Bah, the sun is gone. So long summer, it was nice while it lasted.

A Sunday round-up for you begins with the Mirror saying Arsene Wenger has cut short his holiday to deal with the futures of Cesc, Nasri and Arshavin, all of whom could leave the club this summer. There’s a shock. I had no idea their futures were in doubt at all. Not sure how that passed me by, to be honest.

There’s a whole pile of stuff in there that we already know. Cesc and Barcelona, Nasri and his new contract, Arshavin and his little belly, none of it is new. The People runs with the Cesc story and speaks of a £50m bid from Inter Milan and also suggests Chelsea and even Man United could be ‘in the market’. Nonsense, really, there’s not a snowball’s chance of any of those deals happening. If Cesc goes it’ll be to Barcelona.

Speaking of which, their press officer, Xavi, has been speaking about the possible arrival of our captain, saying (Spanish):

The lad wants to come. He would be a great footballer for this team but the problem is money. He costs a lot because he is so good. 50 million euros. At the moment the club is not in in it’s best moment economically speaking. The problem is money. He wants to come and we want him here.

We’re heading back down the road of last summer where people are speaking for Cesc and that’s only going to make life more difficult in the end. On one level Xavi is right though, it’s all about the money. If they make an acceptable bid then I think a deal will be done. So they’d probably be well advised to stop talking it and just get on with it if they really want to sign him.

So far this list of possible arrivals hasn’t exactly got anyone drooling and that’s hardly changed today as the only player linked with us is former Gunner Seb Larsson. Has always looked a decent player to me but by his own admission he wasn’t good enough for Arsenal when he left. Maybe it’d say something about the quality of Arsenal now if there were any truth to it. He’s available on a free transfer but I suspect he’ll go somewhere where he’ll play regularly.

Beyond that we don’t have much to go on about possible new players and there’s really only one reason for that – nobody has a fucking clue. We know the club are traditionally keen on playing their cards close to their chest when it comes to new signings and I think that’s more true than ever this summer. The manager knows there’s a lot of work to be done and I think they’ll be super cautious about letting any info slip into the public domain which might affect any possible deal or alert other clubs etc.

Through the grapevine there are stories that the boss is in South America at the moment. Whether he’s there to sign that Ricky Martin chap or somebody else, I could not tell you. He might just be at home having sent an Arsene Wenger lookalike to throw people off the scent, like Obama’s two helicopters.

This is why whenever you see a story linking Arsenal with a player it’s Samba or Parker or Phil Jones or … well … that’s about it, isn’t it? Maybe there’s some truth in them or maybe we’re happy to let people think there’s some truth in them while we go about our real business. Time will tell, but many pinches of salt should be taken when these guys are mentioned.

Back to players out and Colin Wanker is apparently interested in signing Emmanuel Eboue for QPR. Maybe it’s just me but the idea of a Warnock/Eboue combo is just hilarious. In terms of character I just can’t get my head around the two of them. Eboue nodding intently at a Warnock teamtalk he’s pretending to understand, Eboue arriving at Loftus Road in his tiger suit. A match made in footballing heaven, that’s for sure.

I watched a bit of England v Switzerland yesterday. Young Jack was very good, Theo wasn’t, Djourou wasn’t either, but Senderos was. I’ll tell you who else wasn’t any good, Scott Parker. First touch of a rampaging, club-footed elephant he had. Anyway, isn’t Parker just a poor man’s Wilshere at this stage? Not saying our midfield doesn’t need a boost but I’m pretty sure he’s not the guy to do it.

Yesterday’s internationals were the final games of this season and now the players can go off on holidays, rest up, recuperate and get themselves ready for next season. Well for some, isn’t it? A few weeks on the beach, doing nothing, I could live with that. Fear not, however, I’ll be here. Every day. Every. Single, Day.

*weeps at lack of sand in mojitos*

Till tomorrow!

Huge disappointment this morning as Robin van Persie has ‘clarified’ the comments he made about Chelsea and Spain.

Crossing his fingers and trying not to break his hole laughing, he said:

I respect my colleagues of Spain and Chelsea and look forward to playing against them for many years to come. I sincerely hope that all football fans worldwide don’t take these misleading reports seriously. I wish you all a great summer!

Don’t worry, Robin, we know that this was just scurrilous journalism at its very worst. We know there’s absolutely no way you look at the Chelsea squad with anything other than the utmost respect. We understand that this was just somebody trying to make a scandalous story and there’s simply no call for suggesting that you would heartily enjoy the sight of John Terry being lowered into a vat of Abramovich’s boiling oil, shrieking for his mummy to save him, except she can’t save him, can she? No, she’s off shoplifting the dinner from Marks and Spencers.

Anyway, Robin’s honest and quiet dignity in all this means it should blow over soon and he can get back to ‘respecting them’ properly in the season ahead.

Meanwhile, Andrei Arshavin says he decided not to talk to the British media last season because he was concerned his poor English meant he couldn’t always express himself the way he wanted to, thus leaving what he said open to misinterpretation. Sadly, the plan kind of backfired:

However, it didn’t get any better after I decided not to talk to them. Now the British media take my interviews in Russia and translate them at random. And the situation gets even more absurd, when some of the domestic media take this English translation and retranslate it back into Russian.

Sorry, but that’s really quite amusing. A sort of Chinese whispers effect. His only option now is to never, ever say anything again. Or simply hire somebody who is fluent in English and Russian and then communicate via the medium of a Bob Dylan style video:

There would be absolutely no scope for being misunderstood then. It’d be a bit more time consuming than normal but then that’s the price you have to pay to get your message across these days.

France played last night with some Arsenal players in the team. England play later with some Arsenal players in the team.

Latest on the Cesc thing, El Mundo say Barcelona have reached agreement over personal terms (for him and two other players, btw) and now they ‘only’ have to find agreement with the respective clubs.

Strikes me Barcelona aren’t really very good at this. Didn’t they reach agreement over Cesc’s personal terms last summer? I mean, why spend more time on it this year, unless Cesc has made increased demands – like a voucher for dinner twice at week at that Uruguayan restaurant on c/ del Rosselló which sears enormous chunks of meat on a wood fired grill which is at least 25 feet long as you come into the place.

If he hasn’t he’s a damn fool and I’d question the ability of his agent. One steak in there would keep you going for the best part of a week. That would definitely be in my personal terms if I were going to sign for Barcelona. As a double-agent, you understand. I’d still score the winning own goal for Arsenal should we ever meet in an important European fixture. Then I’d blame it on Valdes. He looks like he barely understands the concept of night and day, it’d be easy to confuse him.

Ridiculous transfer rumour of the day: The Star linking us with Jermaine Defoe. Now, I know Arsene has made a couple of odd deals recently but this would be beyond the very pale itself. Signing this scuttery little Spud would be conclusive proof that the Arsene we all loved was kidnapped and replaced by a cloned version, almost the same, just not enough to win a trophy and the clone is now going through some advanced DNA breakdown shit. Bleurgh, it’s just too horrible to contemplate.

Elsewhere Peter Odemwingie says a big club is trying to sign him:

A competent person, whose name I cannot disclose, has let me know that a top club has been expressing interest in me. I don’t know for sure [if it is Arsenal].

It all sounds very mysterious, doesn’t it? A competent person, no less. Those are usually the best kind of people to deal with. Far better than the skittish, let me tell you. Anyway, see what I did there? Under normal circumstances nobody would be that keen on Odemwingie but contrast his arrival with that of Defoe and it’s a full on win.

Granted it’s like the choice between having a cold and ebola, or a slightly gone off banana and a bowl of infected hippo spunk, but still.

Right, bank holiday continues here, the sun is out again and I reckon it’s time for last night’s BBQd lamb for breakfast. Have a charcoaly one, folks.

Morning all, it’s heatwave time in Dublin! Well, not exactly heatwave. More of a coldgone. We actually had some sun yesterday which was very welcome as it meant drinking a beer in the garden was quite pleasant indeed.

I for one plan to enjoy these couple of days of summer and as this weekend is a bank holiday here … well … I think it’s time to break out the mint. Oh yeah.

On to matters Arsenal and Robin van Persie has been talking about Chelsea and Spain, calling them bitches and stuff. He reckons they should stop harping on at referees:

Chelsea players are always bitching against the referees. I really cannot understand that. Just shut the fuck up and focus on playing football.

I have to say I thoroughly approve. After the goals he scored since January he’s got a free pass from me and what I like about what he’s saying is that it’s what we think too. Every time I see John Terry go over with his face and mouth and use them to make loud, churning sounds at a referee or tabloid newspaper when time they do something he doesn’t like then I can’t help myself from shouting ‘Shut the fuck up’, even though I know he can’t hear me.

To be honest, I’m usually a little more forthright than Robin, adding a ‘you thundering cuntspanner’ or a ‘you patchy haired, blubbering, penalty shanking wankhammer’. Perhaps Robin just needs some practice. He’s only starting down the road of throwing foul-mouthed abuse at footballers in public, I’ve been at this some time. I’d be quite happy to give him some lessons actually. We know he likes a bit of verbals on the pitch, you often see him mouthing ‘you fucking prick’ at an opponent, but to add real Arseblognal quality he needs to be a bit more inventive than that.

I know there are some out there who will say ‘Oh footballer, who has very often engaged the referee in similar discourse to the one he’s criticising others for, what a hypocrite!’, but I say, ‘so fucking what?’ The game is quite bland these days. Ultra-marketed, super-corporate, protect the ‘brand’, don’t say or do anything too controversial, and I understand that, I really do. You don’t want the image of your club tainted by incidents which are probably best avoided.

You know, knocking up a teammate’s missus, crashing your sports car while drunk and giving a false name to the police when the police know full well you’re not the footballer you say you are, dangerous liaisons, drugs, wife beating etc etc. Those things are best avoided for everyone’s sake.

Yet a player who thinks a bit like a fan and has some of the same kind of passion as a fan, well, I can’t really argue with that. Does Robin hate Chelsea? I don’t know but he’s told them to ‘shut the fuck up’ in public, which isn’t something you hear too often from players. Is he still bitter with Spain for them not being booted off the park in the World Cup final? Clearly there’s still some resentment there,

And that’s no bad thing. Bitterness is a fine motivator, as is hatred. Yeah, yeah, turn to the dark side and all that, but apart from when they got blown up at the end the dark side were winners. Exploding planets, cutting off people’s hands, building a massive great empire, stone cold, 100% winners. All we have to do is ensure we never play against a team of little furry midgets who live in a forest and we’re all set to do the same. And anyone who doesn’t like it should, you know, shut the fuck up.

Onto today’s transfer guff and the Mail says we’re in with a sneaky £4m bid for West Brom striker Peter Odemwingie. Hopefully we’re chucking in a free Carlos Vela with that too. As with all stories like this it’s hard to know what’s real, what’s agent planted nonsense, and given the publication I suspect it’s more likely the latter, but this would be a typical Wenger signing. He’s looked a decent player but after one season in the Premier League we don’t have much to judge him on. We shall see.

In The Sun a story that Arsenal have told Real Madrid that Cesc will cost then £54m. Heh. This morning the Spanish press are reporting a €30m bid being prepared by Barcelona which probably goes some way to explaining the story in The Sun. €30m is a long, long way from being acceptable.

Meanwhile, Denilson has been talking to the Brazilian press and has denied that he wants to leave because he’s not playing or that we haven’t won a trophy. He says he’s just unhappy at the club and wants to go somewhere else to learn a new language. And asked about whether the manager might have done more by bringing in experienced players, he said (Portuguese – Google translation):

In my opinion Wenger did what he had to do. He was a honest man, very clear and correct with everyone. He gave the opportunity and unfortunately we could not take it. If there is someone to blame for this it´s us, the players, that are on the field. I will never blame it on Wenger.

Make of that what you will. Thanks to Marcos for the translation this morning.

And that’s about that for today. Time to bask in the sun before the real summer returns. Till tomorrow.

There are many things you can be sure of in life.

The sun will come up. The sun will go down.

Grass is green. The sky is blue.

Booze is good. Hangovers are bad.

Bob Pires is dreamy. Ryan Shawcross is a brutal caveman.

Phil Collins is a stupendous cunt. And every summer the Catalan press will writes stories about wanting our best players.

Just a couple of days after winning the Champions League in handsome fashion they have grown tired of that and tired of stories about Barcelona players dancing with popstrels. Buses around the city have been done, cheering has happened, and now it’s down to the traditional summer business of transfer shenanigans.

If there was a picture of the  typical British summer it would be the old man, handkerchief tied around his head, sitting on the deck chair eating a soggy egg sandwich. In Spain, or more specifically in Catalunya, it is a journalist called Jordi, hunched over a screen, making ever more confident announcements about players joining FC Barcelona. Forget the fact that 90% of them don’t, thus making Jordi wrong most of the time, it doesn’t matter.

In no other line of work could such incorrectness be tolerated. Imagine a doctor who gets 90% of his diagnoses wrong. Or a striker who misses 90% of his shots (please remove the vision of Nicklas from your mind, I was merely making a point). Ok, so sports journalism isn’t quite as important as finding out if someone has a terminal disease or missing a last minute chance in the Nou Camp (sorry, couldn’t get that image out of my mind), but it’s still pretty crap to get so much wrong, so often.

It’s all part of the game though. Speculate, tease, tantalise, lure those readers in, the siren call of infinite possibility, the poor public just can’t help themselves. They lap it up, the hope and promise, the written version of crystal meth, each day coming back for more and more and more. And it’s not just a Spanish thing, let’s face it, football fans all over always want the shiny new thing, the player who is the equivalent of a new pair of jeans and a t-shirt; you always feel good when you wear them for the first time, the same applies to seeing a new signing pull on that shirt.

Anyway, this morning Sport have started the Cesc merry-go-round:

Basically they’re saying that Cesc has rushed his holiday in Vegas (although I was unaware he could make time itself go faster) and will do ‘everything in his power’ to wear the fabled Barcelona shirt … but he will wait for Barcelona to make their move, mindful of what happened last summer. So everything in his power is, of course, doing nothing until they do something.

Also, he’s been to the Grand Canyon. Which as we all know is a sure sign that a transfer is about to happen any time now. I know what Arsene Wenger said the other week about ‘fighting’ to keep Cesc, which is quite telling in itself, but the ball is very much in Barcelona’s court at this moment in time.

If they’re serious about signing Cesc they would do well to do things properly this time around. Last summer we had a never ending procession of Barcelona players talking about our captain in public, which was clearly a defined strategy. Unsettle the player, try and damage the relationship between player and club/player and fans, then swoop in and try and buy player for a price which is acceptable because damage control is ongoing. It did not work. It only served to make Arsenal more resolute in their desire to keep Cesc. They’d probably have sold him to Sp*rs quicker.

If it happens this summer Barcelona will have to do things properly. That means going through the proper channels, no Xavi talking about how he wants to drink massive goblets of Cesc’s DNA, nobody talking about how Cesc’s heart is in a different place from his body. Let club officials do what club officials do. Barcelona have to make a bid that is acceptable to Arsenal Football Club and things will happen from there. Or not, but if they try and do what they did last summer then I suspect nobody is going to be happy.

And much will depend on what Barcelona’s finances are like. We know that last summer they were in the toilet and they chose to spend first on David Villa instead of Cesc. This summer I don’t know if things have improved that much – perhaps their new sponsors ‘Times New Roman Foundation’ might flex their financial muscles and provide them with the cash to make the bid – but even so it seems they’ve targeted Rossi as their first transfer of the summer.

We shall see, but as I said on the Arsecast the other day, let’s hope whatever happens, with all our transfers, happens quickly and we avoid the protracted sagas that have been the bane of many a summer. Footballing soap opera bullshit which, like Robbie Savage, is the most unseemly element of the game and really ought to put in a cloth sacked, weighed down with stones and fucked into a fast flowing river.

Some transfer rumours this morning involve Gonzalo Higuain, who is apparently available from Real Madrid, and Wigan’s James McCarthy, a player I know the manager has had his eye on for some time. The latter more likely than the former but still not that likely, in my opinion. It would require a Diabpature for it to be realistic, I think.

Apparently Alex Song has had some kind of Nasri-esque bust up with Samuel Eto’o on international duty and been dismisssed from the Cameroon squad. I don’t have much interest in this, to be honest. I know some people might suggest that Song, being a young guy who has won precisely fuck all in his career, ought to be more respectful of a guy like Eto’o who has won quite a lot, but then who really gives a shit what any of them do on international duty?

Plus I can never think of Eto’o without thinking of this and it always makes me laugh. Any excuse, I know.

Bonus reading: Tim Stillman knows what this country really needs.

Till tomorrow, people who make a sound like a walrus having anal sex when they cry (there’s no short term for that, sorry).