• May 6, 2011

Don't listen to him, gurl!Barack Obama isn’t a very busy man; all he has to do is be president and brag about picking off a random Muslim guy who was holed up indoors playing Xbox in his bedroom the past five years. But Justin Bieber is trying to broker true peace in the Middle East between whole COUNTRIES, Israel and Palestine, who have been warring with one another forever, on top of his job secretly being in love with each and every one of us. LAY OFF, Obama. Yes, he took some time to do you a favor by meeting you one time, but you can’t go around telling teenage girls you’re his friend so they’ll like you. READ MORE »

WAIT, why is he not burning that flag back there and melting down his flag pin? What's his angle?On Sunday, President Obama oversaw the only thing conservatives ever wanted to happen in the world: the death of Osama bin Laden. But accepting that the commander in chief of our nation’s military could have a hand in this has threatened some major cognitive dissonance on the right, because doesn’t that guy seem a little foreign and a lot liberal, thus unable to like the United States of America? Thankfully, ABC News’ Jake Tapper mentioned something on Twitter about a flag being lowered yesterday evening at the World Trade Center site, which could only mean OBAMA WENT TO GROUND ZERO SO HE COULD BURN AMERICAN FLAGS, according to certain conservative bloggers who have a professional duty to misinterpret things. READ MORE »

Uh oh, progressive governor Scott Walker would like to say “thank you” to the men and women who work in public service. That can’t be good. He wants you to send him the names, personal contact information, and places of work of certain state employees. So he’s finally finished those gas chambers he was working on, huh? READ MORE »

You find this funny, Reagan portrait? Yeah, it's pretty funny.Before we turned off the teevee after that terrible debate last night, the Republican Party’s appointed Divider, Frank Luntz, was doing what he always does, standing in front of the whitest people he could find in a few hours, asking them questions to find out how best to make people like this think their political opponents aren’t human beings, much less American. But before he could get into that, he had to allow this restless group of people to express their sudden yet profound commitment to do whatever Herman Cain, the next president of the United States, says. He didn’t just win the debate. He mopped the floor with them all. And it makes absolutely no sense. READ MORE »

Skoal Rebel's LawThe state of Texas is understandably not very good at balancing its budget when an economy like this comes along, because it doesn’t care for book-learnin’ things like accounting, and would much rather spend its time perfecting its shooting-a-gun-in-the-air-indiscriminately skills. Unfortunately, it will have to eventually, but Texans are busy shooting their guns in the air indiscriminately in celebration of recently lowering state taxes on loose-leaf tobacco, which makes their budget situation even worse. But on the other hand, YEE HAW, CHEWIN’ TOBACCY! When asked by the “only [legislator] to question the measure,” state Rep. Jason Isaac (R), if he would could live with the bill leading to more tobacco use in the state, bill sponsor Allan Ritter (R) responded, “I’m very happy with that.” Texas! READ MORE »

But because this is real life, Americans, not Canadians, saved the day.Intelligence analysts have been poring over Osama bin Laden’s hard drives for signs of anything that isn’t porn or World of Warcraft save files, and it would appear they’ve finally found something: Osama bin Laden was in the MSPaint brainstorm stage of an attack on an American train. Yes one (1) whole train, not multiple. And it’s not like bin Laden wanted to explode its cars. He just wanted to mess up the tracks so it would derail “at a valley or a bridge.” And this would all happen on the big 10-year 9/11 anniversary this year to prove… how pathetic Al Qaeda has gotten that a single train derailment was the most ambitious thing they could think up? Was bin Laden planning to come in on a horse and rob this train? READ MORE »

Good News, Every Day

  • Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare money, for food? No sir, you need that money to pay for your drug test.) Anyway: “Recipients who test positive for drugs would lose their benefits for a year. If they fail a second time, they lose the benefits for three years. Parents who test positive must designate another adult to receive benefits on behalf of their children.” Sounds legit. Just another assault on poor people that will go entirely unnoticed. Pass the hobo beans! (What hobo beans? Oh, you mean this delicious drug test? Yummy in the tummy.) [McClatchy] READ MORE »

How dare ye ask such a question!Why did America’s young people “take it to the streets” on May 1st? Were they angry about all the illegal wars? Were they frustrated because undocumented immigrants pay more taxes than our largest corporations? Perhaps all the young, patriotic Americans protested in the streets because we have “less than five percent of the world’s population, but almost a quarter of the world’s prisoners”? Or because “the richest one percent of Americans now take home almost twenty-four percent of income,” just like in a Banana Republic? Don’t be silly! America’s young people emerged from their condos to celebrate Death. Too bad Leni Riefenstahl wasn’t there with her Flip Cam. Speaking of Nazis, do you know who else died on May First? Hitler! Unfortunately we weren’t able to shoot Adolf Hilter in the head and then dump him in the ocean, for Justice — but most of the high-ranking Nazi monsters were still tried and convicted in a court of law. We probably would have killed every member of the Nazi High Command immediately without a proper trial, if they had committed the unconscionable act of murdering 3,000 people. READ MORE »

You laugh, but he actually looks like a pretty strong candidate against this field.Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And it’s on Fox News, so most of the questions will be variations on “Can we trust this communist terrorist to run the economy? Yes, no, or no and also Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?” Please refer to our drinking game so you don’t get boredom-onset seizures! Drinking will keep you busy. And this liveblog, which starts NOW. READ MORE »

The only non-sinful way to injest liquid. We will be liveblogging tonight’s Republican presidential debate which airs at 9 pm ET on the world’s only television channel, Fox News. It will be the DEBATE OF THE CENTURY, if suddenly everyone else on the planet dies and lame people like Tim Pawlenty are the only human beings to exist for the rest of the century. Here’s a handy drinking game to get you through the tedium:

Whenever somebody praises President Obama for getting bin Laden: take one shot, to the head

If they quickly follow that up by giving credit to President Bush for getting bin Laden: knock back one shot of detainee blood READ MORE »

The real abortion 'business.'The House passed the No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act yesterday evening by a 251-175 vote. This has no chance of becoming law, but considering Republicans have promised to make abortion illegal since Roe v. Wade was decided 40 years ago, it’s not like they’ve really ever planned on banning it. If they did ban it, where would they get all those single-issue voters and campaign cash they depend on? People who hate gays? Those folks are dying off pretty quickly. Bill sponsor Rep. Chris Smith, the guy who originally stuck something into this bill that would define for women the “correct” way to have been raped if they hoped to get an abortion, said on the House floor that “some of our politicians, while they talked about human rights, never lifted a finger to protect the most persecuted minority in the world: the child in the womb.” Of course. READ MORE »

Hey, you lazy jerks, why haven’t you been pestering God in your daily prayers to hurry up and assemble Michele Bachmann’s campaign staff? Yes, He’s a busy Guy these days, dealing with the fallout over His decision to put Osama bin Laden on holy trial right in the middle of heaven rather than making it a military tribunal in a secret location on Earth. But Bachmann needs to get her campaign going! What, do you want her to recruit and interview people for these jobs? READ MORE »

Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Angsty rich kid Osama bin Laden could have been just another Saudi playboy, loitering his days away trading oil and chasing Lebanese models. But he just HAD to rebel against his wealthy family and their friends in the Saudi royal family, forever proving that he’s His Own Person or something. And so he embraced the counterintuitive idea that the way to show solidarity with his fellow Muslims — particularly poor and oppressed ones — was to murder loads and loads of Muslims (among others). As you may have heard, last weekend he died a neighbor of our allies in the Pakistani military (but not before distributing terror rabbits to local children). Now that the world’s most iconic mass murderer is dead, it might be worth revisiting his speeches and interviews. READ MORE »

Ken always goes for the bad boy.
That state attorney general who “won” at being the first to defeat Obamacare in his state apparently would like to be beamed up to heaven very quickly so he can go be one of Osama bin Laden’s “Virginans,” which sounds like a cross between “virgin” and “vagina” and “trans.” Wow, what a combo! Whatever your weirdest sex fantasy is, Ken Cuccinelli just topped it. READ MORE »

Scott Brown saw this photo and was immediately convinced he had fallen into a time portal back to when this was taken in the 1980s.Considering the Obama administration has made it clear they have not and will not release any photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, most people would realize the fakes floating around the Internet, which are not even Photoshopped all that well, are not real. Republican Senators Saxby Chambliss, Kelly Ayotte, and Scott Brown, however, saw these on somebody’s LiveJournal or whatever and decided they had been privileged with seeing classified photos. “The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it –- give any better description than that,” Ayotte said, pretending she was important enough to be given access to the bin Laden pixx but wasn’t really allowed to discuss them. These senators apparently forgot the Internet is not just available to them. READ MORE »

  • Okay, this stretches the truth. The water gun was NOT an animal. It was the much scarier 'regular little' water gun model.President Obama may be doing his best to make the Democratic Party, home to the guy who oversaw the murder of the world’s number-one terrorist kingpin, seem effete again by refusing to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse because, like, eww! It’s covered in blood and stuff! Gross! Why do you guys even want to see that? But Reuters has no such qualms. It bought (outbid Gawker?) a series of photos taken by a Pakistan security official at the compound just an hour after the U.S. made their hit and left, and they’re on the Internet. There’s a lot of blood! But no weapons are anywhere to be seen, except for what appears to be a little green plastic water pistol halfway under one of the corpses. Uh, did these guys have actual weapons? Did the terrorists just want to have a Super Soaker fight in the yard with the SEALs, but the SEALs forgot their guns were real? Uhhhhh. [Reuters] READ MORE »