Life Balance
Life Balance is about living life to the fullest and living it NOW. Rewarding relationships are built on interactions and with effective interpersonal skills success can be achieved with both business and personal partnerships. Here are some brief tips on family issues, personal difficulties and relationship challenges that affect so many of us.
If you have a great relationship with your mother-in-law or father-in-law you are truly blessed.
If you have kids, time spent with their extended family can be a real blessing and generate so many special moments - as well as ease the burden on you.
But people are nurturing, territorial creatures and sometimes that can mean they become just a bit too smothering, even though they mean well. And that leads to the interfering in-law who insist on telling you how to look after their son or daughter and consstantly trying to enforce "old style" ways of child rearing.
That only gets worse when your partner chooses to stay out of any arguments or - worse - sticks up for his mom or dad in their battle with you.
So what is the real problem here? Is it the interfering in-law or the lack of support from your partner?
If you are able to deal with these things as a couple, then even though they may be frustrating at the time, they can be a source of shared amusement later. Make sure you share your anxieties with your partner, because he or she really needs to be on your side - no matter how loyal they feel to their folks. If you find yourselves divided, trouble lies ahead. In the end, your in-laws really just wants the best for their own kids and grandchildren.
When you have spent a lifetime bringing up a family, creating a home and setting standards, you are bound to have opinions and ideas. And remember the son or daughter you married was "created" from the family environment set down by those in-laws. They can't be all bad or all wrong.
They may be outdated or overly involved, but next time they give advice, show you are listening; see how you can use any of the suggestions in a positive way; offer thanks (and not through gritted teeth) and say you will think about what has been said and give thought to what course of action to take.
Just because someone gives you advice, doesn't mean you have to act on it. But sometimes there just might be a few gems in the offer - and certain bonus points for having listened seriously.
If you are clever you will ask them for advice on little things that aren't all that important - just to show you value their opinion. Letting them have input on trivial things can help head off rows over big things. If you show that you care about what they say, that is a big step towards finding happiness with your partner's parents.
Personalize:
Get to know them as people. Be genuinely interested in who they are, what they have done, what they like and their values.
Understand:
Realizing what they were like as a mother or father to your partner may help you have more patience for there irritating tendencies.
Treat them as equals:
They are older and may have strong opinions but you are not their subordinate; YOU are not their child. They may have money or status, but that does not give them the right to be controlling. So deal with them as equals - preferably as friends. Include them in social events. Call up to see if you can help out from time to time. Keep in touch and don't hide away waiting for them to call. Send birthday and thank you cards.
Be direct:
If they seem less than courteous even after you make real efforts at reaching peace. Don't be afraid to have a gentle heart to heart. This shouldn't be seen as a confrontation, but as a genuine desire for understanding so things can improve for both sides.
Seek their advice:
If there's something that only "mom can make," like the Sunday roast, is it such a big deal to ask her how you too can make it that way? She'll feel honored and appreciated.
Involve her:
If they seem interfering there's a good chance they are just trying to make sure they still have a part in their son or daughter's life. They can feel just as threatened as you because you are "taking away" someone who has mean everything to them for so long. Find ways to involve them in your lives on a regular basis.
Include Grandma and Grandpa:
If you have kids, encourage a healthy relationship with the grandparents, setting up days for them to be with the children and include them in family occasions. Grandparents can be a truly special part of a child's life, bringing love, education and wide values.
If all else fails:
In the end if nothing you do seems to work or to be good enough in the eyes of your in–laws you may have to put a healthy distance between them and you - for the sake of YOUR peace of mind and your relationship with your husband and children.
But make sure that is the last resort, because it is so much better for all concerned to get along. That way everyone wins.
Healthy relationships bring happiness and make us feel good about our lives and ourselves.
Unhealthy relationships bring irritation, frustration and loneliness.
So how do we ensure we have happy, healthy relationships?
The keys are:
- Communication
- Caution
- Connection
Communication
The hardest of them all. Whether it's your partner, friend, child or boss - get used to communicating. This means asking questions and being a good listener. If you have an issue, talk about it but not when you're angry. Avoid confrontation and instead of blaming or criticizing, tell them how you feel.
Caution
Don't be too rigid and self-opinionated. Allow others to have their point of view. Recognize when you're wrong and be prepared say sorry. "Sorry" isn't the hardest word, it is one of the easiest and most valuable. It costs you nothing, it matters a great deal to the person you say it to, and it wins you so much.
Connection
Make time; It doesn't matter if it's on the phone, in letters or physically connecting, put time aside to genuinely be with others. Share yourself. Show people you're human by opening up with them and sharing something personal. Don't be a people pleaser; if you share some of the "real you" then healthy relationships will come easily.
Conflict in life is inevitable and occurs when we want something from someone or we have a difference of opinion.
It can also occur when we forget that our relationships need to be constantly nurtured and cared for to keep a level of understanding, respect and love between two people.
All too often we blame the other person, rather than telling them how we feel which is far more productive. Or we tend to let little things go by and keep the irritation bubbling within us until one more thing happens and we overreact to something minor.
But conflict is not always bad; it's the way you handle conflict which can make the difference. By adopting these behavioral changes conflict can become a productive source of getting to know each other and developing a closer stronger bond.
Positive conflict resolution is about respecting others while still being true to yourself.
Here are some behavior change suggestions to integrate as habits into your life.
- Instead of taking an angry stance, which will provoke an aggressive response, use "I" statements to say how you feel when there is a conflict. For example; "I feel hurt and annoyed when you come home late and I've prepared your dinner." Then follow up with an action point; "Can you please call and let me know next time?"
- Respect others' points of view, don't be so controlling or inflexible that they have to share your every value and belief.
- Avoid letting small issues build into large conflicts. Say how you feel as you go, rather than let it build up inside of you.
- Don't deny that anything is wrong; putting your head in the sand won't solve the issue, be prepared to work through conflicts.
- Put yourself in the others' shoes. Try to understand their position and validate how they're feeling.
- Make sure your non-verbal communication is in line with how you feel. Don't put on a happy face when you're expressing how you feel about a recent conflict. Your communication needs to be consistent.
- Focus on the positive, instead of only expressing the negative.
- Work together to gain the best possible outcome, rather than adopting a "you and them" attitude.
Friendship is what builds longevity in relationships so if you're looking for a partnership with more substance, being a friend as well as lover will build intimacy and understanding.
The more you share with your partner the more open and honest your interaction will be. Of course there is some vulnerability in doing this but if you gradually open your heart on a personal level they will reciprocate.
However, like any friendship it will take time. Strong bonds of love, trust and respect are not built over night; it grows over time with a sharing and caring attitude for each other.
So how can you ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship with your partner, which includes friendship and passion?
- Communication is the key factor. Second guessing your partner's thoughts and feelings can lead to misunderstandings, so get used to communicating. This means asking questions and being a good listener.
- Don't be too rigid or self-opinionated. Have your own point of view, but allow your partner to have theirs and respect that you are not always going to agree.
- Make time; It doesn't matter if it's on the phone, in writing or physically connecting, put time aside to genuinely be with each other, just the two of you.
- Share yourself. When you tell your partner something personal about you, it makes you more human and real, building a closer bond.
- If you have an issue, talk about it, but not when you're angry. Make a time to discuss issues, and instead of blaming or criticizing, tell them how you are feeling.
- Recognize when you're wrong and say sorry. Don't be as stubborn as a mule; life is too short.
- Be passionate. As much as you work on being friends, don't forget passion. If you have a strong friendship as well as passionate intimacy you will be happy for years.
Life will never be the same! Of course you thought you realized this when you first decided to have a family or became pregnant. But did you really understand how big a change was in store for you?
Having a new born baby in the household does come as a dramatic shock to some couples. And for your first child there's so much hype and excitement around the occasion everyone forgets to share with you the reality you're about to face: sleepless nights; routines out the window; not enough time for each other.
It's a severe test on your relationship. Especially when the male partner is used to having all the affection and now he's likely to come second, which is the same as "last" in the equation of having his needs met.
So how do you cope with baby and keep your relationship together as well?
Here are some tips to keep you sane in the process of building your family and taking your relationship to another level.
- Don't forget your little buddle of joy has grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who he or she would just love to get to know. Take full advantage of your relatives and give you and your partner a break.
- Now is a good time to cultivate friends who are also starting families so you can share these precious moments, trials and torments. And it's good for your guy to know that he's not the only one whose needs have fallen down the ladder of importance.
- Remember to take time to give hugs and kisses. Do little things to let each understand that even though a baby makes three, you're still each other's number one.
- Husbands who demand sex can put undue pressure on new mothers, so make sure you talk about this. If you are exhausted then sparks aren't likely to fly.
- Communicate to find out when the best time is for you both to be intimate.
- You MUST find baby sitters. Good baby sitters are worth their weight in gold, so build a list, because they will be in demand.
- Realize a family will change your relationship forever - but it should be the basis of a deeper, stronger love between you.
Happy parents make happy families so by taking the time to ensure you have the time together to keep your relationship spiced up and on track will make a happier environment for your little ones.
But if you have a failure in a relationship - particulary in love, don't let yourself end up with a revolving door of lovers in a bid to compensate for what you have lost.
Rebound relationships come when we try too hard and too soon to fill the void left by the most recent Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful and the quicker the better.
When what we thought was going to be the love of our life turns into a lost love, it's natural to want to fall into the arms of the next charming prospect.
However the reality is that we often fall into the arms of someone who is uncomfortably similar in looks or character or personality to the person who just walked out.
Don't just charge out there and make the same mistakes again. Ending one relationship and rushing in to another is more than likely going to end in more tears.
Hard though it may seem, you have to work out why the last romantic adventure didn't work then we still have valuable lessons to learn. And when we get back on the same ole merry-go-round, unfortunately all too often a pattern of infatuation and resentment follows.
Firstly we have high expectations and when our lovers inevitably fall off the pedestal we put them on we get disappointed. Of course there's always the exception to this pattern and there are the lovers who do live happily ever after but it's not without work, which includes nurturing their relationships with love, tenderness, trust and honesty. And these two lovebirds who have had colorful lives know what they're looking for. And with the dedication they've both developed for their careers they have what it takes to make a partnership work. Communication is the key here and if a good pattern of communication is developed between them they'll have many great times to look forward to.
Divorce is hard on everyone but especially the children.
Discussions and actions involving children should be handled responsibly as they may or may not understand what is happening to their family. Ideally both parents should arrange a time to tell children and be there for questions that are sure to arise now and in the future. Expect they will have "why" questions but mostly they need to know that both parents will continue to be in their lives.
Then they need to know what will be the same and what will be different. Most importantly, your children need to know - and be constantly reassured - that they are not in any way responsible for the divorce.
Other things that make it easier for children is when parents agree on what's important in the child's life and sort any differences out in privacy. Fighting about children can make the child feel guilty.
Also making the child be the in-between with messages can put them in a difficult position where they can feel they need to take sides. Leave the children out of your personal grief. You are the adults; behave like it by being supportive to your children and not making them bare the brunt of your differences.
A child's understanding of divorce and ability to cope with the traumatic effects, will depend on their development stage and it would be wise to gain professional help as to how each child is likely to feel and act.
Introducing a new partner to your children can be difficult, but it happens, and it may be critically important for your future happiness.
You can build a quality and loving relationship between you and the children including your ex.
Here are some regularly asked questions:
Q. What should my partner's children call me?
A. I would suggest using your first name or maybe a suitable nickname that everyone's comfortable with.
Q. Who disciplines the children?
A. If the parent outside of this relationship is a regular influence in the child's life it's beneficial if both parents agree on a disciplinary benchmark. This will save confusion in the child's life. The new partner would then adopt these disciplinary standards. If the other parent is not regularly involved it's most important for both you and your partner to mutually agree on disciplinary actions.
Q. My child doesn't like my new partner;
A. If your partner treats you in a loving manner, then over time the children will generally become friendlier. At first, they can feel disloyal to the other parent by liking your new partner and it could also be shattering their hopes of mom and dad reuniting.
Q. How can I get my partner's children to like me?
A. Be natural and be yourself, they will sense if you're putting on an act. Also don't push it; they'll come around in their own time. And be consistent so they know what to expect from you. It takes time to integrate children to a new partnership so be realistic and don't expect too much straight away. However if there's love, respect and trust between you and your partner don't give up, it's worth working on.
