There is great potential for doing much good by really listening to another’s story.

I was a young minister. He called late one afternoon. He was the manager of a popular restaurant in town. He asked if he could come by my office and talk.

He arrived later that afternoon. I watched through the window as he parked his new yellow Corvette. New. He was in his late thirties and well dressed.

I decided that I didn’t like him.  

Why? I suppose it was jealousy. At the time, Charlotte and I were just getting by financially. We had a new baby. We had only lived in this city for about a year. We were renting a house and trying to figure out how to pay the bills. I felt a lot of stress.

So before I ever met this man, before I ever heard his story, I decided that I didn’t like him.

He had not been in my office five minutes when he began to cry. He worked many, many hours at the restaurant and felt as if he was successful and unstoppable. He had been offered various promotions. Then, he became involved with another woman. Now, his wife was taking their two small children and was leaving him.

“I have nothing.”

He went on to say “I have lost my marriage and my children. I have no real friends. I have disappointed so many people.” He told me about his mistakes, his failures and his sins. We talked at length and then I prayed for him.

My heart went out to this broken man.

After he left, I realized that my own heart had not been broken enough. Initially, I had decided that I did not like him because of my own jealousy and discontent. Before I had even met him, I was totally focused on what he seemed to possess have that I did not have. Not good!

Years later, I have learned to be slower–much slower–about drawing conclusions about people. Far too many times, I have misjudged people and have assumed bad motives when there were none. Often, when I have hurriedly decided that I don’t like someone it is because of my own insecurity or jealousy.

The following are important questions that I now want to consider when talking with another person:

1. How does Jesus see this person? (If I were to know what Jesus knows about this person, how would this impact the way I treat him/her?)

2. What is this person’s story?

3. After this conversation is over, will this person feel as if I really listened?

Question

What happens in a conversation that causes you to come away feeling as if that person has really listened?

What holds you back?

What holds you back from being the kind of person that God has called you to be either as a single or as a married person?

What holds some of us back is our own immaturity. We get stuck in particular patterns of immature behavior. Some of these patterns include:

1. Seeing the problems in my life as someone else’s responsibility.

Immature people spend a lot of energy blaming, reacting, and projecting.

“This is your fault.”

“If it wasn’t for _________, I would be really doing well.”

“It’s not my fault, if you had been through everything I’ve experienced in this marriage, you would have done the same thing.”

“This is my wife’s fault. If she would just act the way she should, we would not have these problems.”

2. Using manipulation to make things happen.

Perhaps you have heard someone say “It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” I once heard a minister brag at a conference that he lived by this mantra. Now think about the implication of this. This person doesn’t want to go through the process of getting permission, so he does what he wants, assuming that the other party will forgive. This is nothing less than raw manipulation.

Do we want our children to live like this in our home? “It is easier to ask Dad’s forgiveness than his permission so I took his car once he began his nap.” Or, “It is easier to ask mom’s forgiveness than her permission, so I took some money from her purse and later on apologized.” Is this the way we want our children to behave?

3. Saying whatever might enable me to get what I want.

Some people will say whatever is convenient in order to get what they want. They decide what they will say on the basis of convenience rather than truth. “No, I just made up that story about last week’s sale. I thought it might help my presentation.” Consider these examples:

“Just call in sick.” (When you are not sick.)

“Just tell them that you have to go to a funeral.” (When there is no funeral.)

“Just tell them that you don’t have any money.” (When you have $20 in your wallet.)

“Just pad the numbers on your presentation. Then they will really want to buy it.” (Not being entirely honest.)

“Just tell her that you had to work late.” (While you do something that will only damage any future honesty within your marriage.)

Our own immaturity often reflects our self-centeredness and our stubborn refusal to take responsibility for our lives. Some of us are stuck in patterns of immaturity. Instead of growing as authentic, godly men and women, we waste valuable energy trying to maintain control and avoid responsibility.

Question:

What is one sign of immaturity that you sometimes see in others? Do you have an example of how you have addressed an issue of immaturity in your own life?

Earlier this week, I heard Randy Harris speak at ACU’s Summit and was introduced to John Wesley’s Covenant Prayer. Read through this prayer slowly and savor each line. This is a tremendous prayer of trust.

I was visiting with a friend a few weeks ago and he made an interesting statement. He said, “I really believe that we are shaped by what we pray.” In other words, what I pray has the capacity to shape me into a certain kind of person.

So what do I pray?

The following is John Wesley’s Covenant Prayer:

I am no longer my own, but yours.

Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will

put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for you or laid aside by you.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things

to your pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God,

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,

you are mine, and I am yours. So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.

1. Ministers need to be lifelong learners. Remember that it is not necessarily how much you read, but what you read. This is not a matter of either being bookish or not being bookish. Churches deserve a minister who is willing to do hard thinking and who is willing to mine the important books so that the church has access to these thoughts. In a paper entitled, Creation, Evolution, and Christian Laypeople, Tim Keller writes that the pastor must stand between the scholar and the person in the pew, reading and interpreting what the person in the pew might never read. He says that pastors are a bridge between the world of scholarship and the world of the street.

2. I heard James Bryan Smith twice this week at the ACU Summit. He was outstanding as a teacher and communicator. His books The Good and Beautiful God , The Good and Beautiful Life, and The Good and Beautiful Community are well worth reading. Also see Scot McKnight’s fine series on The Good and Beautiful Community.

3. Do you read Michael Hyatt’s blog? I get many practical ideas from him in a number of areas. For example, several of his suggestions have been helpful to me in my personal organization. You may find his blog to be very helpful also. For example, read today’s very fine post (guest written) entitled: “Why Great Teams Tell Great Stories.”

4. Be sure to read J.R. Briggs’ “(45) Practical Pieces of Advice for Young Pastors .” This is an excellent list! It is also an excellent list for those who have been ministers for a long time. Following this list could make a significant difference in a ministry.

5. Have you ever spent any time scrolling around Powell’s Bookstore? I find this to be an interesting website. By the way, this is an updated list of what I am reading.

6. Today, I had lunch alone at a cafe that I never go to, in a part of town that I rarely drive through. I deliberately went by myself to this place so that I could take in the sights and sounds of people around me in the cafe. I tried to really watch and listen to what was around me. I listened as the waitress expressed her frustration to another customer. I watched as the cook walked through the cafe with a sense of pride about his job. I looked at the cars parked in front of this cafe. I looked at the businesses across the street. As I drove back to the office, I tried to pay attention to the homes, the people walking, and the various businesses.

I did this because I needed to really see this part of our city again. I simply wanted to be present and to stay aware. You might consider doing something like this where you are. I find this helpful.

(I haven’t posted in a few days. I have been at Abilene Christian University’s “Summit.” While there, I heard many good speakers and also met with a number of friends.)

Lately, I have been thinking about the importance of being and having a friend. A real friend.

I have been thinking about this as a result of conversations with a lot of people. What I hear from so many people is that they do not have friends.

Now many have Facebook friends. (I am one of those who has enjoyed reconnecting with people via Facebook.) But does this really satisfy our longing to know someone and to be known by someone?

Why is it so difficult to find real friends?

• Maybe friendship is difficult because many of us are very busy and find little time to invest in friendships.
• Perhaps it is difficult because we get tired of always being the ones who have to take the initiative with friends.
• Some believe it is difficult because once we have a few friends, we have used up our capacity to form and nurture new friendships.
• It could be that our friendships are hampered by our unwillingness to be known. Consequently, we hold one another at arms length.
• It could be that we fail to put out the energy (or interest) that is necessary to cultivate and sustain friendships.

Question:

(I would really like to hear what you think about this.) Why are friendships often so difficult? Why do some people experience great difficulty in finding and nurturing friendships?

1. You might check out this video of Angela Yee’s focus system for personal organization. (From the Nine’s event last week.) Also, you might want to look into the exclusive web content of the Nine’s. You can find these here.

2. Do you use Evernote? I have found this tool to be so helpful. Evernote enables you to capture pictures, notes, voice memos, documents, etc. in one place. The more I use this, the more I realize how helpful this tool can be. It is especially helpful if you have the Evernote app on your phone. (I have the Evernote app on my iPhone.) Evernote is free. You might consider downloading it, watching some of the Evernote help videos, and then determine whether or not this would be helpful to you.

3. Be sure to read Karen Spears Zacharias’ wonderful post on mentoring. Very moving and inspiring. Would be great for all church leaders to read. (She regularly blogs here.)

4. I came across this wonderful quote by G. K. Chesterton recently. It is from his book, Orthodoxy . (Became aware of this through the Austin Graduate School of Theology newsletter.)

A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

Some couples have great difficulty communicating and recognize what they do.

Other couples have great difficulty communicating and just don’t see this.

What makes this difficult for some of us is what we bring into our marriage. One person may come from a family that is open, engaging, and nurturing. Meanwhile that person’s spouse may come from a family that is manipulative, calculating, and threatening. Both of these people may see their families of origin as “normal.” Yet, their respective families communicated in very different ways.

What kinds of behaviors make good communication in marriage difficult?

1. Frequently criticizing your spouse. Nothing is more tiresome than being with a constant critic. Unfortunately some men and women bring into their marriages a habit of constantly criticizing. Again and again they communicate to their spouse that they just don’t measure up. Such criticism has a way of wearing others out.

2. Attempting to manipulate your spouse. For example, a woman has been asking her husband to vacuum the house. She has asked him three times. He then offers to go to the store. He secretly plans to stay a long time, thinking that she will get fed up with the situation and vacuum the house herself. Relating to one another through manipulation and a hidden agenda will only hurt the marriage. How sad when a wife (or husband) must wonder what her spouse is up to because she has learned that he schemes and manipulates.

3. Using damaging, hurtful words. In marriage, we learn over time about the vulnerabilities of our spouses. Yet, suppose a person gets angry and then uses hurtful words directed toward a tender place in his wife’s heart. She finally learns that he cannot be trusted with her heart and she puts up an emotional wall for protection. Not good for a marriage.

4. Acting as if one person is superior and the other is inferior. Some men act as if their wives are really stupid. Jokes are made about her that subtly put her down. Some wives act as if their husbands are complete idiots. He is talked about as if he just doesn’t get it.   

5. Using silence instead of engaging. “Well I don’t communicate well.” Really? Does this mean that you get a pass from communicating? Does this mean that your wife or husband is just supposed to go on with life? No one gets a pass from communicating, not if you are married. Not communicating well simply means that you have located an area in your life in which you need to learn and grow

Question:

What other behaviors make good communication in marriage difficult?

Sometimes life is very difficult and even painful.

Some of this pain is due to loss. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

• The loss of a friend due to a move, a job change, or simply drifting away from one another.
• The loss of a team. You feel as you are alone on your job. You miss the team at your former job.
• The loss of your youth. Maybe you see this in your appearance, your weight, or other body features.
• The loss of your health.
• The loss of your financial security.
• The loss of your dream.
• The loss of your job.
• The loss of your church. You are at a different church now. You really feel the losses.
• The loss of your innocence.
• The loss of your faith.

So often, we attach ourselves to something that promises to relieve us of pain. We may watch television from morning to night. We may constantly be in a hurry, scurrying from one activity to the next without really being present for any of them. Some of us spend more money than we have, while others of us eat more than we ought. Then some live in the dark world of pornography. Still others lose themselves in their families or careers.

Peter Scazzero in his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, writes:

The world is filled with illusions and pretense. We convince ourselves that we cannot live without certain earthly pleasures, accomplishments, and relationships. We become “attached” (or “addicted,” to use a contemporary word). We attach our wills to the belief that something less than God will satisfy us. We think if we just accomplish that one big goal, then we will really feel content and good about ourselves. We will be “finished” and able to rest.

But slowly we find the accumulation of things–clothes, new electronic toys, cars, houses–no longer gives us the initial “rush” it once did. The great feeling wears off, so we convince ourselves we need more. We are seduced by the false gods of status, attention, and fame. We fall captive to the illusion that if we just get a few more words of praise from a few more important people, it will somehow be enough.

Does this sound familiar?

We are in pain and so we withdraw. We keep to ourselves. We share our true thoughts with no one. When this pain is not dealt with, we often mask it through some kind of addiction. We will do anything to somehow take the pain away. The problem is that these attachments or addictions only mask pain.

Perhaps, what many of us need is to spend time before God in solitude and silence. Regular time with God will not only help you to see your true self but will be a time to meet God.

If you are not in the habit of doing this, start with ten minutes. Ten minutes with no phone, computer, texting, etc. Ten minutes with no radio or television. Pay attention to your thoughts during this time. Pay attention to what you might feel. Pray that just for a moment that you will see yourself as God sees you.

Question:
What daily or weekly habits have been particularly helpful to you as you attempt to stay attuned to what you are feeling/thinking and what God is calling you to become?

A few months after we married, I was at home one day working on my car. I needed something from the store in order to finish what I had been doing. So, I got in my car, went to the store and about 45 minutes later returned. When I got back, Charlotte said, “Where have you been? I was looking for you and you were gone.” I explained to her that I had gone to the store. Now I was pretty clueless. I had not said anything to her before leaving. I just left. After all, that is the way I did it when I was single. Of course, in my immaturity I defended myself. However, I knew she was right. Being married meant that I didn’t just look out for myself but for her as well.

We have now been married a long time. I really like this season of our marriage–a lot!

However, I would never want to leave the impression that marriage is easy or that somehow it just all works out. Unless a couple is intentional about their commitment and their love toward one another, marriage can become derailed. It can become boring, stale, and lifeless. In fact, if you listen closely to some people, you might wonder if anyone’s marriage really works.

Yet, marriage doesn’t have to be this way.

Sometimes a couple will be busy with life and give little attention to either their marriage or what might be happening inside them individually. In fact, a couple can get blindsided. Several years ago, I read an article by Ginger Kolbaba entitled, “Surviving Temptation Island.” One story in particular got my attention:

About seven years ago, before I was married, I was performing in a play opposite a married man who’d recently become a first-time father. He and I got along famously. We joked, worked hard, had intelligent conversations about culture, faith, politics. I didn’t realize I was “fulfilling” a need he felt wasn’t being met at home by a wife who was a first-time mom grappling with all the insecurities and stress motherhood includes. I was simply trying to make our working environment enjoyable.

One evening he turned to me and said, “You know, if my marriage doesn’t work out, we should get together.”

I was stunned and ashamed. I knew I had to change the direction of that relationship—fast. In that situation, I wasn’t able to run physically. But I sure changed my tone in a hurry. I apologized for my unintentional misleading, and told him his first priority was to his wife and child—not to the theatre or the people there. Then I stayed as far away from him as possible. I learned a hard lesson in setting appropriate boundaries within a relationship.

Do marriages still work?

Yes, but first consider what a marriage really is:

1. Marriage is not just you and me. That is, we are not just two individuals who share the same last name and live in the same house. It is very easy to turn marriage into something me-centered. What am I getting out of this? What about me?

2. Marriage is not just us. I wonder about the couple who says, “We do everything together.” I wonder about the marriage where one person takes over the conversation and constantly talks about how we feel while the spouse typically remains silent. Marriage is not becoming a blob where each person loses any sense of individual identity.

3. Marriage is about you, me, and us. While married people have their own identities, they are committed to protecting, nurturing, and cherishing the “us.”

Question:

What is one of the most important things you have learned about marriage, either from your own experience or from observing others?

1. There are tremendous opportunities available to learn and grow. For example, if you will look at iTunes U (you will find this in the iTunes Store), you will see numerous universities and some seminaries listed. There are literally scores of universities and seminaries that offer entire courses for free. Just the other day, I listened to an excellent lecture on C. S. Lewis. You might say, “Who has time to do something like that? I don’t have time to take a class.” Maybe not. But could you take 15 or 20 minutes out of the day to listen to a class?

Another fine resource is “The Great Courses” from The Teaching Company. I have ordered several courses here. The subjects are wide and varied. For example, this month (in the print catalog), they offer two entire courses by Luke Timothy Johnson (DVD or CD) for only $19.95 each.

2. Have you read Reggie McNeal’s The Present Future or viewed his DVD lectures? Just moments ago, I watched a lecture in which he discussed the generational differences in churches. I thought it was very well done both in terms of content and his ability to communicate well.

3. I really like these Labor Day reflections by NPR’s Scott Simon:

“Having no job does not mean having no work. Your children must still be fed, bathed, and ferried to school … But you have less money for food, gas, and the new shoes your children need for school. … Having no job means that things people talk about these days — iPads, android phones, 3-D movies, new music, or meeting friends over $4 coffee drinks — are just beyond reach. You worry about getting dull, having nothing to talk about, and losing friends. … You may blame politicians, brokers and bankers, but in the middle of the night you might turn your eyes to the sky and wonder what you did, didn’t do, or should have done. … This Labor Day we might salute the millions of Americans who don’t have jobs, but who in many ways work harder than ever.” http://n.pr/9GSS6I

4. I failed to mention “The Nines” which happens today and is sponsored by Leadership Network. There are 100 speakers making short talks on the subject of “Game Changers.” I have watched several of these today that were very good. You can register for free and see all of the videos or you can purchase the notes for $29.