The big Dutch boy wanted to fight about the ship's name again. She was a 400 ton merchantman called Tijdverdrijf- 'Pastime' in English. Four years as a printer's devil had taught Rafferty Flynn his letters well enough to spell it, but damned if he could pronounce it. The closest he got was 'tits-fer-drift.' Apparently, it wasn't close enough, because the square-headed carpenter's apprentice had never missed an opportunity to take offense at Raff's mangling of the word.
“You scrawny Irish rat,” the Dutchie shouted. “I'm tired of your funny talk.”
It seemed silly to Raff that the Dutchie, whose sing-song accent made him think of a braying donkey, should mock his perfectly respectable brogue. And sillier still that the larger boy should want to settle the issue with fists. But here they were, circling one another on the sun-beaten mid deck, both sweating and flushed in the still Caribbean air, hands clenched and faces twisted, ready to pound one another senseless. All in all, Raff thought, a foolish way to spend a morning.
But before the first punch could be thrown, Brennan, the American deck hand, stepped between them. "Dudes!" he yelled. "Whassup? Take a goddamned chill pill wouldja?"
Now there was a diction they could really hate.
Opening: Sean McCluskey.....Continuation: anon.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Face-Lift 904
Guess the Plot
Kingdom of God
1. After a fatal accident, former president Bush attempts to bring good old US Democracy to heaven.Kingdom of God
2. A dyslexic adventurer visits a nation with a canine ruler. Heresy ensues.
3. When Michelle sees a video of a police officer apprehending an armed and violent suspect, the officer's use of profanity pushes her fragile psyche into madness. "That is so unprofessional!" she exclaims, as she begins her crusade to establish... The Kingdom of God
4. When Rowena dies and goes to heaven, her every desire is instantly fulfilled. But when she notices that heaven has no homosexuals or non-Christians or sinners of any kind, and hears the tormented cries coming from hell below, she realizes that God is no caring, generous Father, but a cold-hearted dictator. Maybe she's in Bizarro Heaven. Not that she can do anything about it . . . until an underground resistance group of undercover angels ask her to join their movement to oust God from the seat of absolute power. Hey, someone's gotta take this egomaniac down a peg.
5. As a neurotic perfectionist, Prince Rarufi feels compelled to always have the best possible everything, so when an indiscreet cleric mentions that of course the Kingdom of God is more perfect than all others, Rarufi raises an army and goes north to usurp it.
6. First, it was the Jehovah's Witnesses in their Sunday suits. Then, the Mormons came with their thousand-pound bibles. Well, the next group that ignores Della's "No Religious Missionaries" sign had better be prepared to meet their maker. Unless their god can tell them the locations of her hidden land mines.
7. Pastor Ralph Sedgewick has a dream: Buy the decaying Wild Island amusement park and turn it into a religious-themed attraction. Unfortunately billionaire developer Ginny Gerardon wants the same property--for condominiums. Can they reach a compromise . . . without falling in love?
Original Version
Dear Agent,
Rowena Martin--a 38-year-old wife, mother, and faithful Lutheran--wakes up naked and disoriented one morning, alone in a field of shimmering Easter grass. Yet a great sense of calm well-being surrounds her. Why? She has died and her soul has risen to Heaven.
In the glorious hereafter, her every desire is instantly fulfilled. She is thin, popular, and beautiful, with perfect [teeth and] eyesight. She possesses every talent she's ever wished for, including the ability to [play "Yankee Doodle" with her armpit and to] read the innermost thoughts of everyone she meets. Lies and secrets don't exist. [Did you say this was heaven or hell?] She mingles with fascinating people from various historical periods and backgrounds--and even rubs elbows with such illustrious holy figures as angels, the Virgin Mary, and Jesus of Nazareth. Best of all, she gets to meet God Himself, the wise and loving Father whose intricate plan rules over the entire universe. [God! We finally meet. I've heard so much about you. You look shorter in person.]
But something sinister flickers around the edges of paradise, and in a realm without secrets it doesn't take long for newcomers to discover the truth: [They're not in heaven after all; they're in some town called Stepford.] Hell is just as real as Heaven.
The screams of sinners in the fiery pits below her begin to haunt Rowena constantly. [Nothing's worse than moving into a new place and finding out the walls are paper thin and the neighbors never shut up.] The majority of human beings, she learns, are predestined for Hell. Nonbelievers, homosexuals, those who commit suicide or ascribe to religions other than Christianity--all are inexorably doomed. [Wait, weren't Jesus and the Virgin Mary Jews? How'd they get in?] [Don't look now, but you've just reduced your potential audience by about six billion.] And her own daughter is one of the millions [billions] slated for eternal torture in the flames.
Suddenly God doesn't seem like such a caring, generous Father after all. [Your villain is God?] Instead He appears to be a cold-hearted dictator. But Rowena has no freedom or privacy to truly contemplate His nature. Every time she thinks anything potentially blasphemous, she falls unconscious as the Lord and His angels attempt to reform her mind. [I wouldn't last a minute in this place.] She's warned that if she continues to allow heresy in her thoughts, she could end up in Hell herself. [Don't think about a pink elephant.]
On and on the damned cry out for help, but she must sit by and smile, powerless. Until, that is, members of an underground resistance movement ask her to join their crusade. The group, formed by undercover angels and ordinary people who have lost loved ones to Hell, claims to be getting closer every day to ousting God from the seat of absolute power. [I think they might pull it off. God will never suspect them.] But are they really? Or is the Lord simply setting them up for a massive fall? [If God knows what they're up to, He's not gonna wait to see if they go through with it, He's gonna ship them to hell immediately. And if He doesn't know, why am I capitalizing His pronouns?] And if the coup does succeed, what will become of the universe? Can the world go on without God at its helm?
Kingdom of God is a 101,000-word adult literary novel. Sample chapters or the complete manuscript are available upon request.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
This is too long, and it's all set-up. Something like my Guess the Plot can be your first paragraph. The rest (five or six sentences) should be devoted to the plan to oust God, assuming Rowena joins the movement. What's the plan, what goes wrong, how is Rowena instrumental in pulling it off? If she doesn't join the movement, why is she the main character? She must do something to get heaven back on track. Focus on Rowena, not the situation.
I think God should threaten to send Rowena to hell if she refuses to convert from Lutheran to Methodist.
I don't see why my minions shouldn't capitalize my pronouns. It's common courtesy.
Monday, May 09, 2011
New Beginning 855
Dear Diary,
We geeks are supposed to be exempt from adolescent hormones, but what happened today at the swim meet shot that theory to pieces. Three words: James Carlos. Speedos.
Three more words: Hot. Hot. HOT.
He was limbering-up by the side of the pool. My eyes only moved away from those tanned shoulders to check out the tightly wrapped buns. Did I mention he was hot?
I was so busy processing every nuance of those perfectly toned glutes that I happened to miss a subtle feature of the landscape. The diving platform. Yep, I walked straight into the pylon, and next thing I knew, I was flat on my back.
I picked myself up as if I’d meant to drive my head into a concrete pillar – did it every day. I’m cool, I’m ok. Only the whole school saw. Charli and Cass ran to me, giggling, but I brushed them off. To change the subject, I pointed at James.
No, it hadn’t been my imagination. My loquacious friends temporarily lost their syntax. Their eyeballs would have dropped to the ground too, if they hadn’t been fastened by the optic nerve.
We pretended to take pix of each other whilst subtly framing James in each shot. But those revolting Scali twins caught-on. They kindly shielded him and dropped their shorts for our benefit.
So in addition to a throbbing haematoma on my forehead, I now have the image of those two scrawny, pimply derrieres etched into my visual cortex.
Unlike my phone, there’s no delete function.
* * *
Evil Editor gathered up the pages and fed them through the shredder. She's wrong, he thought. There's a delete function for everything.
Opening: anonymous.....Continuation: anon.
We geeks are supposed to be exempt from adolescent hormones, but what happened today at the swim meet shot that theory to pieces. Three words: James Carlos. Speedos.
Three more words: Hot. Hot. HOT.
He was limbering-up by the side of the pool. My eyes only moved away from those tanned shoulders to check out the tightly wrapped buns. Did I mention he was hot?
I was so busy processing every nuance of those perfectly toned glutes that I happened to miss a subtle feature of the landscape. The diving platform. Yep, I walked straight into the pylon, and next thing I knew, I was flat on my back.
I picked myself up as if I’d meant to drive my head into a concrete pillar – did it every day. I’m cool, I’m ok. Only the whole school saw. Charli and Cass ran to me, giggling, but I brushed them off. To change the subject, I pointed at James.
No, it hadn’t been my imagination. My loquacious friends temporarily lost their syntax. Their eyeballs would have dropped to the ground too, if they hadn’t been fastened by the optic nerve.
We pretended to take pix of each other whilst subtly framing James in each shot. But those revolting Scali twins caught-on. They kindly shielded him and dropped their shorts for our benefit.
So in addition to a throbbing haematoma on my forehead, I now have the image of those two scrawny, pimply derrieres etched into my visual cortex.
Unlike my phone, there’s no delete function.
* * *
Evil Editor gathered up the pages and fed them through the shredder. She's wrong, he thought. There's a delete function for everything.
Opening: anonymous.....Continuation: anon.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Friday, May 06, 2011
Feedback Request
The author of Along the Beach (Face-Lift 699) seeks comments on a new version of his query. Which you'll find at Phoenix's place.
Face-Lift 903
Guess the Plot
Temper
1. Victoria is a typical village girl, cheerful and hardworking. But when her temper flares, so does everything around her. After setting two would-be attackers ablaze, Victoria flees into the forest, pursued by a mob of witch hunters. Saved by a handsome wizard named Zeke, Victoria finds that love, more than magic, helps tame her unruly powers.
2. The Kingdom is in danger. Only Beatrice, wielder of the sword Feldspar, can vanquish the evil. Problem is Beatrice is a hot-headed teenager and Feldspar is too flimsy to even cut bread! Can Beatrice calm down while at the same time using metallurgy to add carbon alloys to her blade?
3. A series of murders in small business offices terrorizes greater Biloxi. The FBI comes in to help local police profile the killer. But nobody looks twice at the quiet, efficient young lady from the temp agency, who types 108 words a minute and throws a mean stiletto.
4. Abelle, Apprentice Swordsmith to Royal Master Klegion, needs to find the blood needed to turn the Master's latest chunk of steel into a magic weapon. But the apothecary is all out of dragon blood, there are no elves for sale at the slave auction, and he isn't going to sacrifice himself. Maybe it's time the Apprentice became the Master.
5. Tammy Perkins's nickname was bestowed on her at the age of one, when she threw her first tantrum over some baby bling. Fifteen years later, she seems to have met the one person who won't cave to her histrionics. But will the cute new boy reveal a set of fangs?
6. Unity has remained a recluse because her temper is so bad she's liable to kill anyone who annoys her. Which is bad news for the daughter she has, about nine months after loneliness brings her out of isolation. Terrified of harming her daughter, she abandons her and takes a less-stressful job trying to prevent war between two rival kingdoms.
Original Version
Unity has a deadly temper. Literally. Her anger will irreversibly stop the heart of the person she is angry with. [Which explains why she's never fouled out of a basketball game.]
Heart Stoppers are identified at their magical Unlocking ceremony and summarily executed; [Coincidentally, it's been years since any Heart Stoppers actually showed up for their Unlocking ceremony.] Unity only survived because her father was the Mage officiating at the ceremony, and hid her curse.
Unity grows up a recluse, learning skills to control her temper, but fails to remove the curse.
[Top 5 Most Dangerous Jobs in the World
5. Coal Miner
4. Cop
3. Fireman
2. Fisherman
1. Anger management instructor for teen-aged Heart Stoppers]
Loneliness eventually forces her out of isolation following her father’s death, and she lives in a small village, married to [a] humble [mute] man. Her prodigious magical ability brings her to the attention of the Crown, [What is she using her magical ability to do?] and she is offered her father’s old job.
Unity faces the greatest challenge to her calm: a strong-willed infant. Terrified of harming her daughter, she flees and accepts the job, where she impresses with her innovative spells to defend the kingdom.
Unity’s temper kills a visiting foreign prince, but she manages to cover her involvement.
Longing to be a recluse again, Unity feels responsible for the escalating aggression between the prince’s kingdom and her own. [She is responsible, if the escalation began with the killing of the visiting prince.] Her skills are needed to keep the land safe from magical attack, so she resolves to leave once she has found and trained a successor.
The only suitable candidate identified after many years of searching [Many years? A person with powerful magic ought to be able to use it to flush out other people with magic. An ad in CraigsList would have gotten a dozen candidates.] [If I resolve to leave town after training a successor, and I can't even find one after a couple years, I'm gone, and screw the kingdom.] is her own estranged daughter, Rory. Furious at being abandoned, Rory rebels against all of Unity’s attempts to train her, baiting her constantly. [And she's still alive?] Rory only stays because her best friend, Jeremy, the illegitimate son of the murdered prince, is determined to uncover the killer using the latest magical devices they can “borrow” from Unity’s laboratory.
Told from both Unity’s and Rory’s points of view, TEMPER is a 70000 word [70,000-word] YA fantasy.
Notes
This seems a bit long. Those one-sentence plot paragraphs are eating up a lot of space. I know you don't want us to think Unity would have a child out of wedlock, but do we really need the humble husband in the query? We can do without Jeremy as well.
As I understand it (from the previous New Beginning post and comments), the heart-stopping death ray emanates as a spherical wave that begins in Unity's forehead. Thus it would kill anyone in the room or the area. Does the wave know to kill Joe but not Ed when they're standing next to each other and Joe made Unity angry? If not, was Unity alone with the visiting prince when he was killed? I would expect a visiting dignitary to have an entourage of bodyguards, and to be reluctant to be alone with the rival kingdom's mage. Even if the wave can discern who made Unity angry, wouldn't others nearby feel the wave? Thus realizing a Heart Stopper was there?
How is the prince's death explained to the prince's kingdom? "He just dropped dead for no reason while he was alone arguing with our mage, who isn't a Heart Stopper."?
What is it that's being "unlocked"? The Heart Stopping ability? Why don't they just leave it locked?
To shorten this, try combining the first two paragraphs. Follow that with a paragraph about Unity's new position as mage. Then reduce the last three plot paragraphs to something like: When Unity’s temper kills a visiting foreign prince, she resolves to relinquish her position once she has found and trained a successor. But the only suitable candidate proves to be her own estranged daughter, Rory, who doesn't know Unity is a Heart Stopper, and constantly rebels against Unity’s attempts to train her.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
New Beginning 854
I had my nightmare again last night.
We are in the woods, as we had been thirteen years ago. It is crisp and shadows are lengthening. The trail seems to deliberately send out roots and holes to trip us.
Nex makes a comment and tightness seizes my neck and jaw. My face flushes and a pain tears across my stomach, as if I had been punched. A wave spreads from my forehead, blurring my vision as it passes through my eyes. It flickers the air between us and reaches Nex. He stumbles slightly with the impact as the wave buffets him and reverberates across his body. His face abruptly freezes and changes colour, and he drops heavily near my feet. The groan is so deep that it seems to come from his very soul. But the silence that follows is worse, and I know that he has died.
But here nightmare diverges from the actual events. Nex’s spirit rises from his body, and his finger points toward me and his voice booms across the forest, across the country, around the world, so that nobody living or dead could miss the proclamation:
“She did it. Here is the freak who caused my heart to stop by sheer will.”
I always awaken sweating and shivering. Although my head spins and I my stomach is heavy, I start to prepare the spells to purify my mind, to achieve the calm and discipline necessary to control the curse.
But the curse is not easily controlled.
Once my breathing slows, I cast the spells and force myself to swallow two of the magic pills.
The stomach pain fades, but I'm afraid to go back to sleep, for I know my ridiculously detailed dreams cannot be controlled by Midol.
Damn PMS.
Opening: JAS.....Continuation: Bran Flakes
We are in the woods, as we had been thirteen years ago. It is crisp and shadows are lengthening. The trail seems to deliberately send out roots and holes to trip us.
Nex makes a comment and tightness seizes my neck and jaw. My face flushes and a pain tears across my stomach, as if I had been punched. A wave spreads from my forehead, blurring my vision as it passes through my eyes. It flickers the air between us and reaches Nex. He stumbles slightly with the impact as the wave buffets him and reverberates across his body. His face abruptly freezes and changes colour, and he drops heavily near my feet. The groan is so deep that it seems to come from his very soul. But the silence that follows is worse, and I know that he has died.
But here nightmare diverges from the actual events. Nex’s spirit rises from his body, and his finger points toward me and his voice booms across the forest, across the country, around the world, so that nobody living or dead could miss the proclamation:
“She did it. Here is the freak who caused my heart to stop by sheer will.”
I always awaken sweating and shivering. Although my head spins and I my stomach is heavy, I start to prepare the spells to purify my mind, to achieve the calm and discipline necessary to control the curse.
But the curse is not easily controlled.
Once my breathing slows, I cast the spells and force myself to swallow two of the magic pills.
The stomach pain fades, but I'm afraid to go back to sleep, for I know my ridiculously detailed dreams cannot be controlled by Midol.
Damn PMS.
Opening: JAS.....Continuation: Bran Flakes
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Face-Lift 902
Guess the Plot
The Adventures of Benjamin Skyhammer
1. Benjamin Skyhammer has an extraordinary name, but a very ordinary life. Until, that is, his mother dies and his paternity is finally revealed in her will. His father? Thor. And so the adventures begin. Also, dirigibles.
2. Ten-year-old Benjamin finds out his long-lost biological father, the Norse God Thor, wants to reconnect with him. How's Ben going to have time for hockey and basketball when his dad wants him to spend all his free time flying around the troposphere with a hammer, creating thunder?
3. Benjamin Skyhammer has long been searching for a relic that will give him magical powers. One day an earthquake reveals such a relic, but before Ben can use it, a mysterious sorcerer threatens to ruin everything. Can Ben get his magical powers before it's too late? And will he learn the shocking truth about the very nature of the world itself?
4. Benjamin is the youngest of ten Skyhammer princes. He has no princess, no administrative role, and a tiny budget. His only sidekick, a juggler named Nick, suggests they try show business. They join a traveling circus and soon discover the reason those tricks seem so magical is because Ringmaster Oberon and his employees are actual wizards and witches on a mission to kidnap the dreadful Ice Queen and deliver her to Hades.
5. As the ship sinks, a boy rows a tiny boat filled with sandwiches and cats to a nearby desert island. This is Ben Johnson, fifth grader -- aka, Benjamin Skyhammer, superhero. His adventures began when the dastardly Baxter twins stole his lucky hat and they will not end until he gets it back. Meanwhile his troubles include icebergs, tarantulas, cranky waiters, flying monkeys, and a stepsister he does not like.
6. Bob Roberts has a boring life. So when his wife divorces him, he moves to a new state and starts a new life; that of Benjamin Skyhammer, rich adventurer. At first, he actually pulls it off, but can he keep it up as the lies start piling up?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Outcast and bitter because he is one of two humans on Pingala born without magic powers, Benjamin Skyhammer hunts for a Relic that will give him not only magic but also the acceptance of society he desperately craves.
One day an earthquake reveals a Relic [Amazing stroke of luck. Does the earthquake shake Benjamin's house, dislodging the relic from the top shelf of a bookcase? Or does the ground open up right in front of Ben, and he spots the relic at the bottom of a crevasse?] which gives instructions for a special ceremony. Performing the ceremony at the next solar eclipse will bestow magic powers on Skyhammer and give humans the ability to perform magic anywhere on the planet. [I was under the impression Benjamin and one other unnamed person were the only humans who didn't have magical powers. If humans can do magic only in Baltimore, it doesn't seem Ben would be a social outcast as long as he doesn't insist on living in Baltimore.] [I'm talking about Baltimore, Pingala.] Skyhammer believes his dreams have finally come true.
But then a mysterious sorcerer threatens to sabotage the ceremony and implicates Skyhammer as the saboteur. Now humans believe that Skyhammer plans to destroy the ceremony and they want him dead. [Was it Ben who found the relic? How do all these other humans know about it? I've gone from imagining Ben performing a ceremony in his basement to thinking this ceremony is bigger than the Royal Wedding.]
Skyhammer must find out the truth about the ceremony and the sorcerer before his chance to get magic power is gone. His search will take him across the strange and dangerous lands of Pingala [Pingala is a planet, right? Because if the window for performing the ceremony is as small as it seems, searching a planet for something as vague as the truth about a ceremony is going to take way too long.] and ultimately reveal the shocking truth of the very nature of his world itself.
THE ADVENTURES OF BENJAMIN SKYHAMMER is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 72,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Notes
For some inexplicable reason, I find myself more interested in who the other human with no magical powers is than I am in the adventures of Benjamin Skyhammer. Possibly because there's nothing in here about his adventures. Does the other magic-less human have adventures too?
We need to know Benjamin's age so we can complain that the book is too childish or too mature for your intended audience.
An example or two of his adventures, revealing whether they're more like Jack and the Beanstalk or the rape of the Sabine women, would also help us determine the audience. From what's here, I'm thinking this is for middle grade.
It would also be nice to know how many humans are on Pangala, why they're there, and who else is there.
If you just say Born without magic powers, Ben is an outcast among the humans on Pangala, I won't be distracted by the mysterious other human without magic powers, who never gets mentioned again.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
New Beginning 853
The kitchen is thick with the smell of onions frying. My father pours a glass of wine, swirls it, sniffs it and swishes it around his mouth like he’s rinsing.
Finally, he gulps it and scribbles something in his note book. He pours more into his glass, fills it right up to the top this time. He tips his head back and the red liquid goes down as fast as he’d poured it from the bottle.
Wish I could drink like that. Another glass gets filled. He takes it with him to the stove, and tosses some strips of meat into the pan. His face starts to flush.
The front door opens, and I slide off the stool and run to my Mum. She dumps her brief-cases, one for each hand, and scoops me up for a kiss. She carries me to the kitchen, groaning about what a big girl I am.
Dad is refilling his glass, and lets Mum kiss his cheek. He passes her a small glass.
“I’ll get her ready for bed, but then I’ve got about four hours of work to do,” Mum sighs and takes a sip.
“Yes, Ms Senior Manager, Ma’am!”
Dad salutes like he’s a soldier.
“Don’t start, Nick,” Mum’s face scrunches.
But Dad says something about her jetting off to Singapore next week, and I know that he has started.
I sigh and adjust my diaper. I might only be two, but I know the beginnings of an argument when I see one.
Pouting, I reach for the bottle of wine. Mum and Dad are too busy glaring at each other to notice the long swig I take. They wouldn't care anyway. I'm a big girl now.
I belch and wipe the back of my pudgy little hand across my mouth. I might not be able to drink like Dad . . . yet . . . but I definitely have Mum beaten. She hasn't even taken a second sip yet!
Uh oh. "Hey, you two! I need to be changed."
Opening: JAS.....Continuation: Bran Flakes
Finally, he gulps it and scribbles something in his note book. He pours more into his glass, fills it right up to the top this time. He tips his head back and the red liquid goes down as fast as he’d poured it from the bottle.
Wish I could drink like that. Another glass gets filled. He takes it with him to the stove, and tosses some strips of meat into the pan. His face starts to flush.
The front door opens, and I slide off the stool and run to my Mum. She dumps her brief-cases, one for each hand, and scoops me up for a kiss. She carries me to the kitchen, groaning about what a big girl I am.
Dad is refilling his glass, and lets Mum kiss his cheek. He passes her a small glass.
“I’ll get her ready for bed, but then I’ve got about four hours of work to do,” Mum sighs and takes a sip.
“Yes, Ms Senior Manager, Ma’am!”
Dad salutes like he’s a soldier.
“Don’t start, Nick,” Mum’s face scrunches.
But Dad says something about her jetting off to Singapore next week, and I know that he has started.
I sigh and adjust my diaper. I might only be two, but I know the beginnings of an argument when I see one.
Pouting, I reach for the bottle of wine. Mum and Dad are too busy glaring at each other to notice the long swig I take. They wouldn't care anyway. I'm a big girl now.
I belch and wipe the back of my pudgy little hand across my mouth. I might not be able to drink like Dad . . . yet . . . but I definitely have Mum beaten. She hasn't even taken a second sip yet!
Uh oh. "Hey, you two! I need to be changed."
Opening: JAS.....Continuation: Bran Flakes
Monday, May 02, 2011
Auction Update
Thanks (I assume) to some of my minions, all of Evil Editor's editing offerings have, as predicted, exceeded the totals that would have required EE to pay back the winners. Whew.Now I can spend that money bidding on this.
Face-Lift 901
Guess the Plot
Another Lonely Day
1. Cassia just needed to get away from her dreary job as a waitress. Away from her nagging mother. Away from her boring fiance, John. But how do you break out of a Groundhog Day loop when there's no one around to treat differently?
2. Three car crashes, five kids on a slide that falls over, a plane crashing on takeoff. But no one dies. For Biff Galooley, it's another lonely day. It's rough being Death's understudy.
3. This memoir of an Irish lighthouse keeper includes recipes for fish, reports of stormy weather, various yearnings, efforts to secure a copy of Wuthering Heights, sketches of gulls, notes on the seaside cultivation of potatoes, inventions to aid the extermination of rodents, incomprehensible missives from his superiors in Dublin and his efforts to diplomatically respond to them, poetry written to charm a certain lass in Limerick, musings on philosophy, etc.
4. The laments & confessions of Brother Vincent, formerly a rock star guitarist, now part of a French monastery. For sixteen years he's been living in a shed, growing turnips, wishing he knew some French, wondering whatever happened to dear Loretta. Meanwhile, Loretta has been very busy and is now racing across France, desperate to hide the satchel of jewels she swiped from Todd Jones and his band of cat burglars.
5. First Anne's boyfriend dumps her for another woman. Then she falls for Joe, despite his tattoos. But Joe is untamable, so she bounces to another relationship and another, and another, ruining every one of them. Will she ever find a stable and passionate relationship? Yes! And when she does, will she run away from it? Actually, yes, she will. Christ.
6. When scientists accidentally release an anthropomorphic plague, Dave's world dissolves into chaos as the days of the week become sentient - and realize they are irrevocably alone. Armed with just an unfinished psychology degree and an encyclopedic knowledge of comic books, can Dave convince the days that loneliness is not so bad before time collapses in on itself?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Anne Donnelly’s happily ever after is shattered when her boyfriend leaves her for another woman. When a new job takes her to Key West, she falls for Joe,
a complicated, tattooed musician who awakens a passion in Anne she never knew existed. [A passion for guys who hire tattoo artists to paint their skin. One thing I've always wondered about: is it the mere fact that a guy has tattoos that's attractive, or do they have to be cool tattoos? If the latter, shouldn't it be the person who drew the tattoo you're attracted to, rather than the person who acted as the canvas? I guess it's the same with any art form. If I love Christina Aguilera's singing, but I'm pretty sure I could never get Christina Aguilera in the sack, I might try for a relationship with someone who also loves Christina Aguilera's singing. The difference is that if you love some guy's tattoos, I'm pretty sure you'd have no trouble getting the tattoo artist in the sack.] As if to drive her completely crazy, he weaves in and out of her world while she bounces from relationship to relationship, trying to reconcile her maddening addiction to him and her desire for stability. [Is it her addiction to him or her bouncing from relationship to relationship that shows her desire for stability?]When presented with nice, successful men, Anne manages to ruin it each time. [When presented with them? That sounds odd.] She wonders if she’s cut out for happily ever after. Worse still, she becomes more entwined with Joe after learning of his tragic childhood.
[Joe: My childhood was rough. I never felt loved. My shrink says that's why I'm addicted to sex.
Anne: Come here, baby, let me comfort you.]
So what if he’s untamable? Though she knows it's not good for her, being with him is maddeningly tempting. Maybe a faithful, reliable man isn’t what she deserves after all.
When Joe leaves without knowing when – or if – he’ll ever be back, [He's made it to Hollywood Week on American Idol.] Anne finally moves on, and finds a man who is both passionate and devoted. But just when her life starts to even out, Joe dies. To deal with her grief, she does the only thing that makes sense at the time, and runs away. While in her grandfather’s home town, she finds her extended family. A journey that started out simply an escape helps her to truly appreciate the life she’s built. [How much time has passed? I didn't get the impression she'd built a life with this new guy. Her life was just starting to even out when she ran away.] Upon her return to Key West, she will learn if the man she now knows she wants and deserves is waiting for her, or if she’s managed to lose him too. [He's gone. Otherwise the title would be, Lonely No More. Always guard against carelessly giving away the ending in the title.]
Another Lonely Day is a 70,000 word contemporary romance novel (help! - would love suggestions here). [If you're asking for a better way to describe the book, that was fine. A hyphen between "70,000" and "word" and possibly deleting "novel," but this is not a problem area.] A full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
Anne ruins it with nice, successful men, she maybe doesn't deserve a faithful, reliable man, she finally finds a passionate, devoted man . . . These are all general adjectives. Which are boring. The reason she falls for Joe is because he's a complicated tattooed musician. See how much more interesting specific adjectives are? It's certainly possible for a musician to be as nice and successful as an accountant, so maybe if we had more specifics about the guys she ruins it with. Is she ruining it because they're successful and reliable? Or because they lack passion? Or just because she's obsessed with Joe?
I think this needs to focus on what changes Anne. Dump the first boyfriend. Anne moves to Key West for a new job, bounces from relationship to relationship, but the only passion she feels is for Joe's tattoos. Then Joe leaves and Anne builds a life with a nice successful reliable faithful passionate devoted man. What normally happens at this point is that Joe rolls back into town and Anne is torn, but in your book Joe dies . . . and Anne is torn. In any case, by reducing the setup to three or four sentences, you have more room to tell us what happens in Mayberry that turns Anne around. Does she see how passion and stability can go together? Does Gramps take her aside and say, "The guy is dead. Get over it."?
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Auction Update
The Brenda Novak Auction is underway. In April I made the following suggestion:
Feel free to bid up EE's editing services in the early going, even if you don't want them, in order to create a bidding frenzy, and to draw attention to this blog from people who are unaware of it, in hopes that they'll submit queries and openings.
You were probably thinking, Yeah, right, I join your conspiracy and the next thing I know I owe 80 bucks for your editing services, and I've never written anything longer than a grocery list, and you stink as an editor anyway. Find another sucker, asswipe.
Fair enough. However, I'm so confident that you will NOT win these auctions if you bid no higher than the maximums I've set, that I will pay you back the amount of your bid if you somehow win.
Auction 3 below has never sold for less than $1000, and has averaged $2500 over the past four years. Thus I feel safe saying that I'll pay you back if you get stuck with it for any amount up to $500.
Auction 2 Carries a max of $100.
Auction 1 I've never offered before, and while it should be worth almost as much as Auction 3, it has only two days instead of 31 to conclude, so I'll play it safe with a max of $250. Oops, it's already gone over that. Lucky me.
The Fine Print:
Note that if you actually WANT to win Auction 3, and you end up bidding $2000, I am not paying you back $500. I pay only if the bidding doesn't go higher than what I've set as the maximums. Also, you have to email me after you win the auction for less than the maximum and declare that you were bidding only because you read this post and knew you'd get paid back. I don't want someone who's never even been to this blog, and who bid because he/she wanted the service, getting out of paying.
Also, if I end up paying you back, I get to declare the amount spent as a charitable contribution on my taxes, and you don't.
Also, I reserve the right to outbid you at the last minute in order to get out of editing your work, even though that would cost me more.
Auction 1
Auction 2
Feel free to bid up EE's editing services in the early going, even if you don't want them, in order to create a bidding frenzy, and to draw attention to this blog from people who are unaware of it, in hopes that they'll submit queries and openings.
You were probably thinking, Yeah, right, I join your conspiracy and the next thing I know I owe 80 bucks for your editing services, and I've never written anything longer than a grocery list, and you stink as an editor anyway. Find another sucker, asswipe.
Fair enough. However, I'm so confident that you will NOT win these auctions if you bid no higher than the maximums I've set, that I will pay you back the amount of your bid if you somehow win.
Auction 3 below has never sold for less than $1000, and has averaged $2500 over the past four years. Thus I feel safe saying that I'll pay you back if you get stuck with it for any amount up to $500.
Auction 2 Carries a max of $100.
Auction 1 I've never offered before, and while it should be worth almost as much as Auction 3, it has only two days instead of 31 to conclude, so I'll play it safe with a max of $250. Oops, it's already gone over that. Lucky me.
The Fine Print:
Note that if you actually WANT to win Auction 3, and you end up bidding $2000, I am not paying you back $500. I pay only if the bidding doesn't go higher than what I've set as the maximums. Also, you have to email me after you win the auction for less than the maximum and declare that you were bidding only because you read this post and knew you'd get paid back. I don't want someone who's never even been to this blog, and who bid because he/she wanted the service, getting out of paying.
Also, if I end up paying you back, I get to declare the amount spent as a charitable contribution on my taxes, and you don't.
Also, I reserve the right to outbid you at the last minute in order to get out of editing your work, even though that would cost me more.
Auction 1
| | Your Novel, EDITED by Evil Editor BEFORE THE END OF THE AUCTION! (Two-day auction, ends May 2nd) |
Auction 2
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Success Story
Jayne Barnard, frequent continuation author back in the day under the name Jeb, reports that her novel When the Bow Breaks (New Beginning 566) is on the short list (3 titles) for the Unhanged Arthur, the Crime Writers of Canada/MacArthur & Co. Publishing award for Best First Unpublished Novel. No word on why it's "Bow" instead of "Bough"; guess we'll have to read the book.Winner will be announced at the Bloody Words Canadian crime convention in Victoria, BC, June 3-5, 2011. Be there.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Face-Lift 900!!
Guess the Plot
Being Fat and Other High School Sins
1. The protagonist's name is Debbie. Please refer to title for plot, setting, and conflict.
2. Hoping to avoid looking fat in their graduation gowns, a coven of witches summon a demon who can freeze time and allow them a few extra personal training sessions before the ceremony.
3. Geeky, glasses-clad Rodger's scientific formula for becoming popular is almost finished. To get it to work, he just has to learn the difference between phat and fat.
4. Jenna has been Lauren's best friend for sixteen years, which is pretty generous of Lauren, because Lauren is popular and pretty and Jenna is a tub of lard. So why is Jenna slowly killing Lauren?
5. Ned is a teenage wanker who lives on doughnuts and cheats on tests. He sells pot to eighth graders. He sneaks beer and porn from his dad's stash. His life is a complete waste of time until his sister, Nell, who has a terminal illness, decides to enter the spring cheerleader contest. And Ned realizes he must fix the vote so she can realize her dream.
6. At Mistress Millie's School of Mayhem, breaking and entering is homework and arson is lab work. To fit in with her vixen-like classmates, Emmaline's going on a crash diet... it's either that or blow the place up.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Jenna has been Lauren’s faithful sidekick for the last sixteen years. [Was she Lauren's faithful sidekick before they could walk or talk?] Lauren's got perfect grades, perfect hair, and whoever the perfect guy is this month. With Lauren around, most people don't even know Jenna's there to ignore. It rocks. [For Lauren.]
As the fat girl at a high school six minutes from the beach, [There's nothing six minutes from the beach except cheap motels, bad restaurants, and pawn shops. The high school is fifteen minutes from the beach. In any case, we don't need to know they're near the beach if the beach doesn't come into play in the query.] Jenna’s perfectly content to blend into the shadows. She’s the quiet one. She keeps everyone’s secrets and doesn’t get hassled. Much. She’s even managed to stumble into a relationship with the most amazing guy on the planet. [Wait a minute, the fat high school chick is perfectly happy with her life? Can't you come up with a plot that's at least mildly credible?] [You've spent two paragraphs just telling us who the main characters are. What happens?]
But lately, Jenna’s realizing her talent for keeping her mouth shut is slowly killing Lauren and someone she’s not supposed to want is getting way too close. [That's it? That's the hook, the plot, the conflict? One vague sentence? Here's what we know:
Paragraph 1: Jenna is perfectly content with her life.
Paragraph 2: Jenna is still perfectly content with her life.
Paragraph 3: Something is going on involving someone.]
I grew up on the Alabama Gulf Coast [My God, are you okay?] where this story is set. My short story [redacted] will be published in [redacted anthology] in 2012.
BEING FAT AND OTHER HIGH SCHOOL SINS is a YA contemporary novel with a tone similar to Something, Maybe by Elizabeth Scott and Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen. [At least your title is more specific than theirs.] It is complete at 55,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Notes
Lauren is smart, beautiful and popular; what made you think teens would rather read a book about her fat friend? Hey, I'm joking.
The bad news is that the only people who'll buy the book are fat high school kids. The good news is, pretty much all high school kids are fat these days. And those who aren't spend all their time at the mall, carefully steering clear of the bookstore.
The first two paragraphs are repetitive. Condense them into one. Then expand the third paragraph into two three-sentence paragraphs with specific information about what happens. Who's getting too close to Jenna? How is Lauren being killed? What's the plan to resolve the problem? What's keeping the plan from working?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Feedback Request
A new version of the query for Absorption (Face-Lift 444) has been posted at Phoenix's place. The author awaits your comments.
New Beginning 852
I can remember every second of that last graffiti patrol with Ellie. Maybe it’s the meds they’re feeding me or maybe I’m a little crazy right now.
It was chilly that morning and we shivered a little as we headed towards the first mailbox, me, in my punk clothes, Ellie in her old lady sweatshirt and red sneakers.
“Spray!” Ellie ordered and I pointed the bottle at the metal receptacle in front of me. We scrubbed, Ellie not talking to me. The black polish on my nails began to melt like the paint scrawls we were working on. I stumbled and heard the heel of my boot snap. Shit, my only shoes was my first thought. I had to walk like a cripple, one leg short, one long.
“Take ‘em off!” Ellie said, shaking her gray head at me. “Stupid to wear boots like that; you look like a baby hooker.”
That’s when I saw the white basketball shoe sticking up from a pile of debris at the curb. The shoe had a sock in it. And in the sock, a leg.
I grabbed Ellie’s arm and pointed. She looked, made a sound like she was choking. “It’s trouble! Nothing good ever comes from a dead body.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me through the trail of leaves. “I’ll call 911,” she said. “When we get home. Anonymous.”
And she did and now I’m lying here in this hospital bed hoping she’s still alive.
Are you intrigued by this opening? Want to find out what happens next and see how it all fits together?
You can!
1. Purchase the Evil Editor App for your iPad or iPhone. It's only $3.99 at the Apple App Store.
2. Open the app and click on "Read a Continuation."
3. Type "852" when prompted for the Opening number.
4. Select "Chosen Continuation" or "All Unchosen Continuations."
Each selection is yours for the low, low price of $1.95. Or get "Chosen" and "All Unchosen" for $2.95. Your credit card will be billed. Must be over 18. Evil Editor not responsible for spew damage to electronic devices.
Opening: Jo Barney.....Continuation: Pacatrue/EE
It was chilly that morning and we shivered a little as we headed towards the first mailbox, me, in my punk clothes, Ellie in her old lady sweatshirt and red sneakers.
“Spray!” Ellie ordered and I pointed the bottle at the metal receptacle in front of me. We scrubbed, Ellie not talking to me. The black polish on my nails began to melt like the paint scrawls we were working on. I stumbled and heard the heel of my boot snap. Shit, my only shoes was my first thought. I had to walk like a cripple, one leg short, one long.
“Take ‘em off!” Ellie said, shaking her gray head at me. “Stupid to wear boots like that; you look like a baby hooker.”
That’s when I saw the white basketball shoe sticking up from a pile of debris at the curb. The shoe had a sock in it. And in the sock, a leg.
I grabbed Ellie’s arm and pointed. She looked, made a sound like she was choking. “It’s trouble! Nothing good ever comes from a dead body.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me through the trail of leaves. “I’ll call 911,” she said. “When we get home. Anonymous.”
And she did and now I’m lying here in this hospital bed hoping she’s still alive.
Are you intrigued by this opening? Want to find out what happens next and see how it all fits together?
You can!
1. Purchase the Evil Editor App for your iPad or iPhone. It's only $3.99 at the Apple App Store.
2. Open the app and click on "Read a Continuation."
3. Type "852" when prompted for the Opening number.
4. Select "Chosen Continuation" or "All Unchosen Continuations."
Each selection is yours for the low, low price of $1.95. Or get "Chosen" and "All Unchosen" for $2.95. Your credit card will be billed. Must be over 18. Evil Editor not responsible for spew damage to electronic devices.
Opening: Jo Barney.....Continuation: Pacatrue/EE
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Face-Lift 899
Guess the Plot
Spirit of a Phoenix
1. Every 500 years a warrior is born with the spirit of the phoenix to fight the Demon-Lord Saunguniutes. The only problem is this time she was born the middle daughter of a Quaker family in rural Nebraska. Hannah is a pacifist office manager for a small IT company, what does she know of killing demons?
2. According to legend the phoenix burns itself and its nest every 500 to 1,000 years. Is it any wonder Phoenix Dorrington becomes a pyro technique expert? Hiring herself out to Rent-A-Roadie she has a ball for five years blowing fire above the seventy-five dollar seats until one night it gets real. Now she can only hope the people caught in her exuberance changed into something better than they were.
3. The elf Haleva is an outcast because she has no magic. Turns out her parents took her magic at birth. Just took it. When her mother dies, Haleva suddenly gets her magic back, like a phoenix coming back to life. Not that she was dead, but you get the idea.
4. On his fourteenth birthday, Jent discovers his soul contains the spirit of a phoenix. He then acts like a complete tool to his family and friends and gets sent to magic academy. Also flying goatfish.
5. Tame the spirit of a phoenix and your wish will be granted. Lamden desperately wants his mother to get well. When the phoenix demands a human sacrifice, Lamden kills his evil stepfather Ardok. But Ardok wasn't human, and that's just the beginning of the phoenix's game.
6. Tiffany is a cheerleader at a Phoenix, Arizona High School. As a senior, she feels it is her duty to set an example and inspire the underclassmen. She's sick of twee little pep-rallies, so she calls her great grand-dad, Albert Firebird, to help her stir things up. Hilarity ensues.
Original Version
Dear Mr. Editor,
I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, SPIRIT OF A PHOENIX, complete at 70,000 words.
Rangers are those that protect the Wilderland and keep it safe for all the races to travel and live—they are revered and admired by all. [Especially the one who works alone (unless you count his trusted sidekick, Tonto.] In Haleva’s eyes, there is no greater honor than to be counted among their ranks. Even though she is among the most privileged of Eledhrin Elves, the path to becoming a ranger isn’t an easy one. She lacks the most basic magic gifts that are present in the youngest of her race, and because of that she is an outcast in her world, and her parents refuse to let her follow her dreams.
Haleva’s world is turned upside down when she discovers the real reason she has no magic—her parents took it from her at birth. Angry and feeling alone, ["Betrayed" would be better than "alone." Being an outcast, she was probably already feeling alone.] she joins a ranger group and runs away, [not necessarily in that order] throwing herself into achieving her dream of passing the training and earning a ranger’s badge.
What gives her confidence is a newfound love, the turning of enemies into allies, and the trust displayed by her fellow rangers. What nearly destroys her is her mother’s death, [Is this the same mother who made her an outcast and wouldn't let her follow her dream?] and the irony that the death returns her magic gifts to her. [At which point she quits the rangers and becomes a crime-fighting superhero.] Like the symbol of her family, the phoenix, Haleva must change and grow in order to survive. [I guess that's okay, though I think of a phoenix as a symbol of starting anew. For change and grow, maybe you could make the family symbol Alien.]
I look forward to hearing from you, and any suggestions you may have for improvement. [Improvement of the book or the query?] Thank you for your time.
Sincerley, [Not the best last impression.]
Notes
Haven't seen the book, of course, but it sounds more like middle grade than young adult.
Did her parents take her magic because they wanted it for themselves? Or because they thought it would build character to have to get by without magic?
This is the last of the 2006 queries that Evil Editor didn't fully critique because they were originally sent to Miss Snark the Literary Agent, and why should I put any more time into them than she would have? Henceforth all queries will be current.
Feedback Request
The author of Absorption (New Beginning 519) has rewritten the opening, and awaits your reaction to the new version, which you'll find in the comments there. (There's also a new query, which has been forwarded to Phoenix.)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Face-Lift 898
Guess the Plot
Of the Dark
1. Dark Meat goes on a road tour that blows through Ogden and changes it forever when the members of the band answer a desperate call for sperm donors. The bank is replenished but ten years down the road the next generation of Ogdenians turn out to be mutant classical cellists.
2. Mike has always had a fear of the dark. A new therapy- one night spent in total darkness with a counselor- looks promising, mainly because the counselor is smoking hot. Then the woman is mysteriously murdered during the night, and Mike suddenly has a real reason to be afraid . . . Of the Dark.
3. Country lass Adastea has a tough decision: should she marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, and help him destroy the Gods of the Light? Or should she decline his proposal and risk never getting married? Spoiler alert. Wedding bells are gonna chime.
4. Lumia is a Spirit of the Light, representing all that is good and pure. It is her duty to protect the world of Alagera from evil, not an easy job, especially when she winds up between the sheets with Domar, a Spirit of the Dark. Can she overcome her attraction and fulfill her destiny to destroy Domar and his kind?
5. Vampires! They don't turn into bats, sparkle or have fangs, and they do have reflections, but they will drink your blood! Oh, hang on, they're just highly organized, deranged serial killers! And they're after the protagonists, who are smoking hot and scantily clad!
6. It was the worst blind date, ever. After the hurricane blew the roof off Bud's Cafe, they took off running. It was too dark to see the bridge to the mainland was gone and the water was full of vampires. WTF? Talk about a bad swim! Plus, zombie alligators and a boatload of haunted pirates in pursuit of fabled diamonds.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Country lass Adrastea has received a proposal of marriage from Mor-Lath, God of the Dark. That is not the sort of news she wishes to share with the whole village ere they condemn her as a witch. [I'd go with "lest" rather than "ere" there.] [If I'm engaged to Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, villagers condemn me as a witch at their own peril.] Those few she’s confided in--her family and the village priestess--advise her to turn down his proposal. [If you need to consult other people about whether to marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, you are beyond salvation.]
But he won’t take no for an answer and steadily increases the pressure for her to accept. Only in the end does she agree in order to save her village from destruction. [Threatening to destroy your beloved's village almost always gets an engagement off to a rocky start.]
For all his godly wisdom and millennia of life-experience, the one thing Mor-Lath does not know is how to be a good husband. Their marriage starts to fail from day one: infidelity, secrets and abandonment. [If you can't get through one day of your marriage without being unfaithful and abandoning your spouse, you, too, are beyond salvation. Although I suppose if your name is Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, that goes without saying.] [What name does she go by? Adrastea-Lath, or Adrastea, Goddess of the Dark?]
Adrastea learns from the Gods of the Light the true reason behind Mor-Lath’s desire to marry; he is only a demigod. [So he was actually Mor-Lath, Demigod of the Dark.] [Every guy has a few secrets he keeps from his wife, but failing to reveal that you're only a demigod is sure to come back to haunt you.] Only together--male and female--can they become full gods, thus making him strong enough to defeat the Light in the final battle. [But they're already married. How much more together can they get?] [I find it hard to believe one God of the Dark can defeat all the Gods of the Light just because he married a country lass.]
Armed with this knowledge and power, she is faced with a dilemma: does she side with the God of the Dark or does she choose to defeat her husband even though it could mean her own destruction? [Good or evil. That's always a dilemma.]
“Of The Dark” is a fantasy trilogy of three books, “Troth of the Dark,” “Bride of the Dark” and “House of the Dark”, each novel being 120,000 words. [Amazing coincidence.] [Based on these titles, they get married in book 2? 120,000 words of her deciding whether to marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, followed by 120,000 words of her being married to Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, followed by 120,000 words of fighting over who gets to keep the house?] The manuscripts are complete and ready to send to you should you wish to see more.
I’m a published writer of moderate repute. I’ve has [had] several short stories published in Somewhat Famous SF magazine and Kinda Famous magazine and have a career in freelance nonfiction.
Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to your reply.
Regards,
Notes
I get the impression you're querying for the entire trilogy. This doesn't allow you to say much about any one part of it. No one's likely to ask you to send them a 360,000-word trilogy, so query the first novel, and tell them it's book 1 of a trilogy. Then you can work in more of the book 1 plot.
This is the penultimate 5-year-old query salvaged from Netherworld to get us through lean times. Three new queries are currently awaiting fake plots.
Monday, April 25, 2011
New Beginning 851
Transport. The white light of destruction and reincarnation, after which, nothing is the same.
Elias Carson lifted his head and spit out a mouthful of mud. He wiped mud from his face and discovered claws and fangs. New and improved, they cautioned before transport. He turned and sat in the mud. New broad shoulders, too many muscles, no beer gut, feet worthy of a wild animal and a loincloth that almost covered his manhood.
Three meters away, a hot spring bubbled and steamed. Beyond that giant ferns and twisted vines, a vast jungle filled with alien birds shrieking strange calls and crawling things with fangs. A humanoid with fur and three-fingered hands stood at the edge of the mud, waiting. Elias thought the creature's eyes enjoyed his wallow in the mud.
"Where am I?" a deeper and gravel-ridden voice came out of his mouth.
"The Pyetock province of Tau Ceti Prime. Welcome to your new home, Marshall Carson."
"What luxurious mud you have," Elias hesitated, "whoever you are."
"I am D'uhng, keeper of the Royal Excrement," the voice boomed back. "And we don't have any mud."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon.
Elias Carson lifted his head and spit out a mouthful of mud. He wiped mud from his face and discovered claws and fangs. New and improved, they cautioned before transport. He turned and sat in the mud. New broad shoulders, too many muscles, no beer gut, feet worthy of a wild animal and a loincloth that almost covered his manhood.
Three meters away, a hot spring bubbled and steamed. Beyond that giant ferns and twisted vines, a vast jungle filled with alien birds shrieking strange calls and crawling things with fangs. A humanoid with fur and three-fingered hands stood at the edge of the mud, waiting. Elias thought the creature's eyes enjoyed his wallow in the mud.
"Where am I?" a deeper and gravel-ridden voice came out of his mouth.
"The Pyetock province of Tau Ceti Prime. Welcome to your new home, Marshall Carson."
"What luxurious mud you have," Elias hesitated, "whoever you are."
"I am D'uhng, keeper of the Royal Excrement," the voice boomed back. "And we don't have any mud."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Celebration!
I'm told a spectacular three-day party has been planned, starting tomorrow, to mark the 5th anniversary of this blog. Drop by here after 9 AM eastern for directions.
Face-Lift 897
Guess the Plot
Anla
1. After escaping from bondage at a factory in India, Anla is smuggled to America by a missionary. She returns to India with a dangerous plan to free the other children at the factory. Sadly, her plan fails, so she returns to the US and tries to fit in at her high school.
2. The ancient Moche claimed that a giant race of hairy men called Anla lived in the mountains. When a strange skull appears on the market in Lima, anthropologist Meredith Greene is called in for help. Is this really an Anla--or is there something even stranger at play?
3. Justine's life was almost ruined when her date for the prom turned out to be Anla the Terrible in disguise. By day he seems an ordinary nerd. But when the full moon rises, he turns into an investment banker and wrecks the world economy. Can her love tame this fiend and save Detroit from ruin?
4. Twenty years ago Jennifer’s mother died mysteriously. The only clue to what happened was one word she left behind, written in her own blood, “Anla”. Now Jennifer is determined to solve the mystery and find the killer before they get her too.
5. Prompted by the suicide of his morbidly obese, beloved sister, Anla, Dr. Abrahm Akmajim discovers that severe overeating is caused by a virus. He produces a vaccine in Anla's name, intending to see it made cheap and available. But; the diet industry wants to steal it and the junk food industry wants to destroy it. Either way, he's expendable.
6. Servant girl Anla sweeps floors for Quemberly’s most celebrated watchmaker. Forbidden from touching any timekeeping device because of her fairy lineage, Anla always cleans while wearing gloves. One fateful day, however, she accidentally touches a clock and time stops.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Please consider my 45,000 word young adult novel, Anla, which tells the story of a young Indian girl forced into bondage at a silk-making factory in order to pay her brother's debt.
Anla survives the unbearable conditions at the silk factory and escapes to the home of a nearby missionary. The missionary takes her in and eventually smuggles her out of India and into the United States. Soon Anla’s greatest desire is to become just like the other students at her high school.
When Anla is coerced into speaking before an international human rights committee, she is horrified to learn that their plan is simply to talk to the factory owners. [Not clear why she's horrified. What does she think the committee should do?] She comes up with a dangerous scheme to return to India and save the children still trapped in the factory where she once worked. [If she's willing to do this much, why did she have to be coerced just to speak before the committee?]
Although her plans fail, [You have room to give more info. What were her plans and why did they fail?] and she returns to her home and school bitterly disappointed, Anla ultimately finds that her courage has inspired hundreds of people to join together to fight for the children she was unable to save. [Well, now I feel like I would if I watched Erin Brockovich, and she failed to win the case against Pacific Gas and Electric, but at the end of the movie they ran a crawl saying that two years later some other people took down the company. On the other hand, Karen Silkwood died before her nuclear plant folded. On the other hand, Julia Roberts won an Oscar as Brockovich, and Meryl Streep only got nominated as Silkwood. So if you want the Oscar, I suggest Anla come up with a plan that works. People would rather read the story of whoever succeeds in saving the children than of someone who failed. This is fiction, right? So you could write a story in which Anla succeeds?] [If you insist that Anla fail, at least tell us whether the people she inspires to fight for the children succeed.]
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Notes
More information about the book would be helpful. You have seven sentences. Try to make it ten.
We're currently out of fresh queries; this is one of the three remaining five-year-old queries that never appeared on this blog, so the author probably won't see your comments. But other people might find your feedback useful.
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