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Do you people realize how close to our border Canada is? You know, in some places, it's less than a mile away. And why are they always hovering up above us? Is it maybe because the high ground is the best strategic location for a military strike? I'm just asking the questions here, people.
If it weren't for Twitter, where else would comedians be able to discuss political happenings (in 140-character messages)?
Vital Gingrich staffers leave campaign in part due to clash with wife. Wives; can't live with'em, can't have mildly funny divorce-centric jokes without'em.
In Palin's defense, the whole Paul Revere thing is based on a poem anyway, and everybody knows that poetry is a huge part of the gay agenda.
OMG YOU GUUUUYS! It does NOT get BIGGER than THIS! Hold onto your hats and helmets and other extraneous and unnecessary headwear, because it might just get BLOWN THE EFF OFF when you hear this!
Okay. Okay okay okay okay. OKAY! Ready? Are you ready? Check this out — and don't say we didn't warn you: President Obama has created a Rural Advisory Group.
Are you still breathing?
Whew! Thought we'd lost you for a moment there! Hey, listen, if you need to get some water or something, we totally get it. Just try to talk yourself down before you dive into this heady bit of breaking news…
Mr. Obama is signing the executive order to create the White House Rural Council, and will name Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack as chairman, administration officials said.
The council will provide recommendations on ways to invest in the economy in rural areas. It will coordinate exchanges between businesses and local communities, farmers and tribal governments, looking for ways to get the country’s estimated 60 million rural residents better access to education, health care and job opportunities.
We can only assume this will be a much better use of Tom Vilsack's time than, say, firing elderly black women because he's afraid of Andrew Breitbart and Glenn Beck.
"The Founding Fathers… already had the entire debate on creation/evolution… and you've got Thomas Paine, the least religious of the Founding Fathers, saying you got to teach creation science in the public school classroom. The scientific method demands it!"
Wow! Those Founding Fathers, they really had it all together didn't they? Not only did they create the greatest nation that has ever existed in the universe, but they also invented the theory of evolution by means of natural selection decades before Charles Darwin just so they could tell it to go fuck itself!
You've got to admire that kind of proactive demagoguery.
This upcoming Tuesday, Jon Benjamin's new Comedy Central series Jon Benjamin Has a Van will be premiering, featuring this thought-provoking segment called "You Can't Shoot Here"…
That provoked me to do some thinking about all the places that U.S. government — supposedly the most transparent in generations — won't let us record. So, I did some research and came up with this list. (I had to run it through the Viacom legal department, but it's still pretty interesting, I think.)
Read at your own risk…
The ███████████ Building
████ ███████████ St. in ██████████, ██
OMG YOU GUUUUYS! It does NOT get BIGGER than THIS! Hold onto your hats and helmets and other extraneous and unnecessary headwear, because it might just get BLOWN THE EFF OFF when you hear this!
