are conditioned to merely skim the surface of experience and then move on to something new. Eventually, however, such a pace takes it toll on our relationships, our bodies, and the human spirit. In quieter moments we may finally realize how stressed we are, how alone we feel, and how exhausted we have become. Our mania for keeping busy has left little time to pray, to think, and to meditate on God’s Word.
We live in a culture in which the effective use of time is often judged by speed and productivity. How much can we get done in the allotted amount of time? How many activities can we do? Our children may want to be on a particular team, be involved in a particular program at school, and/or participate in a special production of some kind (perhaps drama or music). How much is good for our children and when do these activities become overwhelming to them individually and to our family as a whole?
Just a few years ago, our children were school-age and we were faced with many time-related decisions. Our children were involved in sports and a few other activities at school. Charlotte and I saw that we needed to be a buffer between our children and these activities or our family could just be consumed by the busyness. Most of these activities and opportunities were good and constructive. Drama. Plays. Team sports. School clubs. Student government. Band. Choir.
What we learned was that saying "yes" to one event, team, etc. often meant that we were then faced with new decisions about how involved our children would be in this sport or organization. For instance, one of our children played basketball and the other played volleyball. At one time that meant: "Are you going to be on the team or not?" There was a clearly defined season. These days, if my child plays basketball or volleyball, that may mean that we (parents and children) will be facing new decisions. Will she play on an "off season" team? Will she play in a summer league? Will we (as a family) now be traveling on weekends for these games? Will she now be playing on Sunday mornings? Will she still be connected to our church family even though she/we are gone much of the time? Will she go to a specialized camp?
I use our experience in these two sports as an example. The issue is much larger than sports. Rather, it is about a variety of activities and how much we commit to as a family. It is not my intention to offer any quick and simple solutions here. Nor am I even remotely suggesting that our children should not be involved in these activities. Rather, I raise this issue to encourage us to think about the overall impact that our decisions have on our family life.
However, the place to begin grappling with this issue is not with my children. The place to begin is in reflecting on my own life.
1. Am I overcommitted? Every "yes" to one opportunity is a "no" to something else. Why do I continue to say "yes" when I am already overcommitted? Do I genuinely wish to do this or do I fear their displeasure and disappointment? Do I continue to say "yes" out of my own insecurity?
2. Am I leading the way in modeling the kind of lifestyle that I believe to be wise for our whole family? In other words, it is difficult for me to communicate to my children that we are too busy as a family when they see that I have a problem with saying "no" to other people. What kind of pace am I modeling before them?
3. Am I attempting to build a family or just a collection of individuals? There are many activities that might be good or enjoyable for me individually that may not be that helpful right now in building our family. For instance, I can work more hours and this may be better for my career. I’m not sure it would help us build our family. I may like to fish or play golf every Saturday. This kind of lifestyle, every weekend, may not be the best thing in building our family as a group. Do I model these concerns before our children?
Several years ago, I sat at a table in the faculty dining room at Baylor University. At the table with me was a man who had served as the academic dean and eventually as the president of a seminary. He was now "semi-retired." Most weekends, he preached at a church somewhere in the country. I met him in a class that I was auditing. We went to lunch and I began asking him questions about what he was seeing in these churches. His reply?
"Jim, I am seeing many, many very tired people."
Wow. How interesting that this would be his immediate response. Yet, I think I know what he is talking about. I see them in our church as well. Many, many people who appear to be exhausted.
Some of them are like "John and Susan Bailey." You might have a difficult time getting to know them because it is very difficult to catch up with them. Their schedule doesn’t allow much time for friendships. Oh they have a few friends. However, they spend little time relaxing with these friends. Usually when they see one of their friends, one of them will shout, "Hey we need to have lunch sometime." But of course, no one follows through.
John Bailey belongs to a civic club, coaches a softball team, works out several times a week, teaches the high school Sunday School class and maintains a beautiful yard.
Besides her regular part-time job, Susan Bailey finds herself juggling an exhausting schedule. She is always creating new projects or volunteering to help someone else with theirs. She serves on committees and volunteers at her children’s school. If she is not taking her youngest to the dentist, she is driving her pre-teen to the store for supplies for a science project.
At first glance, it might appear that the Bailey family spends a lot of time together. Yet, when they are together they talk on the phone to other people, constantly check their e-mail on their phones, text their friends repeatedly and overall just seem very, very distracted. They don’t seem to be really focused on one another. They always seem — hurried.
Do you recognize this family? Do you see families who seem to be in constant motion? Do you know families who do not seem to be really listening to one another? Do you ever wonder if they are missing the experience of the present while they are anticipating the next event?
Let me encourage you to watch this video. The length is only 4 minutes, 42 seconds. The content is outstanding!
This video is a continuation of the interview I recently did with Lynn Anderson. (These are being posted each Monday.) Lynn has spent many years encouraging, coaching, and counseling people who are in a variety of roles in ministry. He has talked with many, many people about marriage and family. (You can find more of his thinking, on a variety of ministry concerns, at his website Mentornetwork.org.)
In this video, Lynn speaks candidly regarding the condition of some families today and some of the particular struggles of those who serve churches in various ministry roles.
I’ve been in San Diego at the National Pastors Convention. This was an outstanding gathering with good speakers and, this year, very cool weather. I heard some very good speakers, people I have heard before (William Willimon, Scot McKnight, Bill Hybels, etc.) and a few I heard for the first time. (By the way, be sure to check out Scot’s outstanding series on his blog based on a very important book, Generation Me. You can get to this series on his blog here.)
Thursday afternoon, I enjoyed hearing Paul Young give some background information on his book The Shack. He also told his own life story. Oh my! What a story of pain and sadness. This especially interests me because this book (week 38 on the New York Times best seller list) has captivated the attention of so many people who are not in churches on Sunday but who nevertheless feel a real connection with this book and its message.
I enjoyed a good visit with my friend Scot McKnight. I continue to appreciate his teaching, blog, and friendship. I also had the opportunity to visit with Tim Spivey whom I met for the first time. It was good to visit with Skye Jethani for a few minutes after his class. We had crossed paths by e-mail but had never met before. I also saw a few other people I had not anticipated seeing.
You may be interested in ordering Mp3 downloads or CDs of these talks. You can do so by visting this site.
Dr. Paul Faulkner, one of my former professors, taught at Abilene Christian University for many years. He taught Marriage and Family Therapy and a number of other related courses. On several different occasions, I heard him speak of the "neglected curriculum." Paul believed that there were certain gaps in the education and home life of many children. There were important concerns, skills, values, etc. that were never taught.
I am wondering what you think. Please reflect for a moment on some of the homes and some of the churches you have known. What is the neglected curriculum in each?
What is the neglected curriculum in so many homes? Have you observed that children often grow up with gaps in their training? What gaps have you noticed?
What is the neglected curriculum in so many churches? What are the gaps? What is the neglected curriculum in either the formal teaching/preaching or in the life and experience of the church? I would enjoy hearing what you have noticed.
In this video clip, Lynn Anderson reflects on some practical ways to avoid the affair trap. (Very wise words!) Enjoy–and then send a link to this post to someone else.
Lynn Anderson has been a mentor, encourager, and church leader for many years. He speaks and writes with a pastoral heart and an obvious love for God. To know him is to know a person who continues to stay fresh, both in his relationship with God and in his ability to connect with people. I have been blessed by his ministry and friendship for many years.
Check out his website "Mentornetwork.org" if you have not done so already.
(Each Monday, I am posting a video clip of an interview with Lynn on a variety of ministry related subjects. You can read part one here, part two here, and part three here.)
